Gumdrop's Story

[BPleasant]

Gumdrop's Story

Yes, water and as little self battering as you can muster. RETRAIN your brain.
You were doing great, you know you can just start again.
I think if you stick up for yourself with your family, you will find a bit more strength in other areas. You can find ways to stick up for yourself without feeling as if you are alienating them and get a better support from them.

[Gumdrops]

Gumdrop's Story

I am crying my eyes out while typing this. The kindness and understanding on this site is beyond words. Thank you all so much!!!

BPleasant, my dear friend, you're exactly right....I have to retrain my brain...I'm trying so hard!

I know why I turned to the vodka last night, which is actually a step up, usually there's no reason. The post-detox insomnia + transition to night shift...I just wanted some SLEEP!!!! I haven't slept in days and it was driving me crazy! I slept for 8 straight hours for the first time in a week. It felt good.

Boredom is my enemy, I know that now. But it won't be a problem for long, I hope!!

[Raven.joy]

Gumdrop's Story

I cry all the time on this site, I think its a healing thing though

[JackieClaire]

Gumdrop's Story

Hi Gumdrops,
I just had a look at your 1st post. Wow, you have come so far in just over 18 days. Re-read it yourself, you should be really proud.
Great to see you coming back, that took real courage.

J x

:l

[BPleasant]

Gumdrop's Story

I am so glad you checked in! (((hugs)))
I am starting to understand that there are changes that happen in steps and someone wrote that major changes really take place at about 6 months. I used to think 6 months sounded like a long, long time. Now, I think I can't wait to get to 6 months. I want to make goals, make plans and I haven't done that in a long time. (not just because of alcohol in my situation...but) Now, instead of 30 I am thinking 6 months. Big talk for me, but we will see.
It's a fine line not to let oneself off the hook while still not beating oneself up.
I have a hard time falling asleep sometimes too, pretty used to the wine just knocking me out but last night I fell asleep reading this chat room here. Tonight, I am going to try to read a book. I keep water and tea next to the bed, it gives that glass to lip a replacement.
Monday, great place to be! So much better than the alternative.
I hope you aren't too hung over, tums and IBprofen and water... everytime you want to beat yourself up, try to have a mantra- "I am doing better than I was" "Today will be a good day" I used "I let go, I let God" for years and so much for the religious factor but I knew that I had to be able to think anything but the repetitive beat up thoughts. I am working on this too. I drink way too much. Today I will not drink, yesterday I did not drink.... here we go again.

[mollyka]

Gumdrop's Story

Welcome back Gumdrops! You did brilliantly coming back yes do look back on your first post and you must see how far you have come in a matter of days. Don't worry about having a slip up we've all done that just jump back up on the proverbial wagon! The sleep thing was a big issue for me at the beginning and still is to a certain extent ( thats why I'm sittin here after midnight on the couch cos hubby says I disturb him when I read, actually he doesn't say that he just sighs, and sighs..........I digress). I got 20 sleeping tablets from my doc at the beginning of which there are about 10 left, I feel its nice to know they are there for the nights I really can't sleep, don't know if its a good idea but it worked for me.
Take care and be strong I'm going to bed now (:sigh x

[jessie]

Gumdrop's Story

:lGumdrops, just keep getting up and try all over. I've fallen off many times but somehow the AF periods are getting longer and longer. My oldest daughter also suffers from depression - it is a painful thing for a mother to see.

[BPleasant]

Gumdrop's Story

Tuesday...

another day.
It even feels like a better day! Hope you are well, hope you have a good mindset and are looking forward to some low pressure, easy going exchange online!
Thinking about you.

[Gumdrops]

Gumdrop's Story

Last night went well. I haven't worked in long-term care in 10 years (been working in dialysis), but it's like riding a bicycle...it all started to come back to me. Apparently, I get a grand total of 2 nights orientation, so I'm on my own as of tonight. Seems a little crazy to me, but whatever....

BPleasant, I hope you're doing well today and know I'm thinking of you, too! We can get through this together!

Gotta get some sleep now *yawn*. I'll check back in before I leave this evening.

[BPleasant]

Gumdrop's Story

NiteyNight. I envy you... you get to care for others. So rewarding... (hugs)

[Gumdrops]

Gumdrop's Story

Well, it's official, I SUCK at being sober.

I'm 2 weeks into this new job and have called out both weeks. Last week it was due to weather (I honestly couldn't get in because the roads were too bad), and last night I called out "sick", but I was really drunk.

Truth be told, I don't want to work.....I love vodka....I'd rather stay home all day and drink, drink, drink. I love the way it makes me feel. I haven't eaten in days now. I guess I just hate myself as much as I love alcohol.

I'm self-destructive. I smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day. I'm a cutter. I'm a complete mess. I'm a 38 year old wife, mother, daughter, and nurse. And I really want to just die. I have what I need to make that happen. Please talk me out of it.

[Chillgirl]

Gumdrop's Story

Gumdrops - Im so sorry you are feeling so low. The alcohol does this to us and makes us believe we love it when in fact its the enemy. Do you have anyone there to help you? What about your husband or can you get to your Doctor who can maybe prescrib you something to help?

There is so much support available and you can turn this around. You dont really love the way it makes you feel or you wouldnt be asking for help. Please, please keep coming here and you will see you are not alone in this.

I am a similar age to you and was also a complete mess with my drinking until I managed to quit in January. If i can do it, I promise you so can you....

[BPleasant]

Gumdrop's Story

Hey Lady, Check in... You are a mess, a mess that can still write a perfect post!
Have you tried any of the drugs that are supposed to make alcohol repulsive?

[jellybabyboo]

Gumdrop's Story

Gums --- please hang in there. You sound JUST like me (we are even the same age!). I felt like Vodka (and wine) was my only friend and I really didn't want anything else. Finally, on Feb 1 of this year I was searching for an easy solution to help curb my desire for AL and it was a true MIRACLE that I found this place. I made the decision *that day* to try my best to curb my drinking (even thinking about going AF forever made me anxious and immediately fed my addiction) and I have been doing well. I'm not totally AF but I found that taking things one day (or minute!) at a time helps me to get through. I don't scare myself by saying "I will never drink again" but I ease myself into it by saying "I won't drink until 3pm and then if I REALLY want one, I can have it." At 3pm I try again. Baby steps. And I have found that 9000mgs (I know that sounds like a ton!) taken in 3 doses of the L-glute supplement really helps my cravings and general sense of well being. Maybe you could give that a try as well. Please, you are so worth at least giving it a try.

All my love and prayers

Jelly

[Gumdrops]

Gumdrop's Story

Goodbye and thanks for trying to help me.

As soon as my husband leaves the house, I'm going to check into a hotel and end this nightmare of a life.

BPleasant, best of luck to you.

I can't wait to be in the arms of God and finally have some peace....