Hi there. I am 37 years old (female), married, have 2 stepkids that I adore and, of course, 6 cats. I grew up with a father who has a drinking problem. More on that later...
My problem drinking started in 1997. Never had a drink in high school except for a trip abroad (of course - it was legal there) and then one beer at the senior party. In college, binged out on weekends with all my friends and never thought about it. The problem started during a natural disaster, when I was far from home and family, and couldn't sleep. I found that a drink or two helped me nod off and I have never stopped since. I am sure there must have been a day or two in there that I was AF but I couldn't swear to it. There are simply days with (much) less alcohol and other days with way too much.
The disaster (a flood) was just one of my many excuses to drink. I can add hubby's horrible ex-wife and her greed and selfishness to the list, hubby's deployments to Iraq (we've been apart more in the last three years than together) and the ripping apart of my family three years ago (the loss of custody of my stepdaughter to the horrible ex (because hubby was deploying and being a step-parent is less than nothing when it comes to things like that...); and resulting financial issues. And anything else that I want to use as an excuse. All this time, though, I have held very good jobs and gone on to get a doctorate degree, run the house and family and keep up public appearances.
I am a very, very controlled drinker. In public (lunches, weddings, gatherings, etc.) I can abstain or hold it to one, but when I get home...look out. I have never driven under the influence or lost a job, but I have had friction with my family over the issue...I don't know how much my kids realize or comprehend about my drinking but my husband is worried about me. I am worried about me, too and that's why I got the book. I have the CD's and supplements on order. Thinking about going to counseling for anxiety and depression (have a number programmed into my cell phone already) and am looking for a doctor that I could trust and will work with me on Topamax.
I hate the word "alcoholic" and all its connotations. Once you get that label slapped on you, you are stuck forever. My friends and colleagues (even my husband!) use the word as a pejorative -- you are not right, you are uncontrolled and bad "not quite human" if you have a drinking problem. People watch you - is he going to fall off the wagon? I know, because my dad is currently in his 4th (?) inpatient treatment facility for his drinking. My (stuck up @sshole) relatives make jokes about him...but at least he is trying. But I see the path that he is on and if that were the only way to quit, I'd just keep on drinking. The whole Minnesota/AA - "I am a powerless victim" mentality repulses me. If I embrace that kind of mentality I will sink like a rock into a morass of self-loathing and recrimination and God knows what else...not a great mindset to accomplish something as significant as sobriety. Maybe its just me, but I like to think I can gain control over this through the MWO process...I see other people's stories and the support here and I am hopeful.
I have been doing a lot of online research on this...thinking about what to do to help myself. Learning, through the book and through some other sites, that there is a biochemical reason for some of my cravings is pretty liberating. Not to excuse my part in this, there is a lot of me and my psychology working here, too, but maybe a little tweaking of both body and mind is in order here.
So, the quitting begins.
My problem drinking started in 1997. Never had a drink in high school except for a trip abroad (of course - it was legal there) and then one beer at the senior party. In college, binged out on weekends with all my friends and never thought about it. The problem started during a natural disaster, when I was far from home and family, and couldn't sleep. I found that a drink or two helped me nod off and I have never stopped since. I am sure there must have been a day or two in there that I was AF but I couldn't swear to it. There are simply days with (much) less alcohol and other days with way too much.
The disaster (a flood) was just one of my many excuses to drink. I can add hubby's horrible ex-wife and her greed and selfishness to the list, hubby's deployments to Iraq (we've been apart more in the last three years than together) and the ripping apart of my family three years ago (the loss of custody of my stepdaughter to the horrible ex (because hubby was deploying and being a step-parent is less than nothing when it comes to things like that...); and resulting financial issues. And anything else that I want to use as an excuse. All this time, though, I have held very good jobs and gone on to get a doctorate degree, run the house and family and keep up public appearances.
I am a very, very controlled drinker. In public (lunches, weddings, gatherings, etc.) I can abstain or hold it to one, but when I get home...look out. I have never driven under the influence or lost a job, but I have had friction with my family over the issue...I don't know how much my kids realize or comprehend about my drinking but my husband is worried about me. I am worried about me, too and that's why I got the book. I have the CD's and supplements on order. Thinking about going to counseling for anxiety and depression (have a number programmed into my cell phone already) and am looking for a doctor that I could trust and will work with me on Topamax.
I hate the word "alcoholic" and all its connotations. Once you get that label slapped on you, you are stuck forever. My friends and colleagues (even my husband!) use the word as a pejorative -- you are not right, you are uncontrolled and bad "not quite human" if you have a drinking problem. People watch you - is he going to fall off the wagon? I know, because my dad is currently in his 4th (?) inpatient treatment facility for his drinking. My (stuck up @sshole) relatives make jokes about him...but at least he is trying. But I see the path that he is on and if that were the only way to quit, I'd just keep on drinking. The whole Minnesota/AA - "I am a powerless victim" mentality repulses me. If I embrace that kind of mentality I will sink like a rock into a morass of self-loathing and recrimination and God knows what else...not a great mindset to accomplish something as significant as sobriety. Maybe its just me, but I like to think I can gain control over this through the MWO process...I see other people's stories and the support here and I am hopeful.
I have been doing a lot of online research on this...thinking about what to do to help myself. Learning, through the book and through some other sites, that there is a biochemical reason for some of my cravings is pretty liberating. Not to excuse my part in this, there is a lot of me and my psychology working here, too, but maybe a little tweaking of both body and mind is in order here.
So, the quitting begins.
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