Getting started~

[BPleasant]

I like the ideas and posts I have already read here. I thought it was appropriate to post some kind-of introduction and I do hope that after reading the etiquette post that I am not posting where I shouldn't be or repeating someone else's first post.
I can see that the site has a lot to offer and would like to learn how to use the site so that I don't bog down anyone elses ability to use it efficiently, would love to blog or start a journal, an accountability to myself. At this point, to be honest I am unsure if I will be able to find my way back here to add to it later and/or check for responses.
I did not drink yesterday. I hope not to drink today. I can not remember when I started drinking, as in what age, but am guessing around 10. I am now in my late 40s. It's an amazing thing to think for the most part I have not harmed others(but did in reality) or myself (but have continually and consistently). Will I be able to go AF, I haven't a clue. I have had no real MOMENT, have been let off the hook or let myself slide back to and fro and back again so many times that a moment is just not my wake up call. I can't seem to find a method or structure or lifestyle to curb or quit, cure, overcome drinking. It's a huge part of my life and always has been, from birth, before birth ? and on and on...
I want to head out to take my kids to lunch, would love to write more here right now but I can't let alcohol make me late for doing that, and even posting about alcohol would make me feel like it would be doing that. So, my intention at this time is to come back and for lack of a better word, journal here, like many others are doing or have done.
I was wondering- (How many come here with good intentions to help themselves and then forget how to sign back on with their name and password or didn't attach an email so noone can reach out to them because they just never come back. ?? Just pondering.) BBL

[mollyka]

Getting started~

Welcome BP day 2 AF thats a great start and probably the hardest part. I reckon most people find their way back if they really want to so I really hope you do, its a great place here for support and 'talking' to like minded people. Have a lovely lunch with your kids and never let alcohol make you late for ANYTHING again its not worth it
Molly

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

AF a week last month and a week in the summer

Otherwise my pattern is every other day at this point, sometimes a day or two of nothing in there and other times I can actually stop at one or two, but I can feel the difference now, actually feel it. While I may not be doing the shots of days gone by and I rarely drink hard alcohol, I know it's there, I know my best friend is not just my x husband of 25 years but of a substance and almost any substance might do. I am lucky, I have not gone to great depths, hit bottom, I don't even want to know what bottom might possibly be for someone like me! I have spent years examining my life, it's not pretty, it's not that ugly, many have it so much better, many have it so much worse, any more examination just seems like I am heaping more excuses onto on already full head of excuses, now they just don't hang out in my head long, they go out with a loud,... SO WHAT? THAT ALL HAPPENED, THIS IS ALL STILL HAPPENING LIFE HAS BEEN REALLY SHITTY and Life has been really great and I STILL OVER INDULGE.
There have been points in my life I have consumed alcohol daily and not felt nearly as bad about myself as I do now. I feel like if I let this continue now, I will find out the prophecy is true, that there really is no return, that there is a bottom so unimaginable that I will instantly stick myself in a hospital and ask to be saved.
How many times can someone go back and say childhood sucked, life has been unfair, I drink because... blah, blah, blah. I drink because it's what I do, it's what I know. I don't want to let myself off the hook, I don't like easy praise, I don't often give praise but have been learning how to, even if it's just with a smile at times.
My struggle not to drink will be the 3rd day. But, I already know, I need to get rid of what's in the house and get rid of the thought of having to have a wonderful meal it has to have wonderful wine. I have been able to have a glass and stop but that's not a pat myself on the shoulder bit, I am able to be all kinds of a drinker, hey, when I am feeling the after effects of drinking, I can go out and not drink at all, the hair of the dog has always scared me.
I wanted to buy some kudzu today, I will have to get it tomorrow. I also want to come up with a schedule, a plan and thank you all, I have a support system/ group.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Okay, no plan yet, and no schedule and no day 3. I decided to throw out the wine. I went to get it and forgot what I went to do and then by the time I went to the garage had talked myself out of throwing it out! LOL What's with that? So, I am now getting up to go finish the throw out job. BRB.... Okay, threw it out. Not that there was much left but still.
I have read through many posts, mostly on the tell your story. Makes me want to check up on people, find out how they are doing and if they are okay. I was planning to get away for a few weeks, get myself out of the safe environment that allows me to drink and get out there... roadtrip the cravings away but finances won't allow that right now. So, I will have to tough it out and figure out how to live real life without drinking. Tomorrow night will be a tough one. ugh! I want it to be easier than it is. I want to just not have an addiction.

[fluff]

Getting started~

So, BP start day 1 again- don't give up. Throwing out the wine is a great start-it shows you are determined. Make your focus-one day at a time-Seriously, this mindset has worked for me. Today is the end of a full week for me and i don't have any cravings. If I do-I'll jump on here and read through the site. So many people have said making a plan is the best thing and it is-so work out a plan-diversion-for when you want to drink.
Luv, Fluff

[beauty91254]

Getting started~

BPleasant yes I have the same questions

I just started posting today also. How do we go back in and read our responses. How can we specify if we are responding to one post? How do we stay in touch with these wonderful folks who are reaching out to us??? Tell me, I am new to this but it has helped me tremendously in just one day. Thanks to all. It is so good to have folks in the same place I am. It is wonderful. I don't feel alone anymore. :new::thanks:

[beauty91254]

Getting started~

Also someone please tell me what AF is????? Thanks!!

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

AF is alcohol free. That one I figured out. Maybe there is a library of terms. Hi Beauty! I believe if you click on your own name you can track your own posts by the find all the posts by this member. Then you can track and check responses, also I am just learning to use the chat feature. I haven't seem that many people on it but it's there.

[mollyka]

Getting started~

BP I'm here nearly a year and haven't mastered chat so well done! Welcome Beauty there are so many people here to help us,its a wonderful place, keep coming back
Talk tomorrow!

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

February AF

Sure that's a goal, is it my goal? That scares me to even say, scares me to think about failing more than not. I don't want to fail and still don't want to believe alcohol really does have all the power in my life. It's my life and I am not sure I have ever lived without some sort of outside chemical interfering with it. I think I started drinking somewhere around ten, I don't know though. I also think it may have been younger 6-7 maybe and then pot off and on since 10 and some coke before coke wasn't coke anymore... a little speed along the way, cigs at 9 or 10 and that lasted until I was 23. Now, it's just wine, red wine. So seductive. I had quite the glass collection, still do but not nearly like I did a few years back.
I have a very helpful, enabling significant other also. I have used that to the best and to my fullest ability. I have made my enabler better at enabling. I can lay on the guilt and deflect any attention so well, it's sick. It's so unfair, it's just not good.
Tomorrow, I will get up and shower right away, make coffee, see the kids off, go pick up the book and supplements. I will go to my club and do my 6 work out, six miles of anything or any combination of, then 6 laps 6 times and 6 minutes in and out of the saunas, then I will come home and have a healthy lunch and make more 'plans' and repeat over and over in my head "I don't Drink". At 3, I will walk a 3 1/2 mile loop to get rid of the cravings that will hit at about 3. I am mad that I purposely started drinking earlier... I knew exactly what I was doing, I did it anyhow, I paid attention to the cravings and did it anyhow, I knew I was making the cravings happen earlier. KNEW IT. I was not even fooling myself. If after the walk and getting my last off the bus I still have cravings, I will come here MWO and journal check chat and then I will shower and cry. I can mourn and not feel like it is a bad thing. I can cry and say good bye to the longest, oldest friend I have had. 37 ish years...
I just recently ended an addictive person relationship too. I am now not addicted to that person anymore, have mourned that relationship and know that his issues would never add to my life in a beneficial way. Having that out of my life was tough at first, now after just two weeks I see that he has addictions and I don't need to even consider having to worry about that. I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone else at this time. At this time, I need to truly concentrate on me. I have been on this journey long enough, it's time to find a journey that makes me proud of myself.
It is funny that thinking so hard about this made me want to drink even when normally I wouldn't. I DON"T DRINK. What do I do? For now, I journal, next month I start school, for now, I don't drink. I don't drink. I sip tea and lean on MWO for support even if it's just journaling at times. I will kudzu and L Glut and sip tea tomorrow. I will walk, talk, and learn to live through the cravings.
Why don't I drink? Yeah, okay, I don't drink because...
It takes loads of time away from my family. It wastes money, not much now because I cut that down, way, way down by not being the wine snob I was and learned that I can get 5 bottles of wine in a box... so what used to cost me $60 or more costs me $15. I am now a cheap drunk, but my health is more important than saving money. I don't drink. Cheap wine or not. Yes, getting wine in a box also increased or took me to the next level. next... I knew what I was doing. I don't drink because I don't want to hate myself anymore, I don't want to embarrass my kids anymore, I don't want to clean up the wine spills anymore, and don't want to feel off the next day. I want better for my kids, I want better for me, I want to know something other than the wine seduction.
I have kicked addiction to pot, to cigs, to people, to beer...I can do this.
I don't drink. I don't drink. I don't drink.

[fluff]

Getting started~

BP- That's a terrific journal entry- you need to keep looking back on that entry when you start to crave and cave in- it's all the reasons not to drink. The first few days might be tough-but you sound like a tough person-driven-just by the exercise routine you have given yourself. I started to do the same thing-my 5 p.m. drink slowly became a 4 pm drink-and suddenly I didn't want to make dinner, just wanted to sit on the couch and drink. it's disgusting how drinking just saps the soul out of us. Drinking is such a selfish thing- it's all about putting that stuff in your body and your kids and family and everything else takes second place. Is putting that poison in you to ruin your body and mind-and then your family more important? I think you are on the right track with what I am reading -be positive and you CAN do it. You can't think of it right now as " the rest of my life" that's why thinking of it as one day at a time is helpful- it's not so daunting, then.
Luv, Fluff

[beauty91254]

Getting started~

BP: Thanks for the information. Yes when I click my own name, there they are!! You are the best! Thanks for AF also. I did figure out AL but AF was harder!! Ha Ha Ha.
Good luck to you. I go to the doc this afternoon so we will see what he says. I am scared but need to face this head on and heal myself. Have a great sober day!!! :thanks::l

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Fluff and Beauty... thanks.

My coffee is so-s0 but reading responses and posts was a good! Long night, road trip, didn't get in til almost 2 but I plan to stick to my plan as closely as possibly.
Kids out the door, then off for errands and exercise and brainwashing mantras through-out the day.
I will count yesterday as AF but it was still in my system so day is AF 2 and I know the first week is the tough one. It's one week. One day at a time. Say no to one drink, say yes to knowing I will have more ability to get productive and get more done. I keep thinking of pot as a back up! LOL FUNNY! I don't know where to find pot, but it's now legal as medical use. So, it pops in my head. Xanax did also but only for a few times and not for long and that doesn't give a buzz anyhow. I want to be buzz free for atleast 3 months. Yes, another goal. After 3 months I can re-evaluate.
A few sips of wine and I have a buzz, 3-4 and it's all awash in the it's just about time to fall into bed. Fall, crawl, whatever.

Beauty "I did figure out AL but AF was harder!! Ha Ha Ha." AF is harder, that's why we are all here!! hahaha!!! It is so strange when you think deeply about it, taking a drink is EASIER (for us) than not taking a drink. WOW, should be the other way around. That's just what I was thinking, with head aches(I don't get them often but) and mess and money and time to get it and time spent trying to regroup, refocus, clear our heads... it's a lot of work to keep drinking.
Fluff, I would often make ahead meals so that my days didn't have to be affected that often by not being able to focus enough to make dinner or just not care if I ate. My family scape has changed so much and I have changed so much that it isn't often we all sit and eat the same thing anyhow. But, maybe I will set a goal of a real family dinner 3 times a week.

Heading to the health food store and book store, club, dealership... you know regular stuff that I am actually going to do more often. MORNING ALL!!!

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Did go to put the car in the shop, it's still there. I went to the club to work out, did 9 instead of 6 miles, 7 on the bike and 2 on the skating machine... then I went into the saunas and the pool. Didn't really do laps but I felt good anyhow. I thought about wine most of the day, thought that I would have a hard time tonight, BUT, I went to buy groceries and my card wouldn't work. Now, I have to find out what might be wrong with my account, however, that's a craving reliever, there is no way I can buy the wine! That made it easier, probably too easy. So, NOW I am worried about tomorrow and telling myself I should hop on to the moderation thread. Yep, I can moderate instead. "I DON"T DRINK" Why don't I drink? Why? Because I get mad at myself when I do, get ashamed and feel like shit about it. I have spent too many years not thinking it consciously thru but figure out things on my own that I have a booze brain and a me brain, and the booze brain has reigned supreme many, many more times, than I wanted it to. Tame the booze brain. Kill the booze brain. Retrain the booze brain, refrain, refrain, refrain.
Tomorrow will be hard, I had planned to go to happy hour, yep. I planned that a few days back to go AF and then to happy hour Wednesday as a reward. Now, if I were moderating that would work. Hmmmm.... I could stay on this tug or war for a long time. Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes... what was the question? Oh, good that's over for now.
My plans to get the herbs are going slowly, getting the book going slowly too. What's my plan again? Oh, not to drink today, ODAT. What about tomorrow, can I go to happy hour? It's not just for the lovely glass of the featured wine of the week, it's for the fabulous and not so expensive fabulous food, kid free time, nice environment and I usually only have one or two while I am out to happy hour... it's the return to HOME that then I keep going and going... yep. Hmmm... I used to go out so often, love the being spoiled part, sure, my life fell apart, lost jobs, lost our home, don't even recognize my life much of the time, but I could still go out once in a while and enjoy something I used to know. Oh, yes, I could give myself SO MANY MORE reasons to drink now then say just 3 ish years ago, Or 7 ish years ago, or well, things are getting better again, so maybe those aren't good excuses anymore. Damn, do I need more excuses? I would so pour a wine if I had some. Oh, I have what I threw in the trash but wow, that would just be a tease and it's already 8 o'clock, I wouldn't be able to really appreciate a buzz now even if I could get a buzz. Maybe, tomorrow. I feel like I have had too much coffee right now, why?
Okay, tonight is a wrap. What will tomorrow bring? I need a plan in place. Maybe if I had told my significant other I was going AF tomorrows happy hour would not be so easy to pull off. (I rarely if ever drive after even just one glass of wine so I don't go out and do happy hours by myself so my significant other would be going with me) I have been telling him that I want to show him the place, and the prices are really great for happy hour. PLAN, I need a plan.
Tomorrow, I will pick up my car, go work out, think about happy hour, think think think think think. Oh, back to the plan, pick up my car, go work out, take more L-Glut, get MyWayOut book and read some. Yep. I am not going to get happy hour out of my head right now. Maybe I will get my thoughts away from it tomorrow.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

I sleep pretty good no matter what... I don't wake as often for a drink of water when I don't drink, I appreciate the softness of the sheets more when I don't drink, I listen to my youngest breath more when I don't drink. I wake up to noises a little bit more when I don't drink.
I need to find a chart of some kind of levels of vitamins and herbs to take. Today, I will take 3000mg L-Glut.. then a mix of vitamins some I take daily some I vary and do every other day.
I thought about going to happy hour a few times this morning, even brought it up to SO and heard a change in my voice, yep, I could hear my expectations and want. We are tight for the next two weeks so it seems frivolous to consider. My brain instantly races to ways of justifying it. Earlier, I thought, I can go to happy hour just have two and then only buy one bottle of wine so that I can't drink more than that. BUT how can I justify buying one bottle when a box is cheaper than many bottles I would buy? So, I had talked myself right into the box and the thought of being all set for the week simultaneously made me feel ill and relaxed. Yes, it kind-of made my stomach turn. It wouldn't be the first time my body has actually had a physical adverse reaction to thinking about wine but that goes away fairly quickly. I can't decide if it's a emotional thing making the physical reaction or if it's actually a physical reaction that needs to be thought about. Either way, if I have to think that deeply it's probably a pretty good sign that I have a tummy issue. I don't have gerd, or heart burn or any of that tho... I understand the progression of even just the thoughts now, I want to go to happy hour which now has a box of wine attached to the back end of it. It is more than just the nice apps and cheaper great food. Will I go? Possibly.
It's the first time in over two years I am sitting next to a bulk of mail to go through. I haven't done that in a long, long time. I haven't had the mental capacity to do so. It's not alcohol related, just life putting me into a state that doesn't allow me to think beyond a certain level, but now I am feeling ready again because life is calming down again and I am feeling safer. Now, it could be an alcohol issue if I were feeling off or hung over, that would be a reason I couldn't quite concentrate enough but that's not it in this case. So, here I am looking at bills and thinking of happy hour and wine.
I went four months without alcohol a while back. I didn't do it for any reason other than wanting to feel good about me. I realized my anger level had shot way up, my husband could do nothing right, I was on edge all the time, and I was beating myself up for not being able to get myself to feel great and loving towards him. He was having an affair. Yep. I hate liars, hate that people use people and make people their puppets. Made my attempt truly all out of whack, not knowing my own reality sucked. That was a while ago and I am past that trauma also now but it pops into my head from time to time. I know now that I can not let outside stimuli or forces hamper anything or become an excuse for me. DAMN those great restaurants with discounts and nice glasses and fab food.
Yesterday, My SO said I was doing so well and he wanted to know what happened to me on Friday. Well, what happened? Oh, like there was something different happening? I just don't even understand the question. Is he that blind? Can he not understand at all? There doesn't have to be anything particular. Although, I will throw this out there maybe post it in general also just to get some feed back; with a full moon and my menstrual cycle following the full moon, I do seem to over indulge more so at that time. Anyone else? Believe Friday/Saturday was the biggest moon of the year.
Oh, I am not even thinking about picking up my car or going to work out. What happened to that? It's overcast and I have set out all the mail, that may have side tracked me. But, I have all day, and longer if I don't go to happy hour.
I am going to go read a few members posts, hope everyone is doing okay. I know that reading here has taken me to some places I am not comfortable but that may be 'good' for me. Oh, And I have thought 'that could be me' instead of thinking "wow, I am not that bad" so that's a change already.