my story.

[Ayuria]

I posted my story when I first came to this site, and then I deleted it because I was afraid of people reading it. Haha. Im not going to post all my story or anything, as much as where I am up to now...

I moved overseas when I was 19, because I needed to escape some things. I did that and now live in Australia...unfortunately my past did follow me, and I have been forced to 'deal' with it. I have tried virtually everything my power to continue to run from it, to very little success...and while I know I cant keep running, my instinct is still to keep running. Im unfortunately running out of options, in terms of avoidance and running, things I need to deal with, but dont know how...I have no idea.

I've used alcohol and drugs to try and cope/manage my depression and ptsd....and its not really managing, but just more avoidance tactics.

I am tired. I am only 28, and have difficulty seeing my future, or wanting a future, or being a participant in life. I know Im not doing everything right, Im working too hard and studying too hard, and putting alot of pressure on myself and being quite harsh with myself...Im not really taking the medication Im supposed to be taking, for various reasons, mostly because I dont want to, but thats a whole other story. I have a good professional support team (if I go to the appointments ), but I have to reach out to them first, and be honest with them. And sometimes you just get to the point where, you're just saying the same thing over and over again. Its my attitude you know, Im so tired, worn out, tried alot of different things to get better.

I have a good stimulating, challenging and interesting job, I have a good husband, I am studying towards a masters in psychology. My depression/ptsd is not about my life situation. Its just me. Something wrong with me.

I want kids someday, but am scared to even embark on that yet, because I want to be a good mother, and stable...and Im just not yet and am scared I never will be.

Anyway. I just felt the need to write some of what I was thinking.

Ayuria.

[hart]

my story.

Ayuria

Thanx for sharing your story as much as you felt comfortable with. I too tried to run away from my past. I used various negative coping mechanisms to try and deal with the subdued anger, guilt, depression, hopelessness and vulnerability. I too went too many therapists, some real good, to try and deal with the emotions that I was trying to not feel. I too got real tired of going over the same stuff, after a while I could tell them what they would next say.

I have to be on medication the rest of my life. Sure it has some side-effects but without it I swing in to bipolarism, high highs (which I like a lot) and low lows, both which eventually result in some extreme behaviors that leave me unable to deal with life.

Alcohol made me feel good, initially but you know it really is a depressant and especially with daily use, leaves one feeling blah, depressed, ashamed, etc., emotions not productive to most everything.

I am about 50 days AF and feel better than I have in years. I love my hubby and his son and look upon the future with OPTIMISM. Something I haven't done in years.

We can't change the past. We can't run from it. What we can do is take the medication that enables us to cope with the intense emotions we have. Not drink to numb us then severely increase our depression, anger, etc.

It isn't easy, but I'm nearly old enuf to be ur mother. And I'd hate you to wait as long as I have to start enjoying life to it's fullest. :l

[Doggygirl]

my story.

:welcome: Ayuria. Thank you for sharing part of your story. I know that feeling of wanting to run from everything. I haven't run to another country (yet!) but have run all over the US over the years. What I have been running from is the emotional feeling of rejection, whether it's real or imagined. Now that I am finally sober, I am starting to dig into myself to understand the underlying reasons. But sometimes I still want to run so I still have a lot of work to do!

Drinking didn't help me at all. It just covered everything up, and gave me lots to feel guilt and remorse about. I think the only way we can find ourselves is to get AL out of the picture. It's hard but it's worth it. I hope you find your way out too.

DG