My Story- rather long, but I do need help

[Bailey589]

I've never done anything like this before, but feel the need to tell someone....where I am not seen, just heard. I'm hoping it makes me feel the real need for quiting, if I see it in writing. I've been drinking for about 6 years on and off, when it's on its very heavy, I drink a 1/5 of bacardi rum every 3 days. It started when I was trying to fit in at a new job. I had an extremely verbally abusive boss, I believe the reason why I didn't quit the job was because I wasn't sure where else I would go and that I had no self-esteem or self-respect. I started drinking because everyone else did, my boss started drinking at noon, and it's been 4 years since I've quit, but I still think about him all the time and it is very self destructive. I started drinking at 5:00 because that's when everyone else got to go home except a few of us, we worked until work was done, sometimes not till 10:00. Anyway, this is when I started drinking the rum. I started dating my now husband who also worked at the same place and he drank a lot too, not near as much as me, just drank to get through the day. Well, I found out I was pregnant right before we both quit the job and I was able to quit drinking cold turkey because I was afraid for my son's health, I never took another drink until I was done breastfeeding. Then, I'm not even sure why I started.....anyway, I drank heavily again until I found out I was pregnant with our daughter. Again, I was able to quit cold turkey, but this time found myself drinking late at night after I would breastfeed my daughter. When my daughter was old enough that she no longer breastfed, I was right back at it. My husband has his own business and I raise the kids and help him, it's a horse training business. A little over a year ago my husband was away and I was drunk, the kids had just woke up from a nap and I wanted to quickly go down to the barn and do some chores, well I ended up getting kicked right below the chest, dead center. I can remember it clear as yesterday, it knocked me down, I couldn't breath, all I could do was tell myself GET UP, you have to GET UP and get your kids! Well, somehow I got my breath, go up and walked up the hill, on the way up thankfully the woman that takes care of some of our landlords horses was still here and I could hear her, but I couldn't see her cause I was blacking out. I told her what had happened and she rushed me along with my kids to the hospital. I had to stay overnight and had a lacerated liver. Well I was able to stop drinking cold turkey again for 2 months, cause that's how long the doc told me it would take for my liver to heal.....Well, you'd think my dumb ass would realize this was why I should stop drinking. It was my drunk ass that had caused this in the first place! Well, I went right back at it, drinking heavily again, then in March of this year, I was again drunk, trying to help my husband and I was out trying to catch two horses. They proceeded to kick me in the head, not just running me down but dancing on my legs for a while. My left leg was so severly broken below the knee I have had 2 surgeries and an 8 inch L shaped plate with 12 screws in it and 2 screws in the front of my shin. This again was caused because of my poor judgement while being drunk. 6 months later I am still bruised and sore in both of my legs, and guess what, 3 months after the surgeries, I'm back to heavily drinking.....I HATE IT, and I HATE what I'm doing to my family! I have no friends because I'm sure they don't come around because I am almost always drunk in the evening!!!!!!!!!!! Today, I have not drank a thing and am trying the cold turkey once again, it seems to be the only thing that works for me, I am very scared for my health, specifically my liver. I want to live a long time to watch and ENJOY my children growing up! I don't want to have a negative impact and I don't want them to hate me because I never want to do much when I am drunk and I get angry easily. I hate myself because of it and I want to stop!

[Gold]

My Story- rather long, but I do need help

Hi bailey and welcome,

Thanks for sharing your story, it's good to get it out. It sounds as though you're had a very tough time and seem to have reached a point where you know this has to stop. You need your wits about you working with horses as you know, and alcohol is putting you at risk.

You have come to a brilliant place where you will not be judged, you will be supported and find most loads of good advice. There's always someone here from some corner of the world.

When I first arrived here I was told to make a plan, what I wanted to achieve at the start and for me that was going 30 days without alcohol, apart from a slip of one day which taught me a lot, I restarted and I have passed the 30 days. If I can do it and so many others can, then so can you.

Downloading or sending off for the book is good, it helps you to plan, there are many different ways of supporting yourself through supplements and medications if you wish. I have found the L-glutamine and Kudzu to be effective.

The main thing is to start taking care of yourself and know that you are a good person, have a goal and we here will support you in it.

It might be a good idea to post a quick introduction in the "just starting out" section you will quickly meet lots of people there and orientate yourself around the site.

The very best of luck to you and :welcome:

[JackieClaire]

My Story- rather long, but I do need help

:welcome:
Hi Bailey,

Good fine site you've found here. Kind,wise people. Loads of support.
Keep reading the posts, drop by when you can. Don't forget to SHOUT if you need help.

We're always willing to point you in the right direction.

Hope to get to know you better.

Love Jackie xxx

AF (alcohol free) since 7/7/2009

[Blue Sky]

My Story- rather long, but I do need help

Hi Bailey

There are lots of mums on this site. Many write of quitting while pregnant and breastfeeding then it gradually increasing again. You are not alone. Come over to the Just Starting Out forum and join either the newbies nest or ODAT (One Day At a Time).

There are people on this site who were drinking much more than you who have been successful. Make a plan. If 30 days seems impossible try to go 4 days and then re-evaluate. Have you heard of milk thistle? It's a suppliment that is meant to help the liver. Also, drink water with fresh lemon in it as that will help you too.

You can change, but it's down to you.