I was wondering if anyone else here has essential tremor? It's a genetic thing that can appear at birth as did mine. It was hell growing up trying to hide a shaky hand especially when my mother was cruel to me about it (my father had it as did his mom and her grandfather and now my two sons). Imagine my surprise when I found out that in those days there were two known "treatments" for it: beta blockers, which I tried and did not work for me, and alcohol. So at first alcohol was a way for me to get a job (no kidding -- the stress of interviews and typing tests etc. would make my hands shake out of control with out a good stiff drink beforehand.)
Then there was the fact I lived in France for seven years and everyone drinks wine but usually in moderation. But I was young and the crowd I hung out with hung out in bistros and drank late into the night. Still it wasn't a problem for me and I was kind of judgmental of anyone who couldn't just say no.
In my twenties and thirties it was more a relax on the weekend thing, but not a necessary thing. In my forties with some hard things happening (a spouse dying of cancer after a six year long struggle full of ups and downs), lots of stress in a high pressure job and well, my own ability to find excuses, it got much worse, like a binging on the weekend thing and a daily rite after work.
Then in my fifties the sh** hit the fan with all kinds of stuff: serious illness in my new spouse, a divorce, disability from the essential tremor finally getting the better of me (it gets progressively worse with age), getting involved with some for lack of a better word psychopathic people while taking up a new hobby, and my ability to find excuses in the disapointments that life has to offer everyone, mother's death, sister stealing all her money, well, I know this is starting to sound like a pity party so I'll stop. But I can't seem to stop drinking. The best I've done is three days in the last year.
I did have two years AF after seeing Rhonda Lenair. Ex-spouse was p/a -- as her brother put it: she'll notice if someone pours themself a second drink but not if she pours herself one. Lots of scary hospital stuff in my childhood due to a sister who was in Children's Hospital for all of our youth so hospital stuff sends me into a tailspin and ex-spouse was having medical emergencies all the time. When she wasn't she was goading me to drink even when I was AF. Anyway, the divorce was a good thing in retrospect but hell going through it.
So here I am, wishing to the heavens I could get free. I can't afford another visit to Rhonda and I'm afraid that with the way stress is piling up -- money difficulties, the aforementioned psychopaths who have brought a lawsuit against me seeking hundreds of thousands of dollars and the resulting lawyers bills, and health not so great -- a visit wouldn't really take. I found that when I was relatively stress free I had no problem abstaining after a visit to Rhonda. Anyway her fee has doubled since I first visited her.
I'm trying Bac. Just reading Dr. A's book was a positive for me. I could so identify with his self loathing and feeling "oh sh**" when he awoke each morning. And having people think he should just get ahold of himself. And that feeling of anxiety and low self esteem that was part of the reason for drinking. My tremor is worse than ever. Is it the bac? Don't know. I'm wondering how long it took him to get to his magic dose? Sounds like awhile but he doesn't say. And at 160 I'm already having significant side effects. How much higher should I go? Should I just give up? Should I just accept that I can't find an answer? I don't want to do that. I know he was afraid because he was in uncharted territory but I feel that I am too.
Then there was the fact I lived in France for seven years and everyone drinks wine but usually in moderation. But I was young and the crowd I hung out with hung out in bistros and drank late into the night. Still it wasn't a problem for me and I was kind of judgmental of anyone who couldn't just say no.
In my twenties and thirties it was more a relax on the weekend thing, but not a necessary thing. In my forties with some hard things happening (a spouse dying of cancer after a six year long struggle full of ups and downs), lots of stress in a high pressure job and well, my own ability to find excuses, it got much worse, like a binging on the weekend thing and a daily rite after work.
Then in my fifties the sh** hit the fan with all kinds of stuff: serious illness in my new spouse, a divorce, disability from the essential tremor finally getting the better of me (it gets progressively worse with age), getting involved with some for lack of a better word psychopathic people while taking up a new hobby, and my ability to find excuses in the disapointments that life has to offer everyone, mother's death, sister stealing all her money, well, I know this is starting to sound like a pity party so I'll stop. But I can't seem to stop drinking. The best I've done is three days in the last year.
I did have two years AF after seeing Rhonda Lenair. Ex-spouse was p/a -- as her brother put it: she'll notice if someone pours themself a second drink but not if she pours herself one. Lots of scary hospital stuff in my childhood due to a sister who was in Children's Hospital for all of our youth so hospital stuff sends me into a tailspin and ex-spouse was having medical emergencies all the time. When she wasn't she was goading me to drink even when I was AF. Anyway, the divorce was a good thing in retrospect but hell going through it.
So here I am, wishing to the heavens I could get free. I can't afford another visit to Rhonda and I'm afraid that with the way stress is piling up -- money difficulties, the aforementioned psychopaths who have brought a lawsuit against me seeking hundreds of thousands of dollars and the resulting lawyers bills, and health not so great -- a visit wouldn't really take. I found that when I was relatively stress free I had no problem abstaining after a visit to Rhonda. Anyway her fee has doubled since I first visited her.
I'm trying Bac. Just reading Dr. A's book was a positive for me. I could so identify with his self loathing and feeling "oh sh**" when he awoke each morning. And having people think he should just get ahold of himself. And that feeling of anxiety and low self esteem that was part of the reason for drinking. My tremor is worse than ever. Is it the bac? Don't know. I'm wondering how long it took him to get to his magic dose? Sounds like awhile but he doesn't say. And at 160 I'm already having significant side effects. How much higher should I go? Should I just give up? Should I just accept that I can't find an answer? I don't want to do that. I know he was afraid because he was in uncharted territory but I feel that I am too.
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