First of all, I want to thank everyone for the support I've gotten here. I mostly lurk and rarely post, but I read ever word.
I'm a recovering falling-down drunk. I just had my first alcohol free weekend and it was wonderful!!
I'm a lot of things. A registered nurse, a mother, a wife, a daughter. You'd never know from looking at me that I'm an alcoholic. But I am...a BAD one!! On average, I drink half a gallon of vodka a day and I don't weigh much.
I've nearly lost everything. Our home, our cars, my family. Lord, my family is absolutely sick of me and I don't blame them. I've been detoxed against my will 5 times since October. But something has changed in me. I WANT to stop drinking. I NEED to stop drinking. I find that every time I pour myself a drink, I hate myself for doing it.
I became pregnant as a young woman and "missed out" on a lot of things that the typical teenager does. Once my daughter became a young woman herself, I reverted back to my teens and acted very irresponsibly. It wasn't long before I completely lost control.
My poor husband....God bless him. He's picked my sorry a** up off the floor (literally) more times than I can count. He's cleaned me up when I was covered in vodka vomit and wet my pants. He's driven me to the hospital numerous times and come to visit when no one else would. I don't deserve him.
My daughter. God help me. I've hurt her so badly that I'll never forgive myself. I see all the signs that she's following in my footsteps. And it kills me inside. How can I ever earn her forgiveness? How can I help heal her when I'm still trying to heal myself?
I guess I've just always had a hole in myself. I've been self-destructive since birth (my mother told me that I used to bang my head on my crib as a baby). As a teen, I sliced my arms and legs to ribbons. And just a few years ago, I took to injecting my breasts and thighs with bleach. Yes, bleach. (It's sick, I know.)
Truth be told, I really don't want to be alive....I honestly believe it would be best if I were dead. I'll not ever commit suicide because I don't want to hurt my family, but this dreary existence is maddening. Alcohol has helped me deal with that and now I must begin the grieving process since I can't drink anymore.
But onward and upward.....as long as I draw breath I'll keep trying to do better, to feel better. And, most importantly, to do it without alcohol!!!
Thank y'all for reading!
I'm a recovering falling-down drunk. I just had my first alcohol free weekend and it was wonderful!!
I'm a lot of things. A registered nurse, a mother, a wife, a daughter. You'd never know from looking at me that I'm an alcoholic. But I am...a BAD one!! On average, I drink half a gallon of vodka a day and I don't weigh much.
I've nearly lost everything. Our home, our cars, my family. Lord, my family is absolutely sick of me and I don't blame them. I've been detoxed against my will 5 times since October. But something has changed in me. I WANT to stop drinking. I NEED to stop drinking. I find that every time I pour myself a drink, I hate myself for doing it.
I became pregnant as a young woman and "missed out" on a lot of things that the typical teenager does. Once my daughter became a young woman herself, I reverted back to my teens and acted very irresponsibly. It wasn't long before I completely lost control.
My poor husband....God bless him. He's picked my sorry a** up off the floor (literally) more times than I can count. He's cleaned me up when I was covered in vodka vomit and wet my pants. He's driven me to the hospital numerous times and come to visit when no one else would. I don't deserve him.
My daughter. God help me. I've hurt her so badly that I'll never forgive myself. I see all the signs that she's following in my footsteps. And it kills me inside. How can I ever earn her forgiveness? How can I help heal her when I'm still trying to heal myself?
I guess I've just always had a hole in myself. I've been self-destructive since birth (my mother told me that I used to bang my head on my crib as a baby). As a teen, I sliced my arms and legs to ribbons. And just a few years ago, I took to injecting my breasts and thighs with bleach. Yes, bleach. (It's sick, I know.)
Truth be told, I really don't want to be alive....I honestly believe it would be best if I were dead. I'll not ever commit suicide because I don't want to hurt my family, but this dreary existence is maddening. Alcohol has helped me deal with that and now I must begin the grieving process since I can't drink anymore.
But onward and upward.....as long as I draw breath I'll keep trying to do better, to feel better. And, most importantly, to do it without alcohol!!!
Thank y'all for reading!
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