My Journey

[TakeHeart]

This is a journal about my journey where ever it may lead. Deep down I have known I had a problem with alcohol for a long time. I have tried MANY times to get my drinking under control. Time keeps passing away and my drinking has slowly gotten worse. I wish nothing more than to turn back the clock a decade or more and taken the work to not have gotten to this point. I can certainly see how this disease progresses. And; the further into the process, the deeper the denial.

This thread may be a bit of a selfish thread. If it helps someone, I?m thrilled. If anyone takes the time to comment, thank you. But, mostly it gives me a safe anonymous place to reflect.

I really want to document my path. I?m not sure why. I guess I?m hoping to be at a turning point and certainly want to remember what it took to get to get to the other side and remember why I was desperate to leave.

But, I?ve been here before. I don?t know what makes this ?This Time? any different from the many, many before. A tiny bit of a gut feeling that I can do it this time quickly evaporates as the flood of failed ?This Time? declarations come flooding in. But who knows. Maybe. Hopefully. Please God?

So what?s that old saying? I think somebody really smart like Einstein said it. It goes something like??Insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results. Hmmm. I guess I am insane. Okay?..

Had to go to the dictionary for my diagnosis and according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary (OBTW- who is Merriam? And how did he get his name before the legendary Webster?), to be insane is to exhibit serious and debilitating disorders.

Yeah. I see it. I know alcohol is preventing me from living My Best Life, yet I continue to drink it. I KNOW drinking two bottles of wine a day and isolating myself is not MY BEST LIFE. Yet??

So, the opposite of insanity must be doing something different and expecting different results. Done that the past 2 days and so far?.different results. Nothing off the charts, but have had a wonderful past two days.

[Sad Sally]

My Journey

Hi My Journey,

I'm in the same boat as you and would like to take your journey with you.

I've also known for some time that I've had a problem, and it is insanity to keep hurting our bodies when they're clearly giving us the message that they're sick.

It's been since August that I've been working hard at fighting back and I'm glad to report that it's working. I'm getting stronger in mind and body. The real danger for me is believing that I have the upper-hand over alcohol - it has done me in before and I can't let it happen this time. It is just amazing how easy it is to fall back into its trap, forgetting how good it feels to be sober.

This site is the best place for us. I've gotten so much good information, inspiration and reminders not to forget what we're fighting.

[BPleasant]

My Journey

Hi, I am just about in the same situation, if there are degrees of this... I have developed my addiction into an everyother day pattern. AF 4 of 5 days in Feb though, that's the spin I put on it to realize I had started to cut back and now think even more so that the goals that most start with here seems to be 30 days AF and then re-evaluate. Many just keep going from there, and it's so great to read that after 30 days many, many go 60 and then just keep going by choice and with a bit fewer cravings.
Your post isn't selfish. I would guess it it seriously time we all take a longer, harder look at ourselves and become more conscious of our own beings so that we can work on this and possibly live without addiction. Wouldn't that be something, no addiction? If you have been reading you know that there is generally multiple addictions atleast at some point along the line.
[PDF]
Kindling in Alcohol Withdrawal
pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/arh22-1/25-34.pdf
I read this, saw chat about it on other threads. It's a little scary but gives me a little more to think about when I say, I don't want to do this anymore.
Hope you are well today, feel good and check back in.

[Doggygirl]

My Journey

Hi TakeHeart. So what did you do differently the past 2 days? Inquiring minds want to know!! Whatever you did, I'm glad it's going well for you, however you define that.

I can really appreciate your reference to the infamous insanity definition of doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. I "wished away" years of my life stay drunk much of the time with THAT form of insanity!

For me, I have come to see alcoholism broadly as being not logical / insane. It was certainly not logical for me to think I would ever have "just one" when I don't believe I EVER in over 30 years of drinking EVER had "just one" in a 24-hour period. And yet I continually said "just one" only to find myself drunk again, and with progressively worse problems as the years went on.

I think non-alcoholics go a bit nutty trying to understand us. "Well, if drinking causes you problems, why don't you just quit?" That's very logical, but not nearly as easy as it sounds for me.

I think it really helped me when I finally LOOKED at the insanity of my alcoholism squarely in the face, and stopped expecting anything about it to be logical.

Anyway, that's just some ramble bamble from my corner of the nut house! :H I hope your today is just as fabulous as your last couple of days!

DG

[TakeHeart]

My Journey

Hey Everyone,

So...Since my last post the worst (silly me...there are a lot worse things going on in the world) the worst of what could happened, happened. In the big picture of life....very small stuff. In my world...horrifying. Although I think my drinking problem is unnoticed by some. It certainly is noticed by others. Without the very few people I have let into my not so proud place, there are more that believe my cover (and truly I do have a lot to offer, I just could offer more and be better without the AL ball and chain).

Well, I had a small group of people to come over and work on a project. In the past I have written posts and have been timed out before I could post them. So, I decided to write in anther program, then post. Cut To: Friends over working on a different project. People standing behind me to "input" of ideas.

WHAT POPS UP??????? The story of my post. I freak out...not the right crowd for bearing my soul..... And it seems the more I freaked out, the more nothing changed. After a couple of people try to "work on it", I go a little overboard knowing everyone is reading stuff I find truly personal....it did not go well. Wanted everyone to leave. Hindsight, should have handled the situation different. I was panicked. Am still SOOOOO embarrassed not only for my knee jerk reaction, but I didn't want these people to know my struggle.

Can't wait for this journey together. Will be back on in a more giving way, but know that I care even now!

Thought and prayers are with you!

[BPleasant]

My Journey

Wow, a bit scary. That has the be tough for you.
Chin up, others have worse secrets and bigger demons.

[TakeHeart]

My Journey

Thanks all for the comments.....

Yes, BP, I am a good person who truly would never hurt another and saved a worm the other day!

Now, how can I stand on a busy street and get a worm back into the earth in the pouring rain, but let myself die? Hmmmm....

Have a childhood friend who is like a sister. Unfortunately, we suffer from this craziness that I have yet to understand. We've made a pact to not drink until at the very least Easter. I hope we can do this. She's a lot stronger than I am today.

I feel like I'm in a deep hole and get a little bit out, but the earth gives way and sends me spiraling back. I told my friend something has to be different this time. We don't know what, but on day one tomorrow we are going to wake up and look ourselves in the mirror and say, " I love you and you are worth fighting for".

Not a gigantic different approach, but it's what we came up with for day 1. Tomorrow we will figure out what to do the next day.

Blessings to you all.....especially those who suffer from this ....uh....."thing??????"

uh, yeah....I guess most would call it alcoholism....getting there....not quite ready to call "my problem" that just yet, but.......................

Oh, and BTW, my sweetheart bought me a laptop for V-day so I feel like I won't have that problem..still never discussed...again

But, really, I don't think anyone who knows me doesn't suspect at least a tiny problem.

Hey, that's one step out of denial!

[Ishybit]

My Journey

Hi Takeheart,
i have often wondered how many people suspect or know that i have a drinking problem. Do i look hungover or just tired all the time, can I string a decent sentence together while drinking and or hungover, does the wine come out my pores etc...?
I feel like I am very aware of my drinking AS I'm drinking it goes something like this...
"I'll just have a glass while getting dinner ready..and just as soon as i pour it, i am racing to get to the next glass and then a bottle doesn't seem to be THAT much." this is actually going thru my mind as I'm sneaking the next pour. It's almost like I'm out of my body watching myself and this charade. It's ridiculous.
Working on day 2.
I too have a friend who is the only one who I confide in only because she has the same affliction.
ugh.

[TakeHeart]

My Journey

Day 2 almost over. Yesterday I was beyond depressed. I felt like I was going to explode in a bawling fit, but just couldn't seem to break through. Worked out and did make a slight difference.

Today is better. Still sad, but not SO, SO low, like yesterday. Feeling better makes AL cross my mind, in a not so good way...like hmmm, a glass of wine would be nice. WHAT? I haven't even finished 2 days yet! BUT...I will

It's nice to be here with all of you. Sometimes I think I'm the only one whose been sneaking drinks....wonder just how sneaky I've actually been. I can so relate to all of your comments and stories.

Read old journal entries from YEARS back with the same declaration over and over. The only thing that seemed to change is the increased amount and frequency of my drinking.

I AM going to go AF until Easter. Both my girlfriend and I could commit to that. Forever just seems to much to wrap my head around for the moment, but we'll see. I also have been really surprised at how quickly I slip back into bad habits. However, last year my longest stretch was 3 weeks. I didn't get back into my 1-2 bottles of wine a night habit right away, but certainly it was quicker than I would have thought.

I'm looking forward to getting my life back on track. I just started working out again.

The thing I'm having the biggest problem with right now is the regret of all the time and opportunities that have passed me by while I drowned myself in a bottle. I feel the tears coming up again, but can't seem to get them out of my eyes.

[TakeHeart]

My Journey

Okay, just got the tears out.

I was watching Celebrity Rehab and Mindy McCreedy (I hope I got that right) sang a song she wrote in jail.

It talked about how loved ones want to help, but only we can help ourselves.

The thing that really got me was the line that went something like, "I'm still here, right where you left me" while they showed old pictures on screen. Made me cry because I got a picture in my mind of when I was much younger and really happy....before alcohol controlled my life. Made me think of that girl who I used to be. Hopefully she is still there....right where I left her....

I pray I can find her....

Hope to find a copy of that song. Will look on itunes.

[frogger]

My Journey

you read my mind and said it for me

[TakeHeart]

My Journey

WOW! Since February...huh?

I can't believe it's been since Feb. since I've posted here.

BIG SCARY NEWS....well, perhaps only in my mind.

I just ordered my first prescrip for Balc. I didn't do so before because of money...however it wasn't as much as I thought and I have spent WAY more on AL, which I always found money for...somehow.

I have so much anxiety and just feel like crying right now.

I think because being AF is a dream and thanks to this site, I have strung together more AF days in the past year or so than in the previous decade (almost nil), but a day here or there doesn't make AL not a problem in my life.

I think my issue I'm dealing with right now is the same one that has kept me writing the same screenplay over and over for the last SEVEN years. Yes, like my relationship with AL, it has gotten better. And now, I am within pages of what will be my last re-write. But, I have prolonged finishing rewriting the last 20 pages.

And, I think the two are related. As long as something is a "someday", I can't fail.

And, I want both things so badly. Well, the bac won't arrive for a week or so and I won't finish my rewrite for a week or so....After that...I'm scared.

I've had many disappointments in my life in the last few years, I find it hard to find hope.

Worst case scenario, I will still be an alkie and be told my writing sucks and then where do I go? Best case, they both will work out...but that almost seems like it would be too good...too much a dream.

I am just so scared right now and am now actually crying......

[TakeHeart]

My Journey

Bac should be here any day.

It seems like such a miracle. I've read I think pretty much all the posts on the Bac thread and do realize that I am going to need willpower as well. I think I can muster up the willpower. Thanks to this site, I have done some small AF stints on pure willpower, but whiteknuckling it the entire time.

It's the cravings that I just can't seem to get under control. I KNOW I am drinking at inappropriate times and even when "appropriate", I drink so much that I cross into the un-appropriate category again.

However, while I know I shouldn't be drinking, I still do. The rational side of me says "you know you shouldn't be doing this, so stop it!" But, it's almost like that very rational thought gets intercepted along the way where it is almost like I don't have a choice. Then I go into crazy thinking, telling myself that there is a choice there and it is me...AND ONLY ME...that was in control of the choice.

My main priority in life right now is drinking (no kids, so I would hope they would be if I had them, but can't say. In a perfect world....) And once I get that buzz on it's like okay, what next? Many times I want to take a nap. Wake up, no buzz...well let's get that taken care of then I'll deal with what's next. Buzzed again, hmmm...what to do...can't drive b/c I've been drinking therefore no getting together with friends or running errands. Can't (or shouldn't) make any calls because I might sound buzzed. Not a lot of fun or productive options.

I am a bit skeptical that anything will be able to intercept my thoughts vs my actions, but want so bad for life to change. Others success stories are inspiring, but I think they probably aren't as messed up in the head as I am.

"Please Mr. Postman, look and see. Is there a package of bac for me? Mr. Post--oh-oh-oh-oh-ohstman" Can't get that old song out of my mind! LOL

But, I do realize this isn't going to solve everything. And truthfully, I have little thoughts that go through my head that say" do you really want to get sober and have to deal with the mess you've made of your life?"

I figure I got 3 options. I'm going for door #1 right now which is the "Let's get life back" option.

[TakeHeart]

My Journey

I have been taking Baclofen for 3 months now. I started at 30 mg per day and am up to 175 mg.

In reading about it here for a long time, I couldn?t believe everyone wasn?t jumping on the bandwagon. It sounded so good.

I can see now that it is not without it?s issues. For me, the main problem is that it makes me SO tired. I have never done well with Vicodin because of the same problem. I have a dear friend whose problem isn?t so much alcohol, but Vicodin. I could never understand it because to me it would be like being addicted to sleeping pills.

On Bac, I can hardly keep my eyes open. I have had to go into the restroom at work to shut my eyes for a few moments when I simply felt I couldn?t hold them open. Constantly feeling this tired sucks. I have tried so many other things for years and know how when I have tried to quit in the past, I feel like a schizophrenic, with the one voice saying, ?Don?t drink. X, Y, and Z?? competing with the other voice saying, ?Ahh, go ahead, just drink. X, Y, and Z? With the drinking voice always winning, much to the disappointment and angst of my being.

This is why I truly believe that alcoholism has something to do physiology. Trust me. There is NO ONE more than myself, that thinks I drink way too much and that my life would improve if I would either stop or, ideally ☺ (yeah, I know), drink socially a few glasses of wine per week. Yet, with all my wanting to stop drinking the way I do, I can?t stop?and I hate myself for it.

I have cut down on my drinking since starting bac a few months ago. However, much of this is due to the fact that I have gotten another full time job (very low paying) while trying to get my higher paying commission job back on track. In addition to finishing a creative endeavor that is not only a labor of love, but has the potential to pay off financially as well. So basically, I am working three jobs, therefore not a lot of time. Also, since Bac gets me so incredibly tired, I fall asleep before I can drink as much as I used to.

The cravings are still there. Not always as strong, but sometimes just as strong. I am going through what I hope will be the most difficult time of my life. There is not one area of my life that I feel is going even okay. Faith, financial, business, family, relationship w/ significant other, weight, friends, fun times?I would give each of these categories a one out of ten. I think about suicide all the time.

The only thing that keeps me hanging on is that I am getting ready to put my creative project of love out to the world and I want to stick around to see how it is received. And, I just got a great new marketing idea for the commission only based business that I have made a good living at before the recession and my drinking destroyed it. And?I cringe at the legacy I would leave to my nieces and nephews. The loser Aunt finally killed herself.

So I have been drinking still pretty heavily while titrating up. Probably 2 glasses to one bottle a day on average, with an occasional 2 bottle day (my old daily amount) thrown in.

I am trying not to lose hope. I do wonder if I will ever feel the switch. I want nothing more than to escape my problems still. I don?t know if I will ever feel that illustrious switch. Maybe I?ve drunk too much and am too far-gone. Maybe I have too many other stresses going on. Maybe it doesn?t work for everyone and I am one of the few it won?t work on.

Jury is still out. Just wanted to post an update. Many people have certainly gotten sober without Bac and I highly encourage trying this route. After having failed that option time and time again, I feel that I have to stick to this way out for now. I feel like I have to give this method 100% which is to go up??300???????????? Tough as that seems right now.

[NoraC]

My Journey

Just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you. :l Hang in there! You will find something that works for you even if it's not the Bac. :h:h