Hello everyone. Well I have been frequenting this site for the past few months and have had many, many AF days, but it only takes a few Non-AF days to get right back to start. I am a 25 year old woman with the world in her hands. I recently got married to the most handsome, sensitive man I have ever met and I have a beautiful 6 year old daughter. I attend school online and I only have to work a few days a week while getting paid very well. My ex-husband and I are good terms (yes, was married for a short while before ending up with my soul mate). I have just found out that I am an overall unhappy person. I see the negative in everything and I am very quick to get defensive. I know some of my issues stem from childhood and previous drug abuse but at some point we all have to take responsibility for who we are and what we have become. I know I am an alcoholic because it "hooks" me and I become a mean, stupid person when I drink.
I have gotten better with frequency, but it only takes one time for my daughter to see me hit my husband in a drunken stupor and never feel truly "safe" again. I grew up with alcohol around and I was terrified...now doing it in my own family! Let's not even begin with the shame I feel! I am a very proud person (which also brings the wonderful automatic defensivness) and I want to crawl into a hole after I drink. I am strange, I have no balance. I am either extremely disciplined (workout 2 hours a day, eat only salad with chicken and fat free dressing and get very little sleep because I am going over what I need to get done the next day) OR extremely extravegant (eat breakfast burritos, drink whatever alcohol is in the house whenever I feel like it and lay in bed feeling sorry for myself). I have done well without drinking the past few weeks and the last few days have gone on a strong binge. I am SO TIRED! Why me? I feel self pity...it is not fair I have this shameful problem!! And I am angry, alcohol is so glorified!!! It causes so many deaths, divorces and sickness and it is everywhere I look! I really didn't know what a negative person I was until recent when I had stopped drinking for a few weeks and still was the first to point out all the horrific rain that caused the breath-taking rainbow. I want to be happy and I, for once in my "all-knowing and discipline" have no idea what the next step is, but it has to be forward. For my husband. For my daughter. For me.
I have gotten better with frequency, but it only takes one time for my daughter to see me hit my husband in a drunken stupor and never feel truly "safe" again. I grew up with alcohol around and I was terrified...now doing it in my own family! Let's not even begin with the shame I feel! I am a very proud person (which also brings the wonderful automatic defensivness) and I want to crawl into a hole after I drink. I am strange, I have no balance. I am either extremely disciplined (workout 2 hours a day, eat only salad with chicken and fat free dressing and get very little sleep because I am going over what I need to get done the next day) OR extremely extravegant (eat breakfast burritos, drink whatever alcohol is in the house whenever I feel like it and lay in bed feeling sorry for myself). I have done well without drinking the past few weeks and the last few days have gone on a strong binge. I am SO TIRED! Why me? I feel self pity...it is not fair I have this shameful problem!! And I am angry, alcohol is so glorified!!! It causes so many deaths, divorces and sickness and it is everywhere I look! I really didn't know what a negative person I was until recent when I had stopped drinking for a few weeks and still was the first to point out all the horrific rain that caused the breath-taking rainbow. I want to be happy and I, for once in my "all-knowing and discipline" have no idea what the next step is, but it has to be forward. For my husband. For my daughter. For me.
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake,
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