Gumdrop's Story

[Guest]

Gumdrop's Story

Well done, Gumdrops. You've come to the right place.

Your story is very sad.

When you are further along in this journey, could you put your experiences and your nursing together? You sound like you have so much to offer others.

Keep reading, keep talking.

xxx

[Gumdrops]

Gumdrop's Story

My first night after orientation went SO GOOD!!!! I felt like a real person again. It was nice to not be fighting a hangover. It's been 73 hours since my last drink.

When I woke up, out of habit, I thought, "Where's my bottle?" then immediately remembered just how bad detoxing was...how bad my life has been on alcohol.

As for physically, I've been struggling with a nagging headache, some nausea, and some anxiety. Not too bad!

My husband is so proud of me!

[Funny Girl]

Gumdrop's Story

Gumdrop - you're the first person I've ever heard say that you didn't want to be alive. I never had - when I tell anyone that, they think I'm kidding. You know - because I'm funny. Jeez - I never understood why I was here. I always abused substances to the max hoping I'd be dead by 25 - but NOOOOO . . . .still here - had to pay the bills. . . .


I lead a really 'normal' life by all accounts - always worked corporate, and then quit & became self employed in a new industry & it's working. Have a nice house, in a nice neighborhood with dogs & all that stuff. I take art classes at the art institute here & people think I'm good. They have no idea what a screwed up mess I am. I have a whole other life that i8s so extreme, they probably wouldn't believe that either. So, I know that feeling. . . .thanks for saying it out loud. I've never had the courage . . .

[Gumdrops]

Gumdrop's Story

Funny Girl: While I'm not glad that you feel the same way I do, it's nice to know I'm not the only one...thanks for sharing that!

I didn't get to go to work tonight as scheduled. It's snowing!!! I tried to drive in, got about halfway there, and came back home. I slid off the road 3 times! (we're not used to snow around here) I have no car insurance and a dead tag. If I wrecked my car, we'd be in BIG BIG BIG financial trouble!! It just wasn't worth the risk.

The first thing I thought when I started home was, "I still have 1/4 bottle of vodka in the house...". And, I shit you not, I almost vomited and felt a pain in my liver. I had a physical reaction to the THOUGHT of drinking. Thinking of the smell of it sends a shiver down my spine...uggghhh.

Still a little scared of returning withdrawal symptoms/DT's. It's only been 3 days AF. To this point, I actually suffered the worst of it during my tapering down. I've never been that sick in my whole life. I think that's part of why I have no desire to drink at this point. I plan on keeping that memory fresh in my mind at all times. I never want to go through that again!

My daughter is home from college this weekend. She usually does her own thing and hangs out with her friends, but tonight, she came in the living room and just bared her soul to me about how she's feeling. She's in a major depressive episode. Having major depression myself, I know that without treatment it will only get worse. The thought of my precious baby girl feeling like I feel kills me. Depression, like alcoholism, is a progressive illness. I hope I can through to her that she needs to go on meds and get into therapy. I know that she occasionally drinks. I hope she sees in me how bad it can get.

[Guest]

Gumdrop's Story

Gumdrops,

Well done on 3 AF days.

Despite your sad story, you actually sound like a really strong lady.

Help yourself and help your daughter.

I have also suffered depression all my life but no-one, except my doctor, knows. I think it's under control now.

Your daughter is lucky she has you to confide in.

You say your husband is supporting you. I hope you can pull together as a family.

xxxx

:goodjob:

[Gumdrops]

Gumdrop's Story

Wow...well, the backlash from my family sure didn't take too long. All day, I received snide remarks and backhanded compliments from my daughter, mother, and husband. For example, I was talking on the phone to my mother telling her about my job and she said, "how long do you think you'll keep this one before checking back into rehab?".

I understand that I've hurt my family, trust me, I know. I understand that they have a lot of resentment towards me and a lot of anger. But, seriously, is NOW the time to do this? Doing it at this time, when I'm still very vulnerable, seems mean. I'm not even a week AF!

Sorry to keep spilling my guts here, but I don't have anyone else to talk to about this stuff.

[flowerpower]

Gumdrop's Story

gumdrops,
yep it seems mean and I'm going through the same thing. I think we need to just forget about everyone else and do what we have to do for us. Its a shame that alcohol has robbed us of relationships but one can only look forward. I too have a partner who has all but shunned me because of my drinking. I have a lot of internal anger about it but at the same token know I can't be mollycoddled either. The sad part is that I am now pretty much done with the relationship and am only focusing on my struggle (AL) at this point. I plan to be real busy as hopefully I get back on my feet and leave the other in the dust. Someday perhaps I could meet someone new and make a clean start.
I can say, that AL has wiped out everything I have, money, relationships, everything. Thank god I have a few really good friends for support. We need to hold on to what little support we do get and most of all deal within. That seems to be where the problem lies. I don't expect anything from my household at this point but its important to try not to let it punish you any further. Don't wallow, pick it up and keep going. It is what it is. Look forward, not back. I was happy to put a big zero on my drinktraker for last night and I'm patting my own self on the back. I don't care what anyone else thinks, this is my struggle.
have a great day and go with it. get busy at work, give it your all. lots of water.

[BPleasant]

Gumdrop's Story

Gumdrops...

"All day, I received snide remarks and backhanded compliments from my daughter, mother, and husband. For example, I was talking on the phone to my mother telling her about my job and she said, "how long do you think you'll keep this one before checking back into rehab?".

If you rmother says this to you as a grown woman I can only imagine the stuff she did and said to you as a child!! YOUR FAMILY HAS HURT YOU.
Because you are now a grown woman and you have your own power...
Use a Dr Phil tool and other in that profession.
"Mother, you are being verbally abuse and I will not tolerate it, if you can talk in a positive and unhurtful way we can talk but you have beat me up enough for this conversation" Say good bye and hang up.

I am amazed at what you have done and accomplished! WOW. You scared me when I first read your thread and now you are working and trying and it's just amazing!
I wonder how many of us were abused like this all through our childhoods. Wow... you can stop her from doing that to you, and if others are doing it also, you have a bunch of bullies for family members and they are all in need of being taken off their unworthy of high horses!

(((HUGS TO YOU GUMDROPS!!!))) Don't let them beat you up!

[cpn1004]

Gumdrop's Story

Gumdrop, I know it may sound trite, but it is "One Day at A Time". You can do this. However don't expect your family to jump up and down with joy right away. In my case I drank for YEARS, but I wanted my family to notice my DAYS of sobriety and give me a medal. I did not get it over that.
MYO is a good place to be. Keep coming back.

[Gumdrops]

Gumdrop's Story

Oh, BPleasant, thank you so much for your continuing kind responses. You've encouraged me more than anyone and it means more than I can say.

I don't mean to sound like my family is bad. I've never been abused in any way, shape, or form. I have NO excuse for turning to alcohol other than this hole in my heart (which is no one's fault...I was born that way, in my opinion). My family is very supportive.

This is ALL MY FAULT!!! I drank, I hurt them, and they're pissed at me. I understand, I get it. All I can do at this point is try to win their trust back and let them express their anger....God knows, they've held it in for my sake long enough. It's hard to hear the truth sometimes....

[BPleasant]

Gumdrop's Story

It sounds like they or the sentence you posted about what your mom said is actually taunting you to 'fail' or not get healthy.

I don't know your entire history but know that what you wrote is that your family is bullying you. I had thought you might want to suggest your daughter come here to the family forum, I haven't read there yet to see what it's like though.

Long day... hope you are doing good!

[Gumdrops]

Gumdrop's Story

OMG....I fell off the wagon...I'm totally drunk....WHY? WHY? I was doing so good!!! I've been through hell with detox and yet, the vodka calls my name...

I'm a complete failure

[BPleasant]

Gumdrop's Story

What others have said to me, hate the alcohol not yourself.

Are you done drinking for tonight?

[Guitarista]

Gumdrop's Story

You are not a failure in any way Gumdrop. When you've slept it off, get back up on the horse.
You've shown yourself you can do this. It is hard, but just know that many of us here, have done this before you, and so will you.

C'mon, eye on the prize.

[mollyka]

Gumdrop's Story

Gumdrop, its just a hiccup once you pick yourself back up tomorrow. You've been doing brilliantly and I reckon everyone has a few falls at first, don't worry about it, come back to us tomorrow with a big glass of water.
MInd yourself
Molly