A double life

[drunky]

I am a runner, an athlete, an artist and a drunk. I live alone. I have a habit of vowing to solve all of my problems tomorrow. I can have one last party, right?
I tone down my drinking before challenging athletic events. For example, the night before my first marathon I only had two pints of guinness. This might seem like it is not a problem. But it really is. I am a 100 lb. female who usually drinks 3-5 pints each night. I can't seem to function for more than two days without at least one drink per night. When I try to stop drinking I can not sleep. Each day I have awful anxiety attacks, sweaty palms and feet, and I tend to organize my day around how I will procure my beer that evening.
I am self employed and work different hours every day. If I book a job that starts after 8pm I wonder how I will get my drinking done. I usually figure it out (I stay up later so I can finish my drinking).
Being self employed in this difficult economy has also lead me to brokeness. I have always thought I was sane but last week I ate one meal a day and drank 3 beers a night. I think that this is the behavior of an addict. If I spent my beer money on food I might be happy. I might be full.
Everything in my life is about to change. I currently own a home but I am putting it on the market and becoming a renter. I am selling everything I do not need. I want to let go of my past and move confidently towards an unknowable future. Life feels really uncertain and strange right now but I am willing to evolve. I just need the strength to do it now. I want to quit drinking on monday and make it last for thirty days. During these thirty days I will be preparing my home for a sale and figuring out what is next. It sucks, actually. I have always felt the need to move forward but I have a stubborn side that wants everything to remain the same.

[universal]

A double life

Hi drunky and welcome.

You will find that many of the things you have said here resonate with many of us. We all want to have that "one last party!"

Being self employed is admirable but also difficult. It does allow for a lot of room for AL as you have mentioned. I too suffer from the anxiety attacks and have tried to figure out ways to procure my beer for that evening. I am also an active female and beer seems to revolve around my baseball, volleyball etc. events.

Keep reading and posting and we will all support you here. You have found a great community of caring people who all have the same goal. We slip, we fall, we get up and try again. The one thing is that we never stop quitting.

Good luck!

Love and hugs,
Uni

[Doggygirl]

A double life

Drunky, I hope you are still around reading. Universal is right - all of us here share alcohol problems in common. You are not alone in your struggles or fears. There is always hope!

Here are some things in your post that I absolutely relate to:

One last party. (I procrastinated everything until "tomorrow" - especially the need to address my drinking!)

ALWAYS having my plan in place for that days drinking. (and getting really aggravated if there were obligations that meant drinking couldn't start until "late.")

ALWAYS finding money for booze - even if that meant sacrificing other important things such as food.

I'm sure there is lots more we have in common. We are all here to help if you decide you want to stop the madness.

Strength and hope,

DG

[Angelcakes]

A double life

Hello Drunky (no more!)
Welcome & thanks for your story. You've come to a good place, keep reading & posting to help you through the 30 days.

xo

[modereco]

A double life

Wow I can really relate to this. Up until 5 days ago, I often would sacrifice eating well to budget for my alcohol for the evening. living in Toronto, Ontario, there are somewhat limited options for where to buy booze (liquor stores are government owned) and i commute by subway so I plan my evenings around a trip to the LCBO, and I never buy more than enough for one night because if I do, i'll just drink that as well! i always would hate it if i had to work past 8:30 because the latest LCBO closes at 9pm. If i had to I would go to a bar, but I really tend to avoid it since I spend so much already on alcohol at the store, drinks at the bar cost way more.

looking at the way i have been living like this, almost every single day having the plan for drinking in the evening foremost in my mind... what a way to live! it's like being a slave to booze. I am so glad I found MWO and that I have somehow motivated myself to go AF and start this program, even though its only 5 days I already feel so much better and the perspective on the way i was is astounding. It makes so much sense to just live my life and not worry about drinking each night, but somehow i'm sure it creeps in, so i need the tools of this program to keep me on track.

i also always procrastinated about when to start going AF, and I noticed you said "on Monday..." hopw you are doing well with it... if not, why not just start this moment? that is what I did 5 days ago, and it is the first time in a long time that I actually did it. planning to start on a future date (tomorrow or Monday) just doesn't kickstart the willpower as well as dropping everything right now does. Good luck to you on your plan, take it one day at a time and keep at it.

[1967]

A double life

wow... drunky ... what an honest post.
it is weird how we can be so matter of fact about our addictions and they can STILL get the better of us.
it sounds like u are ready to start down that new road you mentioned.
i know that i am ready to give up wine for good myself.
i felt so bad last year and i didn't even realize that i was creating all the bad feelings myself.
or most of them at least.
i'm right there with you on the sleep problem too. try melatonin.
i'm not suggesting going from one thing to the next but a little melatonin is far better then beer.
good luck and stay close to this site. when i get too busy for it i tend to revert back to my 'old' behaviors.

[mario]

A double life

:welcome: drunky quite an honest post,you have come to a great community who can relate to what ever you want to do re your drinking :goodjob:

[rubywillow]

A double life

That's the beauty of this place - we can finally, sometimes after decades, be honest about where we are in our addiction. An honest, no-frills look at ourselves is essential if we want to change. I would suggest that when we are tempted to make an excuse for our behavior we stop and really examine how we are feeling, what we're thinking that makes us want to pick up. Just taking a few minutes gives us more perspective, instead of automatically falling into our old routine. Many times it IS the routine that is our downfall. Just changing one thing, one place, one route, can give us time to re-think our patterns. I encourage you all to stay here, read other stories, use the tools, find a buddy or a mentor, and make this the last time you have to worry about the 'morning after'.
Rubes