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luckylady

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    luckylady

    Here is my story:
    I grew up in the bay area in california. I have an older sister of 2 years, a brother 5 yrs younger, a sister 8 yrs younger and a half sister 26 yrs younger. My parents were both heavy drinkers, my father was abusive, my mother a falling down drunk. We lived peaceful for a while travelling around the country in our vw van(before the heavy drinking) before settleing in the bay.

    After a couple of years, we became homeless and lived in a one car garage that my dad rented from a large apartment complex. No bathroom no kitchen. That is when the drinking started. for 4 years we lived like that hiding from our friends and family. My mother had my sister during that time. She would start drinking at noon and be completely smashed by the time we got home from school. the 2 little ones became my sister and I's responsibility. We had to survive and keep my brother and sister safe from many dangerous situations. Finally my mother left my dad and moved to the country taking us with her. She eventually got a dui and stopped drinking.

    I moved back to the city in hopes to create big future for myself. started smoking cigs and pot when i was in the 7th grade. i was really addicted to pot all through highschool and college.I never finished college. I never really drank except the usual college partying.

    I had really low self esteem and although i had the drive to create a big life deep down i thought i was a loser. I stumbled upon a great opportunity and began selling semi-precious beads for an indian company. I got to travel around and do gem and mineral shows. I quit smoking pot. One day i just had no desire to smoke it. Never have since. That was 16 years ago. I started having anxiety and I did not understand the feelings i was having but i realised that having a drink helped me calm down and not be so scared.

    I eventually got a really great opportunity to work in a corporate it company as a temp- filing. I saw this a s my big chance to make something of my self. I worked really hard and climbed the corporate ladder to vice president. I made really good money, I was really proud of myself.

    I bought my own home on my 28th birthday. ( it was a really big deal given it was such an issue growing up)

    I was doing great! I had surpassed most peoples expectation of me including my own. I became someone people could count on. But my drinking started to get heavy then. I would get drunk on a date and sleep with the guy. I would wake up and feel terrible and like my mom. Eventually i got pregnant with a guy i liked but barley knew. He and I got married and have 3 boys total. He was not in a position to take care of me and the kids. I took care of us all financially for a while. But things started to go down hill. It was hard to work the way i did before kids. I started to feel huge amounts of guilt for not being around for my boys. I pretty much missed most of their early years.

    I lost my house, my savings, everything. i just couldn't make enough money to keep it all together. I am still married. unsure about it. I drink every night. A good night is 2-3 drinks. a bad day is a bottle of wine. i feel remorse and guilt. I look horrible. i feel like i don't get anything accomplished.

    My kids suffer, my life has become a constant reminder of the deprivation experienced as a kid. I still smoke ciggarettes- i feel horrible about that. I want to stop drinking but it seems like that is the only thing that makes me feel better and not feel scared.


    Sorry this is so long. thatnk you listening and I am so happy to have found this site!

    #2
    luckylady

    Hi Lucky, a warm welcome to you.
    Your story is a heartbreaking one. But what shows through is your strength. You can turn this around. You have done it before and I am sure you can again.
    You will find that the drink will exacerbate your anxiety. Its a viscous circle. Keep reading and posting here. Join a daily thread for regular support. You can do this and we are all here to help.
    Best wishes and thanks for sharing your story.
    Living now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
    Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009

    Comment


      #3
      luckylady

      (((Luckylady)))

      First of all good for you, starting out with such little and working your way up. You are a smart, capable woman who I feel, from reading what you wrote, can do anything you set your mind to.

      A couple of questions. Is your hubby now working? And if not, why not? Does he drink too? What are the ages of your kids.

      It sounds like you use alcohol to lessen your anxiety. Have you told your doctor about this and have you thought about anti-depressants? I, for one, could not function without them.

      What would you like from MWO?:l:welcome:

      Comment


        #4
        luckylady

        :welcome: lucky lady,looks like you had it tough growing up but as hopefully you get used to this site you will see many of us did,we are all here because we have the same problem with alcohol,no one is any different or has the monoply on the pain ,hurt or suffering,so i hope you join us and start to fight the demon drink. :welcome:


        :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

        Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
        I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

        This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

        Comment


          #5
          luckylady

          Hello Luckylady and welcome. You have taken the first important step by finding this site and having had the bravery to share your story with us. This is truly a great place, full of wonderful people and we have all traveled down the same alcoholic path. You will recieve non-judgemental help, support and advice here. May I suggest that you start by downloading the MWO book and reading it, it will help you to put a plan together. Keep close to the boards and keep posting. If you have any questions, thoughts or answers just post. You are welcome on every thread, thats the way it works here. I see from your story that you are a strong person, well you can win this battle too if you really want it badly enough.
          Keep safe
          KTAB
          Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

          Comment


            #6
            luckylady

            Thank you all so much for your posts. It has really helped me today! In answer to your , Hart, My husband works seasonally and does try to contribute financially. We moved to the area he grew up and it is depressed economically. He is uneducated and has decided to begin his college education next year. He has been a great father but a shitty husband. Although he loves me he has issues with control. He does not drink like i do at all. In fact, he wishes i didn;t drink as much. We almost divorced this year but are trying to work it out. My kids are 4, 8 and 9. Awesome boys. They are great kids who do well in school and have a great future ahead of them. They are consciensious people who are interested in everything. I would love to be happy during this time of their life so i can enjoy them while they are little.

            I am really happy to find this community. All of you are so courageous and inspiring!

            Comment


              #7
              luckylady

              sorry to hear about your childhood .keep up the good work.your in a good place here,

              Comment


                #8
                luckylady

                Hi luckylady. I can relate to your story because I feel the same low self-esteem. It's led me to be a fake person and I don't want to continue this way. The anxiety is still there but the only way forward is to allow ourselves to feel those emotions and make sense of them. Good luck,

                Comment


                  #9
                  luckylady

                  Welcome LL,
                  I know how you feel I was drinking about as much as you, and I felt like crap. On june 21st I decided I'd had my last headache. I havn't jad a drink since then. Last night my son brought a left over bottle of wine from a dinner and I dumped it down the drain,
                  I'm glad I did because I feel really scared and stressed out too. I just know that Al wont help me.
                  You can do this you willfeel so much better and your boys will be so proud of you. Get some counseling or join a church or whatever helps you, You deservs this,
                  Take care of yourself.

                  Sparrow

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