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Hi everyone. I just joined yesterday after spending days reading all your posts and just getting familiar with the site. First off, I want to say what an incredible bunch of people you are! The compassion, caring and genuine concern for others on MWO have truely touched my heart.
I am not in a real bad place right now, well mentally anyway. I have been a lot worse in my past. So why now? Why is it now I am choosing to talk to you all and ask for help and advise? I am ready to make a change! Not for my son directly, but for me....because I know it will help me to become a better person and in turn a better mom.
I am 40 years old. I have always been a party, happy go lucky girl! Life of the party so they say. In my teens, drinking since I was 14, bars in my early 20's....never to any extreme, but it always made me feel more confident and better about myself. I never thought I would become addicted. Alcohol was the least of my worries back then. I was hospitalized at 25 with an eating disorder and spent 6 months in a hospital. I threw up my bday cake at 16 and it all started from there. I was never over weight....always worked out and was in great shape actually. Just never happy with my appearance and low self esteem. I was only 78 lbs when finally admitted, taking diuretics (which I stold from my mother), over 100 laxatives a day (which I stold from the drug store and work many times), starving my self and purged anything I ate. I eventually got to the point where I was passing out in public and at work and could literally no longer keep anything in my stomache from the damage I had done from purging. The doctors in emerg told me I could die because I was so dehydrated and my electrolites were so bad. That didn't stop me though.........it didn't stop me because I was sick and had an addiction. Yes, I believe and eating disorder is also an addiction. I was addicted to food, whether it be not eating it or throwing it up........its all I thought about. Funny... in retrospect looking back, I did allow myself some drinks now and then and never once thought of the calories! Always thought alcohol was fat free!? When I was finally allowed to leave the hospital some nights during my recovery, we always went to a bar and got hammered. Now picture this...a couple of skinny (still a little evident we came from down the road from "that hospital") chicks out drinking our faces off but absolutely petrified to stand on the "way in scale" the next morning after the breakfast we just consumed?! During my recovery my doctor did express concern that i had a very addictive and compulsive personality and he was concerned that I could begin to abuse alcohol. I remember thinking for the first time that this guy did not know what he was talking about and even laughed about it with my friends. Me? No I had an eating disorder!!!!
Well here I am.....15 years later and addicted to wine! I said earlier that I am not in a bad place. I say this, not because i do not accept the severety of my problem....I say this because over the last few years I have been so much worse off. Like many of you, I too have felt alone, helpless, depressed and suicidal. I swallowed 50 tylenol 3's when my son was only 6 weeks old. I now realize that my son is my trigger, both good and bad. I wasn't sure I wanted kids back then because of my complete fear of getting fat when I got pregnant. But then I met a man with kids and fell completely in love. Long story....lets just say it didn't work out..........AT ALL!!!!! He left me when I was only 4 months pregnant and at the time I thought about ending my life. I have never been so scared. This was not where I was suppose to be in my life?! Thankfully I did not end my life and I now have a beautiful healthy son who is my life and my world. His father has no part in his life and i have raised him on my own since. He keeps me going every day. The reason I say he is my trigger is because he can bring out the best and worst in me. I want so bad to be a good mom that when I feel I fail him, I only punish myself.
I could go on for hours about everything, but what I want you all to know...and the bottom line is.....I am afraid to stop drinking. Not afraid of the withdrawl, not afraid of the hard road ahead....I have done this once and can do it again. I am afraid because for me it is a vicious cycle!! I have tried to stop before. What do I do? I eat!! But then I can't just eat....I will eat too much, feel like a failure and then throw it up! Then the withdrawl and anxiety kicks in...........i will eat again and the cycle begins. For me its not just trying to beat an alcoholic addiction........its a tremendous fear I have of just replacing one with another! Does anyone else feel this way! Would love any advise/comments/feedback any of you may have. Oh by the way.........same with smoking! Whats with that?! Try to cut back on drinking, start smoking after quiting 6 years! Now I am almost full blown nicotine addict again too! Endless cycle! You must be thinking this girl is in denial...."not in a bad place my _ _ _" lol! I said I am not in a bad place because I have read so many of the posts and know how some of you feel. I have been so low before that I thought I would never get out. I don't feel helpless right now....even though i need help. I drink almost a magnum of wine a night. I know I can't stop drinking on my own. But I don't feel alone after reading all the posts on this site. I think you are all amazing individuals and I would feel honoured to hear from any of you. This is my first step
Hi everyone. I just joined yesterday after spending days reading all your posts and just getting familiar with the site. First off, I want to say what an incredible bunch of people you are! The compassion, caring and genuine concern for others on MWO have truely touched my heart.
I am not in a real bad place right now, well mentally anyway. I have been a lot worse in my past. So why now? Why is it now I am choosing to talk to you all and ask for help and advise? I am ready to make a change! Not for my son directly, but for me....because I know it will help me to become a better person and in turn a better mom.
I am 40 years old. I have always been a party, happy go lucky girl! Life of the party so they say. In my teens, drinking since I was 14, bars in my early 20's....never to any extreme, but it always made me feel more confident and better about myself. I never thought I would become addicted. Alcohol was the least of my worries back then. I was hospitalized at 25 with an eating disorder and spent 6 months in a hospital. I threw up my bday cake at 16 and it all started from there. I was never over weight....always worked out and was in great shape actually. Just never happy with my appearance and low self esteem. I was only 78 lbs when finally admitted, taking diuretics (which I stold from my mother), over 100 laxatives a day (which I stold from the drug store and work many times), starving my self and purged anything I ate. I eventually got to the point where I was passing out in public and at work and could literally no longer keep anything in my stomache from the damage I had done from purging. The doctors in emerg told me I could die because I was so dehydrated and my electrolites were so bad. That didn't stop me though.........it didn't stop me because I was sick and had an addiction. Yes, I believe and eating disorder is also an addiction. I was addicted to food, whether it be not eating it or throwing it up........its all I thought about. Funny... in retrospect looking back, I did allow myself some drinks now and then and never once thought of the calories! Always thought alcohol was fat free!? When I was finally allowed to leave the hospital some nights during my recovery, we always went to a bar and got hammered. Now picture this...a couple of skinny (still a little evident we came from down the road from "that hospital") chicks out drinking our faces off but absolutely petrified to stand on the "way in scale" the next morning after the breakfast we just consumed?! During my recovery my doctor did express concern that i had a very addictive and compulsive personality and he was concerned that I could begin to abuse alcohol. I remember thinking for the first time that this guy did not know what he was talking about and even laughed about it with my friends. Me? No I had an eating disorder!!!!
Well here I am.....15 years later and addicted to wine! I said earlier that I am not in a bad place. I say this, not because i do not accept the severety of my problem....I say this because over the last few years I have been so much worse off. Like many of you, I too have felt alone, helpless, depressed and suicidal. I swallowed 50 tylenol 3's when my son was only 6 weeks old. I now realize that my son is my trigger, both good and bad. I wasn't sure I wanted kids back then because of my complete fear of getting fat when I got pregnant. But then I met a man with kids and fell completely in love. Long story....lets just say it didn't work out..........AT ALL!!!!! He left me when I was only 4 months pregnant and at the time I thought about ending my life. I have never been so scared. This was not where I was suppose to be in my life?! Thankfully I did not end my life and I now have a beautiful healthy son who is my life and my world. His father has no part in his life and i have raised him on my own since. He keeps me going every day. The reason I say he is my trigger is because he can bring out the best and worst in me. I want so bad to be a good mom that when I feel I fail him, I only punish myself.
I could go on for hours about everything, but what I want you all to know...and the bottom line is.....I am afraid to stop drinking. Not afraid of the withdrawl, not afraid of the hard road ahead....I have done this once and can do it again. I am afraid because for me it is a vicious cycle!! I have tried to stop before. What do I do? I eat!! But then I can't just eat....I will eat too much, feel like a failure and then throw it up! Then the withdrawl and anxiety kicks in...........i will eat again and the cycle begins. For me its not just trying to beat an alcoholic addiction........its a tremendous fear I have of just replacing one with another! Does anyone else feel this way! Would love any advise/comments/feedback any of you may have. Oh by the way.........same with smoking! Whats with that?! Try to cut back on drinking, start smoking after quiting 6 years! Now I am almost full blown nicotine addict again too! Endless cycle! You must be thinking this girl is in denial...."not in a bad place my _ _ _" lol! I said I am not in a bad place because I have read so many of the posts and know how some of you feel. I have been so low before that I thought I would never get out. I don't feel helpless right now....even though i need help. I drink almost a magnum of wine a night. I know I can't stop drinking on my own. But I don't feel alone after reading all the posts on this site. I think you are all amazing individuals and I would feel honoured to hear from any of you. This is my first step
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