I feel compelled to share my story after I read so many of yours. I found plenty of inspiration and camaraderie here. So, read on my version of "War and Peace"
I grew up in Eastern Europe, where drinking was a normal way of life, if only for men. My mom never drank except family gatherings and is totally devoid of any addictive traits, except her fanatical religion. My Dad, on the other hand, drunk and smoked, but so did every grown men in my environment. Boy, almost all of them are dead now?
Growing up in extreme poverty and neglect, surrounded by religious fanatics, I had only one dream? get the hell out of there! My modus operendi was ?survive now and heal later? Since I was a very bright little girl, beloved by all teachers, my way out of this hell was through getting education, which I did by getting a degree at University ? first one in my family, first one in my town!
Since I was so concentrated on survival, I did not think much about drinking, but had a few episodes of getting drunk and staying at my boyfriend?s. But it was rare and certainly not a problem.
After I got my degree, I left the country for the U.S. on my own. Again, my goal was to survive first, so no indulgences were in my stars. I lived in a refugee camp for a few months and got my ticket to America! I learned as I went, for I had no idea what to expect.
Landing in the U.S. was like a dream come true. I was on my own, with access to goods unheard of back home, like my own apartment, phone line and a car! So what if it had more than 100 thousand miles on it? It was all possible, because I got a pretty good job right after arrival. I already spoke quite fluent English, having put myself through rigorous training and was ever so eager!
I remember calling my Mom from my own phone, and telling her I am finally in the US. You know what she asked me first? ?Are you going to church?? She did not care if I had roof over my head, food to eat, or if I was safe! Now you got why I left, correct?
But, this is about drinking, not about lack of motherly concern. I was 24 when I made this phone call.
Fast forward, few years later, well adjusted, hard working got myself another degree, this time a Graduate Degree in Business from an Ivy League school. I drank a little more than non drinking people, but certainly never to any excess. The only warning sign was a boyfriend who disapproved of my glass of wine on Friday night, or two with dinner. Did he see something I was not seeing, or was he just controlling? Also, a few times before a very hard exam, I found myself pouring a glass of wine and scolding myself ? what are you doing? You cannot afford to mess this up!
Of course, I never did mess up ?yet.
I had a glamorous graduation, to which I have flown my both parents to the U.S. on my dime. This was their first time in the US and they were beaming with pride when they heard my name called to get a diploma from one of the most prestigious schools in the country. (which are the only words they understood) I already had a great job offer from a prestigious consulting firm. This is May of 2001
Then, things start falling apart ? the economy is slowing down and my job is put on hold indefinitely. Then, my world goes in shutters as I watch the Twin Towers go down on 9/11 and the economy is in tail spin. The wine becomes more frequent, but the heck, the whole country is in the mourning?
Next blow ? the job offer is rescinded ? sorry about that, they say.
Next blow is a phone call from home ? Dad is losing weight and going to oncologist. Diagnosis ? pancreatic cancer. I knew he has only little time, so I go home for a few months to take care of him and spend time with him. I still had no job, and was living on the sign up bonus from my fabulous job, which they generously let me keep.
Next blow ? three days after my return back to the US dad dies ? back on the plane to Europe for a funeral.
This all happened within one year, which is sort of a blur to me. I do not remember drinking much (denial?) but my friend and roommate left her journal open and I saw her entry ? ?I am really worried about her ? yesterday she drank again? That really made me frightened and angry (Clue from alcoholic tests ? ?Do you get upset when your family or friends criticize your drinking??)
In retrospect, I should have gotten some counseling then. But, I am tough and decided to rough it out. Besides, I did not have much money left and did not think of seeking a free support group. For whatever reason, at the same time, my dear friend and roommate turned cold on me. I am sure I was a mess to deal with and she liked me to be strong and together.
An unexpected job offer comes from sunny Florida, and I decided to cut lose my ties with the north. Little did I know then, that moving to a new place to a new job in my state was not such a good idea. The job put me in a nice corporate condo, but I did not know anybody and my coworkers who were married did not socialize much after work.
It was then when I turned to my good acquaintance, who was becoming my good friend ? wine?.
Buzzed with energy after work, I would come back to my condo and pace around like caged animal. My bottle was waiting for me, smiling, nice and chilled. I put up a good fight for a long time ? went to the gym, went to the pool, went to the beach, started dating on the Internet. But the creeping feeling ? ?What?s the use?? started taking over. Initially, I opened the wine after the work out, and then, would go to the gym after one glass, but I got scared of heard attack by running after drinking so I skipped the gym and went straight to wine. My social life picked up, but in FL it is mostly around drinking, so it did not help much. I stared feeling bad physically, but somehow (denial?) did not connect it with drinking. I suspected I may have some sort of the illness rather than connecting it with my wine intake.
So, I did what the AA calls ?the geographical cure? ? moved back north. By that time, I was on a bottle a night, sometimes more. I also experienced some traumatic dental problems, which resulted in front tooth extraction and needed an implant, for which I had to wait while using some horrible dental insert. I was again on the job market with my confidence shuttered. I was also dating a heavy drinker who supplied me with unlimited wine, but no true intimacy, or compatibility. So, we both drank in a silent pact not to address any issues.
But things eventually got better ? for a while. Got another good job, moved to NY and started to glue my shattered life together again. I adopted two cats, started working out, got rid of the drinking BF and expressed interest in life again. I still drank some, but I also took classes, visited friends, and my life was not consumed by wine. Then, I made another mistake ? decided to get back on the dating scene where I met the man, who almost pushed me over the edge. Not only was he an alcoholic, but with a serious narcissistic disorder, which initially made him look very strong and confident, but also made him lie without a blink. I fell for him before I realized all of the above. He was also very controlling and as a people pleaser, I allowed him to control and manipulate me. When I found out he is cheating with his ex on the top of other people, I almost fell apart. I lost lots of weight, which I did not need to. My wine became my only solace ? I was hurt, embarrassed and as I said, already isolated. Depression crept in, fed by more and more wine. Until recently, when I dusted off ?My Way Out? book (purchased a year ago) and got on with the program.
This is the legacy I am dealing with ? a broken heart, lost faith in love, realization that I made some bad choices and losing my great job (again). I do have a life to fall back on from my pre-drinking days, but the wine habits are already deeply rooted in my mind and body. I am trying to be good to myself, reach out to good people. The most important thing for me is to take responsibility for myself again, and honor that little girl in me that fought so hard. My goal is reversed to ?Heal now, survive later?
I also realized that I had very little tools to deal with life, when things go south, except drinking. I was simply unprepared to deal with events out of my control.
Sorry for making this is long; I tried to squeeze 45 years of life on two pages. Thanks for reading, if you lasted to this sentence. I am aiming for abstinence ? I need all of me to the rest of my life!
I grew up in Eastern Europe, where drinking was a normal way of life, if only for men. My mom never drank except family gatherings and is totally devoid of any addictive traits, except her fanatical religion. My Dad, on the other hand, drunk and smoked, but so did every grown men in my environment. Boy, almost all of them are dead now?
Growing up in extreme poverty and neglect, surrounded by religious fanatics, I had only one dream? get the hell out of there! My modus operendi was ?survive now and heal later? Since I was a very bright little girl, beloved by all teachers, my way out of this hell was through getting education, which I did by getting a degree at University ? first one in my family, first one in my town!
Since I was so concentrated on survival, I did not think much about drinking, but had a few episodes of getting drunk and staying at my boyfriend?s. But it was rare and certainly not a problem.
After I got my degree, I left the country for the U.S. on my own. Again, my goal was to survive first, so no indulgences were in my stars. I lived in a refugee camp for a few months and got my ticket to America! I learned as I went, for I had no idea what to expect.
Landing in the U.S. was like a dream come true. I was on my own, with access to goods unheard of back home, like my own apartment, phone line and a car! So what if it had more than 100 thousand miles on it? It was all possible, because I got a pretty good job right after arrival. I already spoke quite fluent English, having put myself through rigorous training and was ever so eager!
I remember calling my Mom from my own phone, and telling her I am finally in the US. You know what she asked me first? ?Are you going to church?? She did not care if I had roof over my head, food to eat, or if I was safe! Now you got why I left, correct?
But, this is about drinking, not about lack of motherly concern. I was 24 when I made this phone call.
Fast forward, few years later, well adjusted, hard working got myself another degree, this time a Graduate Degree in Business from an Ivy League school. I drank a little more than non drinking people, but certainly never to any excess. The only warning sign was a boyfriend who disapproved of my glass of wine on Friday night, or two with dinner. Did he see something I was not seeing, or was he just controlling? Also, a few times before a very hard exam, I found myself pouring a glass of wine and scolding myself ? what are you doing? You cannot afford to mess this up!
Of course, I never did mess up ?yet.
I had a glamorous graduation, to which I have flown my both parents to the U.S. on my dime. This was their first time in the US and they were beaming with pride when they heard my name called to get a diploma from one of the most prestigious schools in the country. (which are the only words they understood) I already had a great job offer from a prestigious consulting firm. This is May of 2001
Then, things start falling apart ? the economy is slowing down and my job is put on hold indefinitely. Then, my world goes in shutters as I watch the Twin Towers go down on 9/11 and the economy is in tail spin. The wine becomes more frequent, but the heck, the whole country is in the mourning?
Next blow ? the job offer is rescinded ? sorry about that, they say.
Next blow is a phone call from home ? Dad is losing weight and going to oncologist. Diagnosis ? pancreatic cancer. I knew he has only little time, so I go home for a few months to take care of him and spend time with him. I still had no job, and was living on the sign up bonus from my fabulous job, which they generously let me keep.
Next blow ? three days after my return back to the US dad dies ? back on the plane to Europe for a funeral.
This all happened within one year, which is sort of a blur to me. I do not remember drinking much (denial?) but my friend and roommate left her journal open and I saw her entry ? ?I am really worried about her ? yesterday she drank again? That really made me frightened and angry (Clue from alcoholic tests ? ?Do you get upset when your family or friends criticize your drinking??)
In retrospect, I should have gotten some counseling then. But, I am tough and decided to rough it out. Besides, I did not have much money left and did not think of seeking a free support group. For whatever reason, at the same time, my dear friend and roommate turned cold on me. I am sure I was a mess to deal with and she liked me to be strong and together.
An unexpected job offer comes from sunny Florida, and I decided to cut lose my ties with the north. Little did I know then, that moving to a new place to a new job in my state was not such a good idea. The job put me in a nice corporate condo, but I did not know anybody and my coworkers who were married did not socialize much after work.
It was then when I turned to my good acquaintance, who was becoming my good friend ? wine?.
Buzzed with energy after work, I would come back to my condo and pace around like caged animal. My bottle was waiting for me, smiling, nice and chilled. I put up a good fight for a long time ? went to the gym, went to the pool, went to the beach, started dating on the Internet. But the creeping feeling ? ?What?s the use?? started taking over. Initially, I opened the wine after the work out, and then, would go to the gym after one glass, but I got scared of heard attack by running after drinking so I skipped the gym and went straight to wine. My social life picked up, but in FL it is mostly around drinking, so it did not help much. I stared feeling bad physically, but somehow (denial?) did not connect it with drinking. I suspected I may have some sort of the illness rather than connecting it with my wine intake.
So, I did what the AA calls ?the geographical cure? ? moved back north. By that time, I was on a bottle a night, sometimes more. I also experienced some traumatic dental problems, which resulted in front tooth extraction and needed an implant, for which I had to wait while using some horrible dental insert. I was again on the job market with my confidence shuttered. I was also dating a heavy drinker who supplied me with unlimited wine, but no true intimacy, or compatibility. So, we both drank in a silent pact not to address any issues.
But things eventually got better ? for a while. Got another good job, moved to NY and started to glue my shattered life together again. I adopted two cats, started working out, got rid of the drinking BF and expressed interest in life again. I still drank some, but I also took classes, visited friends, and my life was not consumed by wine. Then, I made another mistake ? decided to get back on the dating scene where I met the man, who almost pushed me over the edge. Not only was he an alcoholic, but with a serious narcissistic disorder, which initially made him look very strong and confident, but also made him lie without a blink. I fell for him before I realized all of the above. He was also very controlling and as a people pleaser, I allowed him to control and manipulate me. When I found out he is cheating with his ex on the top of other people, I almost fell apart. I lost lots of weight, which I did not need to. My wine became my only solace ? I was hurt, embarrassed and as I said, already isolated. Depression crept in, fed by more and more wine. Until recently, when I dusted off ?My Way Out? book (purchased a year ago) and got on with the program.
This is the legacy I am dealing with ? a broken heart, lost faith in love, realization that I made some bad choices and losing my great job (again). I do have a life to fall back on from my pre-drinking days, but the wine habits are already deeply rooted in my mind and body. I am trying to be good to myself, reach out to good people. The most important thing for me is to take responsibility for myself again, and honor that little girl in me that fought so hard. My goal is reversed to ?Heal now, survive later?
I also realized that I had very little tools to deal with life, when things go south, except drinking. I was simply unprepared to deal with events out of my control.
Sorry for making this is long; I tried to squeeze 45 years of life on two pages. Thanks for reading, if you lasted to this sentence. I am aiming for abstinence ? I need all of me to the rest of my life!
welcome newme hope your road to abstinence goes well
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