I had a really interesting week. This last week was my week with the children. My first full week as equal carer after months of battling for this right with their father. My daughter said to me that she was worried about the amount of junk food she had been eating while with her father and grandparents, and asked me if she could NOT eat junk food while she stayed with me ? would I help her? I thought this might be a great time for me to step up and take some responsibility for myself. If she stayed off junk food, I?d stay off the wine. Deal done. Over the seven day period they were with me, I had two glasses of wine before we came to our arrangement and half a very small glass ? a mouthful, and that was it. And i didn't miss it. That surprised me.
I?m a binge drinker ? an alcoholic - I have never admitted this before. My dad was an alcoholic too, and I have grown up in a culture where your worth is measured in how much booze you can consume in a session. I lack self-control. For example, I can very rarely stop after the second glass ? heck, if I?ve started I might as well keep going. Supermarket shopping presents a shocking temptation too irresistible to refuse. Filling up my shopping trolley with legitimate groceries, then to walk down the wine and beer aisle, and hey, why not throw in a cheap bottle of red to go with my dinner? It?s only an extra few of dollars. The problem is that I find I shop every day for any reason to be able to buy a bottle of red wine that readily gets consumed in an evening. This has been my pattern. I have needed to relieve my boredom and feeling of utter uselessness and total frustration. I?m living in a city I don?t like, working in a job that doesn?t really interest me, working only because I have big loans and bills that need paying, living very, very far from my family and friends, and having to continually fight against someone who I thought I once loved but who now enjoys turning the screws at every opportunity.
BUT, then a ray of light at the end of the tunnel. I have finally won back my right as an equal parent of my children. My purpose is back. The reason why I moved back to this miserable city has come to pass. And at the same time I have been battling with my thought processes about my drinking. I don?t hide bottles around the house to take a sneaky drink when I think no-one?s looking. I don?t wake up in the morning craving that first drink, heck, I don?t really drink spirits at all any more. I can go a full week without drinking anything. Do I really have a problem??
I really do have a problem and I?ve had it all my life. I?ve drunk so much on many occasions that I?ve had black outs. No idea how I got from A to B. I have driven drunk, but thankfully, I no longer tempt fate by doing this. I know I have been raped while I have been so pissed that I couldn?t even stand straight. I?ve never told a living soul this before now ? I was so stupid to put myself in that position that I take full responsibility for my actions. I?ve made many, many incredibly stupid choices while I have been so drunk ? I just don?t seem to learn.
Then last night, after my drinkless week, I met my cousins at the pub for a catch up and a drink. When I got there, my cousin surprised me by ordering a light alcohol beer. He?s a year older than me (I?m 40) and we got talking. He said he just reached a point where he decided that at his age he needed to stop drinking, and he?d also discovered that the low alcohol beer really didn?t taste that bad these days. I ordered a half pint of beer instead of my normal full pint and I took my time to sip the beer as we chatted and waited for his sister to arrive. Once she got there, then we had a couple more beers, but I came back from a pit stop to find a full pint staring back at me ? apparently the bar had run out of small glasses. Then, after that was consumed my cousin said he had to go and I just should have taken his cue and left as well. But hey, his sister and her partner had only really just arrived, and it wouldn?t hurt to stay and have just another drink. But by that time I was all beered out and switched to ? you got it, red wine. The first one went down easily, the second ? well, I ended up wearing that!
My cousin had been having a few drinks ? I noticed both she and her partner were drinking a lot faster than me and had easily caught me up. Then another very drunk young woman started baiting my now drunk cousin by pretending that she was stroking the back of my cousin?s partner. From our viewpoint it looked exactly that and my cousin took exception to her behaviour, warned the woman off, who then stepped up the act, and in a split second, my cousin took a swing at this woman, which connected, and the punch was returned to my cousin, right in the eye by this woman?s taekwando expert friend. It was all so fast, I leapt forward to separate them, spilling my wine over me in the process. We all got chucked out, and my cousin and her partner ended up having a huge screaming argument, which resulted in him taking off home, leaving us behind. I got us in a taxi and got us back to my house. We had a cup of tea and eventually turned in for the night.
She woke up with one horrendous black eye, and I woke up feeling a bit seedy, but looking at her, thinking that easily could have been me. I was looking at myself. I realised the grief we had been through was only down to booze, I ended up spending more money than I should have and for what? I think my sweater is ruined too.
This morning I realised I didn?t miss the alcohol all week and that by drinking last night, it all came to misery. I undid a great weeks work.
I have to make some choices and I have to make them now. I do not want to end up like my father, living in an alcoholic haze. I do not want to lose the respect of my children. I do not want to end up with liver disease because of my inability to control my drinking. I do not want to be one of those people who continues to make a total arse of themselves because make very poor choices when they drink.
I now hear the concerns of my family. I blocked them out before now.
I do want to have control over this very, very important part of my life. Control here means control can begin elsewhere. If I choose to stop drinking now, it means I will have more money in my bank. If I choose to stop drinking now it means self-respect returns. If I choose to stop drinking now, I might have a life. I do need help, and I think by being a part of this community I will find that support. I know I can meet big challenges I put to myself, but this will be the biggest one yet. Wish me luck!
I?m a binge drinker ? an alcoholic - I have never admitted this before. My dad was an alcoholic too, and I have grown up in a culture where your worth is measured in how much booze you can consume in a session. I lack self-control. For example, I can very rarely stop after the second glass ? heck, if I?ve started I might as well keep going. Supermarket shopping presents a shocking temptation too irresistible to refuse. Filling up my shopping trolley with legitimate groceries, then to walk down the wine and beer aisle, and hey, why not throw in a cheap bottle of red to go with my dinner? It?s only an extra few of dollars. The problem is that I find I shop every day for any reason to be able to buy a bottle of red wine that readily gets consumed in an evening. This has been my pattern. I have needed to relieve my boredom and feeling of utter uselessness and total frustration. I?m living in a city I don?t like, working in a job that doesn?t really interest me, working only because I have big loans and bills that need paying, living very, very far from my family and friends, and having to continually fight against someone who I thought I once loved but who now enjoys turning the screws at every opportunity.
BUT, then a ray of light at the end of the tunnel. I have finally won back my right as an equal parent of my children. My purpose is back. The reason why I moved back to this miserable city has come to pass. And at the same time I have been battling with my thought processes about my drinking. I don?t hide bottles around the house to take a sneaky drink when I think no-one?s looking. I don?t wake up in the morning craving that first drink, heck, I don?t really drink spirits at all any more. I can go a full week without drinking anything. Do I really have a problem??
I really do have a problem and I?ve had it all my life. I?ve drunk so much on many occasions that I?ve had black outs. No idea how I got from A to B. I have driven drunk, but thankfully, I no longer tempt fate by doing this. I know I have been raped while I have been so pissed that I couldn?t even stand straight. I?ve never told a living soul this before now ? I was so stupid to put myself in that position that I take full responsibility for my actions. I?ve made many, many incredibly stupid choices while I have been so drunk ? I just don?t seem to learn.
Then last night, after my drinkless week, I met my cousins at the pub for a catch up and a drink. When I got there, my cousin surprised me by ordering a light alcohol beer. He?s a year older than me (I?m 40) and we got talking. He said he just reached a point where he decided that at his age he needed to stop drinking, and he?d also discovered that the low alcohol beer really didn?t taste that bad these days. I ordered a half pint of beer instead of my normal full pint and I took my time to sip the beer as we chatted and waited for his sister to arrive. Once she got there, then we had a couple more beers, but I came back from a pit stop to find a full pint staring back at me ? apparently the bar had run out of small glasses. Then, after that was consumed my cousin said he had to go and I just should have taken his cue and left as well. But hey, his sister and her partner had only really just arrived, and it wouldn?t hurt to stay and have just another drink. But by that time I was all beered out and switched to ? you got it, red wine. The first one went down easily, the second ? well, I ended up wearing that!
My cousin had been having a few drinks ? I noticed both she and her partner were drinking a lot faster than me and had easily caught me up. Then another very drunk young woman started baiting my now drunk cousin by pretending that she was stroking the back of my cousin?s partner. From our viewpoint it looked exactly that and my cousin took exception to her behaviour, warned the woman off, who then stepped up the act, and in a split second, my cousin took a swing at this woman, which connected, and the punch was returned to my cousin, right in the eye by this woman?s taekwando expert friend. It was all so fast, I leapt forward to separate them, spilling my wine over me in the process. We all got chucked out, and my cousin and her partner ended up having a huge screaming argument, which resulted in him taking off home, leaving us behind. I got us in a taxi and got us back to my house. We had a cup of tea and eventually turned in for the night.
She woke up with one horrendous black eye, and I woke up feeling a bit seedy, but looking at her, thinking that easily could have been me. I was looking at myself. I realised the grief we had been through was only down to booze, I ended up spending more money than I should have and for what? I think my sweater is ruined too.
This morning I realised I didn?t miss the alcohol all week and that by drinking last night, it all came to misery. I undid a great weeks work.
I have to make some choices and I have to make them now. I do not want to end up like my father, living in an alcoholic haze. I do not want to lose the respect of my children. I do not want to end up with liver disease because of my inability to control my drinking. I do not want to be one of those people who continues to make a total arse of themselves because make very poor choices when they drink.
I now hear the concerns of my family. I blocked them out before now.
I do want to have control over this very, very important part of my life. Control here means control can begin elsewhere. If I choose to stop drinking now, it means I will have more money in my bank. If I choose to stop drinking now it means self-respect returns. If I choose to stop drinking now, I might have a life. I do need help, and I think by being a part of this community I will find that support. I know I can meet big challenges I put to myself, but this will be the biggest one yet. Wish me luck!
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