i guess it all starts in 1979 here i was young and from a family at that time 12 brothers and sisters.. yeah big family ..dad was Spanish and mom just a mix of everything .. well that being we love to go back the Spanish Harlem new york during the holidays to party with aunts and uncles.. god is was great at that time .. but you wouldn't know it ..but both my parents got along great during the holiday and then when it was over .. BM.. back to the same old shit ..LIFE living with such a big family always had its corks.. mom was always in so many different ways got beat to a pulp.. seeing her get mentally and fiscally abuse by my father and this always went on for so many years ..way before 1979 ..1979 was the last year.. i ever got to see my whole family together..it was right after Thanksgiving that it happen ..i was in school .. and they came for me and took my whole family and we were all separated..
still till this day..i still do not know where the rest of us are..i only have contact with 5 of my family members..
well where i wined up ..is they put me and my brother in a institution ..but that last only a month and then they separated us ..left me there in the institution..and it was hard .. shit that i have seen there other kids fighting with other kids ..me fighting to make it there .. and there's more.. there was two brothers mentally challenge ..i walk into a room to find them giving another kid Orel sex .. i just about lost it .. ran out of that room and got the man in charge and that was the last time i seen.. those two boys there ..just some fuck up shit and there more but .. as the first year went by i got to go back and visit with my mom and dad .. only to deal with the same shit .. well i was in the institution for about a year or so and got to know allot of people there and got to a couple that work there and was willing to help me .. they were there when i needed someone to lean on..
there was a lady that i met there that help me learn how to read and write ..she became like what i call another mother to me ..willing to help in anyway and very understand..at that time i would have never thought i would still be in contact with her this any years and still till this day we email each other ..
well after a year or so of being in the institution ..they move me to a group home and that went OK ..it had its moments..and it was closer to my mom and dad and i was able to go home every other weekend .. i look forward to just being able to get away from the group home .. and when i went home ..it was just the same ..but this time mom was drinking even more..and the fights would last even longer mom with blacker eyes , hurting,crying, blaming us for everything that went wrong ..and well i found out a lot of what really went wrong and what set everything in motion .. there were two sister mentally handicap ..that said some wired shit against us boys and against mom and dad ..when they were in school and yes having the police at the house almost every week .. and well i was able to finally able to go home after two years .. sorry i would like to say ..i made the wrong choice .. i had my chance to go with a nice couple and live with them .. that were
willing to help me grow up to be a normal person.. not that I'm not normal now..but i choose to be with them my mom and dad big mistake ..a month of being home with them..it got worst ..trying to go to school where everyone knew your past.. where you got challenge everyday and had to put up with bully's and show you can handle yourself.. let just say .it didn't last long..i was doing drugs and drinking and working to make my own money to eat and drink party .. trying to avoided home even when I'm there .. well it finally happen.. she stood on her own two feet one day .. i was down stairs in my room and i could hear them going at it again fighting ..but this time it was outside.. well i came up to try tell them to go inside the house .. well mom had a butcher knife on my father ..lets just say she finally let him have it ..
well yes she did do and he lived .. was in the hospital for a week or so ..down or up three More inches .. he would have not survive .. well after all that .. i was still working and trying to make money for drugs and alcohol ,food etc.. well as time went on..things calm down for a little ..and as time went on i still haven't seen any of my sisters and bothers .. younger then me only four of us .. now at that time there were 12 of us .. and i still haven't seen 9 of my sisters and bother for now 27 years .. i have thought about trying to find them.. but what could i say to them ..well that a story for another time .. so as time went on.. my mom and dad were thinking of leaving and moving to ca and start over somewhere new.. so i decides to follow them there .. had to pay my own way there .. and then find a job ..i can say now it was a big mistake on my part to follow them .. but as time went on i found a good job as a roofer made great money and lots of
good friends .. well parent weren't happy there so they wanted to leave there and find something of their own .. so dad look for a small motel to fix up .. in kc .. yes i follow them there and that lasted for about three months ..they got what they needed out of me fixing the roof and other things .. then give me the boot .. 220.00 dollars and said get going and out .. so i decided to go over to NC to visit my sister .. lot of fun there watching those two beat the shit out of each other .. and it was during the winter ..i found a job cleaning office building.. and that lasted about three months and say fuck it couldn't handle it anymore .. bad enough seeing mom and dad beat the shit out of themselves .. now watching my sister and her husband beat the shit out of each other .. so i decide to call up an old friend back in ca and get the hell out of there.. so i made my way back to ca .. where i could do my own thing .. i live in my van for about two
months and then found out they kick my brother out on his ass .. so me being the nice person i am ..yes had to help him out .. i was living with a nice old lady and her daughter.. was able to save up some money and get a place with my brother .. god we party every niter and i was going to dead concerts .. doing all the drugs i could get a hold of mushrooms ,CID.. crank.. and coke , pot ..but all and all i work every day, pay my bills.. did everything i wanted and more ..well as time went on..i finally met someone and fell head over heels for .. in a bar of course ..got married, had my first son at 24 and still kept on doing what i wanted ..but then one night was a sleep and we had our first drive by ..meaning gun shoots too close for comfort .. well we decided to move cross country to the sunshine state . my wife wanted to be close to her mom .. so it was great for a long time there i was working in the high riser as a metal framer and learning to read
blue prints.. well after a few years i wanted to get out of fl and move to NC where i could learn how to built houses .. it was going great i took a job at 6 dollars an hour yeah it was a pay cut from hell .. but it only took me 3 months to get what i wanted ..i learn as much as i could from this redneck .. that try to fuck with my pay .. well that another story in it self i was not a person to piss off.. he try to screw me out of my pay .. and i was on a war path .. well lets just i had a 4 wheel drive truck and i did figure 8 in his yard and the neighbor came out with beers in hand and ask me what i was doing.. we just stood there drinking and talking of how much of an ass hole the guy i was working for..well after that i started working for one other guy doing interior trim and building houses too ..this guy was great for awhile learns as much as can from him and then one day he went on vacation and didn't pay me same shit different day this time ir />just heal the keys to the houses that we did the interior trim and locks on .. well got pay for him and was ask to come back into work ..but i already had work line up working in Greensboro.. learning even more of what i really wanted full length roof framing bottom to top..was great learn everything i could from him again but even more and had my own business within 8 months or so.. well it was going good was doing small job, repairs on old houses at first ..came up with enough money to hold on and grow even bigger started working for small house builder ..made great money and i had around 7 guys working for me and then things start to get Little harder .. to where i didn't have enough money so i started to use to money i had and buy and sale drugs first it was just pot and then after awhile it was cocaine .. well what i was using the money for is to pay the guys and keep money flowing in and out and i always manage to take care of family first ..
well it went on for quite awhile things were going great and then i started in on the cocaine .. using and selling it.. well it really start to fuck with me bad time was firing guys just becuase of bull shit ..then it started to change me in ways i didnt see myself i was staying away from home not paying attention to my family then the worst thing could happen ..i had a crash
i had a crash
yeah i was working on one job and had to go work in Greensboro .. and on the way there.. we driving on I40 in a heavy rain storm and all at once a truck just come out of no where and right into my line and there was nothing i could do .. well i survive it and my two guys that work for me came out OK .. the truck was fuck ..lets just say the engine was closer to me then i wanted it to be ..well i had just put alot of money into that truck, engine ,etc and well that was something i didn't need at this point ..we only Had that truck and so i had to think fast and try to get something going .. was able to take a few days off and get another car for a while .. well after a week or so i got fired from that one company .. i finish that last house i built for them and move on .. well anyway things were still going strong with the drug business and i was selling and buying and doing .. but things were getting out of control at this time .. i was doing more then
i was selling .. i was breaking even and at times i had to sell my tools just to get high and pay the bills .. but the kids never went hungry and my bills and my guys were always pay..so as time went on i lost everything ..all the friends i thought i had .. my family .. one day i got home from work and i was drinking my beer and i just lost it was pissed off and was arguing with my wife .. everyone in the house was scared for their life ..my kids were crying and my wife was asking please stop and i wouldn't .. so my brother came over try to calm me down and he took my family for a drive and guess what show up at my door .. well yeah i got arrested for domestic violence.. which i only grab her to hold her .. and guess what happen next ..i got out three days later to find they were gone the house was mess and clothes were gone and the cops at my door again asking.. what did i do with my family .. well i know as much as they did nothing .. to find out my
brother .. took it upon himself to take my family to fl..
this where i have been ever sence
this ..
well i got here and was looking for help everywhere.. but every turn i took ..took me no where closer to my family .. i try to get help to quit the drugs and which i have now for 10 plus years and before that i went to a place ..where they said they could help me .. and when i went in they said i had to be on drugs to get help from them .. that's what i had to deal with and that's why i am the way i am today ..seems like every time i ask for help i always had to do things on my own .. and well things never really work out for me and my ex and i did try and make all the changes i could ...i quit drinking for alittle while ..but not for long and as time went on things got alittle closer to my kids ..i had visitations with my kids and that went well .. and still i haven't got everything i wanted back .. and whats weird is that everything happens around the holidays and i never looked at it like this before ..its true it like.. when i was drinking.. there
was so much anger,disappointment, i wasn't happy in my own skin .. i always wanted more and more .. for me and my family.. but in so many ways .. i drove them away .. now look am suppose to be writing about the things i went Thu but here i sit thinking not drinking .. sure i can write even more about the past .. i lived it and went Thu everything and even more that i haven't written yet and what i can say now ..is that i want to live .. seem like the holidays bring the worst out of us .. reliving the past and wondering if we could or should have done it this way or that way .. but you know there is one way.. the way it happen and the way it will be .. the saying goes shit happens for a reason or a season and it does make you stronger at the end .. when you can live Thu it and say yeah life was shit but i made it Thu and where am i now ..it took me 8 years to really see what i was meant to do and that is to live my way .. i cant change for no one but
myself .. things that i have seen and gone Thu in the past two years.. are what they would call miracle's .. well no they are the things that can happen when you make the needed changes in your life and ready to do what you really need to do for yourself and will get back as time goes on .. so if you ask yourself this question can you commit to something.. yes you can..give it a try and watch things change in front of your eyes but you have to make the first step in the right direction ..
well after a few months of leaving the story alone and haven't added any to this ..
the time is now to start writing again ..
still till this day..i still do not know where the rest of us are..i only have contact with 5 of my family members..
well where i wined up ..is they put me and my brother in a institution ..but that last only a month and then they separated us ..left me there in the institution..and it was hard .. shit that i have seen there other kids fighting with other kids ..me fighting to make it there .. and there's more.. there was two brothers mentally challenge ..i walk into a room to find them giving another kid Orel sex .. i just about lost it .. ran out of that room and got the man in charge and that was the last time i seen.. those two boys there ..just some fuck up shit and there more but .. as the first year went by i got to go back and visit with my mom and dad .. only to deal with the same shit .. well i was in the institution for about a year or so and got to know allot of people there and got to a couple that work there and was willing to help me .. they were there when i needed someone to lean on..
there was a lady that i met there that help me learn how to read and write ..she became like what i call another mother to me ..willing to help in anyway and very understand..at that time i would have never thought i would still be in contact with her this any years and still till this day we email each other ..
well after a year or so of being in the institution ..they move me to a group home and that went OK ..it had its moments..and it was closer to my mom and dad and i was able to go home every other weekend .. i look forward to just being able to get away from the group home .. and when i went home ..it was just the same ..but this time mom was drinking even more..and the fights would last even longer mom with blacker eyes , hurting,crying, blaming us for everything that went wrong ..and well i found out a lot of what really went wrong and what set everything in motion .. there were two sister mentally handicap ..that said some wired shit against us boys and against mom and dad ..when they were in school and yes having the police at the house almost every week .. and well i was able to finally able to go home after two years .. sorry i would like to say ..i made the wrong choice .. i had my chance to go with a nice couple and live with them .. that were
willing to help me grow up to be a normal person.. not that I'm not normal now..but i choose to be with them my mom and dad big mistake ..a month of being home with them..it got worst ..trying to go to school where everyone knew your past.. where you got challenge everyday and had to put up with bully's and show you can handle yourself.. let just say .it didn't last long..i was doing drugs and drinking and working to make my own money to eat and drink party .. trying to avoided home even when I'm there .. well it finally happen.. she stood on her own two feet one day .. i was down stairs in my room and i could hear them going at it again fighting ..but this time it was outside.. well i came up to try tell them to go inside the house .. well mom had a butcher knife on my father ..lets just say she finally let him have it ..
well yes she did do and he lived .. was in the hospital for a week or so ..down or up three More inches .. he would have not survive .. well after all that .. i was still working and trying to make money for drugs and alcohol ,food etc.. well as time went on..things calm down for a little ..and as time went on i still haven't seen any of my sisters and bothers .. younger then me only four of us .. now at that time there were 12 of us .. and i still haven't seen 9 of my sisters and bother for now 27 years .. i have thought about trying to find them.. but what could i say to them ..well that a story for another time .. so as time went on.. my mom and dad were thinking of leaving and moving to ca and start over somewhere new.. so i decides to follow them there .. had to pay my own way there .. and then find a job ..i can say now it was a big mistake on my part to follow them .. but as time went on i found a good job as a roofer made great money and lots of
good friends .. well parent weren't happy there so they wanted to leave there and find something of their own .. so dad look for a small motel to fix up .. in kc .. yes i follow them there and that lasted for about three months ..they got what they needed out of me fixing the roof and other things .. then give me the boot .. 220.00 dollars and said get going and out .. so i decided to go over to NC to visit my sister .. lot of fun there watching those two beat the shit out of each other .. and it was during the winter ..i found a job cleaning office building.. and that lasted about three months and say fuck it couldn't handle it anymore .. bad enough seeing mom and dad beat the shit out of themselves .. now watching my sister and her husband beat the shit out of each other .. so i decide to call up an old friend back in ca and get the hell out of there.. so i made my way back to ca .. where i could do my own thing .. i live in my van for about two
months and then found out they kick my brother out on his ass .. so me being the nice person i am ..yes had to help him out .. i was living with a nice old lady and her daughter.. was able to save up some money and get a place with my brother .. god we party every niter and i was going to dead concerts .. doing all the drugs i could get a hold of mushrooms ,CID.. crank.. and coke , pot ..but all and all i work every day, pay my bills.. did everything i wanted and more ..well as time went on..i finally met someone and fell head over heels for .. in a bar of course ..got married, had my first son at 24 and still kept on doing what i wanted ..but then one night was a sleep and we had our first drive by ..meaning gun shoots too close for comfort .. well we decided to move cross country to the sunshine state . my wife wanted to be close to her mom .. so it was great for a long time there i was working in the high riser as a metal framer and learning to read
blue prints.. well after a few years i wanted to get out of fl and move to NC where i could learn how to built houses .. it was going great i took a job at 6 dollars an hour yeah it was a pay cut from hell .. but it only took me 3 months to get what i wanted ..i learn as much as i could from this redneck .. that try to fuck with my pay .. well that another story in it self i was not a person to piss off.. he try to screw me out of my pay .. and i was on a war path .. well lets just i had a 4 wheel drive truck and i did figure 8 in his yard and the neighbor came out with beers in hand and ask me what i was doing.. we just stood there drinking and talking of how much of an ass hole the guy i was working for..well after that i started working for one other guy doing interior trim and building houses too ..this guy was great for awhile learns as much as can from him and then one day he went on vacation and didn't pay me same shit different day this time ir />just heal the keys to the houses that we did the interior trim and locks on .. well got pay for him and was ask to come back into work ..but i already had work line up working in Greensboro.. learning even more of what i really wanted full length roof framing bottom to top..was great learn everything i could from him again but even more and had my own business within 8 months or so.. well it was going good was doing small job, repairs on old houses at first ..came up with enough money to hold on and grow even bigger started working for small house builder ..made great money and i had around 7 guys working for me and then things start to get Little harder .. to where i didn't have enough money so i started to use to money i had and buy and sale drugs first it was just pot and then after awhile it was cocaine .. well what i was using the money for is to pay the guys and keep money flowing in and out and i always manage to take care of family first ..
well it went on for quite awhile things were going great and then i started in on the cocaine .. using and selling it.. well it really start to fuck with me bad time was firing guys just becuase of bull shit ..then it started to change me in ways i didnt see myself i was staying away from home not paying attention to my family then the worst thing could happen ..i had a crash
i had a crash
yeah i was working on one job and had to go work in Greensboro .. and on the way there.. we driving on I40 in a heavy rain storm and all at once a truck just come out of no where and right into my line and there was nothing i could do .. well i survive it and my two guys that work for me came out OK .. the truck was fuck ..lets just say the engine was closer to me then i wanted it to be ..well i had just put alot of money into that truck, engine ,etc and well that was something i didn't need at this point ..we only Had that truck and so i had to think fast and try to get something going .. was able to take a few days off and get another car for a while .. well after a week or so i got fired from that one company .. i finish that last house i built for them and move on .. well anyway things were still going strong with the drug business and i was selling and buying and doing .. but things were getting out of control at this time .. i was doing more then
i was selling .. i was breaking even and at times i had to sell my tools just to get high and pay the bills .. but the kids never went hungry and my bills and my guys were always pay..so as time went on i lost everything ..all the friends i thought i had .. my family .. one day i got home from work and i was drinking my beer and i just lost it was pissed off and was arguing with my wife .. everyone in the house was scared for their life ..my kids were crying and my wife was asking please stop and i wouldn't .. so my brother came over try to calm me down and he took my family for a drive and guess what show up at my door .. well yeah i got arrested for domestic violence.. which i only grab her to hold her .. and guess what happen next ..i got out three days later to find they were gone the house was mess and clothes were gone and the cops at my door again asking.. what did i do with my family .. well i know as much as they did nothing .. to find out my
brother .. took it upon himself to take my family to fl..
this where i have been ever sence
this ..
well i got here and was looking for help everywhere.. but every turn i took ..took me no where closer to my family .. i try to get help to quit the drugs and which i have now for 10 plus years and before that i went to a place ..where they said they could help me .. and when i went in they said i had to be on drugs to get help from them .. that's what i had to deal with and that's why i am the way i am today ..seems like every time i ask for help i always had to do things on my own .. and well things never really work out for me and my ex and i did try and make all the changes i could ...i quit drinking for alittle while ..but not for long and as time went on things got alittle closer to my kids ..i had visitations with my kids and that went well .. and still i haven't got everything i wanted back .. and whats weird is that everything happens around the holidays and i never looked at it like this before ..its true it like.. when i was drinking.. there
was so much anger,disappointment, i wasn't happy in my own skin .. i always wanted more and more .. for me and my family.. but in so many ways .. i drove them away .. now look am suppose to be writing about the things i went Thu but here i sit thinking not drinking .. sure i can write even more about the past .. i lived it and went Thu everything and even more that i haven't written yet and what i can say now ..is that i want to live .. seem like the holidays bring the worst out of us .. reliving the past and wondering if we could or should have done it this way or that way .. but you know there is one way.. the way it happen and the way it will be .. the saying goes shit happens for a reason or a season and it does make you stronger at the end .. when you can live Thu it and say yeah life was shit but i made it Thu and where am i now ..it took me 8 years to really see what i was meant to do and that is to live my way .. i cant change for no one but
myself .. things that i have seen and gone Thu in the past two years.. are what they would call miracle's .. well no they are the things that can happen when you make the needed changes in your life and ready to do what you really need to do for yourself and will get back as time goes on .. so if you ask yourself this question can you commit to something.. yes you can..give it a try and watch things change in front of your eyes but you have to make the first step in the right direction ..
well after a few months of leaving the story alone and haven't added any to this ..
the time is now to start writing again ..
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
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