Dear Garagerat and all,
My first posting.
I was sorry to read of your relapse, but like many others have said, you are obviously a very strong and determined character and you will beat this curse, why? Because this is a small trip and not a continuous fall. I would suggest you write down a list (and it will be long) of all the good times and feelings you have experienced before this relapse, and your heart of hearts may tell you that the drink you are holding is a foul and miserable concoction of anger, hate, remorse, sadness, fear, loathing and most of all total despair.
Unfortunately, I am not here to offer you a success storey, I have been drinking for 32 years and have failed in every effort and promise to stop. I do not refer to myself as an alcoholic, they seem to be people who attend the AA meetings, tell you the sad and pitiful saga?s of their lives, then listen to you spill your guts and then offer salvation through the bible, as if I am a sinner who can understand that and find I can repent.
I have attended countless AA meetings throughout London and found them to be of no help at all. I did try, but I got lost with the storeys of drinking shampoo or aftershave, of couples splitting up as the party goer who had stopped drinking for ten years had now become boring, and was now living alone but content with the closeness of the bible and the daily attendance at church to pray that the sobriety would continue.
As far as the bible goes? I have begged whoever may be there to help me stop, to find the strength inside to stop, or at least explain why I am cursed with it......no reply or sign flew across the sky.
I tried detox, the doctor comes around, you have an injection, they leave you some pills and you are supposed to stay calm, drink plenty of vitamin C and rest. I asked for anti-depressants, to stop bouncing off the walls, but they cannot risk it, until you prove yourself, sure, I had follow up meetings with a care worker, but they had to be cut to a minimum as I was working (excuses?) then the care worker was promoted and I had my excuse not to attend as I didn?t want to go through the process of starting up the relationship again.....excuses?
Sure enough, my demon raised his head again and came out of the cage that is within my head and told me that if I just kept it to a few beers with lemonade, what harm would that do? Everyone I know drinks, friends, family, and Work colleagues, yes I tried to run away to Spain to escape the culture here, but it just follows you.
Sure enough, the arguments started again at home and at work, my girlfriend left me, lost my job, argued with friends(now gone) family (close and not so close) and here I was again.
I collapsed in a park one day and was taken to hospital, they know me well, my medical records show the talk of suicide, the hateful mornings were you wake up again, the fractures to my face and hands from hitting lampposts and walls from the frustration of being what you are, a drunk.
They recommended a course of Antibuse, a bucket is placed beside you, they tell you take one and then offer you a small beer to show you how sick you will be? I did not take up the offer as I had spent most of the previous day?s vomiting, but I promised to take the pills over the coming weeks, guess what, I overdosed on them, spent 3 days in bed without waking, losing 3 days is no fun...that screws your head, then vomited so much that bile or the lining of my stomach started coming up and that made me retch more.............that?s pretty well close to hell (no mobile phones at this time).
As time went on, the violence surfaced more and more and I ended up in prison, instead of hitting a wall or lamppost, I hit a person, albeit they were antagonising me in the street, it was still wrong to lash out. Being off the poison in prison helped, although they brew hooch and it is readily available if you really want it, I took the sensible option and started smoking lots of dope!!!! Yes a real smart choice!
Needless to say, the drinking started again when I was released, everyone knows where you have been, everyone points, the silent whispers.....you stay indoors and alone and the demon starts planning your life that drink is a protector, no one knows what you have been through, seen in prison, you start to hate society, you cannot understand how people get married , have kids, play in the park, go on holiday, it?s all out of context, another dimension that you are barred from seeing and touching, because you are what you are, a drunk and you cannot stop, it just nags and nags day and night, the only thing that makes it stop is..........a drink.
We all know that this is the killing time of the year? Any good work you achieve, beware that fatal sentence, ?Oh go on, Its Christmas, one won?t hurt, don?t be so boring?
I guess you and all the readers know the touch of insanity? Suicide would be one quick fall, one last bottle with as many pills as you get your hands on? But the crazy thing is? The guilt of how you would hurt all the people who still had cared about you, seems to kick in....well I guess that?s the point when it?s that bad, it?s better to cross it.
I seem to have tried everything else and I always fall back, I have just made a list of all the people I have hurt, been extremely cruel to, the failure that this curse has caused, the evil, sad and worthless person it has made me feel that I have become, I am going to read this list to myself each day and remind myself of the monster I become when I drink, if people persist in offering me a drink? I will send them this list.
I cannot think of any other way of facing this and beating it.
Good Luck and stay strong.
My first posting.
I was sorry to read of your relapse, but like many others have said, you are obviously a very strong and determined character and you will beat this curse, why? Because this is a small trip and not a continuous fall. I would suggest you write down a list (and it will be long) of all the good times and feelings you have experienced before this relapse, and your heart of hearts may tell you that the drink you are holding is a foul and miserable concoction of anger, hate, remorse, sadness, fear, loathing and most of all total despair.
Unfortunately, I am not here to offer you a success storey, I have been drinking for 32 years and have failed in every effort and promise to stop. I do not refer to myself as an alcoholic, they seem to be people who attend the AA meetings, tell you the sad and pitiful saga?s of their lives, then listen to you spill your guts and then offer salvation through the bible, as if I am a sinner who can understand that and find I can repent.
I have attended countless AA meetings throughout London and found them to be of no help at all. I did try, but I got lost with the storeys of drinking shampoo or aftershave, of couples splitting up as the party goer who had stopped drinking for ten years had now become boring, and was now living alone but content with the closeness of the bible and the daily attendance at church to pray that the sobriety would continue.
As far as the bible goes? I have begged whoever may be there to help me stop, to find the strength inside to stop, or at least explain why I am cursed with it......no reply or sign flew across the sky.
I tried detox, the doctor comes around, you have an injection, they leave you some pills and you are supposed to stay calm, drink plenty of vitamin C and rest. I asked for anti-depressants, to stop bouncing off the walls, but they cannot risk it, until you prove yourself, sure, I had follow up meetings with a care worker, but they had to be cut to a minimum as I was working (excuses?) then the care worker was promoted and I had my excuse not to attend as I didn?t want to go through the process of starting up the relationship again.....excuses?
Sure enough, my demon raised his head again and came out of the cage that is within my head and told me that if I just kept it to a few beers with lemonade, what harm would that do? Everyone I know drinks, friends, family, and Work colleagues, yes I tried to run away to Spain to escape the culture here, but it just follows you.
Sure enough, the arguments started again at home and at work, my girlfriend left me, lost my job, argued with friends(now gone) family (close and not so close) and here I was again.
I collapsed in a park one day and was taken to hospital, they know me well, my medical records show the talk of suicide, the hateful mornings were you wake up again, the fractures to my face and hands from hitting lampposts and walls from the frustration of being what you are, a drunk.
They recommended a course of Antibuse, a bucket is placed beside you, they tell you take one and then offer you a small beer to show you how sick you will be? I did not take up the offer as I had spent most of the previous day?s vomiting, but I promised to take the pills over the coming weeks, guess what, I overdosed on them, spent 3 days in bed without waking, losing 3 days is no fun...that screws your head, then vomited so much that bile or the lining of my stomach started coming up and that made me retch more.............that?s pretty well close to hell (no mobile phones at this time).
As time went on, the violence surfaced more and more and I ended up in prison, instead of hitting a wall or lamppost, I hit a person, albeit they were antagonising me in the street, it was still wrong to lash out. Being off the poison in prison helped, although they brew hooch and it is readily available if you really want it, I took the sensible option and started smoking lots of dope!!!! Yes a real smart choice!
Needless to say, the drinking started again when I was released, everyone knows where you have been, everyone points, the silent whispers.....you stay indoors and alone and the demon starts planning your life that drink is a protector, no one knows what you have been through, seen in prison, you start to hate society, you cannot understand how people get married , have kids, play in the park, go on holiday, it?s all out of context, another dimension that you are barred from seeing and touching, because you are what you are, a drunk and you cannot stop, it just nags and nags day and night, the only thing that makes it stop is..........a drink.
We all know that this is the killing time of the year? Any good work you achieve, beware that fatal sentence, ?Oh go on, Its Christmas, one won?t hurt, don?t be so boring?
I guess you and all the readers know the touch of insanity? Suicide would be one quick fall, one last bottle with as many pills as you get your hands on? But the crazy thing is? The guilt of how you would hurt all the people who still had cared about you, seems to kick in....well I guess that?s the point when it?s that bad, it?s better to cross it.
I seem to have tried everything else and I always fall back, I have just made a list of all the people I have hurt, been extremely cruel to, the failure that this curse has caused, the evil, sad and worthless person it has made me feel that I have become, I am going to read this list to myself each day and remind myself of the monster I become when I drink, if people persist in offering me a drink? I will send them this list.
I cannot think of any other way of facing this and beating it.
Good Luck and stay strong.
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake,
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