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Obviously my name is not Frangipani but it is a beautiful tropical flower that I think will be added to my body art once I feel I deserve it. Once I feel I have become the beautiful Frangipani that I think I have the potential to be. Once I feel I have finally wiped out my binge alcohol drinking problem for good. Once I no longer drink at all because I am now pretty darn sure that I can only binge drink and not enjoy one glass of red wine or one fun little umbrella drink. It's hard to think/know that I can never have an alcohol beverage again because I can't handle it. Although, couldn't I do that if I knew my life would end if I had ONE more drink? Of course I could give it up then! No problem. I sometimes wish that for some reason I had an affliction that dictated if I EVER have one more alcohol beverage it will certainly kill me. It's not going to be that easy though. I have to do the work.
I'm nearly 36 and I've always been a binge drinker. I've always drank for "fun." I've always gone out with the goal of getting smashed. When I was in my twenties and freshly in the military, we all got drunk on the weekends. The ones who didn't were the "dorks" who stayed and hung around the dorms. Inevitably though, I got completely drunk and out of control and one friend or another walked me back to the dorm or got into a fight with me because I was being problematic and they were trying to get me under control. During my binges, I either felt super hot, sexy and fearless or super mean and nasty. I Never really just felt chilled out. I thought I was pretty fun mostly. I actually am accused of being really fun and an utter riot, but that's always when I'm sober... oddly. So what's my point of drinking for "fun?" Really, I'm sure I was hot...a hot mess who was made fun of for doing or saying a bunch of idiotic things.
Alcoholism runs in both sides of my family. It runs really deep on my dad's side. I always knew I had the potential for it and that basically, well, I HAD IT! but I downplayed it and became successful so I could say I wasn't like "them." My dad did the same thing. He has lost siblings due to alcoholism and he is the only one who sent himself to AA. To this day he wants to be a social drinker and have that one or two Bud Lights on the golf course. I know he tries hard to drink in moderation but I think he's toeing the line and fighting the urge to want to keep drinking til' he's a sloppy mess. I say I "think" because the ONE time I attempted to talk to him and ask him what kind of alcoholic he was about a year ago, he just told me about all the major problems his siblings have with it and that he suggests I go on an antidepressant because that sure did cure him. It didn't cure him and me, my step-mom, and my two half-siblings know this, but Dad has his games he plays with himself about his personal struggle with alcohol...and I have/had my games I play with myself about alcohol. Here's to no more games for Frangipani though!
I got drunk the first time when I was 14 and I honestly should've been in the hospital that night. From then on I was always the instigator of trying to find out how me and my friends could score alcohol and get drunk. I've actually always been the one who didn't stop drinking until I was vomiting or passed out. There are very few times that I stopped drinking because it was just "time" to stop drinking for the night. Stopping when you know you've had enough didn't occur to me.
So on occassion in my twenties I would get an epiphany that it sucked to wake up hung over every weekend and I would stop drinking for a few weekends and feel really great physically and mentally. But after a while, the "train" as I now refer to it, would start to chug back along the track and I knew it was about time to "tie one on." I would get antsy and just thoroughly excited that soon I was going out to have a "great time" getting completely ripped. When my friends would inform me of everyone going out I would already know it was a night to "party til' ya puke." In my earlier days I didn't care quite as much about that as I do now but I've always suffered from guilt and self-loathing the next day about drinking too much. The guilt is HORRIFIC and I can't wait until a certain time frame goes by because by then I know I will have forgotten about my little bingeing episode and all will be well again in my world. Until the next time of course. Just another little game I play with myself.
So now going into my later thirties I am still that girl who binge drinks...mostly every time. It used to be that I would only drink every two or three months. I mean DRINK period. I don't have to drink all the time but when I do it's quite the festive night. I've tied one on twice now in the last 6 days. To make matters worse, I did it while prescribed narcotic pills for back pain. To make that worse, I mixed them on purpose and purposely ate my pills like freaken' Pez candies because I wanted a heightened sense of drunkeness. For a small female, I've always been able to drink a lot. I also am the type who takes a muscle relaxer for genuine back and hip pain and instead of relaxing and sleeping for 12 hours, cleans the house for five. My chemical make up is very bazaar.
Like others on here, I'm a fairly successful person and to a person who doesn't know me that well they would NEVER think I have this demon train that comes around the bend every so often. I would say I'm known as outgoing, successful, nurturing, funny, and just a crowd pleaser. I'm not saying this to be cocky at all so please, no one think that. I'm simply saying that I suspect the majority of problem drinkers or alcoholics seem like great people who have everything under control. And when they get a little too drunk they just seem like that person who had a whole lot of fun at that party, event, dinner, or whatever. I don't like to share the demon train information with people. I play things down and I always have. Another trick I play on myself are on days when I'm super hung-over. I get up and do laundry and clean like a mad woman and accomplish all kinds of tasks to prove to myself that I'm not hung-over so I must not have drank that much the night before. If I can do all these chores, then I'm fine and I'm just beating myself up mentally for no reason. Everyone goes out on occassion and has a few too many. Why should I judge myself so harshly, right? Well, not everyone goes out with the prediction of drinking twelve drinks, not two. Not everyone has the demon brain train that can't be stopped. I have that brain and I more than know what that train has on its mind and what's it's capable of.
My husband is now devastated. He's my biggest supporter for getting help and he has always taken care of me. I feel bad for him because he doesn't deserve what I put him through. He's the nicest guy ever! My 11 year old son doesn't totally know. He has seen me smashed one time and buzzed a few others. He doesn't like it though. I chalked it up to the fact that sometimes parents have parties where alcohol is and that's it's an adult thing to do on occassion. I don't know if I'll ever share with my son the extent of my problem but he is very wise and I think he knows something isn't quite right but doesn't want to say it. I'm hoping to make it go away forever so I don't have to hear him say it. My ex-husband and father to my son certainly knows but hasn't used the words "alcoholic." He just says I shouldn't get drunk and call people...like him! We share our son long distance due to job circumstances so I miss my son often. Then sometimes when I drink too much I call my son's father and expect him to want to talk to me about our son. Although he is kind about it, it drives him insane! I get that. />
So there's sooooooo many more drinking stories I could share but there's just not enough time left in today. Right now, my goal is to meet people who are "like" me and can relate and to have a support group and I'd love to one day be the support that someone else needs. On days when I'm not binge drinking or beating myself up for having binge drank, I'm a pretty uplifting person. Isn't it so ironic?
So this is the beginning of my story and of my journey. Obviously, any feedback is welcomed.
Obviously my name is not Frangipani but it is a beautiful tropical flower that I think will be added to my body art once I feel I deserve it. Once I feel I have become the beautiful Frangipani that I think I have the potential to be. Once I feel I have finally wiped out my binge alcohol drinking problem for good. Once I no longer drink at all because I am now pretty darn sure that I can only binge drink and not enjoy one glass of red wine or one fun little umbrella drink. It's hard to think/know that I can never have an alcohol beverage again because I can't handle it. Although, couldn't I do that if I knew my life would end if I had ONE more drink? Of course I could give it up then! No problem. I sometimes wish that for some reason I had an affliction that dictated if I EVER have one more alcohol beverage it will certainly kill me. It's not going to be that easy though. I have to do the work.
I'm nearly 36 and I've always been a binge drinker. I've always drank for "fun." I've always gone out with the goal of getting smashed. When I was in my twenties and freshly in the military, we all got drunk on the weekends. The ones who didn't were the "dorks" who stayed and hung around the dorms. Inevitably though, I got completely drunk and out of control and one friend or another walked me back to the dorm or got into a fight with me because I was being problematic and they were trying to get me under control. During my binges, I either felt super hot, sexy and fearless or super mean and nasty. I Never really just felt chilled out. I thought I was pretty fun mostly. I actually am accused of being really fun and an utter riot, but that's always when I'm sober... oddly. So what's my point of drinking for "fun?" Really, I'm sure I was hot...a hot mess who was made fun of for doing or saying a bunch of idiotic things.
Alcoholism runs in both sides of my family. It runs really deep on my dad's side. I always knew I had the potential for it and that basically, well, I HAD IT! but I downplayed it and became successful so I could say I wasn't like "them." My dad did the same thing. He has lost siblings due to alcoholism and he is the only one who sent himself to AA. To this day he wants to be a social drinker and have that one or two Bud Lights on the golf course. I know he tries hard to drink in moderation but I think he's toeing the line and fighting the urge to want to keep drinking til' he's a sloppy mess. I say I "think" because the ONE time I attempted to talk to him and ask him what kind of alcoholic he was about a year ago, he just told me about all the major problems his siblings have with it and that he suggests I go on an antidepressant because that sure did cure him. It didn't cure him and me, my step-mom, and my two half-siblings know this, but Dad has his games he plays with himself about his personal struggle with alcohol...and I have/had my games I play with myself about alcohol. Here's to no more games for Frangipani though!
I got drunk the first time when I was 14 and I honestly should've been in the hospital that night. From then on I was always the instigator of trying to find out how me and my friends could score alcohol and get drunk. I've actually always been the one who didn't stop drinking until I was vomiting or passed out. There are very few times that I stopped drinking because it was just "time" to stop drinking for the night. Stopping when you know you've had enough didn't occur to me.
So on occassion in my twenties I would get an epiphany that it sucked to wake up hung over every weekend and I would stop drinking for a few weekends and feel really great physically and mentally. But after a while, the "train" as I now refer to it, would start to chug back along the track and I knew it was about time to "tie one on." I would get antsy and just thoroughly excited that soon I was going out to have a "great time" getting completely ripped. When my friends would inform me of everyone going out I would already know it was a night to "party til' ya puke." In my earlier days I didn't care quite as much about that as I do now but I've always suffered from guilt and self-loathing the next day about drinking too much. The guilt is HORRIFIC and I can't wait until a certain time frame goes by because by then I know I will have forgotten about my little bingeing episode and all will be well again in my world. Until the next time of course. Just another little game I play with myself.
So now going into my later thirties I am still that girl who binge drinks...mostly every time. It used to be that I would only drink every two or three months. I mean DRINK period. I don't have to drink all the time but when I do it's quite the festive night. I've tied one on twice now in the last 6 days. To make matters worse, I did it while prescribed narcotic pills for back pain. To make that worse, I mixed them on purpose and purposely ate my pills like freaken' Pez candies because I wanted a heightened sense of drunkeness. For a small female, I've always been able to drink a lot. I also am the type who takes a muscle relaxer for genuine back and hip pain and instead of relaxing and sleeping for 12 hours, cleans the house for five. My chemical make up is very bazaar.
Like others on here, I'm a fairly successful person and to a person who doesn't know me that well they would NEVER think I have this demon train that comes around the bend every so often. I would say I'm known as outgoing, successful, nurturing, funny, and just a crowd pleaser. I'm not saying this to be cocky at all so please, no one think that. I'm simply saying that I suspect the majority of problem drinkers or alcoholics seem like great people who have everything under control. And when they get a little too drunk they just seem like that person who had a whole lot of fun at that party, event, dinner, or whatever. I don't like to share the demon train information with people. I play things down and I always have. Another trick I play on myself are on days when I'm super hung-over. I get up and do laundry and clean like a mad woman and accomplish all kinds of tasks to prove to myself that I'm not hung-over so I must not have drank that much the night before. If I can do all these chores, then I'm fine and I'm just beating myself up mentally for no reason. Everyone goes out on occassion and has a few too many. Why should I judge myself so harshly, right? Well, not everyone goes out with the prediction of drinking twelve drinks, not two. Not everyone has the demon brain train that can't be stopped. I have that brain and I more than know what that train has on its mind and what's it's capable of.
My husband is now devastated. He's my biggest supporter for getting help and he has always taken care of me. I feel bad for him because he doesn't deserve what I put him through. He's the nicest guy ever! My 11 year old son doesn't totally know. He has seen me smashed one time and buzzed a few others. He doesn't like it though. I chalked it up to the fact that sometimes parents have parties where alcohol is and that's it's an adult thing to do on occassion. I don't know if I'll ever share with my son the extent of my problem but he is very wise and I think he knows something isn't quite right but doesn't want to say it. I'm hoping to make it go away forever so I don't have to hear him say it. My ex-husband and father to my son certainly knows but hasn't used the words "alcoholic." He just says I shouldn't get drunk and call people...like him! We share our son long distance due to job circumstances so I miss my son often. Then sometimes when I drink too much I call my son's father and expect him to want to talk to me about our son. Although he is kind about it, it drives him insane! I get that. />
So there's sooooooo many more drinking stories I could share but there's just not enough time left in today. Right now, my goal is to meet people who are "like" me and can relate and to have a support group and I'd love to one day be the support that someone else needs. On days when I'm not binge drinking or beating myself up for having binge drank, I'm a pretty uplifting person. Isn't it so ironic?
So this is the beginning of my story and of my journey. Obviously, any feedback is welcomed.
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake,
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