Hi its Christine- need help again

[Christine]

I wrote in a few weeks back in anguish and desperation.I have been secretly drinking
wine at home at night. I also live alone and the wine has helped. I don't get drunk like in my vodka days, no hangovers,just relaxes me and really helped my loneliness and depression. Everyone in AA thought I had months of sobriety and was doing great.
I couldn't believe how decietful I was being and didn't know how to get out of it. I had relapsed before and it really upset my sponsor. I didn't want to lose her or AA. I really do like the meetings because they give me hope.I even picked up a 90 chip for what my sponsor thought was my sobriety date, while still secretly drinking. It felt horrible.
I know it's no excuse but living alone is hard sometimes. I have two grown kids but they have busy lives.The wine helped.
A couple of days ago my sponsor saw me buying wine. I didn't know she was in the store.
She called me extremely upset, and I lied and told her it was for a neighbor. But she knew I was lying, and i finally admitted about my secret drinking. The next day she told me she could not be my sponsor anymore, that I need to find a new one and start all over.
I know I deserve it but the shame is horrible. I know I have lost her trust forever and she is a dear lady. She says she is shocked at my behavior.
I feel heartbroken. But I'm glad it happened because I do no want to live a life of lying ever again. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. But I have to pick up the pieces and go on.
I have not drank since it happened but I feel devastated and hopeless, I prayed to God to please not leave me, I need him now more than ever.
I don't know about the book and the rest of your program but I am ready to find out.This is
all my fault I have no one to blame but myself
Thanks for listening. I went to an AA meeting tonight and realized how much I do not get
the program
I really want to stop decieving myself and others. I long to be real.

[hadit]

Hi its Christine- need help again

Christine, Please don't be to hard on yourself. I to am a secret drinker also and understand how you are feeling.We al have an addiction,an illness like any other sickness. I used to drink everyday and had done for years but with constant contact with MWO I have been able to reduce my intake considerably even had a al free weekend... a first! I am fairly new here and do not know if I will ever beat this beast but we can only keep trying. Try to be positive and keep posting.

[Zeppie2]

Hi its Christine- need help again

Hi Christine - it really sounds like you are ready to give being Alcohol Free a try. Good for you. I don't know what goes on in AA as I have never been but this site is a godsend, we are all in the same boat here, struggling with alcoholism.

Surely if you can show your sponsor you are serious about giving up alcohol she may give you another chance.

Welcome to MWO anyway

[Gold]

Hi its Christine- need help again

Hi Christine,

I understand drinking through loneliness, boredom and depression, the irony of course is that it does not help but makes it worse and we only truly realise that when we are no longer drinking.

I am sure AA must vary in different places and meetings, after all the people there are only human and no-one is perfect. It must have been awful for you maintaining a charade but I doubt you are the first and you won't be the last.

I went to AA about four years ago and intially found it wonderfully supportive but then I began to question some of the things in my own mind. There was a lady who had been sober for 15 years and one weekend she drank becasue her husband had admitted to an affair, this lady was honest and told everyone what had happened. They were sympathetic and understanding but stripped her of her recognition of her past sobriety and she was back preparing the teas and coffees, demoted. I found that rather harsh, I understand that is how AA works but it was the last thing she neded.

In my opinion your sponsor has reacted in a self-centred way seeing the situation from her point of view only, and hasn't tried to understand why you did what you did, that is her choice of course. You do not deserve it, what she said is her judgement it is not who you are.

There is a lovely AA thread in the Monthly Abstinence section and people have some wonderful insights to share, perhaps that would help in understanding the programme more.

Things are out in the open now and that is a good thing, do not allow yourself for one moment to feel undeserving or ashamed, you needed help from your sponsor and she was unable to give it to you.

:l :h

[JackieClaire]

Hi its Christine- need help again

Hi Christine,
I went to AA last year, and did my 90 meetings in 90 days. Unfortunately it wasn't for me. I had more questions and answers.I had to take a step back. It worked for a lot of people, but I used to come away with my head spinning.
Take heart,there's no-one here sitting in judgement on you.
I've found a lot more support here than I ever did in AA.
Jackie xxx

AF 7/7/2009

[Christine]

Hi its Christine- need help again

Thanks everyone - helps so much

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Hi its Christine- need help again

Hello Christine, hang in there you can do this. You need to forgive yourself for what went on recently. Beating yourself up over it will serve no useful purpose, in my opinion.
Today is a new day and you can make it the first day of the rest of your life, if YOU choose to. Stick close to the boards and use the support here. There are so many good people here who understand what it is like to struggle with this.
Keep safe
KTAB

[mario]

Hi its Christine- need help again

hi christine,i go to Aa about twice a week,its ok and its not for everyone, but i think we need to talk to people in a real to real confersation in case we need reminding of why were here and what were fighting,your sponsor was upset because you lied to her/him,maybe she shouldnt have reacted the way she did,but we are all human.hope you get back on track,you have great support & help here.The are no reasons not to succeed.odaat.

[joerindge]

Hi its Christine- need help again

hang in there Christine dont beat yourself up you will make it if you keep trying

[brightlite]

Hi its Christine- need help again

Hi Christine,

I am not an AA participant, but have found this forum, the people and advice without judgment or criticism the BEST!

Now, do you drink because you are lonely Or are you lonely because you drink? Maybe there are other activities that you can do in the evening that will get you around positive, happy, sober people. There are always all sort of interesting hobbies or special interest groups or volunteer organizations. Just think about it and keep reading and posting here....you will like us!

[stepintime]

Hi its Christine- need help again

That was my experience of AA too.
I went to many AA meetings, and by taking the bits I needed, and ignoring the bits, that sent me hurtling to the nearest offie, I managed to reduce my drinking a lot, even getting quite a few sober days behind me. However, my experience of a sponsor came to a end, in not too dis similar circumstances to yours. I had got 3 months sobrierty behind me, for the first time ever, when I stupidly picked up a drink again, with ...ironically an AA member! ...and one who was also a 13 stepper.
After a particularily bad night's drinking, which turned into me having no recollection of the following 24 hours, I opened up to my sponsor, and told her. Instead of support, I got a severe telling off, and no empathy what so ever. I didn't give her the chance to 'dis own'me.I 'dis owned' her!. The thing that concerned me the most, was that after that dreadful episode, I was feeling really low, guilty, and incredibly vulnerable. I wanted her help. If I hadn't had the love and care of my family and doctor, her words could have been the words to push me over. I haven't spoken to her since.
It seems to me, that AA is only on-side if you're winning. They dont want the 'loosers'. Well this addiction is all about loosing to alcohol. Until you finally build up the strength to start winning.

I haven't ruled out AA. I just pick my meetings more carefully. And am carefull who I befriend.

Keep trying. It's when we stop trying that we loose.

[Christine]

Hi its Christine- need help again

Thanks for writing and caring.

Thanks for taking the time to share that with me. I do feel low and vulnerable and like a loser and so full of shame and guilt. But I still have God and I won't give up. I don't like the
attitude of shunning either which is precisely why I didn't tell her. Thanks again for caring

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Hi its Christine- need help again

Christine, you are not a loser, you have an illness called alcoholism. Shame and guilt comes with the territory but you have found us here and you are trying to change your life arround. For that I applaude you. You should really try and forgive yourself for past errors, we all make them and have felt the shame and guilt, we are only human.
Keep safe
KTAB