Today is 63 days AF for me and I wanted to share some of my story. Up until recently I really had trouble openly admitting to others (and myself) that I was unmistakebly a raging alcoholic. I put on a good facade for a few years like a lot of us do. Always made sure my house was clean, when it came to my appearence I was obsessive about looking as perfect as possible-probably trying to hide how ugly and destroyed I felt inside. I was ashamed and disgusted with myself and I drank with a vengence in what I now realize was a passive-aggresive attempt at killing myself. I did some very evil things while I was heavily drinking (nothing illegal) but I hurt people that I cared about so badly that I find it almost impossible to forgive myself. My Ex probaly took the absolute worst of it. I lied to him, cheated on him, was verbally and physically abusive. Threw temper tantrums that would give the most rotten 2 year old in the world a run for their money and all he did was try to love me and support me emotionally and eventually financially since at the time I happily quit my job for no reason other than to have more quality drinking time (oh Lord). I left him in the end, I couldn't believe anyone could love and care about me. I felt so unloveable.... I don't know how he hung in as long as he did. I have made many heartfelt apologies to him and he says he forives me. Drinking brought out such a hideous side to me it makes me shudder every time I remember. I know 63 days is not that long but where I came from it feels like a million days. I have too many stories to put down here but I also want to let you all know what happened to me physically. I was admitted into the ER last August over the course of about 4-5 days I progressively was losing feeling in my feet. It started as a "pins and needles" feeling.Then I found it almost impossible to walk or maintain any kind of balance. Now, I have always been physically active and was in dance for many years so I thought I was in great shape, despite my off the charts alcohol consumption and very little food intake, I was still working out a lot and helping my friend with her dance school. My BAL was 0 upon admission but my lab work caused a great deal of alarm. My LFT's were so high they could not believe it for a woman my age and my Kidneys were leaking a toxic substance. I was in the Hospital for 4 days. They got my labs to somewhat near normal. My potassium was so low they said if I had waited another day to come in I probably would have gone into cardiac arrest. One of the Dr's said the situation could have turned out like Terri Schiavo's (she was treated at the Hospital I was in).
So, did quit drinking for about 3 weeks. Then believe it or not-started drinking AGAIN! Landed in the hospital again in late January. My Dr came in to see me madder than a hornet and made me sign a note to put in my chart that I understood if I, Cindi ________ continued to drink I would die. Make no mistake about it. He signed it and I did.
That did change my thinking about alcohol. What I once thought was my best, dearest friend in the world wanted to kill me! Well, I will not go down without a fight. I am happier and I feel better than I have in years. Some of physical damage is here to stay but I still go to the gym every day, eat healthfully, improve that in every way I can. My kidneys are back to normal. LFT's are a lot lower. The mental part is an ongoing healing process, like my body. I know I can do it and I NEVER want to go back to that place again!!!! Our bodies are precious and damage is being done every time alcohol enters the body.
If you've ever taken alcohol into your body, you have very little will to live. The body was not meant to intake alcohol. It impairs the mind.
~God from Conversations with God (Book 1) through Neale Donald Walsch [/B]
So, did quit drinking for about 3 weeks. Then believe it or not-started drinking AGAIN! Landed in the hospital again in late January. My Dr came in to see me madder than a hornet and made me sign a note to put in my chart that I understood if I, Cindi ________ continued to drink I would die. Make no mistake about it. He signed it and I did.
That did change my thinking about alcohol. What I once thought was my best, dearest friend in the world wanted to kill me! Well, I will not go down without a fight. I am happier and I feel better than I have in years. Some of physical damage is here to stay but I still go to the gym every day, eat healthfully, improve that in every way I can. My kidneys are back to normal. LFT's are a lot lower. The mental part is an ongoing healing process, like my body. I know I can do it and I NEVER want to go back to that place again!!!! Our bodies are precious and damage is being done every time alcohol enters the body.
If you've ever taken alcohol into your body, you have very little will to live. The body was not meant to intake alcohol. It impairs the mind.
~God from Conversations with God (Book 1) through Neale Donald Walsch [/B]
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