Awake at 4.30am and wondering whats the point. Of trying to change anything. I never seem to get anywhere. Is it me?
Good things in my life: my children
my friends
I guess my story starts with my mother. Are you born who you are or made who you are by what happens after. Both I think. The genes are there. And what made my mother who she was plays a part too. And my father.
My mother alwas said she had an unhappy childhood. She wasn't wanted. An accident. She had two older brothers. The oldest died during World War 2.
My father was very reserved. He had an older sister. His younger brother died when he was little. I only found this out a few years ago.
My mother's first baby died at 4 days. Back at home she sat crying. My father said pull yourself together, its not the end of the world. Of course, to her, it was.
I was born a year later. She went to the doctor when she was 7 months. And I was born at home. She wouldn't go to hospital again. A difficult birth. She was 'highly strung' and I was a difficult baby.
My brother was born 3 years later. An easy birth. A delightful baby.
I remember times when she sat cuddling him, glaring at me because yet again I had done something wrong. I was intelligent, bored, no preschool back then, not enough stimulation. I was a very shy awkward child.
My brother died when he was nine and I was twelve. I remember the doctor giving us a sleeping pill that evening. I was too scared to take mine.
A few months later she tried to kill herself for the first time. She would rather die and be with him than live and be with me. She tried several times after that. She was always found in time, it was just a cry for help. I wanted to leave but thought if I did she might actually do it, I finally left when I was 21, a complete mess.
She used to leave notes when she did it. The first said not to blame me. Later ones said it was all my fault. She used to tell me I was just like my father. I was never good enough for her. One of her friends, just after my brother died, asked if she wished it had been the other way round. She said 'how can I say that?' looking at me. I was actually in the room. And I knew she wished it had been me.
I met my husband. In spite of everything I wanted a home and a family. I hate him for not being my knight in shining armour and marrying me then. I moved in with him. I was pregnant when I did, but didn't know. He always thought I did it on purpose, but I didn't. I persuaded him to have another one three years later.
We live in a 'council house' or 'the projects' depending on where you are from. Its not a bad area, its got better, but these places have reputations. I hate saying where I live. We have bought the house (the one good thing to come from Maggie Thatcher) and extended it. It badly needs decorating. The garden is a mess. My husband does grand gestures like extensions but not decorating. I have tried but I work full time and can't do it all myself.
He has a shop. He hardly ever takes time off. We have had two two week holidays in nearly 30 years. And three or four short breaks. Apart from that he just works. When the children were at school I can only remember a handful of times he took a day off in the summer. All those six week holidays and I was on my own with them.
The children remember their childhood as being happy. I'm pleased that they do.
I used to drink to give myself confidence. I barely spoke. I was a complete wierdo. Alcohol made me feel like evryone else. It all seemed so easy for other people. I just wanted to be like them.
I used to think that everyone else had a normal life. I would walk along the street, look in peoples windows, wish I lived with a nice normal family.
I don't know when it became a problem. It crept up on me. Gradually got worse. This last christmas my daughter and her boyfriend spent a lot of time at our house. They brought a lot of alcohol with them. I was hardly sober. Except for the few days when I went to work.
I am full of anger. At my mother, my husband . . . When I drink I get violent. I have hit my husband.
I met someone else 6 and a half years ago. I felt feelings I have never felt for my husband. I think that is the only time I have really been in love. He didn't make any demands on me, never asked me to leave to be with him. I couldn't leave. I stayed for the children. I couldn't break up the family. I am angry at him too. For letting it happen.
I was asleep. My husband goes to bed at around 2.30am. He sleeps in our son's old room during the week when I have work. He snores and is restless and keeps me awake all night. I got so angry I think he was scared I would smother him with a pillow or hit him over the head with something. Not being able to sleep is awful. The computer is in the part of the bedroom he uses as his study. Seperate, but just divided by a curtain. He came in as usual before bed to check his emails, switch if off. Why at 2.30 in the morning?? I always wake up. Sometimes, like tonight, I can't get back to sleep. I think that is very selfish of him. It was the other way round I wouldn't do it. He is very stubborn and will not see things from my point of view.
So here I am at 5.10am unable to sleep. I have to be up at 7.30. And I know I have to change my life somehow. I can't seem to leave my husband but I can't stay either. I sit in an office all day bored stiff. The people there are lovely.
I don't know how, but somehow I produced two wonderful children. They are kind, caring, polite, hard working . . . I am extremely proud of them.
By last year I was drinking a bottle of wine most nights. After one terrible night I found this place. I had torn down the curtains in the bedroom. My husband won't allow wine in the house. haven't bought any. I did buy some whisky and hid it. I drank half of it and actually poured the rest down the sink two days ago.
I go out saturdays with my friend to see local bands. I drink 2 or 3 lagers. I had 3 saturday and didn't really need them.
Today my husband hasn't spoken to me all day. I bought 4 cans of lager. I drank them all. I was stupid.
I have an underactive thyroid. I have been drunk and my son has blamed my thyroid problem. Apparently it can cause similar symtpoms. I didn't admit that I was drunk.
My life feels like a disaster. I want to run away and start again somewhere else. I tried to persuade my husband to move. I would really like to, it could be a new start. He won't hear of it.
I have said day one twice before. I wonder if its worth saying it again.
Good things in my life: my children
my friends
I guess my story starts with my mother. Are you born who you are or made who you are by what happens after. Both I think. The genes are there. And what made my mother who she was plays a part too. And my father.
My mother alwas said she had an unhappy childhood. She wasn't wanted. An accident. She had two older brothers. The oldest died during World War 2.
My father was very reserved. He had an older sister. His younger brother died when he was little. I only found this out a few years ago.
My mother's first baby died at 4 days. Back at home she sat crying. My father said pull yourself together, its not the end of the world. Of course, to her, it was.
I was born a year later. She went to the doctor when she was 7 months. And I was born at home. She wouldn't go to hospital again. A difficult birth. She was 'highly strung' and I was a difficult baby.
My brother was born 3 years later. An easy birth. A delightful baby.
I remember times when she sat cuddling him, glaring at me because yet again I had done something wrong. I was intelligent, bored, no preschool back then, not enough stimulation. I was a very shy awkward child.
My brother died when he was nine and I was twelve. I remember the doctor giving us a sleeping pill that evening. I was too scared to take mine.
A few months later she tried to kill herself for the first time. She would rather die and be with him than live and be with me. She tried several times after that. She was always found in time, it was just a cry for help. I wanted to leave but thought if I did she might actually do it, I finally left when I was 21, a complete mess.
She used to leave notes when she did it. The first said not to blame me. Later ones said it was all my fault. She used to tell me I was just like my father. I was never good enough for her. One of her friends, just after my brother died, asked if she wished it had been the other way round. She said 'how can I say that?' looking at me. I was actually in the room. And I knew she wished it had been me.
I met my husband. In spite of everything I wanted a home and a family. I hate him for not being my knight in shining armour and marrying me then. I moved in with him. I was pregnant when I did, but didn't know. He always thought I did it on purpose, but I didn't. I persuaded him to have another one three years later.
We live in a 'council house' or 'the projects' depending on where you are from. Its not a bad area, its got better, but these places have reputations. I hate saying where I live. We have bought the house (the one good thing to come from Maggie Thatcher) and extended it. It badly needs decorating. The garden is a mess. My husband does grand gestures like extensions but not decorating. I have tried but I work full time and can't do it all myself.
He has a shop. He hardly ever takes time off. We have had two two week holidays in nearly 30 years. And three or four short breaks. Apart from that he just works. When the children were at school I can only remember a handful of times he took a day off in the summer. All those six week holidays and I was on my own with them.
The children remember their childhood as being happy. I'm pleased that they do.
I used to drink to give myself confidence. I barely spoke. I was a complete wierdo. Alcohol made me feel like evryone else. It all seemed so easy for other people. I just wanted to be like them.
I used to think that everyone else had a normal life. I would walk along the street, look in peoples windows, wish I lived with a nice normal family.
I don't know when it became a problem. It crept up on me. Gradually got worse. This last christmas my daughter and her boyfriend spent a lot of time at our house. They brought a lot of alcohol with them. I was hardly sober. Except for the few days when I went to work.
I am full of anger. At my mother, my husband . . . When I drink I get violent. I have hit my husband.
I met someone else 6 and a half years ago. I felt feelings I have never felt for my husband. I think that is the only time I have really been in love. He didn't make any demands on me, never asked me to leave to be with him. I couldn't leave. I stayed for the children. I couldn't break up the family. I am angry at him too. For letting it happen.
I was asleep. My husband goes to bed at around 2.30am. He sleeps in our son's old room during the week when I have work. He snores and is restless and keeps me awake all night. I got so angry I think he was scared I would smother him with a pillow or hit him over the head with something. Not being able to sleep is awful. The computer is in the part of the bedroom he uses as his study. Seperate, but just divided by a curtain. He came in as usual before bed to check his emails, switch if off. Why at 2.30 in the morning?? I always wake up. Sometimes, like tonight, I can't get back to sleep. I think that is very selfish of him. It was the other way round I wouldn't do it. He is very stubborn and will not see things from my point of view.
So here I am at 5.10am unable to sleep. I have to be up at 7.30. And I know I have to change my life somehow. I can't seem to leave my husband but I can't stay either. I sit in an office all day bored stiff. The people there are lovely.
I don't know how, but somehow I produced two wonderful children. They are kind, caring, polite, hard working . . . I am extremely proud of them.
By last year I was drinking a bottle of wine most nights. After one terrible night I found this place. I had torn down the curtains in the bedroom. My husband won't allow wine in the house. haven't bought any. I did buy some whisky and hid it. I drank half of it and actually poured the rest down the sink two days ago.
I go out saturdays with my friend to see local bands. I drink 2 or 3 lagers. I had 3 saturday and didn't really need them.
Today my husband hasn't spoken to me all day. I bought 4 cans of lager. I drank them all. I was stupid.
I have an underactive thyroid. I have been drunk and my son has blamed my thyroid problem. Apparently it can cause similar symtpoms. I didn't admit that I was drunk.
My life feels like a disaster. I want to run away and start again somewhere else. I tried to persuade my husband to move. I would really like to, it could be a new start. He won't hear of it.
I have said day one twice before. I wonder if its worth saying it again.
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