I'm a mommy and a good wife

[Ursula]

Hi!
I have been married to an amazing husband for over 6 years. From the time we met were met for each other. I loved drinkinking, having wine, going to nice restaurants, etc. He did too, only that he never overdrank. I would always get drunk. He came from a family of non drinkers, alcohol was notvreally important. I came from a family were good wine or a good grapa was important but noone ever over drunk. I went to college in Paris and I drank a lot, but because of my family history and background I just thouty it was college, problaby my mom did it too (she never did). My single years in the US I kept on drinking "socially", I lived alone and knew few people so for me "socially" met talking to people on the phone even though I was alone at home.

I married mr. perfect and had two beautiful sons. I love my sons to death and they are the main reason i visited this website. I didnt dirnk when I was gregnant with my first son, i was unable to breastfeed so I was able to resume drinking. After 9 months it started gradually, I even thought that i had become mature and learnt to drink. I didnt. Soon I started drinking a lot. Never everyday, never during the day. Always at night when the baby was sleeping. Always knowiung that my husband was around so thta he would wake up if he cried (I would be too passed up to hear him). He didnt understand how I would get so drunk if we would drink the same (for him it was a few drinks at night to release tension and to talk, and also to have some cigarettes) he didint know I always kept some hidden bottles to get me when i wanted to get.. I got sooooo sick of it, that i decied to get pregnant right away, only because i loved how i felt when i got pregnant with our first son. I did, and i loved the next 10 months of our life.

Now our new son is 13 months and I am desperate to get pregnant again because I love babies (but because i need to get sober) I know i can do it pregnant, i have proved it. I am an excelente mom. I work part time. I dedicate my afternoons to my boys doing things I know they love. My life is them and my husband, who byb the way happensa to love me, everyone thinks we are a beautiful and loving family. it is funny to say, but sooo many of friends keep on saying how much they envy us. I tried once to tell my husband i had a problem. he just said that i needed to learn to drink, that i was not 21 anymore. i know i have a problema but i come from a ver conservative family where an alcohol problem is not normal. i need to be a moderate drinker. I will buy all the cds, and do anything that it takes to get thete. Please I need some one to tell me this is possible. I have tried for the past 6 months writing my drinking etc, but i dont seem to be goo. But this site seems good. The holidays are here. I dont want remorse over the holidays, I want it to be all about the kids. I love my boys, I really do. and my husband!! You have not idea whatan amazing man he is. The boys and I are always first, he does everything for us, EVERYTHING. He just shose to believe I dont have a probrem and I need to resolve this by myself!! please help

[bobbo]

I'm a mommy and a good wife

you sure sound like a wonderfful person. I hope that things are getting better for you. This is a good place to help you out. I've been slipping lately and know what you are talking about. Wish you all the best...keep your chin up

[jenmike0504]

I'm a mommy and a good wife

I totally relate to everything you are saying, except I do come from a long line of alcoholics. Coming from a long line of alcoholics keeps me in denial, because I do not drink in the same way they do/did. I have always been able to quit when pregnant, I only drink late in the evening and sometimes I can control how much I drink....but it is hard and takes great effort, usually using food in place of drinking. I only drink a few at family functions...again great effort is needed to do that and I usually can't wait to get home to really drink. I mostly drink alone or sometimes with my husband. I usually drink from 9 to 12 at night, binging I guess you can say. When my body is starting to feel run down, I take a day or two off and then start all over again, thinking I have control......I know that I don't. Today is a day my body has had enough and I am feeling dizzy, vertigo. I am a mother of 4 and wife, but I know that I could be a much better person, mother, and wife if only I could stop this roller coaster ride.

[hippie37]

I'm a mommy and a good wife

Ursula what I got from reading your post is that it seems you are loving everyone around you but you're forgetting the most important person in the equasion......YOU.

The shame I felt around my own drinking and the terrible things I did, didn't suddenly go away when I put the drink down. I had to start accepting the person I was (good and bad) and start loving myself for being imperfect and the person I am today. Our pasts are our greatest asset because we can learn from our mistakes and move forward. I could only start moving forward when I came to accept also that I couldn't get sober for anyone else but myself. The nights I sat crying because I'd let my daughter down again after promising myself "I'm gonna get sober and be a better dad" It was too much to bare at times. When I shifted that to "I'm gonna get sober and be a better person (in my own right)" things started to change. I love my little girl dearly and with all my heart but that was not gonna get me sober. My relationship today is flourishing and positively blooming some days because I'm a better person which in turn makes me a better dad, son, brother, friend, etc.

I needed it telling to me straight though. Phil this is what you did in your active years as an addict and this is how you behaved. That was tough believe me. No one wants to hear someone say "You could of killed your daughter by sitting on her as a baby" I wanted to scream at anyone who tried to tell me I was a self-seeking self centered individual who would put the drink before anything. If you'd of said to me "Here's a bottle of vodka and a bag of coke, you can have this when you've picked your daughter up from school" I'd of chose to have the vodka and coke and then pick my daughter up from school (if I made it!).

The more layers you add to the already mounting layers of guilt, shame and remorse the more fear will drive you to keep people away from the real you. That's how it ended up for me anyway. I was so lost and in the grip of fear that I didn't even understand who I was anymore. I was delusional and living in a fantasy world putting on a mask and telling everybody I'm OK. Inside though I was being ripped apart and I just wanted love. For that to happen as I said I needed to start loving myself first and foremost before anyone could even get close to me. That takes time and even though I'm just over a year sober I'm still learning about ME and how I go about things in my life. It's a journey of self discovery getting sober. It's not just about putting down the drink for me. It's about getting in touch with the real me so I can love myself and love others unconditionally. I always needed a relationship I thought to be happy. All's that did for someone like me was make me co-dependent on someone else for my happiness. Which in effect was very superficial. It's not like that today I'm glad to say. I have a wonderful and simple life and I can appreciate that.

Keep posting and reading and hopefully some things will start to resonate within you that will lead you to your path away from the obsession.

Welcome too Jen.

Love and Light
Phil
xx