Ugh, I don't know where to start. I've ALWAYS had a problem knowing when to stop grabbing another beer...but now I have come to an all-time low because I am drinking every night.
My hubby and I have always been social drinkers...at parties, sporting events, at home on the weekends. But a little over a year ago I found out he was having an affair w/one of my closest friends. That pain and sadness was so severe I started drinking every night I got home from work to dull the feelings. I needed to be numb. Not that it helped all that much because the AL also depressed me to the point of crying my eyes out each night. Yes, we sought out counseling and decided to repair our marriage instead of breaking it up. I continued to drink each night and he continued to allow it since he knew I was so hurt and needed that crutch.
The problem is that I've come to enjoy the numbness so much that I do it daily still. At least a 6-pack a night or a bottle of wine. I drink until I black out - not pass out - but I am still fully functioning having talks w/my spouse or young kids. The thing is I don't remember any of it the next day and my husband will say "you already told me that." How embarrassing?!? But if I don't have a drink, I can't fall asleep and have to take sleeping pills. When I am sober and go to bed...all I see in my head is my hubby and this woman. It's awful. Drinking helps that.
I LIKE to drink. I LIKE the feeling I get from it. I don't want to quit, I want to moderate. Why can't my body just say "3 beers is enough" or "2 glasses of wine is enough" - it kills me that other people can stop and i can't. I hate myself each morning and I'm FULL of insecurity that has been multiplied 100x over now knowing my husband went elsewhere for sex/attention.
I know I'm rambling and going all over the place with this, and I feel like I have so much to say. It seems that I find any excuse now to grab a drink...tough day at work, had something trigger memories of the affair...blah blah blah. The thing is, while I am beating myself up each day, my husband has NO CLUE how bad it really is. Last night I drank a whole bottle of wine. I have no recollection of going to bed. This morning when I woke up, I asked him who won the basketball game and he said "it was over before you went to bed, you saw the end...jeesh, you really didn't drink that much, how could you not know?"
Really didn't drink that much?????? WHAT? I finished a bottle of wine for crying out loud! So anyhow, I'm here and need to really fix things. About 6 months ago I bought the MWO book and some kudzu and L-Glut...don't feel like it worked at all (the meds part). Maybe I didn't take the right amount, but I went ahead yesterday and bought a bottle of Topa from River Pharmacy. I'm too humiliated to tell my Dr. that I need it so for now, I will buy online.
I PRAY that it works for me. I hope I have no side effects as I need to be a functioning wife, mother, employee. I have no-one to really turn to, don't have many close friends (don't want any now either) and not sure if I should tell my husband how bad it really is.
Thanks for reading. :new:
My hubby and I have always been social drinkers...at parties, sporting events, at home on the weekends. But a little over a year ago I found out he was having an affair w/one of my closest friends. That pain and sadness was so severe I started drinking every night I got home from work to dull the feelings. I needed to be numb. Not that it helped all that much because the AL also depressed me to the point of crying my eyes out each night. Yes, we sought out counseling and decided to repair our marriage instead of breaking it up. I continued to drink each night and he continued to allow it since he knew I was so hurt and needed that crutch.
The problem is that I've come to enjoy the numbness so much that I do it daily still. At least a 6-pack a night or a bottle of wine. I drink until I black out - not pass out - but I am still fully functioning having talks w/my spouse or young kids. The thing is I don't remember any of it the next day and my husband will say "you already told me that." How embarrassing?!? But if I don't have a drink, I can't fall asleep and have to take sleeping pills. When I am sober and go to bed...all I see in my head is my hubby and this woman. It's awful. Drinking helps that.
I LIKE to drink. I LIKE the feeling I get from it. I don't want to quit, I want to moderate. Why can't my body just say "3 beers is enough" or "2 glasses of wine is enough" - it kills me that other people can stop and i can't. I hate myself each morning and I'm FULL of insecurity that has been multiplied 100x over now knowing my husband went elsewhere for sex/attention.
I know I'm rambling and going all over the place with this, and I feel like I have so much to say. It seems that I find any excuse now to grab a drink...tough day at work, had something trigger memories of the affair...blah blah blah. The thing is, while I am beating myself up each day, my husband has NO CLUE how bad it really is. Last night I drank a whole bottle of wine. I have no recollection of going to bed. This morning when I woke up, I asked him who won the basketball game and he said "it was over before you went to bed, you saw the end...jeesh, you really didn't drink that much, how could you not know?"
Really didn't drink that much?????? WHAT? I finished a bottle of wine for crying out loud! So anyhow, I'm here and need to really fix things. About 6 months ago I bought the MWO book and some kudzu and L-Glut...don't feel like it worked at all (the meds part). Maybe I didn't take the right amount, but I went ahead yesterday and bought a bottle of Topa from River Pharmacy. I'm too humiliated to tell my Dr. that I need it so for now, I will buy online.
I PRAY that it works for me. I hope I have no side effects as I need to be a functioning wife, mother, employee. I have no-one to really turn to, don't have many close friends (don't want any now either) and not sure if I should tell my husband how bad it really is.
Thanks for reading. :new:
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