I had my first drink at around 18 or so, I was at a friends house and his mom had leftover beer from some gettogether my first beer was awful
I hated it but I loved the effect it had on me all my worries and anxiety were gone (thinking back on it now I think I developed anxiety at
and early age so booze was a natural remedy for me) after my first beer experience at the same friends house one day when we skipped
school he suggested we have some of his mom's scotch and replace what we took with water, we didn't have enough to get wasted but
we loved the experience nontheless.
At around this time my mom who was never really a big drinker but drank red wine once in a while, bought a huge wine container from one
of those (brew your own wine places) and it was sitting on our balcony ..once this grape juice turned to wine I took some of it every time
I could and secretly drink it, no one ever noticed which encouraged me to keep doing it.. a few years go by
and I get my first real job at around 22 or 23 years of age, before this I had no money to really drink.
So here I am 23 or so with my first paying job and since I was living at home I had all the money in the world to get wasted, the funny
part about alcohol to me is that in high school I picked up this book about drugs and read it 2 or 3 times it had all the info you ever
needed about every street drug in the world... I read it understood it but nowhere in that book there was any real info about booze
so I thought drinking was OK and normal. needless to say I stayed away from all other drugs (even when my idiotic friends pressured me to try them)
but I knew nothing of the dangers of alcohol and at that age I really didn't care.
So with my first full time job it started one day I said to myself at the end of the week when I get paid I will buy what I want and drink it
so I started buying 375ml bottles of vodka and drink it on the way home from work, I sorta made a ritual out of it kinda like my present
to myself for working and doing something fun when I got paid... this lasted 6-8 months then it was twice a week then 3 times
then pretty much every single day... I kept on doing it not only cause it was fun to get wasted at that age but also because I could somehow
always drink a lot and not get sick or puke or get hangovers.... It wasn't until years later that I got my first hangover...
I always used to laugh at other people I drank with when they got hangovers since I never got them... it's like I felt invincible
and that I could drink as much as I pleased..
About a year later I'm around 24 now, is where I met my now current ex-wife.... we clicked and everything was peachy I drank she drove
she never said I drink too much since she used to drink a lot before we met (and she tonned it down) she wasn't a pro drunk like myself.
Everything with her was ok since all her friends and mine drank it was the norm to be out every fri-sat with friends and everyone got
wasted... what no one ever knew that I always drank when I was alone during the week not just on the weekend.
At around this time is when I started thinking to myself that I had a problem... but I didn't care it never made me sick I still
never got hangovers unless I mixed... and I never mixed and always stayed away from mixing booze with juice/soda etc...
I remember seeing that episode of the Simpsons when marge asks homer to stop drinking for a month.. I always wanted to see if I could
do it since I was beggining to think I had a problem... but since I was a perfectly functioning alcoholic I never bothered.
4 years later and I'm now 28 and married still drinking and hiding it... no one ever knew because It was always at night and when
no one was around... once I started living with my wife nothing changed since she had a sleeping disorder and would fall asleep
randomly and it was almost impossible to wake her up... which left me lonely and bored which gave me the perfect excuse to keep
on drinking while she slept... and since she travelled a lot with her job when she wasn't around I would drink alone and watch
tv and play video games as always doing what I wanted... I remember around this time on days when I couldn't drink that I really
started having real problems falling asleep so I'd wait for my wife to pass out then go thru the house to see what was leftover
from parties and dinners that I could drink just so I could fall asleep.... I got to the point where I needed to drink in order
to sleep, yet this didn't stop me not even close... AA to me a was a joke something a 60 year old would do not someone my age...
it's amazing how stupid we can be.
I had night jobs while my wife always had a day job, so hiding it was even easier it never dawned on me to seek help or try to
stop since I still LOVED booze... my grandfather died of alcoholism but he was 77 years old my mom and uncle never as far as
I knew tried to stop him... so as far as I was concerned I still didn't really have a problem since my dear old grandpa did it
and no one tried to stop him (at an AA meeting around 2008 a guy I talked to connected the dots for so to speak, he said "monkey see monkey do"
meaning I probbably chose this path since I spent years watching my grandpa doing it after I told him about my grandpa).
3 more years go by and me and the wife are no longer getting along (everyone is still oblivious to my drinking alone)
we had a fight and decided to split up it was mutual.. and on that night the first thing I did was to leave her in our
heated argument/breakup and drive to the store to get booze (how else was I going to cope with this?!) ...
I stayed at a friend's house and we got loaded.... the next day I went to work fresh as a daisy... I was actually glad
that I was getting divorced (but that's a whole other story and not really relevant to my actual alchohol abuse).
So now I'm 32 and living back home with my family.... in the first 6 months or so is where I really started going overboard
before I would stop at 10-12 beers or a 375ml bottle of vodka scotch or rum... I always had limits for myself but the
divorce spun me out of control..... I got to the point where I was drinking almost a 750ml of scotch daily in about 3-4 hours
and barely eating anything... this made me lose 60lbs since I was overweight at the time the weight lose was actually
a good thing in my mind since it gave me more confidence... I looked better i didn't really have a beer gut anymore and I was
once again single and somewhat happy that I didn't have a nagging wife around (lol)...
so now it's 2007 I meet a really cool girl who I totally fell in love with... she had a huge drug past and was going thru divorce
as well and was off drugs (or so she tells me) long story short here.... I admited my problem to her and that I went to AA and
was trying to stop.... she reacts by dumping me because she thought I would bring her down and influence her (she was
most likely right but the irony is she was still snorting coke)... needless to say this almost destroyed me I was crazy about
her... and even to this day 3 years later I still am...
a few months go by and I started seeing another girl.... this was the glorious day I had my real first blown out panic
attack... it was right after work around 5pm I already had a mickey of scotch with me ready to go after work (and this
time I was glad I had it with me).. I walked outside and started feeling weird/strange like I was chocking my heart
felt like it was coming out of my mouth I couldn't feel my legs from my knees down I thought I was going crazy and
losing my mind I threw out my cigarette and started walking ( it was the only logical thing for me to do, I was
acting on impulse I have no idea what to do) I thought I was going to pass out but never did, these feelings
just kept on getting worse....I kept on walking for 10 minutes or so not knowing what to do and what was happening to me
I turned to my dear old friend booze... I had nothing else in my bag but this bottle I drank 3 quarters of a 375ml of
scotch straight in nearly 10-15 minutes... after about 20 minutes or so I finnaly started to calm down my mind felt
normal again I could feel my legs and the circulation of blood in my lower legs was somewhat normal now...
I called the girl I was seeing and explained to her what just happened.... she was pretty smart and calmed me down
saying I had a panic attack I was close to where she lived so she told me to come over... by the time I got close
to her place the bottle was empty... I wasn't even feeling drunk I just felt normal like I could breathe normal
again and maybe eat something and smoke another ciggarete. Before I got to her place I bought another 750ml bottle
of scotch... got to her place and while she had several beers I finished that whole bottle...
Instead of worrying about what just happened and making sure it never happened again my normal response was to
drink even more and straight sometimes just adding ice, after all I thought I was still invincible...(Duh)
By this time I was blacking out several times a week, this never affected my job so I continued to do it....
after a few weeks this girl calls me over "to talk" she said she had enough of my drinking and my blackouts
(god only knows what I said or did when I blacked out with her, she never told me) and didn't want to see me anymore...
I thought nothing of it that day for some reason and just left... I thought she was crazy since she drank also
but probably not everyday like me!..
Somewhere around 2008 my concience and willpower somehow woke up and I tried to stop cold turkey (at this point
i knew nothing about withdrawels symptoms) I actually quit cold turkey for 5 days, but
it was the most painfull 5 days of my life.... for the first 48 hours I was ok but wasn't able to sleep I went
to work for 2 days with no sleep just loaded on coffee.. on the third day I passed out for maybe 5 hours
exhausted from work and lack of sleep I was 3 days in I though the worst was behind me... on the 4th day
once again I couldn't sleep I ate alot thinking it would make me pass out.. I stayed up all night again
and then went to work (I can be stubborn lol) after 4 days of hell at around 9pm I called work and called
in sick... in my weakened tired no sleep state I drove myself to the store and bought a bottle... I waited
till midnight or 1am tossing and turning trying to sleep...I kept telling myself I got 4 days I can QUIT
but I couldn't sleep... I waited till after midnight saying to myself "at least I was able to quit
for 5 full days" then I finnaly gave in and drank again.... the insomnia was killing me I was no longer
a functioning alcoholic.... I was out of control.... but this didn't stop here....after this I continued
to drink just less amounts just enought to put me to sleep.... I surrendered to the idea that I was no
longer in charge of booze it was the other way around...and I was very angry at myself!
At some point in 2008 I ended up in an after hours bar at 3am, after already drinking since 9pm that day.
the whole night is a blur all I remember was talking alot to some girls... I blacked out at some point
during the night when I came out of my blackout I was being thrown out of the bar by 3 guys.. when I
got outside I was in shock that it was light out... it was 6 or 7 am.... I looked inside my wallet
and it was empty (I had 300$ on me that night) ... one of the girls I was talking to inside the bar
follows me out she snuck out 2 beers for me and wanted me to come to her place...
Why anyone in their right mind would wanna sleep with me after seeing me in that condition that night is beyond me.
(I musta had close to 25 drinks or more that day )Needless to say this was one of those hitting buttom
kinda experiences that really wakes you up...
at this point we're in a cab I blacked out again the next thing I know it's 10am and I'm having
intercourse with a total stranger I don't even know her name... what happened between 7-10am remains unknown...
coming out of a blackout while you're having sex is a very strange experience I didn't know if I was
dreaming or I was actually awake... I think I came very close to alcohol poisoning that night..
Afterward she threw me out saying I couldn't stay there to sleep.... I left went to a
store bought some water and some soda to try to sober myself up.... I somehow made it home in one
piece and slept for about 16 hours or so (it was the weekend so I was safe)...
I never heard from that girl again obviously...I really hated myself after that experience and said never
again.... since then I still drank but never left the house...and from 2008 up to now was a constant
struggle to drink less and less while trying to eventually quit....
end result I went to my doctor and confessed.... and now I have 16 days AF the most days I've had sober since I was 23! I am now 35... I left out a lot of other stuff but the end result that everyone must realize....( I don't remember where I heard it)
"this is no way to live, it's a way to die"
thanks if you actually read all that!
I hated it but I loved the effect it had on me all my worries and anxiety were gone (thinking back on it now I think I developed anxiety at
and early age so booze was a natural remedy for me) after my first beer experience at the same friends house one day when we skipped
school he suggested we have some of his mom's scotch and replace what we took with water, we didn't have enough to get wasted but
we loved the experience nontheless.
At around this time my mom who was never really a big drinker but drank red wine once in a while, bought a huge wine container from one
of those (brew your own wine places) and it was sitting on our balcony ..once this grape juice turned to wine I took some of it every time
I could and secretly drink it, no one ever noticed which encouraged me to keep doing it.. a few years go by
and I get my first real job at around 22 or 23 years of age, before this I had no money to really drink.
So here I am 23 or so with my first paying job and since I was living at home I had all the money in the world to get wasted, the funny
part about alcohol to me is that in high school I picked up this book about drugs and read it 2 or 3 times it had all the info you ever
needed about every street drug in the world... I read it understood it but nowhere in that book there was any real info about booze
so I thought drinking was OK and normal. needless to say I stayed away from all other drugs (even when my idiotic friends pressured me to try them)
but I knew nothing of the dangers of alcohol and at that age I really didn't care.
So with my first full time job it started one day I said to myself at the end of the week when I get paid I will buy what I want and drink it
so I started buying 375ml bottles of vodka and drink it on the way home from work, I sorta made a ritual out of it kinda like my present
to myself for working and doing something fun when I got paid... this lasted 6-8 months then it was twice a week then 3 times
then pretty much every single day... I kept on doing it not only cause it was fun to get wasted at that age but also because I could somehow
always drink a lot and not get sick or puke or get hangovers.... It wasn't until years later that I got my first hangover...
I always used to laugh at other people I drank with when they got hangovers since I never got them... it's like I felt invincible
and that I could drink as much as I pleased..
About a year later I'm around 24 now, is where I met my now current ex-wife.... we clicked and everything was peachy I drank she drove
she never said I drink too much since she used to drink a lot before we met (and she tonned it down) she wasn't a pro drunk like myself.
Everything with her was ok since all her friends and mine drank it was the norm to be out every fri-sat with friends and everyone got
wasted... what no one ever knew that I always drank when I was alone during the week not just on the weekend.
At around this time is when I started thinking to myself that I had a problem... but I didn't care it never made me sick I still
never got hangovers unless I mixed... and I never mixed and always stayed away from mixing booze with juice/soda etc...
I remember seeing that episode of the Simpsons when marge asks homer to stop drinking for a month.. I always wanted to see if I could
do it since I was beggining to think I had a problem... but since I was a perfectly functioning alcoholic I never bothered.
4 years later and I'm now 28 and married still drinking and hiding it... no one ever knew because It was always at night and when
no one was around... once I started living with my wife nothing changed since she had a sleeping disorder and would fall asleep
randomly and it was almost impossible to wake her up... which left me lonely and bored which gave me the perfect excuse to keep
on drinking while she slept... and since she travelled a lot with her job when she wasn't around I would drink alone and watch
tv and play video games as always doing what I wanted... I remember around this time on days when I couldn't drink that I really
started having real problems falling asleep so I'd wait for my wife to pass out then go thru the house to see what was leftover
from parties and dinners that I could drink just so I could fall asleep.... I got to the point where I needed to drink in order
to sleep, yet this didn't stop me not even close... AA to me a was a joke something a 60 year old would do not someone my age...
it's amazing how stupid we can be.
I had night jobs while my wife always had a day job, so hiding it was even easier it never dawned on me to seek help or try to
stop since I still LOVED booze... my grandfather died of alcoholism but he was 77 years old my mom and uncle never as far as
I knew tried to stop him... so as far as I was concerned I still didn't really have a problem since my dear old grandpa did it
and no one tried to stop him (at an AA meeting around 2008 a guy I talked to connected the dots for so to speak, he said "monkey see monkey do"
meaning I probbably chose this path since I spent years watching my grandpa doing it after I told him about my grandpa).
3 more years go by and me and the wife are no longer getting along (everyone is still oblivious to my drinking alone)
we had a fight and decided to split up it was mutual.. and on that night the first thing I did was to leave her in our
heated argument/breakup and drive to the store to get booze (how else was I going to cope with this?!) ...
I stayed at a friend's house and we got loaded.... the next day I went to work fresh as a daisy... I was actually glad
that I was getting divorced (but that's a whole other story and not really relevant to my actual alchohol abuse).
So now I'm 32 and living back home with my family.... in the first 6 months or so is where I really started going overboard
before I would stop at 10-12 beers or a 375ml bottle of vodka scotch or rum... I always had limits for myself but the
divorce spun me out of control..... I got to the point where I was drinking almost a 750ml of scotch daily in about 3-4 hours
and barely eating anything... this made me lose 60lbs since I was overweight at the time the weight lose was actually
a good thing in my mind since it gave me more confidence... I looked better i didn't really have a beer gut anymore and I was
once again single and somewhat happy that I didn't have a nagging wife around (lol)...
so now it's 2007 I meet a really cool girl who I totally fell in love with... she had a huge drug past and was going thru divorce
as well and was off drugs (or so she tells me) long story short here.... I admited my problem to her and that I went to AA and
was trying to stop.... she reacts by dumping me because she thought I would bring her down and influence her (she was
most likely right but the irony is she was still snorting coke)... needless to say this almost destroyed me I was crazy about
her... and even to this day 3 years later I still am...
a few months go by and I started seeing another girl.... this was the glorious day I had my real first blown out panic
attack... it was right after work around 5pm I already had a mickey of scotch with me ready to go after work (and this
time I was glad I had it with me).. I walked outside and started feeling weird/strange like I was chocking my heart
felt like it was coming out of my mouth I couldn't feel my legs from my knees down I thought I was going crazy and
losing my mind I threw out my cigarette and started walking ( it was the only logical thing for me to do, I was
acting on impulse I have no idea what to do) I thought I was going to pass out but never did, these feelings
just kept on getting worse....I kept on walking for 10 minutes or so not knowing what to do and what was happening to me
I turned to my dear old friend booze... I had nothing else in my bag but this bottle I drank 3 quarters of a 375ml of
scotch straight in nearly 10-15 minutes... after about 20 minutes or so I finnaly started to calm down my mind felt
normal again I could feel my legs and the circulation of blood in my lower legs was somewhat normal now...
I called the girl I was seeing and explained to her what just happened.... she was pretty smart and calmed me down
saying I had a panic attack I was close to where she lived so she told me to come over... by the time I got close
to her place the bottle was empty... I wasn't even feeling drunk I just felt normal like I could breathe normal
again and maybe eat something and smoke another ciggarete. Before I got to her place I bought another 750ml bottle
of scotch... got to her place and while she had several beers I finished that whole bottle...
Instead of worrying about what just happened and making sure it never happened again my normal response was to
drink even more and straight sometimes just adding ice, after all I thought I was still invincible...(Duh)
By this time I was blacking out several times a week, this never affected my job so I continued to do it....
after a few weeks this girl calls me over "to talk" she said she had enough of my drinking and my blackouts
(god only knows what I said or did when I blacked out with her, she never told me) and didn't want to see me anymore...
I thought nothing of it that day for some reason and just left... I thought she was crazy since she drank also
but probably not everyday like me!..
Somewhere around 2008 my concience and willpower somehow woke up and I tried to stop cold turkey (at this point
i knew nothing about withdrawels symptoms) I actually quit cold turkey for 5 days, but
it was the most painfull 5 days of my life.... for the first 48 hours I was ok but wasn't able to sleep I went
to work for 2 days with no sleep just loaded on coffee.. on the third day I passed out for maybe 5 hours
exhausted from work and lack of sleep I was 3 days in I though the worst was behind me... on the 4th day
once again I couldn't sleep I ate alot thinking it would make me pass out.. I stayed up all night again
and then went to work (I can be stubborn lol) after 4 days of hell at around 9pm I called work and called
in sick... in my weakened tired no sleep state I drove myself to the store and bought a bottle... I waited
till midnight or 1am tossing and turning trying to sleep...I kept telling myself I got 4 days I can QUIT
but I couldn't sleep... I waited till after midnight saying to myself "at least I was able to quit
for 5 full days" then I finnaly gave in and drank again.... the insomnia was killing me I was no longer
a functioning alcoholic.... I was out of control.... but this didn't stop here....after this I continued
to drink just less amounts just enought to put me to sleep.... I surrendered to the idea that I was no
longer in charge of booze it was the other way around...and I was very angry at myself!
At some point in 2008 I ended up in an after hours bar at 3am, after already drinking since 9pm that day.
the whole night is a blur all I remember was talking alot to some girls... I blacked out at some point
during the night when I came out of my blackout I was being thrown out of the bar by 3 guys.. when I
got outside I was in shock that it was light out... it was 6 or 7 am.... I looked inside my wallet
and it was empty (I had 300$ on me that night) ... one of the girls I was talking to inside the bar
follows me out she snuck out 2 beers for me and wanted me to come to her place...
Why anyone in their right mind would wanna sleep with me after seeing me in that condition that night is beyond me.
(I musta had close to 25 drinks or more that day )Needless to say this was one of those hitting buttom
kinda experiences that really wakes you up...
at this point we're in a cab I blacked out again the next thing I know it's 10am and I'm having
intercourse with a total stranger I don't even know her name... what happened between 7-10am remains unknown...
coming out of a blackout while you're having sex is a very strange experience I didn't know if I was
dreaming or I was actually awake... I think I came very close to alcohol poisoning that night..
Afterward she threw me out saying I couldn't stay there to sleep.... I left went to a
store bought some water and some soda to try to sober myself up.... I somehow made it home in one
piece and slept for about 16 hours or so (it was the weekend so I was safe)...
I never heard from that girl again obviously...I really hated myself after that experience and said never
again.... since then I still drank but never left the house...and from 2008 up to now was a constant
struggle to drink less and less while trying to eventually quit....
end result I went to my doctor and confessed.... and now I have 16 days AF the most days I've had sober since I was 23! I am now 35... I left out a lot of other stuff but the end result that everyone must realize....( I don't remember where I heard it)
"this is no way to live, it's a way to die"
thanks if you actually read all that!
and yea of course I'm on anti depressants for panic attacks and benzos
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