my shameful story

[donewithit]

hello all, I have been reading this site for about three weeks now.

I have given up my alcohol since that time with two near misses.. But I know that if I stumble I will ruin any chance of saving my marriage.

I have lied and stolen from my husband for a couple years now. He knew I drank, but not the extent of it, and I lied about where I was and how many drinks I had. I hid bottles all over the house and kept an almost empty bottle of wine in the fridge, but drank from full bottles that he did not know about.

I have blatently lied about my whereabouts. Example if he phoned my cell and I was in a bar, I would go outside and tell him I was shopping or whatever. This man trusted me and believed me, and did not deserve this treatment at all.

I have done many many things that I am ashamed of. I even took a credit card in his name and ran it up with bar bills ect. Then when he found out about it, I denied it and let him believe that it was fraudulently obtained. It was. By ME.

All is on the table now and at this moment he is at a lawyers with two agreements we made up. At this point he wants me out by sept 1st. We did a list of who gets what ect...that is on way to lawyer. I also did up an agreement on my own stating that if he gives our marriage another chance I will agree that if I decieve him again, whether next week or next year, I will walk from the home with no right to anything other than my own clothes, jewellery and gifts that the kids have given me over the years. (our kids are older, and do not live with us anymore)

We have only been married for five years, second marriage for both of us. This man is the most wonderful person I have ever met and it is killing me to know that I have a very good chance of losing him right now.

two nights ago I wanted to talk and he didn't.. I bugged him a bit too much and he said I needed to leave it alone, he didn't want to hate me. I told him I hoped to god that there was a little love left for me. He told me that "there must be, or I would have gone to the police with proof of your fraud instead of paying it off"

I am hoping with all my heart that when the lawyer sees my proposal for continuing the marriage, including paying off all the money that he lost due to my selfishness, that the lawyer convinces him that we are not ready for seperation/ divorce.

Sorry for rambling so so much. I am just at the end of my rope.

It has been so hard this last few weeks to not drink. I was drinking at least a large bottle of wine a night. I have had a couple close calls....one when someone tried to buy me a drink at work (I manage a restaurant that is licensed) and a few nights ago when he told me he wanted me out. I know that with or without him I cannot drink......I just hope it is not too late. He is def in cover his butt mode right now and I don't blame him.


Has anyone else lied to their spouses or financially strapped them?

Thanks for listening

[Wally22]

my shameful story

Welcome Donewithit
sorry you are in such a bad place right now. Congratulations on your AF time. I truly hope you are able to continue with your AF lifestyle for your sake and for the sake of your marriage. I have not walked in your particular shoes but I have I hurt myself very badly with my drinking. I am digging myself out of my self inflicted hole.
I hope and pray that you can do the same. There are lots of people on this site with similar stories. :welcome:

[hart]

my shameful story

Hey Done :welcome:

I have done many things I am ashamed of while drinking. As has my hubby. I'm wondering if you can keep working at a place that serves alcohol. Have you thought about taking Antabuse? Then you don't have a choice, if you drink you will become violently ill. And your hubby will be able to tell, easily. It's drastic, but it sounds like you need drastic actions right now.

Your story isn't shameful, it's sad. It also might be the bottom you needed to hit before climbing your way steadily upward into the sunshine. I wish you :rays:

[donewithit]

my shameful story

thanks for the encouraging words. I have thought about talking to my doctor about meds but so far have not. I have however in the last few weeks been to 5 AA meetings. Not really my thing but I know that it is needed.

I love my job, and I have put another person in charge of bar inventory so I cannnot "sneak" and I have told my main staff about the issue with alcohol I have, and they are being very supportive. I cannot run away from it..alcohol is everywhere you turn, I need to make sure that I remember how far I have fallen thanks to my lies and deciet (and alcohol) and I hope that you are right that this is my "bottom" and as I climb back up, my husband is beside me.

so nervous right now with him at the lawyer and not knowing what is going on there..

[~iirene~]

my shameful story

done, all is shameful if, in fact you continue the path your on.
couples do have their problems, of course, financial infidelety adds more pressure.
anything can be resolved with honesty, coming forward and clean house.
if you love him and have any love for yourself, you can turn this all around.

been there done that. no more.

:welcome: to a community that cares. :l

[andaz]

my shameful story

Donewithit

Yes i have stolen from friends and family and been very irrisponsible with money.

My husband is in Afganistan working. Originally he was going to do 1 year tax free. I spent that much shopping and drinking las year we had a big fight just before xmas and he said he was furious we were going to split but we decided to give it another go. I was supposed to save and be AF. I have spent the last 8 month constantly on benders and couldn't even be sober to greet him when he came back on leave this time. I am on eggshells as when i checked the bank balance online this time the is 4000 pound missing that i have wasted. Going to have to live on bread and water for the next few months to try and get the money back in.

I have stole from my dying Mums purse my sisters wedding cards with money in them. . You have just helped to reminded me of this-another memory that had been erased from my mind.

Thank you for your post, it has reminded again that when i drink i changed into a person that i do not recognise. All my family values go out the window.
please keep stong and away from that first drink. It is the first drink that get you drunk not the last. I am only 1 drink away from being a drunk

AA didn't do it for me. but this site does it is avaiable 24/7 like your personal sober coach

[LilBit]

my shameful story

:l:l:l Hugs, Done. You are a worthwhile person who has a problem that makes you do things you're ashamed of. So many of us are that way, no matter what the "things" are. I just want you to know that you're an OK person, no matter what. You're obviously caring and sensitive, and you have a good conscience. That's saying a lot. Some people would not think twice about blowing theire spouse's money (I was married to one of them --sheesh!) You're also brave for looking the beast in the eye and trying your best to beat it. Please, do look in the toolbox as Oney suggested. Sometimes, it's just one tool, like the right supplement that gives you what you need to be successful. I;m 90+ days AF, and could not have done it without L-glutamine or the support of the people here. Good luck, stay close, and let us know how you're doing.

Ditto for you, Andaz!

[donewithit]

my shameful story

thank you everyone for the kind words and support. I am in my office at the restaurant right now and I have been bawling my eyes out. I have my door closed and told the staff to come for me only if they need me urgently.

When my hubby came home from the lawyers he still had both agreements with him. He wanted one change to mine..and had to make a couple changes to his as they were not quite in legal jargon. The lawyer said mine was well written (should be...I am a paralegal..although not really practicing right now) but the issue with mine was....sigh. One of my clauses was about drinking. That I basically could not promise forever, but I would promise that if I did fall, I would limit myself to two alcoholic bev only in one week period. I put this in as I am learning in AA not to make promises you don't know for sure you can keep..just for today.

We travel frequently and are usually in the carribean at least 3 times per year at all inclusive resorts so I wanted to make sure that I was prepared for this. He wanted it (on his lawyers advise) changed to I can never drink more than two measures of alcohol or two glasses of wine,,but only with his consent. If he tells me NO that is IT.

I am not sure about how I feel about this. I kinda feel that this is putting too much of the responsibility on his head (where it does not belong)

I can say that my husband is NOT a controller at all. In fact he is SO uncontrolling that I have got away with this behaviour for a long time.

I just feel like an idiot sitting here and crying at my desk. I should be working . luckily for me the actual owner is a wonderful woman and is only here about 2x per month..I run the show...so I don't really have to answer to anyone why I am holed up in the office..however I am not on her time..I scratched my name of the schedule tonight..no use in trying to get honest yet ripping off my employer by being on the internet while on shift.

anyway thanks again. It is good to know I am not alone ...sorry for rambling

[Cinders]

my shameful story

donewithit,

I am having a difficult time writing this because I understand your husband's shock and horror about what you have done.

I have never stolen money from my husband because of my drinking, however, I have spent huge sums of money on it that we could have used in much better places. He knows that.

I have lied to him about my drinking and he knows that.

He talked to me about divorcing me if I could not get sober, but he has been very patient with me as I have gotten sober. It took me a good 3 years of struggling before I have even gotten to where I have a good period of sobriety under my belt.

Will he divorce me if I relapse? Probably. I pray not.

Your husband has no idea what your addiction is like or about.

It is our choice to manage our addiction. That is absolutely true. We cannot abdicate our responsibility.

What I am trying to say is that you must get sober for you. You cannot get sober for him. I love my husband of 34 years very very much, if my love for him could have gotten me sober, it would have.

It was not until the day I woke up from my last drunk and just decided enough was enough for ME, that I could get sober.

I wish you all the best and much strength,
Cindi

[donewithit]

my shameful story

Cinders I was the one who decided to do it for me...I left him a 3 page letter when I went to work three weeks ago...but the lies and deciet are biting me on the butt NOW..sigh.

I think he feels that in the letter I wrote to him I was BLAMING alcohol..but really I was blaming me...

thank you for your kind words.. I hope he remembers the woman I was..and loves her enough to wait for her to find her way out of this fog.

[Sunbeam]

my shameful story

Done,
The hiding of bottles and other lies to my beloved husband were the worst part of my abusive drinking.

He always called my drinking "my problem", and I agree with him. I agree with Cinders about this. That clause where he allows you two drinks sounds like a bad idea to me.

I think your marriage agreement should not allow for future alcohol. I know you can't imagine that right now, but I think most people here say they have failed many times at trying to drink moderately. I actually do drink occasionally now, but success with that seems to not be the norm here. So at this point you should assume you cannot do this.

I'm thinking you might need a separation period from your husband during which you get rid of your drinking problem. Many are not successful on their first try at quitting. You need some time to create your success. When you have achieved that, your marriage could continue.

Just my thoughts. My heart is with you.

[donewithit]

my shameful story

sunbeam?? did you have a seperation time? how did you deal with it. It KILLS me to think of life without him. I do think that even though AA says to say NO today but not to be unrealistic and say never (my interpretation)... I NEED TO SAY NEVER. done really well for three weeks now..

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

my shameful story

Hello Donewith and welcome, a big well done on your AF time. I really dont know what to advise you in relation to you and your spouse. I do know that the best thing you can do is get sober and stay sober for YOU. I hope that you guys can work out the rest of your problems. In arriving here you have found a great place full of people who have been through all sorts of personal hell and come through it with their sobriety. I wish you all the best and want you to know that you will recieve non judgemental help and support.
Keep safe
KTAB

[gyco]

my shameful story

hi done with it.almost wrote dumb with it,,that wouldnt be nice,were never done with it,if were not drinking,were thinking of how to stay stopped,is that as bad as drinking,i dont no,welcom,i to have done the same for years,sometimes its best to sit with a councillor, not just you,him to,if he s willing,money youll always make back,how good is the marriage,i beleive the words are sickness and in health,it is a sickness, as far as your proposal it mt be a way of making him try to undrstand,will it work,hard to say,hes hurtin,doent understand,i tried many things over the years,stop for the kids,wife work freinds,to many to mention even stop for me,we have to stop for ourselves,stopping is easy,staying stopped is what counts,and REALLY wanting to stay stopped,we have to get a understanding why were the way we are,sometimes even treatment worsk,or AA,there is a way, just have to find it wish you well gyco

[Sunbeam]

my shameful story

Done,
No, I just woke up one morning and said ENOUGH. We all find our bottom in different places. I understand your thinking, but you have two big problems to work out, alcohol and marriage. I think you need to work out the alcohol one before you can decide about the marriage.

I gotta go, I have show tickets tonight, but I will check back on this thread when I get home. I hope we can all help you figure this out. Alcohol has so much deceit connected with it, it is hard to think through it.