Addictions - both sides of the story

[Eternity]

Greetings everyone, I am an alcoholic.

I am also an addiction specialist (Psych.MD/PhD) and have been a partner in a private clinic for the past 15 years or so - although mostly retired now.

I almost never participate in boards but this one caught my attention as it has a genuinely sympathetic atmosphere of sharing.

As an alcoholic, I have had an especially tough time staying sober - call me "hard-headed" - having been in and out of rehab 30+ times, and the ICU is a familiar stop-over for me.

I have been 'sober' for the past five years, with a few 1-2 year stretches here and there since my first rehab in 1995. My heart goes out to all of us trying to stay sober, and if there is any way at all I can contribute to that effort, I will feel privileged indeed.

:thanks:

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Addictions - both sides of the story

Welcome Eternity and thank you for your kind offer. I do hope you stick around and get to know us, as you have seen this place is just amazing. Congratulations on your 5 years AF, that is fantastic.

[mario]

Addictions - both sides of the story

Welcome to mwo eternity,That's fantastic that you are 5 years sober,please feel free to share your journey as well as helping others you still be helping yourself,hope you stick around.

[mama bear]

Addictions - both sides of the story

I welcome you with open arms, heart and ears!!!!!

[Eternity]

Addictions - both sides of the story

Thank you all for your kind and welcoming words..

Let me start off by saying I have never taken drugs (including pot) during my drinking years (16-43) although now in retrospect, I had 'alcohol abuse' issues probably from day one.

As years went by, my alcoholism progressed into solitary drinking binges, lasting weeks and a few times months. I was going in and out of therapy, same clinic where I'd be lecturing patients about alcoholism. My drinking grew worse. Although I could (and did) take longer breaks between drinks, it always started the same way. In that respect, my drinking never 'got out of control'. I always wanted to drink to the extreme.

However, the results grew worse. My last three binges landed me in ICU with acute alcohol poisoning, I had experienced delirium tremens a few times. My old fellow patients who followed similar paths were either dying or suffering serious mental/physical health issues. It was time to quit.

In that respect, I stopped drinking. However, an acquaintance introduced me to a substance called "weed" which I have learned to enjoy. For the purist, this may not be the state of "sobriety" they are hoping to achieve. With all due respect, my 'sobriety' then would be an insult to those going it all bare.

I have never touched hard drugs, did take E a few times but the incredible down I suffered afterward made me hate it. It truly is a poisonous invention which very often results in permanent mental damage among common users.

Bottom line: I often employ the use of that afore-mentioned plant in the evenings, keep a bottle of tranqs handy (bromazepam works - dont use xan.x) - 20 tablets last me 2 years.
Anything that keeps me away from alcohol within those limits, I consider fair game.

Life has its ups and downs, happiness and peace take work. God sometimes deals shitty hands, but we can deal with that. Just takes some effort is all.

If what I have to say sounds offensive to some, please feel free to remove my subscription.

Health & Peace :l

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Addictions - both sides of the story

Hi Eternity, I think your experience and profession may be of great benefit to others here and I hope nobody takes offense at your taking weed, it is not like any of us here are whiter than snow ourselves now is it? One thing I love about MWO is the fact that nobody judges others, we dont have that right. I am sure your contributions will be made very welcome indeed.
Keep safe
KTAB

[looking for peace]

Addictions - both sides of the story

Welcome Eternity, I agree that someone with your background is quite an asset to this site. Hope you post often. Your story sounds incredibly interesting. I would really like to know how you decided to go into the substance abuse profession.... was it in an effort to understand yourself? Are there many other professionals in the field that are in your same situation?

[Doggygirl]

Addictions - both sides of the story

Welcome Eternity. :welcome: Congratulations on 5 years alcohol free.

I hope you stick around and share. All shared experience is valuable around here when it's honest!

Thankfully, my experimentation (of which there was plenty) with other substances didn't really turn up anything that lit my bulb so to speak. My husband however, had a very nasty dependence on weed. I've always heard it said that weed is not addictive, but I would beg to differ in at least his case! We are both clean now and our lives are dramatically improved as a result. Thank God.

Anyway...I hope the alternatives to AL are not problematic for you in that way. I look forward to getting to know you better - this is a great community.

DG

[sick of being sick]

Addictions - both sides of the story

Welcome, Eternity! We are so happy to have you here! You are going to be able to inspire and help alot of people here. 2 months ago I found this site and I would have never imagined being where I am today! So healthy and happy! I have basically been drugged up or drunk all my life. I started smoking weed at 14 and never stopped until recently, I was addicted to crack cocaine for 3 years, then I took up drinking for the next 25 years! Over the last 5 years, I drank a fifth of vodka every night at home with my husband. I never thought it was possible to get sober and to be happy! I am high on life and I thank God every day for still being alive after all I've been through so that I can enjoy whatever time I have left on this earth. This is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me, finding this site and all these wonderful people to help and encourage me so much! I could have never done it without them! I know you will make a ton of friends here and we all welcome you and never hold judgement on anyone! So happy to have you!

[4MyHealth]

Addictions - both sides of the story

Welcome Eternity,

Your story is so interesting and I do hope you stay on the site and keep posting. I just found it this month and feel so encouraged but what I read here and what I am experiencing personally as a result. I hope the same for you.
Question for you: is E extacy? (sp) Just curious.

[Eternity]

Addictions - both sides of the story

Greetings and thanks for the love once again

4MyHealth, I did mean extacy by E (or X) as it's commonly referred here around Europe. I agree it's a good trip, but X will make an alcoholic's life a lot harder.
The brain chemistry of an alcoholic is already depressed as a result of excessive drinking, and it takes months and sometimes years for that alcoholic depression to dissolve.
Most alcoholics use some kind of anti-depressant for the duration. MDMA directly messes up the hormone structure which we are trying to correct.
The down suffered after the X wears off can perhaps be tolerated by a non-alcoholic, but for us it's catastrophic. I had such a depressive episode after my last X (like 3-4 years ago), that it scared me into hating it forever.
It almost triggered a relapse, but I saw it coming and took some antabuse pills just in case. Then again, I've been an addict over 20 years and it's also my job - others may not be so lucky.

Doggygirl, grats on being clean to you both :goodjob: Godspeed to all of us out there staying sober or trying..

I am first and foremost an alcoholic. Nothing can or will replace a drink (or 12) for me.
I try and not use weed as an attempt to fill the "void" alcohol left behind. I'm not familiar with its culture and never experienced the stuff until I was 45. Vodka always had me well covered during my drinking days.

As a recovering alcoholic and a man of medicine, I would argue against its use any day. Whether weed is an addiction or not is not the issue.
An addict's greatest challenge is often being in situations where he or she might face a hard time staying sober.
We learn to adapt, take it a day at a time until alcohol becomes a non-issue and life just goes on, except with better quality.
By smoking weed, an alcoholic will halt all progress in the "coping-skills" department which creates its own set of problems. But most importantly, the "pleasure-seeking" department is now activated.
It is a fine line I walk on, and it's a nasty habit I hope to give up altogether soon. My liver says thanks but heart and lungs will hate me forever. That'll probably be a good excuse to start drinking again

I'm not a purist at heart and the definition of "sobriety" is a personal one. We are alcoholics and we deal with a deadly addiction, but first and foremost we're all human.
It wouldn't be fair to expect a spotless 'sobriety record' in an otherwise imperfect world.
Lapses can and will happen. It's no big deal as long as one stays with the program.

We do what we can, and do it way better when united. That's why I'm here. In the end, there's nothing but life itself. :h

Love and peace to you all, have a wonderful week.. :huggy

[dancelot]

Addictions - both sides of the story

Eternity;833077 wrote:
It wouldn't be fair to expect a spotless 'sobriety record' in an otherwise imperfect world.
Lapses can and will happen. It's no big deal as long as one stays with the program.

Maybe I'm taking this out of context, but I disagree with this statement. My BS meter just blew the lid off. Yes, relapses can and will happen, but to appear to make light of it, imply it is somehow OK since "it happens", in a forum such as this, by someone in the addiction field no less...... must be some good stuff yer smokin'! This kind of talk is heard far too often around here, but usually from members with little or no experience in sobriety, and in my opinion, still in that wishful thinking mode. I am sorry if anyone finds that statement offensive. In my opinion it is more important to tell the truth. I am not implying anyone does not want to get sober. I do mean it needs to be taken seriously. That is different than beating yourself up over a screw up. It means watching out for your own tricky little alcoholic mind (or anyone else's).

My own last relapse lasted 8 years..... personally I don't think I'd last another 8 years if it happened again, so my personal program doesn't offer that option. Even letting that thinking in just a little would be one more twisted example of the addiction thinking. How am I "staying with the program" by falling off? I like to hope if I stay with the program, that won't happen. I'm very aware of the fact that, yes, I'm one drink away, but I can never, ever afford to think "I can get right back on". From my past experience, it's just unlikely. I have to be a realist. I have to remember the bad parts more than the good. It is way too easy to forget. I have no reason to believe I'm fundamentally different now.

It saddens me to see people relapse over and over. I for one did not get sober by thinking this way. At the risk of offending anyone, we are all addicts and we love excuses and find them any where we can. The last thing any of us need is to hear this from an "expert". If I had believed that or listened to it coming in here, I seriously doubt I would have stopped drinking. I listened to people who were firm but truthful, not telling me what I wanted to hear or wanting me to like them, but instead told me in no uncertain terms how they did it, and what was involved.

By the way, the world was still imperfect last time I looked. Last I heard, life's not fair either. I can't do much about either of those things, but I can make every effort to maintain my own sobriety - and that is my responsibility in spite of whatever hand I'm dealt in life.

[shame]

Addictions - both sides of the story

I don't think Eternity means that it's fine to relapse as much as you want. I interpret it as the fact that addictions are strongly relapsing conditions and many don't get to abstinence or moderation on a smooth upwards curve. Unfortunatley we tend to fall off and have to pick ourselves up and get back on.
I too have worked in psychiatry for over 20 years and currently work with a large number of clients with addictions, mainly alcohol and lots of prescription drug addictions too. Not that I'm an expert addiction counsellor, just work in general psychiatry and happen to have a large number of addicts in and out. Each time some relapse, it's no good punishing or lecturing them negatively and wrecking what self esteem they have left because they already feel a failure. It's acknowledged that they relapsed but focus is more on identifying the triggers and looking at how they could be dealt with differently another time. Refocus on the here and now and the future. being supportive. Of course some who are very compromised physically will be told they might not live to have another chance if they don't give it their full shot.
I too have a problem with alcohol in that I drink 8 - 10 glasses of wine a day in the late afternoons, sometimes replace some of those with spirits. This has been an issue for 10 years and now in my 40's I have to get my act together. I see first hand the damage it causes. I never thought in a million years I would get addicted to alcohol. I always used to be able to take it or leave it. I smoked and quit that, only to replace it with alcohol. I must be able to quit this too. Being in the profession and having all the knoweldge doesn't make it any easier to quit, which makes me mad at myself. I have to remind myself that people who work in healthcare are human too. I can moderate for a while then it creeps back up . My husband is an alcoholic of much longer standing than me, so doesn't think I drink too much.
I can see where you're coming from too Dancelot. Getting sober and staying that way is hard work which one would not want others to make light of. Like you say, you have to watch out for your own 'tricky little alcoholic mind' because we rationalise things to make it seem ok. My mind is in the gambling mentality at the moment. I know I can lose the game but maybe I can play for a bit longer? How ridiculous. Apologies for rambling - just a few thoughts :-)

[Doggygirl]

Addictions - both sides of the story

Shame and Eternity, I think you both offer interesting perspectives as both alcoholics and professionals related to the "field." Both of you also share another thing in common - being very new to this forum.

Having participated here since 2007, I can say that Dancelot is raising a very good point. This forum is largely unmoderated with the exception of extreme "troll" type behavior, so certain concepts, especially those that are attractive to the alcoholic mind, tend to grow a life of their own.

I'm sure "relapse is fine" was not the intended message. Whether anyone admits it or not, it will be "heard" that way by some - especially who are new at attempting sobriety. There is a very strong desire (I know, because I had it too!) to somehow find here at My Way Out that there really IS a way to safely drink, even for those of us who cannot.

I appreciate Dancelots' comments and hope you will take them to heart. Relapse is NOT OK for most of us here.

DG

[Eternity]

Addictions - both sides of the story

My emphasis was on the "as long as you stay in the system" bit.
I'm sorry to read a relapse of eight years and for all the pain Dancelot suffered.

What I meant by 'being in a system' was an effort to prevent and/or intervene such relapses.
In that light, seeing an individual suffer additional layers of depression about "losing the sobriety" seems like a load they shouldn't have to carry.

I didn't in any way imply to make light work of it or mean it's okay to relapse. All I'm saying is if one seeks immediate help and suffers as little as possible, it may even offer the chance to be aware of what went wrong and offer some clues that will make sobriety easier. Think of it as being sober with one less fear - it works.

Sometimes it's not how many days but how far you come that gives better remission rates.