Getting started~

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

I know way back when that I was shocked to see cases of wine come to the door. The answer to that was "I want to start a wine cellar". Okay, adultery and your wine drinking scorned wife had nothing to do with the out of the blue sending wine to the house? Cases of wine to a house that you know has a wife that has been drinking since you meet and you know is not in the shape to resist? Did he do that consciously? Do I believe he didn't THINK I would drink it? Oh, I am not so sure about that.
Anyhow, I haven't thought too much about that until the past two days or so NOW. I knew I wanted to go to happy hour, I know I have been thinking about my past more and more and wondering how things have come to be and why. AND maybe no matter how things came about I would still be where I am or worse. I can't say where I am is so bad, I have been in worse places, I am just ready to take this somewhere instead of letting it continue to places unknown (are known from reading here and living in hell as a kid) where I have yet to venture.
I mentioned happy hour and was told, in two weeks we can afford it. Yeah, in two weeks he will be in another state and I will be single mom again. I thought that through and felt the guilt of wanting to so something nice for me, something fun for me, SOMETHING that I don't really NEED that involves alcohol and I posted here, posted on a 'weight' loss thread and thought a little more, then tried my thought, and sure enough, I have secured a trip to happy hour, tight on money or not, all I had to do was mention an $8 potroast served in a nice crock pot and he was all for it. ALL FOR IT. Now, do I believe he is dumb enough to NOT know what I just did to him? No, I don't believe it. I think he knows I just used his food addiction to secure my happy, happy hour. As I walked away, he said, 'You will have to drive, I am a light weight.' HAHAHA!! I never drive, atleast not back because even after one full glass I get afraid of driving. The light weight he is, 3 times my weight approximately, he must know what I did to even say something like that.
I am now stimulated. I can feel the wine a little even though there isn't any. My body has sped up, my senses are heightened and I am going to take a second dose of L-Glut right now.
Back. Took another 1000.
I know I have all the trump cards I could possibly ever need. Time for a frank talk and more awareness to those life/booze/unhealthy behavior enablers.
I feel pretty good. I am going to shower, late!, and exercise a little, contemplate happy hour, contemplate going to pick up the second vehicle that's sitting at the shop, probably tomorrow morning on the way to the club. Save gas. Have dinners set off for the kids and am feeling blah... the heightened senses are faded.
I need to make a complete physical, get my thyroid checked etc...
Well, this is day 3 AF. FUN STUFF!!!

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Did not go to happy hour, but happy hour came to me. It's time to bring this out in the open. I live in a house with my family they see me drinking, I think it is important they also know I am trying to stop. It's got to be healthier to talk openly than to hide that I am fighting an addiction than it is to just say nothing and allow the drinking to continue. It's not a big white elephant in the room, it's me, mom and 'wife' trying to get healthier. It's scary in so many ways to stop, so I am not going to beat myself up for last night, I broke a part of my habit- I usually drink everyother day I went two days. I talked to my SO about this and will make the new box of wine last two weeks then go AF. That is dbl what it normally lasts and that would be so great. Oh, I did get a headache this time. Ouch. I usually feel a little off but this hurt my head. I woke in the middle of the night to take IBprofen, and now I want fried chicken and grease.
Okay, here is the thing. I am not unfit, I am not lazy or 'unhealthy' but damn I do have an addiction to alcohol and it's now really got to mean something.
I don't know if others have this issue, sex and alcohol. I so much prefer sober sex but sex does happen more often or start more often when I decide to get looped. I dance around, I get silly and flirt, I can even demand sex. I didn't do this in my last relationship, but I do it in my long term relationship. While talking about my goal of making the box of wine last dbl this morning with my partner he asked if we would have sex if I was not drinking. I was not surprised really, it's got to be important to him that we continue to have sex and we did not have sex the two days I didn't drink. He is a big guy and he knows that I am not attracted to him, but I have always had sex with him regardless and I love him deeply. Sex is awkward at his size though and kissing while having sex is all but impossible so it's not a deep connection to have sex with him now, it's often lacking. But alcohol and drunk sex doesn't excite me like sober sex does. Although, sex at any time is good. The day after, it's apparent to me now that my estrogen must spike increasing my desire. I wonder if anyone has lost their sex drive with sobriety.
Going to read.

[fluff]

Getting started~

Hi BP- Not touching the sex topic...But-I do want to ask you why not just throw out that box of wine? Isn't it harder to judge how much you're drinking with a box vs a bottle?

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Hi Fluff- I sent the box out of the house. I don't know where he will take it but asked him to take if away. It took me just a few minutes to know I was fooling myself again. I also have been reading, and I don't want to do this anymore. I am right up there with knowing that while I might not be drinking bottles at a time, my body and mind just can't not take it anymore. The kindling article scared me, in many ways I would guess I am in a constant state of mild withdrawl and then backed to being buzzed. I had a more frank talk with my partner told him the first 3 days will be tough. I don't really understand how he doesn't think this is a big problem. But, I don't have to understand his thoughts, I need to work on myself.
About knowing how much I drink, it seems to be about the same amount and a box would usually last a week. I am done though. I hate that I even went to boxes. It's like there is a more addictive property in the box. I don't know what is different this morning from other mornings but wow, I am hungover! I said I wouldn't beat myself up but I am doing it. I can't wait for tomorrow so I feel better. I know today is a wasted day and I hate myself for it.
I have openly said I am an alcoholic in the past 4 days, I have never really said it before. I have also felt good that I was not physically addicted to alcohol but now I know I am. My emotional addiction is also a physical addiction.

[hiddengoal]

Getting started~

I like that, "Roadtrip the cravings away".

HG

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Yes, well, you can't drive drunk right? Well, some people can, I can't.
Oh, joys, of joys, tomorrow is going to be here and I will feel so much better and can start the work of fighting cravings and counting days.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

I am not a pessimist. I have a generally good outlook on life and give those around me more than the benefit of the doubt. I may actually have an issue there because I am realizing that people can be dry drunks, or even still be addicts but just not doing the amounts they used to. I am not judging them, I think it's something to be praised if they were once a non-functioning addict and have found a way to be highly functioning although by some standard still addicted. If they can pull that off, it's impressive and well, surely a huge improvement. What I would like though, from them is the ability to articulate that and be aware of it and not condemn those like me that have not gotten there or learned to abstain yet. It is just like others have voiced here, you get applauded for ending a cigarette habit and looked at with either pity or loathing for ending or being in the process of ending a drinking habit.
My anxiety level dropped significantly yesterday and I awoke with none this morning. I am having a cup of coffee though so that could heighten it. ha! I have an resigned feeling of going AF, it isn't like an OMG can I do that feeling, it isn't scary now. I can't really come up with why it was scary last week. Maybe the little tapering off did help, maybe the L-Glut is helping, maybe the increase C and D3 is helping, maybe the talks I had with my kids and SO has helped. I did feel good about the talks, it's so much better than keeping a secret about a very real addiction that's affected them not just me. I am the parent and should talk to my kids about drugs, alcohol, sex, healthy choices and on and on. Just because it's my trying to quit shouldn't make me keep it a secret. It's not like I have made them any promise ever to quit, so this is new for them. I have started thinking about a list of things to talk about with them too. Not just that there is an addiction, not just that both their grandfathers are alcoholics, I covered that, but I want to go into the self esteem issues it creates, the lack of wanting to do more in life and how it can become a way of life far too quickly. It was nice to say to my son, I want to talk with you and I would appreciate you not making any snide comments or making any exaggerated faces and also give me feedback. He did it. Yippeee! My daughter, 18, I asked her how many times she has drank, how many times she has smoked pot. I did NOT ask Have you, which would give her the ease of a one word answer. So, 3-4 times for pot and 6 or so for drinking. That's more than her older siblings but much less than most and far less than for me. I told her that it's a slippery slope, one that she may not recognize she is on until it has some power over her and she needs to be extremely aware and conscious of her genetics and predisposition to becoming an addict. She didn't like that word, but too bad. It was good to talk with them both, one on one, and without distraction. When I hit 30 days I may talk to my oldest two.
Today will be okay. I have the day planned. I will go to the club twice, once this morning and then in the evening as a family. I need to use it atleast three times a week in the evenings from here on out also, it's paid for, it's healthy and it is good for the kids too.
I know I had cut the wine cost down to cheap, but I may still put $15 a week away for however long it is... and use that money for little rewards along this new life path. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT... lol I am afraid to label it for fear it will give me anxiety! haha!
Be back, to journal a bit more in a few.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

Spent the day productively and got in some exercise. Right now, I would like to take a nap. I made it past my 2:30-3:00 ish give me a glass of wine needs. It's 4:30 and I wouldn't mind a glass of wine. I can feel that tingle and want but not so strongly and I am not afraid I will go spend money to replace what was just thrown out yesterday. I am going to head back out this evening and do some slow walking and pamper me stuff. Sipping ice tea and thinking about how it will be so great to even just break the everyother day pattern. Wow, that would be great, that is going to be great. I was thinking back to a time when I knew I drank every 4 days... that guilt was pretty extreme back then, now, flash forward and I am still drinking with a compounded guilt and a heavier pattern. I can't remember if the hangovers were worse back then they haven't been so bad lately, but it was not fun yesterday morning, hmmm, it feels like longer ago than that. Could be the trick of the booze brain... Looking at the weekend as a nice time frame to go without wine. That does not mean I get beer, there is beer in the fridge but I don't care for that anymore, it's too filling and makes me break out. 47 and zits! Not good. I probably have 6 beers in a year. But, I won't do that now either. Those can go to someone on Sunday for superbowl.

It's Friday night all. I hope this finds you feeling determined to be AF. I don't really feel determined but don't have a huge interest in doing it either. That's good. ??
I may have eaten a little more than I normally would on a non-drinking night tonight. Weight gain from not drinking would not thrill me. Nope. I think that would suck. Probably wouldn't kill as many memory cells as binging with wine, so I shouldn't probably think like that. I have a fridge/kitchen fill of healthy options and will have a healthy weekend!! Fruit smoothies and loads of salad.

If I were going to get the shakes and puke etc... what time frame would that happen in? It's frightening to think about, could it take a week, two weeks??
My goal is 30 days but I keep telling myself to get to Monday alcohol free. One time in 7 days, that would be a huge improvement. Wait, I didn't drink Sunday, Monday?, don't think so... Tuesday, no? Wednesday, yes... Thursday and Friday no. Saturday will be one in 7. Maybe, I will just start counting from Thursday. I don't care for the reset counting. hahaha!

I read a post by another member, I need to start paying attention to members names on the posts, but this one made me laugh so hard... She said something like, I lit a fire, doesn't that call for wine, it's snowing out, doesn't that call for wine, I carried firewood, wine? I made dinner, wine? Oh, do I know that mindset!! That is me, all me, all the way me! And yes, even the house cleaning could some how call for wine. Now, while I could pair wine with any meal (maybe not breakfast), and housecleaning and fires, and and and I have never thought to pair it with the VACUUM cleaner!! Dusty wine?? She had me there.
Oh, I promised myself a maple walnut bar tomorrow morning! Yum...

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

I went to the club, worked out a little bit more. It felt good. Sat in the sauna... relaxing and a friend of mine comes in and yells, they are having a party, come on let's go get some wine and sit in the outside hot tub. I told her I didn't want to go in the hot tub, I don't like the chemicals, she said... it's not so bad out there, so ... I wander out to the hottub, pass by the drinks area and just go sit. She came over with two drinks, there is no wine. Yeah, I just don't do hard alcohol, so I sat there for 1/2 an hour and watched her down 3. I go get dressed and she is getting sick. I knew the drinks looked off, curdled, I told her so too. Oh, well, home and glad there isn't wine in the house.

Night All.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

What a BLAH morning. I wanted to go to one of my favorite coffee houses, IT WAS CLOSED!! There must be winter hours. Then tried to go to a place that used to be funky and fun, NOT so much, boring miserable waitress, overcast weather, my kid wasn't having any fun. Yeah, so I am just a miserable b8tch today and feel like crawling back in bed and ignoring the day. I over ate lastnight while being glad there was no wine, I snacked more than I have in a very, very long time, can't remember how long it has been since I sat around eating chips etc... I am generally healthier than that. NO energy, NO sunsihne, NO good news on the days ahead.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

No cravings tonight. It will be great to really get past the cravings of the every other day, forget which day it would be and maybe I already have... so, if my goal is 30 days, I am going to try for 30 days. I am not sure I am the type to moderate, is there a type? I might be brave enough to read on the moderation threads soon, I have been a little weary of peeping in there.
I took a nap today, I rarely can do that, can't remember when I have been able to that. I didn't really want to do that. I was just emotionally zapped and truly had a physical exhaustion today. Made me wonder if the L-Glut can do that or if my coffee from breakfast could bring the caffeine swing so sharp. I didn't feel a caffeine buzz. Oh, musing about absolutely nothing.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

That was actually an easy night not to drink. I did think ahead to Wednesday evening though, I would still like to go to happy hour. That would be a week, not 30 days. I am accountable to myself in this. I have not come out and told everyone I have a 'plan' or that I am curbing my drinking, the one person I did tell will not look at me badly if I go to happy hour on Wednesday. I am only accountable to myself in this.

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

It has started to snow, may snow through Wednesday. Doesn't that call for a few glasses of wine. (Not now, it's a bit too early still.) I can feel the late night tv and see the fire going, and yes, that's a perfect vision to add a nice glass of wine to. I could even convince myself to make mulled wine, healthier with orange and cinnamon. Yum... but not as yum as just a nice wine straight up.
LOOK AWAY FROM THE MARSHMALLOW. (make me!)

[Doggygirl]

Getting started~

:H

STOP STARING AT THE MARSHMALLOW!!!!!

:H

There - does it help to here it like an echo coming back at you????

DG

[BPleasant]

Getting started~

HAHAHA!!! Oh, yes, and it's a good line, it really is. If we constantly let the wine/alcohol/durg thoughts pop into our heads, temptation is bound to be stronger. Seems so simple.
Of course, we are on a addiction site so not thinking about our own makes it impossible. It's good to keep the wine out of the house, and I my house I am the only one that drinks it, so there is no excuse of well, there are others in the house but they don't have a problem.
I have been thinking about other tings this morning, pulled out a Dan Brown book, The Lost Symbol. I will finish the Orchid Thief and begin that today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETWhP_gfdXc&feature=player_embedded#at=46[/video]]YouTube - Alcoholic Humor
Drunk Clips 1 Ouch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xy2Uc4WVF6E&NR=1[/video]]YouTube - Tequila warning