Here I go ...

[newstart32]

I'm not sure if this is appropriate for this forum, but I am hoping that I can use this thread as a journal of sorts. A place to get my thoughts out as I go through this journey. I have gained a lot of insight and comfort from hearing other people's stories, and perhaps by sharing my story here I can help someone else in return.

My general background:

Had a normal-ish childhood. My parents divorced when I was 17 and my mom has some issues, but nothing really horrifying. I was raised to believe that alcohol was bad - my parents rarely drank. I could probably count on both hands the number of times they consumed any alcohol in my presence. There were liquor bottles in the house growing up, but they were dusty and old and rarely touched. My mom's father was an alcoholic and that scarred her and was obviously what made her so afraid of alcohol and what made her preach against it's misuse.

I did not touch a single drop of alcohol until after I had graduated from high school. And even then I didn't take to it right away. But slowly I have progressed from someone who didn't even enjoy alcohol very much, to someone who can't seem to live without it.

Now I am nearing 34 years old and I realize that it is probably going to kill me at some point if I can't get off this track. I currently drink at least a bottle of wine a night, often more. I prefer to drink alone so that I can comfortably pass out by myself and not have to worry about what anyone else is thinking about my habits. My husband travels quite a bit and this makes it pretty easy for me. When he is home I don't consume as much alcohol but I make up for it by taking an over the counter sleep aid (like Tylenol PM minus the Tylenol) so that I can pass out on less wine.

That said, I consider myself very highly functioning and very clever at hiding my problem. I have flat out asked my husband if he thinks I have a drinking problem and he always says no. Ha! My drinking buddies and I joke about how much I can put away, but my more normal friends know nothing of my habits. I have a fairly good marriage, two small kids, and a completely normal looking life.

Back in July I hit something of a breaking point. I realized my drinking and depression were out of control and I knew I had to make a change. I had a long night of crying (and drinking) and then visited my first (and only) AA meeting the next morning. I felt humiliated to admit that things had gotten to that point.

I went AF for maybe 4 days? Then I wanted to try moderation. I just wasn't ready to give up drinking for good. For the last 2.5 months I've been drinking somewhat less than what I had been at my lowest point, but I've added in a lot more sleeping pills or Nyquil so I'm definitely not close to being healed.

My first attempt at going AF was filled with a lot of mental drama and angst. This time I feel much more apathetic about it, but I think that might be a good thing. I'm not kicking and screaming against it this time. I'm just over my own BS and ready to move on to something different.

I've read a lot in the last few days about how being sober doesn't open up a new world of sunshine and rainbows and puppy dogs. Call me an idiot, but it's taken me a really long time to realize that a sober life will still have the same stress, boredom, sleeplessness and depression and in a lot of ways it will kind of suck. At least at first.

But what I do look forward to is:
* not feeling guilty all the time
* not having to hide things from my family
* not worrying what I might have said on the phone or what I might have emailed while drinking
* no longer making plans while drinking and then completely forgetting about them and making people think I'm a flake
* not risking the lives of innocent people by driving under the influence
* not being CONSTANTLY anxious that someone is going to discover my secret problem
* not feeling like physical crap in the morning
* possible weight loss
* not having to risk the potential "outing" and humiliation that I would experience if I developed an alcohol related disease

Well, that's enough for now.

Tonight is DAY 1. I know I can do this. I promise to hold myself accountable and check in here throughout the coming days.

[hdb]

Here I go ...

Hi newstart32

Thank you for posting your thread I can totally relate to where you are and think your list of "But what I do look forward to is:" is a great thing to put down and is something that you can check back on in tough times. I wish you strength in your journey newstart32.

hdb

[newstart32]

Here I go ...

Day 2

hdb;958152 wrote: Hi newstart32

Thank you for posting your thread I can totally relate to where you are and think your list of "But what I do look forward to is:" is a great thing to put down and is something that you can check back on in tough times. I wish you strength in your journey newstart32.

hdb

Thanks for your support!

Soooooo ...

Day 1 AF went fine. Easy peasy. My husband was home which helped a lot and I didn't have any sort of craving at all. Even managed to get a decent night of sleep, which is something that I have struggled with in the past on nights that I didn't drink or take any pills.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I have come to realize that some of the reasons (aka excuses) I have given myself to drink over the past many, many years were fabrications. I have always had some amount of anxiety and insomnia, but I blew it up to the point where I made myself believe that that I simply could not sleep without alcohol or pills. Now I'm realizing that the anxiety and insomnia were just excuses that I made to myself and to others (husband, friends) so that I could have a reason for drinking so much/often.

So now I need to retrain myself to know and believe that I CAN sleep without help. This is going to be tricky when I am home alone b/c I DO get jumpy when my husband is on the road, but I have to do it, right?

On to another issue:

Husband called from work to see if my mom could watch the kids so that we could go to dinner tonight. This usually means a glass of wine or two. I suppose this is just my first of MANY tests that I will have to take on this path to sobriety. But damn if it isn't hard. Actually, tonight as an isolated incident would be totally easy, but I have to admit that I am VERY overwhelmed by the idea of never having another social drink again. It simply isn't something I can wrap my head around right now.

I know I need to take it day by day and I think I will follow the lead of others around here and try for 30 days AF to start. I CAN do that. For those of you who are succeeding at staying AF for long periods of time, do you still take it day by day? Is the rest of my life going to be day by day?

The thing is, I don't have a social drinking problem. I can limit myself in front of other people and be fine. I DO have a private drinking problem. If I am alone it is just not possible for me to have a drink or two and stop there. And I know that the social drinking is very dangerous for me right now because it's going to make the alone drinking much, much harder to resist.

I'm just rambling these thoughts as they come to my head.

Here's my goal:
30 days completely alcohol free.
Take it one day at a time.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

[Pride before Fall]

Here I go ...

Hi NS, and welcome. There are a LOT of women here with stories very similar to yours, including me. I've been sober for a couple of months and have experienced just about every drinking situation you could come up against (romantic dinner out with fiance, post-road race bar hop, weekend at a lake with heavy-drinking friends). It's been less and less awkward as time's gone on, but I get by fine with cranberry juice, O'Douls, and tonic water with lime. Most people don't even notice, which is the ironic thing--I was sure the whole world would stop (kind of egocentric when you think about it!).

One of my favorite threads is https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...ing-22609.html. I've found it really helpful to go there when the little voice says "I don't really have a problem," or "I really only need to cut down, then I'll be 'normal' ".

Hynosis tapes have helped me sleep sans benadryl or nyquil (not the ones here, although they might be fine. I found some others I liked searching around online).

Make a plan, stick to it, and you're well on your way. Best of luck!

Pride

[choice]

Here I go ...

Hi Newstart,

I'm at day 22 AF and shooting for the 30 day challenge... then I got myself into the September challenge so that will take me to 40... In the days coming up to 40 I'll have to come up with another plan and keep going. My goal is to live a sober life. The more days that add up the more confidence I feel in general and I feel good about that. It feels amazing to make a good decision, and not question if I'm doing the right thing. All of the other things I'm wondering about in life are on hold at the moment because I am able to trust myself more and more and that is victory for me these days.

I think it is one day at a time and also setting short term goals at this stage for me. Honestly once I took the idea of moderating out of my mind the whole process became easier because I took myself off the fence. But when I started only 3 weeks ago that seamed impossible. It is amazing how when you commit to 30 days and stick with it how a lot of answers come to you about what is going to be best in your situation. If I'm struggling through a day, I think to myself... "well, I know I'll wake up without a hangover tomorrow and that's worth it". Or I think... "man, I don't want to be at day 1 again and loose all these days trying to get to 30".

Also I suffer from anxiety and insomnia as well. These AF days adding up have done wonders for that. Especially the anxiety. I have taken sleep aids during this time, but a ton less then I was when I was adding AL. It's terrible not being able to sleep and I use to think AL would help me with that problem too.. It's not really quality sleep but at least it was some sleep. Really, I'm sleeping much better taking AL out of the picture.

It does get easier each day and week. I don't want to start over and that's why I won't slip. In the beginning I found it almost impossible to wrap my mind around not having a drink ever again for the rest of my life?? forever?? When that kind of overwhelmed feeling happens... I then go back to one day at a time... no hangover tomorrow.. etc...

Best of luck! I look forward to getting to know you.

-Choice

[newstart32]

Here I go ...

Day 3

Pride before Fall;958586 wrote:
One of my favorite threads is https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...ing-22609.html. I've found it really helpful to go there when the little voice says "I don't really have a problem," or "I really only need to cut down, then I'll be 'normal' ".
Pride

This was a great read! Thanks Pride. I could relate to 95% of the things that everyone said. (I read all 35 pages!) Amazing that we all feel so isolated by this addiction, yet we seem to find the same hiding tactics and have the same feelings of guilt. It seems somewhat wrong to feel comforted by the pain someone else has experienced, but I do feel comforted to know that I am not alone.

Also, one of the subjects touched on by MANY people that really hit me at the core was how they hated how their alcohol abuse had hurt their children. Wow. My kids are 3 and under right now and my 3 year old already knows what wine is. If I stop now I can hopefully erase or minimize his memories of a mommy who always has a glass (or actually, a plastic cup - hiding the wine!) in her hand and who gets short-tempered at night. I DO NOT want to look back in 10 years and be heartbroken that I couldn't stop when they were so little. In fact, this is going to be my #1 reason to quit. I already have enough mommy guilt over other parenting things, but those trivial things (too much TV, spoiling them with toys, etc.) are absolutely nothing in comparison with having to grow up with an alcoholic mother.

Choice: Thank you for sharing your thoughts on going day by day and setting small goals at a time. I think this is something that could work for me too. Also, I am pretty competitive (with myself and others) so I think that the idea of failing after I had a good chunk of time under my belt would motivate me to keep going.

* * *
Day 2 went well. Went to dinner with the husband and had a glass of water. This sort of unusual for me, so he asked me if I was still feeling sick. (I have had a cold/sinus thing for the last week.) I didn't go into any big explanation, but I told him that I was going to try not drinking for 30 days to try to get a little healthier. He just chuckled a bit and said, "good luck." Now remember, he doesn't know (or hasn't admitted to himself) that I have a big drinking problem. We've never talked about it. It's times like these where I am so tempted to come out and tell him exactly what has been going on for the last 10 years. But that is just too scary right now. That is like admitting I've been having an affair the entire time I have known him -- an affair with the bottle. On one hand I know he would be so supportive of me quitting and he would do everything in his power to help me. But I know part of him would be stunned and disappointed that I had hid something so big from him for so long.

I had a bit of an epiphany last night. I was trying to analyze why it is so hard for me to grasp the concept of never having another social drink at some point in the future. I know with all my heart that I should not do it, but there is a little part of me that wants to cry about the loss of not being able to toast to my kids at their weddings, or not being able to celebrate the new year with a single glass of champagne. Anyway, I realized that it's not so much the alcohol I will miss, but I am frightened by the idea of having to come clean (at least in the immediate future) to many people in my life about why I CANNOT have "just one." I have tried to hide my problem and there are only two or three close friends that I have talked with about this - and even then I downplayed it a lot.

I guess I will start with telling people (if I am pressed to drink) that I am trying to clean up my heath and that alcohol was an obvious thing to eliminate. I can tell people that I am trying to challenge myself to go alcohol free for 30 days. And at the end of 30 days I will tell them that I felt so great that I decided to keep going. I know it sounds so easy and straightforward when I write it here, but I think there are some people in my life that might push me on it. Luckily these are the people who I am closest to and the people that I think I could feel comfortable enough to admit to them that I had a problem.

Well there. Lot's of rambling to myself about myself, but I think I just solved my own problem in the last 5 minutes of writing. Duh. I am a big believer in journaling and getting things out in the open. Sorry if I am boring anyone here, but I hope that as I go along and share my story there might be someone lurking who can be touched enough by something I say to make changes to save their own life like I am trying to save mine.

Today is DAY 3. Tonight is going to be my first challenge of being home alone b/c my husband is working the night shift. On a night like this I would normally start with a glass of wine around dinner time and not stop until I was asleep.

So here is my plan/goal for tonight:
Watch a movie that I recorded on the DVR. (It's been YEARS since I have really watched any TV or movies. Because I would be too drunk to concentrate or follow it. Tonight I will try to find entertainment and comfort in a movie - not a bottle.)
Put together a photobook of my kids' pictures from 2009. (Again, something I've been putting off for a while because I am always too drunk to accomplish it. I feel like I need to find little projects for myself to keep myself busy in the evenings.)

I CAN DO IT!!!!!

[K9Lover]

Here I go ...

Hi Newstart!
Welcome, and congratulations on day 3! I have to say I really like your attitude, it's very positive and upbeat, so keep that up!
You are right, this journey is by no means an easy one, in fact in will probably be the hardest thing you've ever done. But you CAN do it. You asked about how long the desire or cravings would last...unfortunately they will probably always be there to some extent, they just get easier to ignore. I made it to 160 days and slipped. None of us are perfect. All that matters is we do the best we can, and put forth every effort to make this happen. You also commented on not being able to toast at your kids wedding...I guess the alternative is that you don't live long enough to see them get married?
I am by no means trying to be morbid here, and I know it's scary to face the reality. But I want to commend you on finding this site and sharing your story so honestly. Please keep reading around and posting! I look forward to getting to know you, and I wish you the all the best!
K9

[Pride before Fall]

Here I go ...

You also commented on not being able to toast at your kids wedding >>

NS, I remember saying that exact same thing when I first came here! Then saying, I guess it's probably better than getting drunk at the wedding and embarrassing them. DoggieGirl said something to the effect, "No probably about it, that's some truth." I've participated in a few toasts since I stopped drinking. I thumbed through Emily Post and she didn't have a single rule about using the "pretty glasses" only for alcohol.

I was an extremely good hider, and it took me a few weeks to tell me fiance just how much I was putting away (the hardest being, "Remember the last time we had sex?" "Yeah." "I don't.") The 2nd hardest was showing him my AUDIT score (a robust 20; anything over a 4 is considered risky drinking):

AUDIT Alcohol Screening Test - Alcohol & Substance Abuse, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) Cult & Depression

He's been really great about the whole thing, but expect your husband to be puzzled if you've been like me, throwing 3 back and hiding the empties before he even gets home from work. (Didn't I just love it when they invented those big boxes of wine?)

That socially embarrassed "What kind of freak of science am I now" feeling will fade but your health and sense of self-worth will improve every day. A pretty fair tradeoff!

xoxo Pride

[angel77]

Here I go ...

Hi Newstart, I really liked reading your journal entries. I think the little project's in the evenning sound like a fantastic idea. I might even think up some to do tonight! It also really touched me when you said that you don't want your children to grow up with an alcoholic mother. I myself had an alcoholic father and know first hand the effects it can and will have on children. You are so brave to try and face it now. Especially good, as they are still little. Now you will have a chance to be fully present with them. I have been telling others that I am on a detox when asked if id like a drink. Haha. Which is basically the truth anyway! I will certainly be reading your journal entries to come. I wish you all the luck there is for day 30.


Angel

[newstart32]

Here I go ...

K9 - Thanks for your support! I know things are tough for you right now but I really admire you being able to get 160 days under your belt in the first place. I will think good thoughts for you and hope that you are able to get back on track starting today.

AUDIT Alcohol Screening Test - Alcohol & Substance Abuse, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) Cult & Depression

Wow Pride! Thanks for another good link. I scored a 24. Sad. Very sad. Do you ever look back and think, "How on earth did I get here?" It's insane. I know I am SO early into this, but I have to say it feels great to not be living a double life. Even if it's only been 3 days. At this moment I can say I truly don't want to go back. As for the social drinking/toast thing - I am slowly realizing that I need to not even think about that right now. Worrying about that is not really where I need to focus today, right?

And I had to laugh at the boxed wine thing! I would keep a box of wine hidden in the cabinet and use that to refill the bottle in the fridge so that my family wouldn't notice how much was gone. It was like a magic, bottomless bottle.

Angel Thank you for your kind words! And thank you for reinforcing that fact that it is SO important to do this right now before my kids will remember too much.

***

I have a bunch of stuff to get done right now but I also have a bunch of stuff I want to write about today. Jeez, being sober gives you LOTS of time to actually THINK about stuff. Something I haven't done in quite a while.

I will be back later today with more, but I wanted to note that I successfully made it through last night - home alone - and it really wasn't that bad. There were certainly moments where I thought of my old habit and how nice it would be to pour myself a glass, but I kept telling myself that I shouldn't, I couldn't and I won't.

More later ...

[newstart32]

Here I go ...

Day 4

Definitely the most difficult evening so far. My husband is traveling, the kids are in bed, and I could easily pop open a bottle and no one would be the wiser. It's even trash night, so I wouldn't have to worry about hiding the empties till I could get them out to the trash. No hiding anything from anyone. I can't even remember the last night in years that he has traveled and I have not hit the bottle. (Except for when I was pregnant.)

But I'm not drinking.

I'm sitting here sipping some diet lemonade and watching tv. I figure I still have to answer to myself tomorrow. And goshdarnit, I don't want to have to start my counter over tomorrow, even though it only has a tiny little number on it. 4 days sober is the best I have done in at least the past 2 year and I am determined to see the number go higher and higher.

I have to say, I don't know that I am feeling real cravings for alcohol. I am feeling more of a craving for the habit of it. I dunno - maybe that's the same thing. A little part of me would like to have that feeling of mindlessly filling a giant cup with wine and feeling that numbness wash over me. But I don't feel driven to drink right now. I feel driven to make a CHOICE: drink or don't drink. And I know that the right choice is don't drink. It's a little more complicated than that in my mind, but I can't really figure out how to explain it right now. : )

Today a friend emailed with an offer to pick up some wine for me on an upcoming trip she is taking. She is a big drinker, but I think she is a heavy drinker at this point, not necessarily a real problem drinker. I have talked to her in the past and made joking references to how much I drink, but today I came 90% clean to her about what I was doing. I told her that I was taking at least 30 days off from drinking and that I needed to reevaluate my ability to handle drinking. I even told her that I had visited an AA meeting in July. I haven't told ANYONE this, aside from posting it on a message board for the entire world to see.

Haven't heard back from her but it will be interesting to see what she says. It felt good to spill the beans to someone. I have kept this stuffed down inside of me for SO long and it was eating me from the inside out. I think that's why I have been coming to MWO and rambling on and on. It feels so good just to talk about it. It's truly cathartic for me.

[newstart32]

Here I go ...

Day 5

I did it!!! I survived my first night of not drinking while my husband was out of town. This has been one of the biggest mental hurdles for me. I have convinced myself over the years that my anxiety over being alone (someone breaking in, fire, etc.) was a reason enough to drink till I passed out. But last night I managed to not drink, stay calm, and even sleep reasonably well. I woke up several times in the night, but I wasn't lying awake staring at the ceiling for hours on end.

This is huge. It is such a good reminder of how I was making ridiculous excuses to myself to be able to drink. How did I manage to lie to myself for so many years? It's sad.

My friend emailed me back and her response made me cry. (In a good way.) She was so supportive and said that she couldn't believe that I had been going through all of this on my own. I was really touched by her words.

Oh, I meant to write this yesterday: I need to look more into the whole alcohol addiction being related to a sugar addiction thing. I have eaten fairly low-carb over the past 18 months and have been happy with it. (Although I obviously continued to drink.) After I stopped drinking I found myself buying a giant bag of peanut butter M&Ms which is something I had not done in forever. I think it was twofold: I was wanting to treat myself to something and since I had taken away my normal treat (wine) this was the next choice. And and I think I was craving sugar more than I had in a long time. Anyway, I ate a scary amount of the bag and felt physically ill. It was a interesting moment when I realized I clearly have a problem with more than just alcohol. I wasn't prone to binging on candy recently, but I did do it when I was in my teens, before I found alcohol. And I always had that same sick, shameful feeling. Hmmmm. Definitely need to get into a therapist I think.

Finally, I wanted to make a list of things that I felt good about in the last few days. Reasons that make me believe I can continue to stay AF for as long as I want to:
It is so nice waking up rested, with a clear head and no hangover.
It is even more nice to go through my day and not have to pretend to my family and the world that I am not hungover.
I feel like I am in control of my own actions.
I don't feel like I am fighting a desire for alcohol, rather, I feel like I am making a conscious choice to change my lifestyle.


Most of all, I am very grateful to have found this community. I feel so proud of how far I have come in the last few days but I don't have anyone to share it with in my life. Yet. When I get some more time under my belt I think I will feel more comfortable coming out, but for now it's too raw and too close. But this forum allows me to talk and find people I can relate with. I don't mind if people don't comment, but I can see that people are reading. Thank you!

[one2many]

Here I go ...

GOOD FOR YOU! You did it Newstart, thats fantastic.

You are right in your approach, One day at a time, do NOT think of next week, the wedding I have next month etc etc, concentrate solely on today. Do it hour by hour, Minute by minute if you have to.....

You are doing great, very soon you will begin to FEEL great and take pride in what you are achieving day by day.

And remember, you are doing this for YOU!!

Stay Strong

Oney x

[Pride before Fall]

Here I go ...

I did it!!! I survived my first night of not drinking while my husband was out of town. >>

Excellent! Congrats, NS! My last blackout (and the last time I drank) was when my fiance was traveling in July. He just got back from another trip last night. No booze this time! I read "Drinking: A Love Story" instead. : )

Choice, good for you on 22 days as well!

[papmom3]

Here I go ...

Hi NS,
Yes and it does get easier and yes we all have to take it ODAT (one day at a time). I still have days when I fight with myself and say well, when I go out to dinner with dad and sis, I can have one glass of wine. That may well be true but then what will happen on the way home? Will I want to stop and get a bottle? Probably. And if not then, the next nite? Most assuredly. It is still very hard to wrap my head around never having a glass of wine again but deep down I know that my brain chemistry will never allow me to be a "normie" when it comes to AL. I then think about the occasion where I might think about having that one glass: How horrible will it be to just have my seltzer and lime or cranberry and seltzer? Am I really missing anything? The answer is a resounding NO!! Plus, I won't have ANY worries on the drive home and I will wake up the next morning refreshed and unhung. Because AL is pretty much poison to me and I haven't had it for so long, I am convinced that even one glass of wine will bring on the nose congestion and heartburn and I NEVER want to feel that again.
Even the most long term abstainer is just one breath/sip away from falling into the bottle again so as long as I don't let that first sip pass my lips I am OK for a while at least. Good luck on your journey and be sure to post and read often. It really helps!!

:l