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A little bit of my story

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    A little bit of my story

    This isnt the start or the end but a bit in the middle. I hope to fill in the missing early portions some day soon but it is very hard.

    Did you ever feel like you were walking along a high cliffs edge? For a long time I didnt realise it was even there, I just drank every day, some days not too much but others dangerous amounts. I drank for years and years. One night about two years ago I was very drunk and I glimpsed that cliffs edge through my haze and realised it was a very dangerous place to be. I searched and found the MWO site, oh this looks like just what I need I thought and proceeded to sign up and read. I never will find out if I posted that night because by morning I had a vague recollection of having been here but no idea what my chosen username was never mind the password. Oh well not to worry I thought and went straight back to drinking as normal, well normal for me.
    This brings me forward a year, the drinking was still a daily occurrence but had gotten heavier. After a week long drinking session something in my soggy brain vaguely remembered this site. I crawled back, a mess and I signed up again, this time for real. I didnt know what lay ahead for me but was blown away by, what I can only discribe as a wave of love from you guys, amazing. I sobered up and started clocking the AF days up for the first time in over 20 years. I aimed for 30 days thinking hey I can moderate then but realised as that milestone drew near that was a daft idea so I committed to another 30. The same thing happened when the 60 came close so on I went. The cliff was now far away for I was walking through the long grass in the meadow, the sun was shinning on my face and I was happy for the first time in years. I was learning about me and starting to finally accept me for who I was. I started to actually like the guy who stared back at me in the mirror every morning. My problems were still there but I was growing as a person and better able to face life, sober.
    So 90 days came, great I did it, I accepted the congratulations from the very people who helped me get there. Now surely I can think about having an odd expensive beer or glass or two of fine wine for I have learned the lessons, I know the triggers and that is what I proceeded to do.
    It didnt take long for me to realise it wasnt quite that simple. I saw that I would have to be careful and I was, for a while. Somehow over christmas I let my guard down and the frequency started to go up again. Sure its only a couple and its christmas sure, I told myself. That was nearly six months ago and I havent found the meadow again. Oh I have the directions clearly marked on the map. Granted I havent drank to blackout or fallen over or forgotten what I said or did but is this the best there is? I can clearly see that cliffs edge again and at times I am teetering close to that edge, the soil is loose there and I am aware that I can only walk along here for so long or eventually I will stumble into the abyss.
    I choose the meadow.

    Thank you for reading.
    Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

    #2
    A little bit of my story

    It's your journey - but we can be your handrails at the edge of that cliff.

    :l

    Comment


      #3
      A little bit of my story

      KTAB, thank you for sharing that from the heart. I can really relate to your description of the cliff. You made me remember my own cliff with great and scary clarity. I'm so glad not to be hanging on that ledge any more.

      So many of us try moderation only to find ourselves back where we started. I know I did. I have finally accepted that I can't drink safely now or ever. Once I accepted that, true freedom could begin. I hope it works that way for you too.

      DG
      Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
      Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07


      One day at a time.

      Comment


        #4
        A little bit of my story

        Ktab,
        I have been down that path too. It took me a few years at this site to accept that I could not moderate. Hopefully you will find a solution.
        Love and Peace,
        Phil


        Sobriety Date 12.07.2009

        Comment


          #5
          A little bit of my story

          KTAB, such a heartfelt post. Thank you.
          Yes, I too have wandered near that cliff many times.
          You WILL find your meadow my friend. xxx
          Living now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
          Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009

          Comment


            #6
            A little bit of my story

            Thanks ktab for sharing this,

            you will find your path to your meadow.


            :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

            Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
            I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

            This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

            Comment


              #7
              A little bit of my story

              thanks for sharing ktabs. stay strong xx
              The mind will intellectualize it, the heart will emotionalize it, yet the gut never lies.

              https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9/girly-wirly-s-toolbox-2-45452.html

              Comment


                #8
                A little bit of my story

                Hi Ktab, and thanks for sharing part of your story with us. I am amazed how many intelligent, educated people take up AL to ease the pain of life. I too slowly fell into the trap of AL, over time. Now I find myself spending long hours wondering how to find a new way to live my life, and sometimes longing to escape again with AL. It is certainly strange to feel every emotion now, so acutely...to ride the wave of lifes ups and downs, and in retrospect come to the realisation that I made it through without numbing it all with AL, both this time and yesterday, and the day before. I continue my search for peace in my life without needing AL, but also looking for a full exciting life.
                Its great to have this place to share my life with others, and to listen as others share their thoughts and feelings. I thank you all.
                H
                Allen Carr’s book changed everything for me. The easyway to control alcohol. Highly recommended

                Comment


                  #9
                  A little bit of my story

                  We are having a Free festival in the meadow, the sun is shining, the music sounds great, all our friends are here.

                  We can see the cliff edge from here...it is always visable, just there on the perimeter of our meadow...but we sit in a circle and we hold hands to make sure nobody wanders too close to the edge.

                  Looking towards the Cliff edge now (as us alkies occasionally do) we see a figure approaching, walking tall, straight and confident, as he draws nearer, we smile and make room....

                  Welcome Ktab xxx



                  ps there are loads of chipper vans here too!
                  "It's not your job to like me, it's mine!"

                  AF 10th May 2010
                  NF 12th May 2010

                  Comment


                    #10
                    A little bit of my story

                    one2many;866819 wrote: We are having a Free festival in the meadow, the sun is shining, the music sounds great, all our friends are here.

                    We can see the cliff edge from here...it is always visable, just there on the perimeter of our meadow...but we sit in a circle and we hold hands to make sure nobody wanders too close to the edge.

                    Looking towards the Cliff edge now (as us alkies occasionally do) we see a figure approaching, walking tall, straight and confident, as he draws nearer, we smile and make room....

                    Welcome Ktab xx

                    ps there are loads of chipper vans here too!
                    well said one2many


                    :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

                    Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
                    I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

                    This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      A little bit of my story

                      Thank you all so much for your kind words and never ending support.
                      I dont mind saying that when I logged on last night I was very close to giving up entirely on this. Instead, with no prior intention, I just wrote exactly how I felt. I hope the the first important step has been taken.
                      Ethanol is a toxic chemical, why would I drink it?

                      Comment


                        #12
                        A little bit of my story

                        Love ya KT. Keep going buddy!

                        Greg.

                        'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

                        Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

                        Comment


                          #13
                          A little bit of my story

                          KTAB,

                          Keep walking towards the meadow. Those cliffs are very dangerous. The view from them is compelling but the drop is horrible.

                          Love,
                          Cindi
                          AF April 9, 2016

                          Comment


                            #14
                            A little bit of my story

                            Your heart is in the right place, KTAB.

                            The rest will follow.
                            I'll do whatever it takes
                            AF 21/08/2009

                            Comment


                              #15
                              A little bit of my story

                              Thanks for being here for all of us KT.
                              You'll probably never know how much some of what you say hits deep.
                              Like Oney said, the cliff edge is all too 'visible' and close for most of us and the free-fall sometimes seems so appealing, but I know only too well the consequences of hitting the rocks below.
                              I think you're a good man.
                              Stay well friend.

                              Comment

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