:new: I can't tell you how much of a help it's been reading your stories - there are so many things that you all say that make me sit up and think 'that could've been me'.
Drink has always been a major and very acceptable part of our family life. I grew up next to an English pub, we carved a hole through in the hedge so we didn't have to walk the long way round to get there. The owner's kids were my best mates, we'd go on family holidays together, and we all stopped by on a daily basis.
When we moved it became a ritual to trot across the road to my nan's house 6 pm for an hour or so each evening for a glass of sherry, which later became scotch, and certainly didn't stop at a glass. We used to laugh as we watched our doddery old nan stagger up the stairs to bed each night each night. My mum, auntie & cousin, to whom I'm very close, are all big drinkers, it's impossible to have a family get together without copious amounts of booze coming out. They have no intention of giving up drinking, so I guess I have to learn to deal with being part of these boozy do's without a glass in my hand. My step dad is also the stereotypic alcoholic, although he will probably die before he admits it, we have never got on.
While I was younger drink was just a social thing. We went out (a lot) and drank (a lot). Then I joined the police and I guess that's when it changed. I worked a lot on some pretty difficult cases - lots of rapes, child abuse, it always seemed to be me who got to deliver the death messages etc. I started coming home from work and pouring myself a drink or two to smooth out the stresses of the day. And of course, the compulsory glass of wine while cooking that soon became two or more. I decided to give up drinking while I was pregnant and found that I couldn't go completely without. So I 'cut back' (although if I'm honest, I probably didn't drink that much less). I didn't even try to give up with my second child. My eldest daughter will be 13 in a few months time and I guess I've been trying to cut back my drinking ever since.
I moved to France around 8 years ago. Wine is cheap, and when there's a wine box in the fridge no-one seemed to notice how much is left (or not) in there. My husband never used to drink, but he now enjoys a glass of whisky in the evening, and doesn't like the house to be alcohol free as you never know who is going to pop in over here. Trouble is, if it's there, I'll drink it. I drink a lot from habit. If I'm sat working in front of the computer I like to have something in my hand, whether it be a cup of coffee or a glass of whisky. This year has been the worst. Big financial pressures with the economic downturn, a marriage in tatters with a husband who hasn't wanted to work since we've moved to France (which has led to quite a bit of me pouring a drink and mentally saying 'f**k you', except it's not him I'm hurting). This year I started to conceal how much I was drinking. The small bottles of wine that I could stash in my handbag and get rid of later. Drinking them with orange juice so I could drink in front of the family and no-one would be wiser. Whisky and coke in a coffee cup, so it looks like coffee. And a toothbrush always at the ready. Thinking about, and starting, drinking much earlier in the day. Then driving to pick my lovely kids up from school.
I don't like this me. I'm 43. I'm a professional. I run a very successful business. I'm a good mum and a 'pillar of our local community'. I don't drink to get drunk. I don't think anyone would even think I look drunk. But I do drink. A lot. And I don't know how many times I've tried to stop on my own and just haven't made it beyond a few days. Each time I wake up and say, I'm not going to drink today, and by the end of the day I feel like I've failed. I did try seeing a professional over here, but sitting in the waiting room with all those alkies that are further down this path I just felt out of place, and then I got told off by the doctor because I'd had driven after drinking. 'Hey, I KNOW I shouldn't do that. That's why I'm here.'
A couple of months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. All the research I read said that drinking increases the risk of getting it in the first place, increases the speed of growth of the tumour and significantly decreases the survival rate. But still I have found myself on that emergency dash to the supermarket for a bottle of bubbly to cheer me up after a difficult day. The tumour has gone, but I start chemo next week. Hopefully, if I feel sick then I won't want to drink and that'll give my body the chance it needs to get over the withdrawal symptoms. 'Un mal pour un bien' as they say in France (a bad for a good). This can be the kick up the backside I need to change my life.
I've opted for the 'moderation' route as I'd still like to have the odd drink when I go out with our French friends. Wine round the table with a meal is such a huge part of French culture. And to celebrate special days. I NEVER want to drink alone again. Will moderation be possible? I guess I'll just have to wait and see, I suspect that AF is the only answer for me.
This is the first time I've ever been able to share this. It's a good place to be. Thanks for giving me the courage to speak up.
Drink has always been a major and very acceptable part of our family life. I grew up next to an English pub, we carved a hole through in the hedge so we didn't have to walk the long way round to get there. The owner's kids were my best mates, we'd go on family holidays together, and we all stopped by on a daily basis.
When we moved it became a ritual to trot across the road to my nan's house 6 pm for an hour or so each evening for a glass of sherry, which later became scotch, and certainly didn't stop at a glass. We used to laugh as we watched our doddery old nan stagger up the stairs to bed each night each night. My mum, auntie & cousin, to whom I'm very close, are all big drinkers, it's impossible to have a family get together without copious amounts of booze coming out. They have no intention of giving up drinking, so I guess I have to learn to deal with being part of these boozy do's without a glass in my hand. My step dad is also the stereotypic alcoholic, although he will probably die before he admits it, we have never got on.
While I was younger drink was just a social thing. We went out (a lot) and drank (a lot). Then I joined the police and I guess that's when it changed. I worked a lot on some pretty difficult cases - lots of rapes, child abuse, it always seemed to be me who got to deliver the death messages etc. I started coming home from work and pouring myself a drink or two to smooth out the stresses of the day. And of course, the compulsory glass of wine while cooking that soon became two or more. I decided to give up drinking while I was pregnant and found that I couldn't go completely without. So I 'cut back' (although if I'm honest, I probably didn't drink that much less). I didn't even try to give up with my second child. My eldest daughter will be 13 in a few months time and I guess I've been trying to cut back my drinking ever since.
I moved to France around 8 years ago. Wine is cheap, and when there's a wine box in the fridge no-one seemed to notice how much is left (or not) in there. My husband never used to drink, but he now enjoys a glass of whisky in the evening, and doesn't like the house to be alcohol free as you never know who is going to pop in over here. Trouble is, if it's there, I'll drink it. I drink a lot from habit. If I'm sat working in front of the computer I like to have something in my hand, whether it be a cup of coffee or a glass of whisky. This year has been the worst. Big financial pressures with the economic downturn, a marriage in tatters with a husband who hasn't wanted to work since we've moved to France (which has led to quite a bit of me pouring a drink and mentally saying 'f**k you', except it's not him I'm hurting). This year I started to conceal how much I was drinking. The small bottles of wine that I could stash in my handbag and get rid of later. Drinking them with orange juice so I could drink in front of the family and no-one would be wiser. Whisky and coke in a coffee cup, so it looks like coffee. And a toothbrush always at the ready. Thinking about, and starting, drinking much earlier in the day. Then driving to pick my lovely kids up from school.
I don't like this me. I'm 43. I'm a professional. I run a very successful business. I'm a good mum and a 'pillar of our local community'. I don't drink to get drunk. I don't think anyone would even think I look drunk. But I do drink. A lot. And I don't know how many times I've tried to stop on my own and just haven't made it beyond a few days. Each time I wake up and say, I'm not going to drink today, and by the end of the day I feel like I've failed. I did try seeing a professional over here, but sitting in the waiting room with all those alkies that are further down this path I just felt out of place, and then I got told off by the doctor because I'd had driven after drinking. 'Hey, I KNOW I shouldn't do that. That's why I'm here.'
A couple of months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. All the research I read said that drinking increases the risk of getting it in the first place, increases the speed of growth of the tumour and significantly decreases the survival rate. But still I have found myself on that emergency dash to the supermarket for a bottle of bubbly to cheer me up after a difficult day. The tumour has gone, but I start chemo next week. Hopefully, if I feel sick then I won't want to drink and that'll give my body the chance it needs to get over the withdrawal symptoms. 'Un mal pour un bien' as they say in France (a bad for a good). This can be the kick up the backside I need to change my life.
I've opted for the 'moderation' route as I'd still like to have the odd drink when I go out with our French friends. Wine round the table with a meal is such a huge part of French culture. And to celebrate special days. I NEVER want to drink alone again. Will moderation be possible? I guess I'll just have to wait and see, I suspect that AF is the only answer for me.
This is the first time I've ever been able to share this. It's a good place to be. Thanks for giving me the courage to speak up.
ray:
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