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[looking for peace]

I had a pretty good few months but sadly my July has been bad drink wise. I have had only 2 sober days since July 1st. I am just plain sad and see no hope for my future. I think I just want to vent. So, I decided to share my story.

I have had problems with alcohol for almost 25 years. I have used it to cope with everything in my adult life so far.

I don't want to tell a really long story, so here is some of what has been bothering me lately. I am turning 50 in exactly 98 days and that fact is really upsetting me. I have been married for 19 years to a controlling man who I realize I don't really love and dread spending my old age with (if I even make it that long), I have moved three times to completely different areas of the US. The last move was almost 2 years ago and I haven't really made friends and I regret the move on so many levels.

I have two sons. One is 16 an will be going to college in 2 years and I know he won't be back much to visit (wants to get away from his controlling dad) My other son is 15 and is autistic and that's a whole other issue. I love him dearly but I worry about his future and I feel that at a time when other women my age are starting to get some freedom and are maybe looking to start their second act, I am seeing my future as being tied to an autistic adult. I can't even leave my house for 15 minutes without having someone in the house. It's one thing finding a babysitter for a 6 year old and another to find a "caregiver" for a 15 year old. It's tough.

I wanted to make plans with my sister to go away for my 50th birthday, but I have no one to watch my son. So, I probably won't be able to do that.

I have 2 sisters that I have become more distant with, geographically and emotionally. I have parents that are old and will need care soon. They live about 5 hours away. My husband has no family at all.

I feel like I have no friends and if I were to die today, no one would come to my funeral.

I feel like I gave away my life to be a wife and mother and there is nothing left of the old me at all. There is just no spark left in me.

When I don't drink (which is rare lately) I just mull over all of the poor choices I have made and how I have messed up my life. I feel proud of myself when I don't drink, but I can't stand facing my life as it is now and my future. I know full well that drinking caused many of my poor choices in the first place... The old catch 22.

Please give me some suggestions on how to turn myself around??? :upset:

[mario]

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Hi looking for peace
Cant really comment on your personell problems at home but surely your husband has some reposibility to your son,I can tell you that if you keep drinking you will surely be left with nothing & nobody,hope fully some one will drop by soon that can give you a some more advice, Something will change for the good if you really want it to but remember looking for peace. nothing changes if nothing changes.

[one2many]

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Hey there Peace,

What a very honest post. I feel for you and what you are going thru.

You have friends here, lots of friends..ok? that is the first thing.

KEEP coming back, post how you are feeling, ask for help, read the threads, you have a MWO family RIGHT HERE.

Next thing we need to do is tackle the drinking, I do understand that you feel lonely and lost and overwhelmed and you just give in when the booze comes calling but you KNOW it aint doing to any good, in fect it is making you MORE depressed, MORE isolated and MORE frutrated.

So lets get a plan together for you.....that is No 1 priority...get rid of the booze and them work on the other aspects of your life that you can change...EVERYones life can be changed....but getting the booze out is a must because it just hinders things and totally blinkers how we see our life....it is not the solution.

We are all here for you and will help and advise all we can, not saying we have all the answers but we can bloody well help you find them...

So let's go.......let's get a plan and sort this shit out.......

You CAN do it....I promise you that....

[greeneyes]

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Hi Peace and thanks for sharing your story.

Peace, you sound like quite a "giver". Sometimes that can deplete you. How about if you direct that inwards and take care of yourself for a while. Don't focus on the past or future, both are out of your control. Right now, today, you can help your situation by doing what oney and mario said and that is stop drinking. Even if things don't actually change much at first, they will sure look a hell of a lot better and you will feel empowered to take charge and turn things around. You can re-read the Toolbox and "What's Your Sobriety Plan?" threads and begin to formulate a plan and diligently follow it. This IS doable!

[Miss October]

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looking for peace,

My heart goes out to you. Dealing with an alcohol addiction and a son with autism is not easy. My SIL has a 15 year old son with autism, and I do not know how she handles it. She is in her 50's and does not drink and never has, but it still makes your life difficult. Have you tried an online support group for parents with autistic children. Maybe they could give you advice that we cannot.

I hope you soon find peace and much needed support in your life that you deserve. Please take care.

[hippie37]

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I was someone that "didn't do angry"... or so I thought! Yet what I realised was, that a lot of my self pitying attitude was of my own making due to turning the anger in on myself and not expressing it in a healthy way.

I so applaud your honesty in talking of your son. If the truth be known I never really wanted children. I played out the role of wanting to be a father hoping it would make me normal somehow and cure me of my addiction. "If I can just be like 'normal' people, have a family, get a job, go on holiday etc. maybe my life will change for the better". Of course, it never did because it was me that was the problem and no outside things were going to fix me.

I'm so proud of being a father today, even though I find it a struggle at times. I can easily fall back into being self centred and thinking that my daughter is holding me back in life. "If I didn't have responsibilities to my daughter, I could move abroad!" That's the big one for me at the moment! I know to some this may sound harsh but it's about being true to how you really feel no matter how harsh it sounds to others. It's what got me well, was being true to my feelings and not hiding from them in case someone else thought I was being a bastard. At the end of the day the only person that matters is you. You have as much right as anyone to express your feelings without fear of judgment by anyone. You just have to be careful who you chose to do that with and especially not whilst your still drinking. There was no way in hell I could relate my real feelings to anyone whilst I was still caught up making judgments, rationalising and justifying my behaviour and turning it all in on myself and making myself out to be the victim in life. But once I became aware of these behaviours and saw them for what they where I was able to start accepting responsibility for me life. I'm not perfect, as I said earlier I still have moments of self pity and "what about poor little old me" Why can't I do the things I want to do without having to be answerable to people (namely my daughter). We make of our lives what we want to. We can either see our lives as over, going nowhere and be resentful of that fact; or we can live our lives with compassion and love in our hearts for others and be grateful for the simple things in life. Sometimes I just have to see my daughter laugh at something stupid and I connect with her innocence and her spirit. It can be such a beautiful moment of clarity that the world doesn't revolve around me. These moments of connection at a deep level with not only my daughter but other people is why I get out of bed in the morning. It's a beautiful world if you choose to see it that way.

Many Blessings
Phil

[Marshy]

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Hi looking for peace,

Is there a local organisation that can help take care of your son to give you a break sometimes? Also, I don't see why your husband can't look after him for a few days while you go away with your sister.

AA might be a way of making friends and helping with the drinking at the same time.

And, also, if you "dread" the future with your husband is it time to think about making some big changes? Would you be happier without him?

You're ONLY 50 (almost!) - you've got loads of time ahead to make changes in your life.

[Pride before Fall]

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Peace,

Everyone one in your life, as you describe it, you are taking care of; no one is taking care of you, not even (and most especially) yourself. It's easy to fool yourself that AL is a painkiller, when all it's doing is exacerbating existing problems and fueling the sense of hopelessness you're obviously feeling (not judging here; I've felt like you feel, even believed that when my dog died I would have no one).

It's tough to have friends if you can't leave the house for 15 minutes. You need respite care, badly. Many agencies (and churches) provide this. If your son is so functionally disabled as to need 24-hour supervision, you must--MUST--also consider residential long-term care where you can visit regularly, love him and care for him, but have a life as well.

I went looking and found many, many respite care resources at autism.org.uk. There are nearly 2000 professional support groups and networks listed there as well. The scariest part is making the first call. (I'm going to go out on a limb and guess what you're feeling: "I don't deserve help." But I can tell you believe your son does, so approach it from that angle.)

Never mind about having no spark left; you posted here, Sparky! Post again, soon!

Emma

[hazeleyes]

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Hi Looking for Peace

Thanks for sharing your story. Its a great first step to starting the healing process.

I like the advice from Hippie and Pride. You are important, as important as your son. You need to be kind to yourself and reward yourself for all the work and time you give to others. You are using AL to numb the pain, and it makes total sense to me, but it is a trap. It will not work in the long run.

I suggest you use this site for support, and get help to care for your son. Maybe you could even look after someone else's autistic child in exchange for them looking after your son. Whatever you do its time to get some help. You deserve help...go on ask for it. Just like you did here...

Kia kaha...be strong
One day at a time, this is how we change our lives for the better. 50 is young these days, you still have 40 or more years to go...