32 making same mistakes as 20

[okkslady]

I wrote a thread earlier and posted and it seems to not have worked so I will start over again...I am 32 year old single mother of a wonderful son and I am a binge drinker. I dont have to drink everyday I can go a month or so but when I do drink the results are usually disasterous. I have so many stories I could tell about my DUI, running into the back of somebodys car, waking up and not knowing where I am or how I got there...This saturday I went out with a friend for her birthday. One drink lead to ten and I am pretty sure I was on the brink of alcohol posioning. I threw up for a good part of the next day and was sooo cold with chills. My skin was pale eyes were yellow and I couldnt hold anything down untill about ten pm next night. Saturday was a train wreck. I blacked out! Which is the worst. It is like a huge door slamming shut....people dont believe I blackout and think I use it as an excuse but I honestly do blackout. The lights are on and nobody is home. Well during this blackout I had sex with a guy that I have known for a few months and I dont remember one singe thing about it. He says we used protection but how do I know for sure? He says after I started yelling at him and arguing with him and now he says I am crazy!! I am not crazy...I am a mother, daughter, a sister, who has a HUGE problem!!! This saturday has sunk me. I am at the bottom...AGAIN. Last week I went and got an std screening because of previous moments in my life such as this one. I pray I didnt ruin my life from all this. It is now tuesday and I am still feeling the affects of saturday...my thoughts and words are slow and groggy...and my head feels tight on the left side. I am sinking, depressed. I want to sleep..I feel safe on the couch. I want to be positive and happy and get out there and laugh but do I deserve it? I am a terrible person. I have lost friends and respect and have been in arguements with family over this. If it doesnt stop I will die from this. Binge drinking is the worst type of alcoholism I have been told....The people that I go out and party with are not my friends....they wont be there if I landed in jail, they arent there when I need them the most. When I aint going out to party I dont even hear from them...The only people who are there are the ones I hurt the most, my family. I can remember being with my sons father and trying to start fights just to get out and drink. Back then I seen it as him stopping me from a good time and fun. I would become angry and cranky...i had to go. Now looking back I see it was the addiction pulling me, it was my body needing that drink...I am feeling terrible I am a bad person. thanks for listening

[okkslady]

32 making same mistakes as 20

me again

i will add I have been on this site last summer...cant learn my lessons

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

32 making same mistakes as 20

Hello Okkslady and welcome. Let me say firstly that the behavior you have told us about does not make you a bad person. Like everyone here who has a problem with alcohol you have done things that you regret. I bet there isnt a person that hasnt been on that merry go round of drinking, regrets, self hatred at our behavior and the promises to ourselves to never do it again.....until the next time, that is.
The good news is you recognise the problem and have taken the first important step in coming here and posting. There is unbelievable support, advice and help given here in a non judgemental way from people who have been there and know only too well what is is like.
Keep safe
KTAB

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

32 making same mistakes as 20

And let me add its never too late to try again. You can do this.

[not tonight]

32 making same mistakes as 20

Hi okklady, and welcome (back). With your post you have taken a big step towards getting better. Please stay close, keep posting, reading and asking for support. You have a huge group of people here who will be there for you. Glad you are here.

[K9Lover]

32 making same mistakes as 20

Hi Okkslady and welcome back!
I can so relate to your story. Been there, done that. Over and over. The shame, guilt and anxiety is what finally made me look honestly at myself and FINALLY make some changes. I, too, am a single mother, and my behavior was horrendous! I'd never want my daughter to be like I was. I've had blackouts where I dont even know what I did, where I went, or who I did what with. Let me just say that you are NOT a bad person...please don't think that. You just need some help, and by reaching out here you have taken a huge first step. There is so much support and encouragement here...so I'm glad you've come back. Please keep us posted on how you are doing!
K9

p.s. Don't be too hard on yourself, don't beat yourself up over what's already happened. Take care of yourself from this point forward

[OverIt2007]

32 making same mistakes as 20

Hi Okkslady!

Was reading your story tonight, Im so glad you posted it. Getting honest with yourself I believe is step 1 and a step in the right direction.

Im 42, single Mom and I still act and drink like I am 20 too!! I so relate to so many parts of your story, even the black out sex with strangers.(before I had my son) Black outs are very very scary and trust me, I have experienced them many times. I know its hard when your a single Mom and yet, you still want to go out and have some "fun" too. Its sad that our idea of fun is getting wasted. Your not alone, so many people have that kind of thinking and so many people are alcoholics too!!

I think a good idea is to leave those friends behind. They most likely dont care about you at all and will not be there for when the party times are over. They probably have their own issues as well. I know its the computer world, but you CAN make some very dear friends here who will look out for your best interests. Stay closer to the boards now and make a plan to get sober, if thats what you really want.

Your not a bad person at all. If your a bad person, then we all are too. Your a person who has a problem, just like all of us. Does not make you a bad person, but you need to be a well person so you can be the best for you and for your little boy. Let us all know how we can help you and please know you are NOT ALONE!

[okkslady]

32 making same mistakes as 20

thank you

Just wanted to say thank you to all the responses...your words were read and believe I am in tears at the moment. From this day forward I want to be a better person...I wish I could say the things that I have said on this board to my family but I am afraid they wouldnt understand. I have told my son's father before that I needed help ( i know it is up to me to get the help) but he just doesnt see this as a problem....he doesnt drink so he doesnt understand the hold that this has on me. I have used it as an escape for so long and I cant handle it anymore....thank you so much for the support and words. Saturday was the last time...I HOPE and pray!

[OverIt2007]

32 making same mistakes as 20

Wanted you to know I was on and read your post. You dont have to say "thank you" but your welcome Your story touches me because as a single Mom and doing the same things you describe, I really understand. K-9 understands (shes a great girl!) Many people on here relate and understand. Its important to know your not the only person who has this problem and there are people who want to help.

So many people on here find success in so many ways. I took Antabuse for a while (then screwed it up). Other people takes other meds. Some people go to AA. Is there a route you think that will work best for you?

How about perhaps a first step to talk to your doctor to see what he or she recommends? I always found great relief in talking to a doctor (hopefully you get a good one). It was hard to be honest and tell my doctor, but it was also very freeing first step. I cried every time, but the tears actually felt really good. I learned that people in the professonal field really do want to help. Thats is their job, so dont be afraid to take that step ok?

Can you make it sober for one week??? I think if you can stay away from the alcohol for one week, you might realize how much you enjoy it and start feeling stronger.

Why dont you also go to the "Just starting out" so you can make some more friends who can help you here too?

Im really wishing the very best for you. I really do understand and I am still fighting the same battles you are as well! If you really want this, I really believe you can do it.

[okkslady]

32 making same mistakes as 20

honesty

overit2o07 I have mentioned that I am a binge drinker to a doctor before but I wasnt completely honest with the extent of it....I am afraid of how I will be viewed. Especially since I am a mother and since I am 32. I think that I will be judged as a bad mom. When I am doing these ridiculous and hurtful things my son is never anywhere around. He is usually spending the night with grandma or his father. He has never even seen me drink, I wont do it in front of him. I think what would be best for me is to just stop speaking to my "party crowd friends" I was looking at pictures on my computer and I have more party pictures than family pics...uggg disgusting. ktab, not tonight n k9 I appreciate your words. I know I need to occupy myself more. instead of drinking or going out I could be doing something with my son or finding a new hobbie....I have been to AA meetings and I dont think it is something that will work for me. I only went to two of them...I am having a friend text me as we speak asking me what we are doing for the weekend....I told her I am DONE with drinking and I have told my brother the same thing and their response is the same....they dont believe me they say "yea right" I need support so I will be back on this site more and more....

[goingsobermum]

32 making same mistakes as 20

You are not a bad person, you have a problem, that doesn't make you bad. I was a 40 year old mother of 4 when I finally sorted myself out. Amino acids and supplements help correct the brain chemistry that is screwed up by drinking. Binge drinking is so dangerous because the fact that you have abstained for a week means that those first drinks make you feel fantastic and you then can't stop and feel free which you didn't all the time you were abstaining. If you correct the brain chemistry then you won't feel so flat the rest of the time so won't need the high in quite the same way.
What do you enjoy doing or what did you used to enjoy? Something physical helps due to endorphin release, crafty things to feeling of well being and acomplishment. For me it was horseriding that saved the day, it was something I gave up doing when I started drinking at 15, so look back into your past for things that made you feel good then, they may be just what you need now.
Keep posting, you can do it.

[gyco]

32 making same mistakes as 20

thinking

okkslady;948808 wrote: overit2o07 I have mentioned that I am a binge drinker to a doctor before but I wasnt completely honest with the extent of it....I am afraid of how I will be viewed. Especially since I am a mother and since I am 32. I think that I will be judged as a bad mom. When I am doing these ridiculous and hurtful things my son is never anywhere around. He is usually spending the night with grandma or his father. He has never even seen me drink, I wont do it in front of him. I think what would be best for me is to just stop speaking to my "party crowd friends" I was looking at pictures on my computer and I have more party pictures than family pics...uggg disgusting. ktab, not tonight n k9 I appreciate your words. I know I need to occupy myself more. instead of drinking or going out I could be doing something with my son or finding a new hobbie....I have been to AA meetings and I dont think it is something that will work for me. I only went to two of them...I am having a friend text me as we speak asking me what we are doing for the weekend....I told her I am DONE with drinking and I have told my brother the same thing and their response is the same....they dont believe me they say "yea right" I need support so I will be back on this site more and more....

hi okkslady,you undr estimate yourself,some call it low esteem,for 32 your a very wise person,by the way to much of anything is not good for anyone,took me over 50 years to figure that out,what you have is but an addiction,over rated,there are many ways to curve your appetite for Alchohol,yes one is your son,rt now,until it gets worse,then the only way is you,and beleive it or not when you said you mite have to make new friends,sometime thats what you have to do,youve started a year ago and left,ill be the 1st to say we are your friends,we no what your goin thro,whether were totally abstant or modding,we no,my dear ok many of us have been doin this whats wrong with me thing for many more then 32 years,stick around longer this time and my dear everything will start coming naturally the choice and that word choice which is yours,if your a reader pick up books on alchoholism,im reading one rt now,its a good read Healing the Addicted Brain,and there are many more,I even suggest reading the AA big book,i wish you well gyco:goodjob::welcome::thanks:

[gyco]

32 making same mistakes as 20

hahahha maybe im not the 1st to say were your friends buti ment well gang hahahaha

[Accountable for Me]

32 making same mistakes as 20

Hi! I am a single mom myself in my 30's. I made a lot of poor decisions being drunk in my life. You are not alone and I think you will really benefit from knowing that being on this site.

This site is what made me feel like I am not a total lost cause. I could not believe that in my own Hell I was not alone at the time. There were actually others out there who were feeling the same way.

You are not a bad person at all. Binge drinking till blacking out was my specialty! It took a while to get out of the binging roller coaster; ie: changing routine, friends, activities, etc. The past three years I have totally transformed my life. Now, I am opting for complete sobriety. Only because I don't like the effect of alcohol anymore. I've had my ups and downs. My life has completely changed.

Your friends and family will say that they don't believe you when you tell them you are done. After a while of staying sober and continuing to tell them you want nothing to do with it is when they will start to believe you. Don't take offense to that. Don't let that deter you from becoming well and happy. It takes time to change and it takes time for people to see that change.

I hope to see you posting and sticking with us. You will get tons of support here.

[hippie37]

32 making same mistakes as 20

Someone once said to me, "Phil, if you feel like a shit-house it's probably because you've been behaving like a shit-house". I drank for many reasons but the end result was nearly always the same. That was usually, sprawled out on a couch or my bed with a duvet over me, sweating and shaking and staring at a TV screen with a million thoughts going through my head. Usually it was those thoughts that caused me to feel the way I did because I would be mentally crucifying myself whilst trying to get over the physical symptoms of that 'last' binge. My actions didn't always get me in trouble because I used a lot of drugs too. That meant I could drink larger amounts and still be quite coherent. But a binge on just alcohol meant black-out and me being a completely obnoxious person. No-one wanted me around when I was in that state and for good reason. I could cause murder between partners or get quite evil with my sarcasms at so called 'friends'. It's not surprising in the least, in hindsight, that I felt so bad when I sobered up slightly. That horrible feeling of fear caused by the shame I felt was what kept me in the vicious cycle and needing more alcohol to numb the feelings.

I've tried many routes into recovery. What finally worked for me was a 12 step treatment centre for addiction. The seed had probably been planted 15 years previous when I attended my first AA meeting aged 25. I just wasn't ready or willing to go to any lengths for a sober life. In fact I was only after respite and to get my family off my back if the truth be known.

So here I am aged 40 and a little over 19 months sober. I could only ever, in the past, manage about 3/4 months at a time tops. I always found an excuse to drink again. My gran died. I was lonely at Xmas as it was my first Xmas being single in many years. I was envious of my old party crew still going to raves and partying all over the week-end (That was a killer for me!). Any excuse really I could come up with to pick up a drink I'd use it.

For me recovery is a personal choice and one that should challenge you too. It's not meant to be an easy ride. Self honesty is the most important part of my recovery because if I'm not honest with myself how can I expect other people to help and trust me. I talk to friends today; not so called 'friends' who don't have a clue what it's like to be an addict/alcoholic. The connection and empathy I get when talking openly face to face with another alcoholic is just amazing. I couldn't even talk to my family about half the stuff I talk about with friends in fellowship. My family just wouldn't understand me at all or where I'm coming from.

So whilst I thought I was such a nice guy, lovable, sensitive, caring etc my actions meant people judged me differently. Today action for me means trying to be the best version of me I can be and help others. I've been self centred for years, playing the victim and wanting sympathy from everyone. But being selfless helps me give back for all the years of taking. In that, I get rewards too by feeling good about myself for doing things for other people. My confidence has grown and my self esteem has grown too. It's been a long process for me of finding out who I really am and not who I think I am. It's been tough some days and I've needed a lot of support but I've got through those times without picking up a drink. That's a real victory.

Enjoy the ride!

Many Blessings
Phil