Today is my mother's birthday, and the conversation I had with her when I phoned to congratulate her triggered my need to tell my story today. Apparently, a friend of mine is also going to be at her birthday lunch. She regaled me with the tale of how he is "like a child in the house, poor X had such a bad childhood, I miss you but X is fulfilling your 'duties'" I could go on, but this is not the time or place.
I would also like to point out that I do not regard any of what follows as a justification for my alcoholism. I am learning to take responsibility for my life, and not to blame factors external to myself.
In material terms, I had a privileged childhood. We lived in big houses (the smallest had 5 bedrooms, the biggest 8). There was always a swimming pool, sometimes tennis courts. We were driven around by chauffeurs, with guards at the gates. All very cushy if you looked in from the outside.
But I had a fucked-up childhood, and here are some of the things that stand out for me.
I grew up scared. Afraid of almost anything. This is an area I need to explore more in the months to come, because I think there are a lot of things I'm still suppressing. In my mind's eye, I can see a dark figure appearing at my bedroom door in the middle of the night. I am not yet ready to face any other images to come to mind.
I grew up alone. I attended 7 schools over the 12 years of my schooling. I never learnt how to make lasting friendships. It was always hard to fit in in a new place. My parents were often away, and I would either be dropped off at the houses of their friends, or left to be taken care of by staff. My two brothers were quite a bit older than me, and not interested having the pipsqeak tag along. When I was sent to boarding school, I went home four times a year. I felt alone there, too.
I grew up feeling inadequate. I was never good enough. My brothers excelled at sports. I sucked at it. Even in high school, when I performed at the of my class, it was never good enough. I was told that I would get a car if I made the first rugby team (snowball's hope in hell of that happening), but my other achievements were swept aside. My parents didn't attend my high school graduation, and was on holiday when I received my university degree.
I grew up feeling unloved.
After graduating from high school, my godmother (my aunt) invited me to go on a holiday with her before I started university. On our way back, I fell asleep at the wheel and the car rolled. She died as a result. To this day, I can remember looking into her eyes in the back of the ambulance, and knowing that she was not going to make it. When my grandmother arrive at the hospital, her first words were: "My daughter has been taken from me." I can't remember the funeral. When she had been cremated, my father sent me to the crematorium to go and fetch her ashes. When I got home, he had me transfer the ashes from the cardboard box in which it came, into the little wooden coffin they had bought. There were little pieces of bone left. No-one ever told me that it was alright. No-one spoke about it. I was never offered counselling. Her ashes was buried on top of my grandfather's grave.
A month later, I went to university to study law - a career that had been decided for me many years before. That's also where my drinking career began. Over and above the normal student binges at big parties, I used to sit alone in my room and get blind drunk, just to try and forget everything.
After graduation, I started working at a law firm and hated every moment of it. The drinking escalated from binges two times a week to drinking daily. After two years, I had had enough and decided to go back to university to study something different. Needless to say, the news wasn't taken very well. Fortunately, my one uncle was prepared to sign surety for me so that I could obtain loans to pay for it. I was much happier, but the alcohol had taken its hold on me - the drinking continued.
Two years later, I met my wife. Boy, did I get blasted for that one. My parents were in town for a weekend, and we decided to announce our engagement at a lunch we had with them. Mistake. Stony silence ensued. We made an early exit. I was "summonsed" to go and see them the next day, where I was told my choice was unacceptable. She was the wrong race, from the wrong religion and from the wrong side of the tracks to boot. I walked out.
Fourteen years later, I'm glad I did. Things did settle into a semblance of normality with my family after a while, but it has always been superficial.
My drinking continued to spiral further out of control, but my wife and I have a wonderful thing going, especially when it comes to our two kids. They are the greatest gift I could ever have received.
The turning point in my life came about three months ago, when my wife sat me down and told me three things:
- How much she loves me
- That she doesn't want me to die young
- That she cannot continue living with an alcoholic
It scared the living daylights of me, although my first reaction was anger, of course.
It also set off a process during which I did a hell of a lot of thinking and searching. Then I found MWO.
Today, I am three days AF, and feeling better than I have in years. And yes, I'm doing this for my wife and kids, but most importantly, I'm doing it for ME. I deserve to start loving myself and to feel good about who I am. After all, if these three people wanted to stick by me for so long, I cannot be without worth.
I know the hardest part of the journey still lies ahead, but I'm proud of myself to have made a start.
I would also like to point out that I do not regard any of what follows as a justification for my alcoholism. I am learning to take responsibility for my life, and not to blame factors external to myself.
In material terms, I had a privileged childhood. We lived in big houses (the smallest had 5 bedrooms, the biggest 8). There was always a swimming pool, sometimes tennis courts. We were driven around by chauffeurs, with guards at the gates. All very cushy if you looked in from the outside.
But I had a fucked-up childhood, and here are some of the things that stand out for me.
I grew up scared. Afraid of almost anything. This is an area I need to explore more in the months to come, because I think there are a lot of things I'm still suppressing. In my mind's eye, I can see a dark figure appearing at my bedroom door in the middle of the night. I am not yet ready to face any other images to come to mind.
I grew up alone. I attended 7 schools over the 12 years of my schooling. I never learnt how to make lasting friendships. It was always hard to fit in in a new place. My parents were often away, and I would either be dropped off at the houses of their friends, or left to be taken care of by staff. My two brothers were quite a bit older than me, and not interested having the pipsqeak tag along. When I was sent to boarding school, I went home four times a year. I felt alone there, too.
I grew up feeling inadequate. I was never good enough. My brothers excelled at sports. I sucked at it. Even in high school, when I performed at the of my class, it was never good enough. I was told that I would get a car if I made the first rugby team (snowball's hope in hell of that happening), but my other achievements were swept aside. My parents didn't attend my high school graduation, and was on holiday when I received my university degree.
I grew up feeling unloved.
After graduating from high school, my godmother (my aunt) invited me to go on a holiday with her before I started university. On our way back, I fell asleep at the wheel and the car rolled. She died as a result. To this day, I can remember looking into her eyes in the back of the ambulance, and knowing that she was not going to make it. When my grandmother arrive at the hospital, her first words were: "My daughter has been taken from me." I can't remember the funeral. When she had been cremated, my father sent me to the crematorium to go and fetch her ashes. When I got home, he had me transfer the ashes from the cardboard box in which it came, into the little wooden coffin they had bought. There were little pieces of bone left. No-one ever told me that it was alright. No-one spoke about it. I was never offered counselling. Her ashes was buried on top of my grandfather's grave.
A month later, I went to university to study law - a career that had been decided for me many years before. That's also where my drinking career began. Over and above the normal student binges at big parties, I used to sit alone in my room and get blind drunk, just to try and forget everything.
After graduation, I started working at a law firm and hated every moment of it. The drinking escalated from binges two times a week to drinking daily. After two years, I had had enough and decided to go back to university to study something different. Needless to say, the news wasn't taken very well. Fortunately, my one uncle was prepared to sign surety for me so that I could obtain loans to pay for it. I was much happier, but the alcohol had taken its hold on me - the drinking continued.
Two years later, I met my wife. Boy, did I get blasted for that one. My parents were in town for a weekend, and we decided to announce our engagement at a lunch we had with them. Mistake. Stony silence ensued. We made an early exit. I was "summonsed" to go and see them the next day, where I was told my choice was unacceptable. She was the wrong race, from the wrong religion and from the wrong side of the tracks to boot. I walked out.
Fourteen years later, I'm glad I did. Things did settle into a semblance of normality with my family after a while, but it has always been superficial.
My drinking continued to spiral further out of control, but my wife and I have a wonderful thing going, especially when it comes to our two kids. They are the greatest gift I could ever have received.
The turning point in my life came about three months ago, when my wife sat me down and told me three things:
- How much she loves me
- That she doesn't want me to die young
- That she cannot continue living with an alcoholic
It scared the living daylights of me, although my first reaction was anger, of course.
It also set off a process during which I did a hell of a lot of thinking and searching. Then I found MWO.
Today, I am three days AF, and feeling better than I have in years. And yes, I'm doing this for my wife and kids, but most importantly, I'm doing it for ME. I deserve to start loving myself and to feel good about who I am. After all, if these three people wanted to stick by me for so long, I cannot be without worth.
I know the hardest part of the journey still lies ahead, but I'm proud of myself to have made a start.
well tips thanks for sharing your story,A very interesting read and gives an insight into what you went through and how alcohol became a part of your life,And now my friend you have given and will get great support here in your new alcohol free life :goodjob:
Comment