I have posted my story before, a while back when I didn't really know where I was going. There were idyllic times in my childhood, something out of a Mark Twain/Andy Griffith movie. I spent a lot of time alone, outside; climbing trees, trying to swim, :H learning about nature. I was born while my Daddy was serving 3 tours in Korea, and Momma and I lived mostly with her Momma, Chit, but stayed with my Daddy's family occasionally. We were poor, but I never knew it, because life at Chit's was a fairytale for me. I know now she favored me, of her 30something grandchildren. The great big house, with it's pantries, secret doors, smoke house, barn, corn crib, chicken pen.....the stuff of wonderful memories for a child. Daddy came home, and was a stranger to me. He worked hard, built us a house, then another - the first place we had indoor plumbing! Even looking back now, I don't feel any deprivation for the first years of my life. It was only as I got older, when it seemed every young male family member had a sexual agenda for me. I learned to evade, ignore, escape, but it never occurred to me to tell. Something from my mother conveyed guilt to me, and I felt completely helpless and alone. I didn't know for ages that her fear was grounded in what would happen if my Daddy knew; what he might do, how he might disrupt the family (yes, by choking the life out of somebody!). So I feared Daddy, and knew I had no help in Momma. I made myself unattractive, or at least did not invite interest in myself. I dated rarely, turning down most of the offers, even tho I was in the top of my class, a cheerleader, popular. There were 2 young male teachers who made advances on me; one was seen by another student, and he told me he was PRAYING I would tell my Daddy (who was legendary for his size and strength). He was so disappointed when I told him I wouldn't do it. (I didn't know how to tell, who would believe me, and the embarrassment was SO acute.) At this time, because of how Momma had reacted, I still didn't trust Daddy to believe me. It took me 20 years to realize that I had nothing to fear from Daddy, and that Momma's concerns were about how things would look, what people would say. Maybe I developed my low esteem back then, when the truth did NOT set me free.
I met Hubs when we were both 15, in high school. Incredibly, the 2 male teachers I mentioned tried to talk me out of dating him! At the time, he was much more interested than me, but he was so sweet, solid, comforting, and he obviously loved me. The adults in my life told me he wasn't good enough for me, not in my class. Imagine that. 40+ years later, I'm still wondering what they meant.
I went to college, he went to technical school, and he made the trip to see me, at his expense, every chance he got. I transferred to a closer college, against the advice of my mentors at the first college, to be closer to him. He proposed, I accepted, and many people thought I had ruined my life.
I never had a drink until I'd been married 4 years. It was easy to take it or leave it. We weren't partyers, we quickly had a baby we both adored, then he decided to take a better job, where he is today. He liked being just the two of us, and gradually, with his job taking more time and me raising our children, we became more isolated. I worked, getting any job I applied for easily. We were not good with our money, we didn't plan well, but I was immersed in our children, doing the things he didn't have time for.
Daddy became an alcoholic, and his life was in a downward spiral. Momma depended on me, leaned on me to make things right, take care of her. I went places, confronted Daddy, became the 'force' in our family, while working, raising my children, being a wife. My sister ran away and married in Mexico, and I dragged them back and forced them to face the parents, try to set up a home. This was the first of my sister's 4 marriages. My brother was a pothead, was involved in some ugly situations Daddy and I got him out of, then married his wife today, and suddenly became a 'Holier Than Thou' convert who loved to point out other's faults.
Daddy got sick in 1985. I drove him the hours back and forth to doctors appointments, talked to him, and loved him more than I can say as he admitted the things that drove him to his current state, and focused all his love and attention on his family, especially his grandchildren.He was like a Pied Piper - you never knew what he would bring home in a fit of whimsy, to delight everyone but Momma.
Hubs was working more and more, often away from home for months. Once, in 1985, just when Daddy got sick, I came down with the flu, and almost died. Hubs was working out of town, I couldn't ask Momma for help, my siblings wouldn't help, and I was left desperately sick, home with my 12 and 15 y/o. Several people I knew died from the same flu. Hubs appeared one day, unexpectedly. My little girl had called him. She and her brother had been trying to keep the house, feed themselves, go to school, and worry that I would be dead when they came home. Hubs picked me up with my blankets and took me straight to the ER, where I was admitted for a week. The docs said they didn't know how I survived. I'd lost 25# in 10 days. My mother never visited me, and I told her by phone I couldn't see Daddy and risk getting him sick.
After that, the pressure of raising teens basically alone eventually led to me drinking more and more. I'd never been told there was any danger. I did it secretly, I thought, and the amount increased substantially, as well as the time of day I'd drink. Our son went through some terrible relationships, married (badly) 3 times, and our daughter left home for college as soon as possible. One point of pride: both our children have our strong work ethic. They both started to earn money as soon as possible, and continue to this day. After our daughter left home, though I was working in a physically demanding job, I was basically alone most of the time. Hubs would go in on an emergency and I might not see him again for several days. We had no close friends, no social outlets, nothing. I sat home and drank, as much and as often as possible. Some days I sat in one place, for hours, drinking and smoking.
My daughter first recognized the signs, and began to try to get me to stop. God how I wish I'd listened, but I was in such denial. Daddy and I had become so close in those last years, but his guilt over his life kept him from saying anything negative to me. On the day I found he'd had a stroke, the planets aligned and collided, and I ended up with a DUI (long story, but I wasn't driving, and the horrible arresting officer has since been arrested for domestic abuse) No excuse, just what is public record, and the fact.
Daddy died, after a rapid and excruciating decline, and 19 months later, Momma joined him. I was still working a great paying but physically destructive job. With my inheritance, I was able to quit my job outright and begin my rental management. My drinking was completely out of control - as long as I was awake, and as long as I had AL. I did HUGELY embarrassing things in public. I made phone calls I suffered over the next day. All the things people do on their occasional drunken sprees, I did daily.
I finally went to Florida for rehab. It was a pivotal point in my life. So many things happened there, it's another thread. Though it didn't 'take' immediately, the things I learned there will always be with me, as are the thoughts of the people I lived with who I've learned didn't make it. I still had bad episodes occasionally, and didn't find the unadulterated concern and friendship I'd never had until I came here. For years, the only people I had to talk to were the people in my family who needed something. Then, by God's on Hand, I found MWO. I don't think I can express how this place has changed my life, how it has brought people from all the globe who are now my heart kin. There are people who like me, people who don't. That's fine, it's the way life's supposed to be, I finally understand. Its not important that you all love me, and it's not my job to make you happy. (WHEW Thats a load off) People who UNDERSTAND, who've been through their own 'cycle of life' with alcohol, and found the exit to sanity. As much as I love my family, my friends, there is no other place I can find the understanding, the compassion, the support, and, yes, the love I have found here.
BTW: If this story influences ONE (hopefully more!) person to post here, to join in, GREAT. If you're out there, reading, not posting, and you have questions I might help with, PM me. I'd love to see more involvement here!
I met Hubs when we were both 15, in high school. Incredibly, the 2 male teachers I mentioned tried to talk me out of dating him! At the time, he was much more interested than me, but he was so sweet, solid, comforting, and he obviously loved me. The adults in my life told me he wasn't good enough for me, not in my class. Imagine that. 40+ years later, I'm still wondering what they meant.
I went to college, he went to technical school, and he made the trip to see me, at his expense, every chance he got. I transferred to a closer college, against the advice of my mentors at the first college, to be closer to him. He proposed, I accepted, and many people thought I had ruined my life.
I never had a drink until I'd been married 4 years. It was easy to take it or leave it. We weren't partyers, we quickly had a baby we both adored, then he decided to take a better job, where he is today. He liked being just the two of us, and gradually, with his job taking more time and me raising our children, we became more isolated. I worked, getting any job I applied for easily. We were not good with our money, we didn't plan well, but I was immersed in our children, doing the things he didn't have time for.
Daddy became an alcoholic, and his life was in a downward spiral. Momma depended on me, leaned on me to make things right, take care of her. I went places, confronted Daddy, became the 'force' in our family, while working, raising my children, being a wife. My sister ran away and married in Mexico, and I dragged them back and forced them to face the parents, try to set up a home. This was the first of my sister's 4 marriages. My brother was a pothead, was involved in some ugly situations Daddy and I got him out of, then married his wife today, and suddenly became a 'Holier Than Thou' convert who loved to point out other's faults.
Daddy got sick in 1985. I drove him the hours back and forth to doctors appointments, talked to him, and loved him more than I can say as he admitted the things that drove him to his current state, and focused all his love and attention on his family, especially his grandchildren.He was like a Pied Piper - you never knew what he would bring home in a fit of whimsy, to delight everyone but Momma.
Hubs was working more and more, often away from home for months. Once, in 1985, just when Daddy got sick, I came down with the flu, and almost died. Hubs was working out of town, I couldn't ask Momma for help, my siblings wouldn't help, and I was left desperately sick, home with my 12 and 15 y/o. Several people I knew died from the same flu. Hubs appeared one day, unexpectedly. My little girl had called him. She and her brother had been trying to keep the house, feed themselves, go to school, and worry that I would be dead when they came home. Hubs picked me up with my blankets and took me straight to the ER, where I was admitted for a week. The docs said they didn't know how I survived. I'd lost 25# in 10 days. My mother never visited me, and I told her by phone I couldn't see Daddy and risk getting him sick.
After that, the pressure of raising teens basically alone eventually led to me drinking more and more. I'd never been told there was any danger. I did it secretly, I thought, and the amount increased substantially, as well as the time of day I'd drink. Our son went through some terrible relationships, married (badly) 3 times, and our daughter left home for college as soon as possible. One point of pride: both our children have our strong work ethic. They both started to earn money as soon as possible, and continue to this day. After our daughter left home, though I was working in a physically demanding job, I was basically alone most of the time. Hubs would go in on an emergency and I might not see him again for several days. We had no close friends, no social outlets, nothing. I sat home and drank, as much and as often as possible. Some days I sat in one place, for hours, drinking and smoking.
My daughter first recognized the signs, and began to try to get me to stop. God how I wish I'd listened, but I was in such denial. Daddy and I had become so close in those last years, but his guilt over his life kept him from saying anything negative to me. On the day I found he'd had a stroke, the planets aligned and collided, and I ended up with a DUI (long story, but I wasn't driving, and the horrible arresting officer has since been arrested for domestic abuse) No excuse, just what is public record, and the fact.
Daddy died, after a rapid and excruciating decline, and 19 months later, Momma joined him. I was still working a great paying but physically destructive job. With my inheritance, I was able to quit my job outright and begin my rental management. My drinking was completely out of control - as long as I was awake, and as long as I had AL. I did HUGELY embarrassing things in public. I made phone calls I suffered over the next day. All the things people do on their occasional drunken sprees, I did daily.
I finally went to Florida for rehab. It was a pivotal point in my life. So many things happened there, it's another thread. Though it didn't 'take' immediately, the things I learned there will always be with me, as are the thoughts of the people I lived with who I've learned didn't make it. I still had bad episodes occasionally, and didn't find the unadulterated concern and friendship I'd never had until I came here. For years, the only people I had to talk to were the people in my family who needed something. Then, by God's on Hand, I found MWO. I don't think I can express how this place has changed my life, how it has brought people from all the globe who are now my heart kin. There are people who like me, people who don't. That's fine, it's the way life's supposed to be, I finally understand. Its not important that you all love me, and it's not my job to make you happy. (WHEW Thats a load off) People who UNDERSTAND, who've been through their own 'cycle of life' with alcohol, and found the exit to sanity. As much as I love my family, my friends, there is no other place I can find the understanding, the compassion, the support, and, yes, the love I have found here.
BTW: If this story influences ONE (hopefully more!) person to post here, to join in, GREAT. If you're out there, reading, not posting, and you have questions I might help with, PM me. I'd love to see more involvement here!
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
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