OK I can't sleep (4am!) so here goes...
I started drinking at age 16 or so... I remember going to a bar next to my restaurant job and having "monster drafts".. also having older friends buy me beers..
So I met my wife about a year later. She came to the US from Mexico. She secretly lived in my room for about a year and a half, then I bought a condo and we moved out. We married about a year later. We enjoyed drinking together. We had alot of late nights drinking with friends.
I graduated college after 7 years. I was working full time, and did not choose my major until 3 semesters into college. I was managing a restaurant most of the time I went to college. For me this meant a decent salary, and unlimited beer. Since I was the last person there every night, I almost always filled myself a large soda cup with beer before leaving. I graduated with a degree in engineering, while my daughter was 2 years old.
I started my first "real job". Things were great. I sold the condo and bought a house. My career progressed, my son was born. Things were really good. We sold the house a couple of years later, made some good cash on it, and bought a much bigger house. My wife started going to college. All this time I was drinking, not excessively, but a couple of beers every day or so. My wife also drank, but in moderation.
I have always enjoyed my drinking hobby but never gotten into legal trouble. My ex was always critical of my drinking and I always felt controlled.
I made the disturbing discovery that my wife was having an affair with someone in college. This was absolutely devasting at the time (about 3 years ago). I tried desperately to hold on and do damage control. It ended, she graduated and things seemed fine for a couple of years. She got a job and launched her career. Late last year, due to her attititude and demeanor I suspected that she was seeing someone else, just about the time of our 13th anniversary. My suspicions were not confirmed, but she announced that she intended to move out in January. She also filed for divorce.
The divorce was far from friendly. She took our savings and spent it on cosmetic surgery, and pretty much tried to clean me out in court. She attempted to extort me for retirement money in exchange for custody rights. I worked hard and prepared well and got a very fair settlement in court and joint custody of my children. Instead of destroying myself with alcohol, I was working out like crazy. I got the big, empty house. Used to be a happy place, feels like a shell now. To make matters worse, the kids are on summer break. So I am alone 50% of the time now.
I celebrated the divorce with a huge party. I had two rock bands at my house and lots of friends and a keg. Unfortunately, I was so sloshed I can't remember half of it since I started drinking at 10am. They tell me I had a great time. I managed to offend my best friend and his wife and they no longer talk to me. They were mutual friends and drinking pals with my ex when married and had stood by my side during the divorce. It was very painful to lose friends to Al. To make matters worse I had a "ex relapse" the next day and went to visit my ex wife (still slightly buzzed of course) and you-know-what happened. It was such an emotional set back.
In addition to all this, my job is completely crazy right now. As an engineer, I am solely responsible for the safety of all who ride on one of the next major airplanes to be manufactured. All this has to be done on time or else. I have awoken in cold sweats just thinking about my job stress level.
I know that I am not well due to what has happened so recently. I find myself bawling at the weirdest times.. like while watching a funny movie. I have seriously thought about going to sleep and not waking up. So I open a beer, then it becomes, 6, 7, or 10. Its like an escape hatch. I know that I am destroying my health, being far from a good dad when my kids are around, and pissing money down the toilet.
I want to kick this thing so bad. Why can't I go to the grocery store without buying alcohol like everyone else? Why can't I have two beers and stop?? :upset:
I just want to go 30 days AF but feel so powerless. I can't discuss this with my family or friends.
I started drinking at age 16 or so... I remember going to a bar next to my restaurant job and having "monster drafts".. also having older friends buy me beers..
So I met my wife about a year later. She came to the US from Mexico. She secretly lived in my room for about a year and a half, then I bought a condo and we moved out. We married about a year later. We enjoyed drinking together. We had alot of late nights drinking with friends.
I graduated college after 7 years. I was working full time, and did not choose my major until 3 semesters into college. I was managing a restaurant most of the time I went to college. For me this meant a decent salary, and unlimited beer. Since I was the last person there every night, I almost always filled myself a large soda cup with beer before leaving. I graduated with a degree in engineering, while my daughter was 2 years old.
I started my first "real job". Things were great. I sold the condo and bought a house. My career progressed, my son was born. Things were really good. We sold the house a couple of years later, made some good cash on it, and bought a much bigger house. My wife started going to college. All this time I was drinking, not excessively, but a couple of beers every day or so. My wife also drank, but in moderation.
I have always enjoyed my drinking hobby but never gotten into legal trouble. My ex was always critical of my drinking and I always felt controlled.
I made the disturbing discovery that my wife was having an affair with someone in college. This was absolutely devasting at the time (about 3 years ago). I tried desperately to hold on and do damage control. It ended, she graduated and things seemed fine for a couple of years. She got a job and launched her career. Late last year, due to her attititude and demeanor I suspected that she was seeing someone else, just about the time of our 13th anniversary. My suspicions were not confirmed, but she announced that she intended to move out in January. She also filed for divorce.
The divorce was far from friendly. She took our savings and spent it on cosmetic surgery, and pretty much tried to clean me out in court. She attempted to extort me for retirement money in exchange for custody rights. I worked hard and prepared well and got a very fair settlement in court and joint custody of my children. Instead of destroying myself with alcohol, I was working out like crazy. I got the big, empty house. Used to be a happy place, feels like a shell now. To make matters worse, the kids are on summer break. So I am alone 50% of the time now.
I celebrated the divorce with a huge party. I had two rock bands at my house and lots of friends and a keg. Unfortunately, I was so sloshed I can't remember half of it since I started drinking at 10am. They tell me I had a great time. I managed to offend my best friend and his wife and they no longer talk to me. They were mutual friends and drinking pals with my ex when married and had stood by my side during the divorce. It was very painful to lose friends to Al. To make matters worse I had a "ex relapse" the next day and went to visit my ex wife (still slightly buzzed of course) and you-know-what happened. It was such an emotional set back.
In addition to all this, my job is completely crazy right now. As an engineer, I am solely responsible for the safety of all who ride on one of the next major airplanes to be manufactured. All this has to be done on time or else. I have awoken in cold sweats just thinking about my job stress level.
I know that I am not well due to what has happened so recently. I find myself bawling at the weirdest times.. like while watching a funny movie. I have seriously thought about going to sleep and not waking up. So I open a beer, then it becomes, 6, 7, or 10. Its like an escape hatch. I know that I am destroying my health, being far from a good dad when my kids are around, and pissing money down the toilet.
I want to kick this thing so bad. Why can't I go to the grocery store without buying alcohol like everyone else? Why can't I have two beers and stop?? :upset:
I just want to go 30 days AF but feel so powerless. I can't discuss this with my family or friends.
just like to say welcome gearhead,hope you find help here and peace within yourself
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