I AM AN ALCOHOLIC

[aquamarine]

Hi Everyone, I actually started out here I believe two years ago with my first attempt to stop drinking. This place helped alot. I did very well for about a year and now slowly have
let alcohol reenter my life. I have everything in the world to be thankful for, not any
major traumas ever in my life- just this horrible problem. The deep dark self hatred it is
causing me as well as the distress it is causing my husband and children is just about
killing me. What I really realize this time is something that I just couldn't even say before.
Even now it just makes me cry to say it to myself- I am an alcoholic. Does that realization
for anyone else out there just seem devastating. I don't think I'm any better than anyone
else- in fact quite the opposite- but I am I would say extremely responsible, reliable,
loving and half intelligent- but I am in ALCOHOLIC. The thought of it brings indescribable
feelings of shame and disgust in myself. I'm hoping maybe by just giving in to that
realization and actually saying it will help. I'm going to try to come on here everyday like
I used to and put it in the forefront as the most important thing. Any thoughts or reactions
would be greatly appreciated. Aquamarine

[olivertwist]

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC

Aquamarine

Hi Aquamarine,

Have you checked out this site regarding baclofen???

Lots of people like you and me are reporting positive results? The craving is really less and in some cases stops?

I am still checking it out, but I have ordered some baclofen.

Take a look, and take care, you have admitted it, now you have to take this evil problem on, like me, I have been trying and failing for 32 years!!! But if we do not try....what.....I hate being in the control of drink.

Regards,

Olivertwist

[brightlite]

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC

It is a horrible disease. At some point in our lives, we made the switch from being a social drinker to having an addiction to the disease called alcoholism where our brain chemistry has been altered. It now affects everything we do and think. The disease makes us isolate ourselves because we come to the conclusion that we can't fit in with "normal" people. The damage has to be reversed to lead a productive life.

I'm am also taking Baclofen, I'm still at a low dose of 50mg. I still drink occasionally, but not like I used to and the best part is that I'm not obssessing about wine constantly. It has kind of given me back a little slice of my life where I can actually focus on other areas or try to build on other areas to help combat the disease. I need to go up in dosage to get to what others are calling an "indifference" to alcohol. I'm in the slow process of that, but I drive alot so scared to go up more rapidly.

Anyway, welcome and read through all the threads and be informed. Make a plan and come back and post, we are a great community!

[Suni]

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC

Hi Aquamarine,
You sound like a very brave lady to me.
I'm glad that you managed to do so well for a year before letting alcohol re-enter your life. Many many people try many times before they are able to finally leave it behind them for good, so there is always hope. We are all here to support you.

I have everything in the world to be thankful for, not any
major traumas ever in my life- just this horrible problem.

Yes, me too, and I'm sure there are hundreds of thousands out there who could say the same thing -including some of the most privileged celebrities in the world. Unfortunately alcohol doesn't discern between those who have something to drink about and those who don't! It is just as likely to be challenging for those without problems as it is for those with them.

I am very sorry that you feel inclined to feelings of self-hatred and shame over this.
All that you have is an adiction to a very powerful substance that is widely available and legal everywhere and you are certainly among friends here. You have no need to feel bad. It is not something that you deliberately brought on yourself. I'm sure if you had known the effect that it would have on you before you started drinking you would never have started but unfortunately none of us has that fore-sight. Added to that, many people can drink 'normally' for many many years before they suddenly find their drinking out of control which makes me suspect that it's abit of a continuum and that sooner or later given enough time and enough alcohol................remember it takes between 2 and 60 years on average.
It's obviously progress that you are able to admit that you are an alcoholic and I congratulate you on your new found awareness and I can identify. It's actually less than a month ago that I was able to admit to myself that I could be an alcoholic. The label for me is not that important. Whether I actually am or not is besdide the point, but like you, I was able to admit to myself and to another person (my husband) that for the first time in my life I was facing up to the fact that i had a drink problem.
The interesting thing for me was that as soon as I had verbalised it to him- and yes I was afraid how he might react - I felt immediately relieved and eager to do something about it.
I noticed that you have put the word alcoholic in large letters as if you are some kind of monster!
Please don't do that to yourself Aquamarine. You are a perfectly normal human being who happens to be addicted to a powerful substance but you will manage to wean yourelf off it like everyone else around here if you want it badly enough.
You need to give yourself the utmost respect and validation right now and what you need is a plan that involves a lot of self care and nourishment.
Keep reading, posting and work on that plan. Let me know if I can help.
X love Suni

[aquamarine]

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC

Thank you so much for your replies- OliverTwist, BrightLight and Suni! I am reluctant
to go on anything like Baclofen- although it does sound effective. I was on alot of
meds to get migraines under control- which I finally did and am kind of happy to be off
everything now. The putting the word alcoholic in capitals really reflects how I feel about
it. Even though nobody except my husband and one friend really know my struggle I feel
like I have a big label on me and will be revealed to everyone at any moment. I know that
sounds crazy but it is just so very embarrassing to me. But that being said those kinds of
thoughts truly get you nowhere. I need to put together a plan and just take it day by day.
Thanks Again, Aquamarine

[tassimo]

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC

Hey there aqua...I know a lot of people here use meds and that is great...everyone needs to do what they can in order to fight this. I saw my doctor and she discouraged them and wouldn't prescribe anything. I was okay with that as I try to be a minimalist when it comes to prescriptions. I was able to go AF, with minimal withdrawal symptoms. It does take willpower, no doubt about that. What we need to keep in mind when the cravings hit is that they last anywhere from 30 seconds to about 5 minutes, then they pass. If you can hold out during that time, you'll be so proud of yourself. Do whatever you need to do to distract yourself. I also can sympathize about admitting you are an alcoholic. It is tough to think it, never mind type it down and admit it to others. Isn't it kind of a weight off your shoulders though? And to know there is this great place to come and chat with others who have the same issues is so comforting. You know you are strong as you have kicked it before,,you can do it again..best wishes to you..

[Doggygirl]

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC

Hi Aquamarine!. Wow - I first found MWO in 2007 as well and began this incredible journey to sobriety. There are lots of bumps in the road, that's for sure. But I have come to treasure my sober life and will go to absolutely ANY length to stay sober. The alternative is just too ugly a place...

I too struggled with admitting I'm an alcoholic. I too struggled with accepting I'm an alcoholic. I would chronically compare myself to other alcoholics - not to find ways to identify and relate, but to find ways to prove to myself that "I wasn't that bad."

I still had my husband, my business, my car, my house, my drivers license. Nary a DUI in sight. "Alcoholics" were people who had lost at least one of those, and probably more of those. My alcoholic mind was quite willing to help me deny, deny, deny in order to drink drink drink. Or even after I went AF, leave the hint of an option open to drink drink drink in the future.

No more.

This disease/affliction / obsession / addiction / whatever-you-like-to-call-it affects people of all races, creeds and colors. Of all socio-economic backgrounds. Of all ages and sexes. I am no longer embarrassed or ashamed to admit that I am an alcoholic.

Just as there are active alcoholics out there from every walk of life, so are there alcohlics in recovery out there in every walk of life. I am extremely grateful to be in recovery with people who I have a lot in common with (similar jobs, lifestyles, etc.). I am also extremely grateful to have gotten to know recovering alcoholics from every other walk of life under the sun, and realize how much I have in common with them too.

If there is a blessing for me somewhere in this disease, it has been the chance to broaden my respect and appreciation for a range of people that I never would have considered associating with before. Well, unless I needed a drink. Then I'd sit next to absolutely anyone in a bar.

Sorry to wax philisophical. Your post is very interesting and got me thinking - I hate when that happens! :H Welcome back. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. That trite old saying is true IMHO. If I can, you can.

DG

[shirazgirl]

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC

Hi Aqua,
I think admitting that we are alcoholics makes us feel that we will eternally be labled as such. That we will lose our identity and become in others eyes, only an alcoholic. It is a big cross to bare. I felt the same exact way. Most of my friends drank more then I did (when we were out at pubs, I always wanted to be the "good one". But once I got home and was alone, the cork got unleashed and I would come undone. I realized I only had to admit it to myself for it was me who had to fight this demon and it was me who had to put in the effort. I am still not comfortable shouting it from the roof tops but I am no longer embarassed about it either.

So you have taken the first step to recovery. Read other members posts who have had some serious AF time and how their lives have changed for the better. Reading Doggy Girls posts hit home about leaving the door open to think maybe someday I can drink again. I have 33 days and have never tried the mdoeration thing and to be honest, I don't know that it would work for me. The truth of the matter is I drink for the buzz because I LIKE it. One or two really won't do much for me so I don't understand why I would start there.

Evaluate yourself and your goals. Ask for help and advice, especially from the seniors on this board. Even those who are still struggling to become AF or moderate will lend a helping hand. Don't be embarassed, we all have flaws. Some people eat to much, work to much, take to many drugs, have anger problems as we are all human. Nobody I ever met is perfect. We are all a work in progress.....

[aquamarine]

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC

Thanks for all your replies. Each one has helped me more than you will know. For some
reason I am just extremely emotional and depressed right now and I really think it is
because I have truly let sink in to myself exactly what I am - whatever label you
want to put on it. Shiraz something you said really hit home- you feel like you will be
eternally labeled as an alcoholic, lose your identity and become only an alcoholic. That
is how I feel other people would feel about me. That is why I haven't opened up to anyone
except my husband and one close friend. On the flip side I feel like this incredible wave
of emotion/depression I am feeling can also help me make an equally significant change.
I guess it is the cross I have been given to bare - even though I feel like I brought alot of
it on myself- and I need and can choose to do with it what I choose. Anyways- sorry for
the rambling . Really did just want to thank all for your reaching out. Aquamarine

[KateH1]

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC

Hi Aquamarine and welcome back!
First of all, I hate labels....any and all labels. I do however know that I, for whatever reasons, physical, mental, emotional.....I cannot drink alcohol. With nearly 2 years of sobriety, I now see that this is truly no great loss and in many ways, perhaps it is a gift!!

You have a year of sobriety in your past, and I am certain that you know how living without alcohol lifts that shadow of depression and anxiety, particularly if we also work on ourselves and our life style choices.

Best wishes for a Healthy, Happy Future!
Kate

[ancon]

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC

Hi Aquamarine,

I have only read your post so far. I just scrolled down to respond to you so I could get the words out before I lose them!

I found this site in Sept. - only 2 months ago. It is a wonderful place with many different people in many different phases of recovery and even non-recovery. There is lots of hope and advice here.
I ended up in an outpatient treatment program which included 2 AA meetings each week. I must say I had tried AA before but this time I had a much better experience. Coupled with the outpatient groups and lectures and a doctor's supervision, I have been sober now for 45 days. I have also used some of the MWO program - supplements and the CD's to help me along.

Now, I really enjoy the AA meetings and don't mind saying I am an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic and I hate having this disease. But I have met many wonderful, helpful people that truly care about me and what is going on with me. Admitting you have a problem and/or are an alcoholic should not fill you with shame, but open the doors to a whole new world, new friends and a life that you enjoy and are proud of.

I am very happy I have finally accepted the fact I am an alcoholic. I can finally put my shameful, secret, horrid life behind me and start a new one. It's about time!

Read through as much of the posts as you can, read the MWO book, check out an AA meeting and figure out a plan that works for you. The nice thing about being here is that no one will put you down for what you choose to do. You will only get encouragement and praise for doing well. And encouragement when you fall.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing.