Here is my story:
I grew up in the bay area in california. I have an older sister of 2 years, a brother 5 yrs younger, a sister 8 yrs younger and a half sister 26 yrs younger. My parents were both heavy drinkers, my father was abusive, my mother a falling down drunk. We lived peaceful for a while travelling around the country in our vw van(before the heavy drinking) before settleing in the bay.
After a couple of years, we became homeless and lived in a one car garage that my dad rented from a large apartment complex. No bathroom no kitchen. That is when the drinking started. for 4 years we lived like that hiding from our friends and family. My mother had my sister during that time. She would start drinking at noon and be completely smashed by the time we got home from school. the 2 little ones became my sister and I's responsibility. We had to survive and keep my brother and sister safe from many dangerous situations. Finally my mother left my dad and moved to the country taking us with her. She eventually got a dui and stopped drinking.
I moved back to the city in hopes to create big future for myself. started smoking cigs and pot when i was in the 7th grade. i was really addicted to pot all through highschool and college.I never finished college. I never really drank except the usual college partying.
I had really low self esteem and although i had the drive to create a big life deep down i thought i was a loser. I stumbled upon a great opportunity and began selling semi-precious beads for an indian company. I got to travel around and do gem and mineral shows. I quit smoking pot. One day i just had no desire to smoke it. Never have since. That was 16 years ago. I started having anxiety and I did not understand the feelings i was having but i realised that having a drink helped me calm down and not be so scared.
I eventually got a really great opportunity to work in a corporate it company as a temp- filing. I saw this a s my big chance to make something of my self. I worked really hard and climbed the corporate ladder to vice president. I made really good money, I was really proud of myself.
I bought my own home on my 28th birthday. ( it was a really big deal given it was such an issue growing up)
I was doing great! I had surpassed most peoples expectation of me including my own. I became someone people could count on. But my drinking started to get heavy then. I would get drunk on a date and sleep with the guy. I would wake up and feel terrible and like my mom. Eventually i got pregnant with a guy i liked but barley knew. He and I got married and have 3 boys total. He was not in a position to take care of me and the kids. I took care of us all financially for a while. But things started to go down hill. It was hard to work the way i did before kids. I started to feel huge amounts of guilt for not being around for my boys. I pretty much missed most of their early years.
I lost my house, my savings, everything. i just couldn't make enough money to keep it all together. I am still married. unsure about it. I drink every night. A good night is 2-3 drinks. a bad day is a bottle of wine. i feel remorse and guilt. I look horrible. i feel like i don't get anything accomplished.
My kids suffer, my life has become a constant reminder of the deprivation experienced as a kid. I still smoke ciggarettes- i feel horrible about that. I want to stop drinking but it seems like that is the only thing that makes me feel better and not feel scared.
Sorry this is so long. thatnk you listening and I am so happy to have found this site!
I grew up in the bay area in california. I have an older sister of 2 years, a brother 5 yrs younger, a sister 8 yrs younger and a half sister 26 yrs younger. My parents were both heavy drinkers, my father was abusive, my mother a falling down drunk. We lived peaceful for a while travelling around the country in our vw van(before the heavy drinking) before settleing in the bay.
After a couple of years, we became homeless and lived in a one car garage that my dad rented from a large apartment complex. No bathroom no kitchen. That is when the drinking started. for 4 years we lived like that hiding from our friends and family. My mother had my sister during that time. She would start drinking at noon and be completely smashed by the time we got home from school. the 2 little ones became my sister and I's responsibility. We had to survive and keep my brother and sister safe from many dangerous situations. Finally my mother left my dad and moved to the country taking us with her. She eventually got a dui and stopped drinking.
I moved back to the city in hopes to create big future for myself. started smoking cigs and pot when i was in the 7th grade. i was really addicted to pot all through highschool and college.I never finished college. I never really drank except the usual college partying.
I had really low self esteem and although i had the drive to create a big life deep down i thought i was a loser. I stumbled upon a great opportunity and began selling semi-precious beads for an indian company. I got to travel around and do gem and mineral shows. I quit smoking pot. One day i just had no desire to smoke it. Never have since. That was 16 years ago. I started having anxiety and I did not understand the feelings i was having but i realised that having a drink helped me calm down and not be so scared.
I eventually got a really great opportunity to work in a corporate it company as a temp- filing. I saw this a s my big chance to make something of my self. I worked really hard and climbed the corporate ladder to vice president. I made really good money, I was really proud of myself.
I bought my own home on my 28th birthday. ( it was a really big deal given it was such an issue growing up)
I was doing great! I had surpassed most peoples expectation of me including my own. I became someone people could count on. But my drinking started to get heavy then. I would get drunk on a date and sleep with the guy. I would wake up and feel terrible and like my mom. Eventually i got pregnant with a guy i liked but barley knew. He and I got married and have 3 boys total. He was not in a position to take care of me and the kids. I took care of us all financially for a while. But things started to go down hill. It was hard to work the way i did before kids. I started to feel huge amounts of guilt for not being around for my boys. I pretty much missed most of their early years.
I lost my house, my savings, everything. i just couldn't make enough money to keep it all together. I am still married. unsure about it. I drink every night. A good night is 2-3 drinks. a bad day is a bottle of wine. i feel remorse and guilt. I look horrible. i feel like i don't get anything accomplished.
My kids suffer, my life has become a constant reminder of the deprivation experienced as a kid. I still smoke ciggarettes- i feel horrible about that. I want to stop drinking but it seems like that is the only thing that makes me feel better and not feel scared.
Sorry this is so long. thatnk you listening and I am so happy to have found this site!
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