Hi, here I go again, this is my story:
I had hated myself for as long as I can remember. My mum re-married when I was 8 years old, to a man just 10 years older than me.. this man was in the armed forces and big on discipline. He used to hit me and my sister over the slightest things, and not just a tap - full on, making us pull our trousers down so he could beat us about 20 times on our bare bottom's.. I started self-harming from around 12 years old.. my step-dad was also very verbally abusive, putting me down in all different kinds of ways, but basically the running theme was I was ugly, too skinny, no-one would ever want me, I was hopeless and useless. I was also bullied at school.. both these experiences left me with no self-esteem at all - in fact, I did not know what self-esteem was, all I knew was that I hated myself. My mum just ignored me when I tried to tell her how I felt about myself, and the hatred I felt for my step-dad.. she did not care, and just worked a lot of evenings where I was left on my own with him. My Dad was not on the scene as my mum refused to let him see me or my sister.. My sister left home at a young age, and never returned, never called and we just lost touch with her.
I left home for Uni when I was 18yo.. i took my first overdose at 19; after a party, where I thought a girl was being 'mean' to me; I went home and took an o/d of paracetamol. I did not take enough to cause any damage and was released from hospital the next day. I had trouble making friends from an early age, and this continued even at Uni.. I was very sensitive, quiet and shy.. apart from when I had AL; then I would be the opposite - like everyone at Uni, I drank heaps and binged several times a week at parties - getting so drunk I did not know what I was doing, or how I got home.. I found AL very addictive as it made me blot out my personal pain.. I sometimes drank in the morning, and continued through to the evening if I did not have any lectures..
I left Uni and went on to do a nursing course.. I was still binging on a weekly basis.. I used to get so drunk my friends would leave me in the club, and I became promiscous and woke up in all kinds of strange places.. I used to drink a bottle of wine before I even went out, then I would drink shots all night until I blacked out and did not know what I was doing. I don't know how I managed to survive! I ended up in hospital a couple of times by being so drunk.. a lot of the time I was seeking attention, particularly from my 'friends' who would just ignore me and leave me.. one time, they left me yet again - I got so depressed I told the taxi driver on the way home that I was going to kill myself.. He kept telling me not to and refused to let me out the cab at first; when I got out, I ran upstairs to the nurses residences and slashed my wrist with a razor.. I called my mum and she called an ambulance. I was taken to hospital and had to have an operation on my wrist, then was in a psych hospital for 2 weeks after.
I managed to complete my nursing course after that and got a job on a ward.. I was fine for awhile, though I was still binge drinking at weekends. I left the UK to come to Australia after a year on that ward. I came out with a boyfriend, but we broke up and he went back to the UK after a couple of months. I decided to see the rest of Australia on my own.. I drank heaps and got drunk several times a week as I travelled around.. I found myself making friends easily but when I got drunk I often got into arguments with someone.. when this happened; I took overdoses - of paracetamol, phenergan (an antihistamine that makes you drowsy), and valium.. I ended up in hospital several times that year, and was told repeatedly by psych doctors to go back to the UK - but I had nothing to go back to! My mum was just getting on with her life with her new husband, and did not care about me at all. At the end of the year, I managed to get sponsorship as a nurse and stayed here.
I still had issues with low self-esteem.. One year about 4 years ago was my worse.. I was seeing a psychiatrist and taking anti-depressants but was still drinking to deal with loneliness and self-hatred.. I did not have many friends - I scared most people off when I was drunk, or suicidal.. i took an overdose after a boyfriend broke up with me and ended up in a psych ward for almost a month.. after that, I did not drink for 3 months and went to SMART meetings and took up yoga.. but this all ended when a 'friend' persuaded me to go clubbing.. it was all downhill from there, over the next few months I tried to kill myself by jumping off a cliff - but I slipped, and ended up hanging onto a branch, and a police helicopter had to come and rescue me, I tried knocking a hot iron into a bath which I was in full of water, I tried to hang myself - but was cut down in time (as I was on the phone to my mum at the time in the UK, and was blaming my step-dad for everything), and overdoses.. I ended up back in the UK, but returned to Oz and got with my (now ex) husband.. things went ok at first, but he ended up being very verbally and physically abusive - he used to follow me round our house and pushed me into the corners of rooms, or punched me in the arm.. but he managed to convince me that everything was my fault.. one time i tried to leave him.. I moved out. he traced my new mobile number and was mentally torturing me - i got in my car when I has way over the AL limit and had a major accident where my car was 'written off' by my crashing into the back of a semi-trailer.. but luckily I had only whiplash injury and no-one else was injured.. After I left the hospital, I went to a backpackers and took an overdose of AL, and panadol and phenergan.. I locked the door and wrote a suicide note and did not expect to be found.. but I was, and I woke up in hospital and spent the next 2 weeks on a psych ward, where I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was later charged with a DUI and banned from driving for 3 years.
I got back with my ex and we ended up getting married when I was pregnant (I felt I had no choice as I felt so socially inept.. I felt I would not be able to make it on my own). When pregnant, I did not drink at all, apart from 2 glasses of wine at a christmas party, when I was 6 months pregnant. When my son was born, I thought all my issues would be magically cured.. but he ended up being diagnosed with an abdominal tumour when he was just 8 weeks old - he had to have an operation and was in ICU for a week but in hospital for a month after. My (now ex) husband was not around much, whereas I was at the hospital day and night, I slept there in the parents hostel.. I ended up drinking vodka to deal with the pain as my hubby was not around and I had no-one to talk to. When my son came out of hospital, I continued to drink - also as I belonged to a mothers group where they were drinking AL in the morning meetings, and I got really bad anxiety at this group, as there was so many of us - one time I got so drunk I could not get home.. one of the other mum's had to drive me and my son home.. when I got home, i fought with my husband, and took our son off him.. I do not remember the rest as I blacked out but the next day I was told by my husband that I was patting our son into the pillow, to a point where he nearly stopped breathing. I was mortified, the police were notified, who called DOC's (child protection) - I was ordered to go to a D+A counsellor.. I stopped drinking as much, but not completely - I was obviously still in denial.. and still using AL to cope with my husband's abuse - he would call me a b*tch on a daily basis whenever I would ask him to do something..
I had a turnaround at the new year (last year) where I wanted to really change for my son's sake - the D+A counselling was working and I started to feel good about myself.. but my ex ended up assaulting me really badly - he punched me several times in the face at a 'party' and I had to have a metal plate put in my eye socket.. He has been charged with GBH, the court case is in just 3 weeks for that.. I left him for good this time, its now been nearly a year since then.. I did not drink AL for 10 weeks after that incident, though it was not my fault.. but I was moderating.. however I was still in denial and did go overboard a few times..I finally came out of denial and accepted that I cannot drink.. it just makes me worse - more depressed and anxious, and I cannot control how many I have.. hence why I have found this site and want to quit.. so far so good.. I am still seeing a D+A counsellor and working on my low self-esteem issues, which is the root of all my problems.. I have improved a lot and not self-harmed for over 15 months..
Thanks for listening, sorry its so long - that's not even a 1/2 of my life, I tried to condense as much as I could!!
I had hated myself for as long as I can remember. My mum re-married when I was 8 years old, to a man just 10 years older than me.. this man was in the armed forces and big on discipline. He used to hit me and my sister over the slightest things, and not just a tap - full on, making us pull our trousers down so he could beat us about 20 times on our bare bottom's.. I started self-harming from around 12 years old.. my step-dad was also very verbally abusive, putting me down in all different kinds of ways, but basically the running theme was I was ugly, too skinny, no-one would ever want me, I was hopeless and useless. I was also bullied at school.. both these experiences left me with no self-esteem at all - in fact, I did not know what self-esteem was, all I knew was that I hated myself. My mum just ignored me when I tried to tell her how I felt about myself, and the hatred I felt for my step-dad.. she did not care, and just worked a lot of evenings where I was left on my own with him. My Dad was not on the scene as my mum refused to let him see me or my sister.. My sister left home at a young age, and never returned, never called and we just lost touch with her.
I left home for Uni when I was 18yo.. i took my first overdose at 19; after a party, where I thought a girl was being 'mean' to me; I went home and took an o/d of paracetamol. I did not take enough to cause any damage and was released from hospital the next day. I had trouble making friends from an early age, and this continued even at Uni.. I was very sensitive, quiet and shy.. apart from when I had AL; then I would be the opposite - like everyone at Uni, I drank heaps and binged several times a week at parties - getting so drunk I did not know what I was doing, or how I got home.. I found AL very addictive as it made me blot out my personal pain.. I sometimes drank in the morning, and continued through to the evening if I did not have any lectures..
I left Uni and went on to do a nursing course.. I was still binging on a weekly basis.. I used to get so drunk my friends would leave me in the club, and I became promiscous and woke up in all kinds of strange places.. I used to drink a bottle of wine before I even went out, then I would drink shots all night until I blacked out and did not know what I was doing. I don't know how I managed to survive! I ended up in hospital a couple of times by being so drunk.. a lot of the time I was seeking attention, particularly from my 'friends' who would just ignore me and leave me.. one time, they left me yet again - I got so depressed I told the taxi driver on the way home that I was going to kill myself.. He kept telling me not to and refused to let me out the cab at first; when I got out, I ran upstairs to the nurses residences and slashed my wrist with a razor.. I called my mum and she called an ambulance. I was taken to hospital and had to have an operation on my wrist, then was in a psych hospital for 2 weeks after.
I managed to complete my nursing course after that and got a job on a ward.. I was fine for awhile, though I was still binge drinking at weekends. I left the UK to come to Australia after a year on that ward. I came out with a boyfriend, but we broke up and he went back to the UK after a couple of months. I decided to see the rest of Australia on my own.. I drank heaps and got drunk several times a week as I travelled around.. I found myself making friends easily but when I got drunk I often got into arguments with someone.. when this happened; I took overdoses - of paracetamol, phenergan (an antihistamine that makes you drowsy), and valium.. I ended up in hospital several times that year, and was told repeatedly by psych doctors to go back to the UK - but I had nothing to go back to! My mum was just getting on with her life with her new husband, and did not care about me at all. At the end of the year, I managed to get sponsorship as a nurse and stayed here.
I still had issues with low self-esteem.. One year about 4 years ago was my worse.. I was seeing a psychiatrist and taking anti-depressants but was still drinking to deal with loneliness and self-hatred.. I did not have many friends - I scared most people off when I was drunk, or suicidal.. i took an overdose after a boyfriend broke up with me and ended up in a psych ward for almost a month.. after that, I did not drink for 3 months and went to SMART meetings and took up yoga.. but this all ended when a 'friend' persuaded me to go clubbing.. it was all downhill from there, over the next few months I tried to kill myself by jumping off a cliff - but I slipped, and ended up hanging onto a branch, and a police helicopter had to come and rescue me, I tried knocking a hot iron into a bath which I was in full of water, I tried to hang myself - but was cut down in time (as I was on the phone to my mum at the time in the UK, and was blaming my step-dad for everything), and overdoses.. I ended up back in the UK, but returned to Oz and got with my (now ex) husband.. things went ok at first, but he ended up being very verbally and physically abusive - he used to follow me round our house and pushed me into the corners of rooms, or punched me in the arm.. but he managed to convince me that everything was my fault.. one time i tried to leave him.. I moved out. he traced my new mobile number and was mentally torturing me - i got in my car when I has way over the AL limit and had a major accident where my car was 'written off' by my crashing into the back of a semi-trailer.. but luckily I had only whiplash injury and no-one else was injured.. After I left the hospital, I went to a backpackers and took an overdose of AL, and panadol and phenergan.. I locked the door and wrote a suicide note and did not expect to be found.. but I was, and I woke up in hospital and spent the next 2 weeks on a psych ward, where I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was later charged with a DUI and banned from driving for 3 years.
I got back with my ex and we ended up getting married when I was pregnant (I felt I had no choice as I felt so socially inept.. I felt I would not be able to make it on my own). When pregnant, I did not drink at all, apart from 2 glasses of wine at a christmas party, when I was 6 months pregnant. When my son was born, I thought all my issues would be magically cured.. but he ended up being diagnosed with an abdominal tumour when he was just 8 weeks old - he had to have an operation and was in ICU for a week but in hospital for a month after. My (now ex) husband was not around much, whereas I was at the hospital day and night, I slept there in the parents hostel.. I ended up drinking vodka to deal with the pain as my hubby was not around and I had no-one to talk to. When my son came out of hospital, I continued to drink - also as I belonged to a mothers group where they were drinking AL in the morning meetings, and I got really bad anxiety at this group, as there was so many of us - one time I got so drunk I could not get home.. one of the other mum's had to drive me and my son home.. when I got home, i fought with my husband, and took our son off him.. I do not remember the rest as I blacked out but the next day I was told by my husband that I was patting our son into the pillow, to a point where he nearly stopped breathing. I was mortified, the police were notified, who called DOC's (child protection) - I was ordered to go to a D+A counsellor.. I stopped drinking as much, but not completely - I was obviously still in denial.. and still using AL to cope with my husband's abuse - he would call me a b*tch on a daily basis whenever I would ask him to do something..
I had a turnaround at the new year (last year) where I wanted to really change for my son's sake - the D+A counselling was working and I started to feel good about myself.. but my ex ended up assaulting me really badly - he punched me several times in the face at a 'party' and I had to have a metal plate put in my eye socket.. He has been charged with GBH, the court case is in just 3 weeks for that.. I left him for good this time, its now been nearly a year since then.. I did not drink AL for 10 weeks after that incident, though it was not my fault.. but I was moderating.. however I was still in denial and did go overboard a few times..I finally came out of denial and accepted that I cannot drink.. it just makes me worse - more depressed and anxious, and I cannot control how many I have.. hence why I have found this site and want to quit.. so far so good.. I am still seeing a D+A counsellor and working on my low self-esteem issues, which is the root of all my problems.. I have improved a lot and not self-harmed for over 15 months..
Thanks for listening, sorry its so long - that's not even a 1/2 of my life, I tried to condense as much as I could!!
ray:
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