Getting started~

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Magically bewildering!

I am going to think about something other than myself for a portion of today.

[Gumdrops]

Getting started~

Good for you! You can do this!!!

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Yeah, ugh though two friends with cancer that has now shown up somewhere else in their bodies... after being in remission. Sucks!! It's enough to drive one to drink. But I won't. I am pissed enough to remain sober for a while. Pissed at men, f8ck them all anyhow, pissed at myself for not being able to get on, get past and get out sooner... Oh, but really, most the men in my life are good guys, just not this morning! lol DO YOU THINK I AM GOING THROUGH SOME ALCOHOL WITHDRAWL AND I HATE THEM??? hahaha!!! ?? I don't know but I have a plan for tonight because when I get in these moods, if I don't get_____, I get really mean!!!! hahaha, wow, this lady has ISSUES! Okay, heading out to chat with a friend and breath and sweat and breath and sweat, hopefully get this illness, get some photos taken care of and come back with a lack of need to fill my body and soul with dark red liquid seduction... (my back up plan is to clean drawers out and find some of my clothes that my daughter keeps 'ending' up with... that should take two hours, then what???)

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

I wanted to drink. Talked myself out of it, swore at the LGlut a few times. I did other things for a little bit, had a sit down family dinner... now I am too full to f8cking drink the wine. But I poured a small glass and here it sits. I am going to changed and go watch the same tv show most of the nation is watching, cuz my kids like it and veg out.
I worked out a little today, but I am feeling badly still so not so much.
Tomorrow, I will work out more and go run errands and we shall see what tomorrow brings!
Life is good.
Well, except I could use a different type of man in my life and all the loose ends I have hanging all over the nation could be wrapped up making me much more comfortable. AND I haven't eaten as much as I had for dinner just now in weeks... and OUCH, it feels gross.
So, all in all, life is good.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Breaking the routines, up way too early, but I went to bed much earlier, so it will be nap time in an hour then coffee time an hour after that.
**Actually "thinking" prior to wanting a drink, does help slow things down. Who knew...
I listed a few questions for a friend while out yesterday for her to ask herself, and it was good for me to realize I have been asking myself the questions, it brings about a much more conscious role in my own undoing, habits, and addictions. Why do I want the glass of wine? Am I going to have it so I can get really drunk or do I really just want to sip it and relax? Do I think it's going to make my night fun? Or will it just make me angry that I was so unproductive yet again? Does this benefit me to 'get drunk' right now? Can I wait until it might actually BE FUN to get drunk?
So many changes coming up, yet again... my life has been nothing but perpetual change for quite a few years now, but the limbo stage should be ending soon, the time is drawing near that will allow me to go back, contemplate some of my old goals and figure out if I have new goals. I hate the thought of 'where should I live', I have moved my children, 6 times in 3 1/2 years. This is comfortable for now but $$... ?? Maybe, I won't make that an issue for now, haha! Should probably be the biggest issue. Oh, fun stuff.
Today, I know I won't even want a drink until around happy hour time.(that's not anything different though) My son wants to go to a place with me I have gone a few times before. I don't feel like it will be more than a one and done so not anxious about it at all.
Are the LGlut a placebo? I ate about 4-5 of them at 4 ish yesterday. Maybe, they worked and it wasn't just that the dinner filled me up. I am going to take some when I head out to 'happy hour' and OH the LOVELY MALL. I really don't enjoy shopping unless it's while traveling, but teenage boys grow so fast and this one... well, he is a tall one!
There you have it, a wee hour ramble of, as the train whistle blows in the distance and the house is asleep... the eerily comforting fade of the wheels on the tracks, it's a promise of travels and unknowns...

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

I do not feel guilt at all right now. What's that?

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Sat, Wed, Fri... abstain until Tuesday, go to the Dr on Thursday. I should research the drugs.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

I have never consciously thought about the feelings I get while craving wine like I have over the past 3 weeks or so. My body does physically react to the need or want of wine.
I am sitting in my private spot contemplating having a glass of wine. Extended family is coming over, that's not often that that happens, but family is dispersed all over so it can't happen often anyhow.
I mentioned getting wine for dinner. I was asked if the wine that got hidden was still hidden. Where does this person brain reside, can he not have seen that I drank Saturday Wed and Friday???????? I know, in the scheme of things, it only matters what I do and think. I said not to buy a box though, that's just asking for more past out nights and self hatred. A bottle did not get to the house either though, so what's let in the box can be mine. That's actually what I think. I can keep it up here with me, not bring it down to share. I don't think I have ever thought like that before, probably have always had enough or too much.
I will print the book later, or down load it and print a portion of it at a time. Have kudzu and LGlut at the ready. Have not been consistent with a plan or my feelings towards the drugs. I did notice my hangover was worse after not drinking for a few days and then drinking.
Conscious thought.

I know that on the evenings I only have one or two, and drink slow, the buzz from two is pretty darn strong. I wondered, is this what 'normal' people feel? I have developed a way of not feeling the second, third or fourth. I just get to a point of intoxication and either I expend energy or fall asleep. (nicer term than)
I have now taken one sip of wine. I did feel it immediately, I felt it before I took it. I left the house cleaning and dinner up to others. What am I doing?
I wonder.
I should shower and get involved in the evening.
Goal for next week up and showered and dressed everyday by 6. It's been gloomy here for 4-5 days in a row, it's taken it's toll.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Wow have I really only been on this site for 21 days? REALLY? It's feels like so much longer.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

This week, I went right back to my every other night drinking bit. Okay, so off and running.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Printed out the book, have kudzu and lglut... tomorrow I will be out of the house from 4ish till 7 ish... loggin here and chill. Try to figure out how not to drink. New goal. ONE WEEK.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Doing pretty good!

Happy healthy Wednesday coming up.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live.
Anais Nin

Sun is shinning~ Good day to get out there and enjoy.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Good couple of days, better month than I have had in a long time. I am enjoying much of the learning and retraining.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Good Night ~ Happy Thursday to all. Fun stuff at the Drs tomorrow.