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[fluff]

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Hi Newstart- Good thing starting a journal- I remember doing that when I joined here-it really helped me a lot-then I just drifted off to another web site -then started drinking again...
You are definitely doing great- kudos to you for surviving the night at home alone. You know -I think 3 days is the cleaning out of your system time-then you need to find things to fill in that drinking time. Good luck to you!:goodjob:

[paguy]

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Great job, Newstart! It comes across very loud in clear in your messaging that you are determined to beat this thing and you are taking all the right steps to be successful. As Papmom said, it does get easier with time but I don't think the temptations that are driven by the inner junkie will ever go away.

The key for me is to be constantly on the lookout and be aware of the triggers that set me off. One approach I learned is to blow a whistle sound in my mind whenever I feel the temptation. The whistle sound for me signals STOP and TAKE ACTION. My action is to immediately remind myself what the outcome will be and I quickly find something else to do!

Again, Congratulations on your success so far. You're doing a GREAT job!

[newstart32]

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Thank you to everyone for the visits, support and advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

It's funny, because I just sort of stumbled onto quitting this time around. If that makes any sense. The last (first) time was in July and I came off a really bad binge and cried for hours/days and finally went to an AA meeting. (And bawled my eyes out while I was there.) I felt like I was walking around in a coma for a few days. I knew I needed to quit drinking, but I was fighting it tooth and nail. I hated myself and hated the drinking, but I just didn't know any other way. I think I went 3 or 4 days and then drank again. Granted, I drank a little less than I had been at my lowest, but I was still drinking far too much and still blacking out at least 4 nights a week,usually more.

Two and a half months later brought me to last week. I had a cold but continued to drink about a bottle a night, on top of the Nyquil I was taking. One night I decided to google "drink a bottle of wine every night" just to get an idea of what this was doing to me. Somehow that led me to the MWO site and then to these forums. On Sunday I thought, 'what the heck' I may as well give this a try again. There was no drama. No crying. No hitting bottom. I just decided to give it a try.

And on the 2nd day it's like a switch flipped in me. I realized that I was coming up with excuses to be an alcoholic. I didn't even like being an alcoholic! My life is really not all that bad. Sure, the alcohol provided a nice time machine to make the boring, lonely evenings go by faster. But was that worth all the sh*t that came along with it? The hiding, the shame, the physical and emotional pain? I don't even know how to explain it exactly - but it was like I had convinced myself that I needed alcohol. Once I realized how stupid, irresponsible and ridiculous this was, it's like I've had no real desire to drink. Sure, there are moments of the day when the habit of drinking kicks in and I have to remember to steer myself in another direction.

I'm not getting cocky. I realize I'm only on day 6 right now. But I can't begin to explain how DIFFERENT I feel today than I have in the past 10 years. I don't even understand it myself.

I think one thing that is different from the past that I just grasped within the last few days - something that I had never been able to comprehend before - is that I cannot drink. Sounds so simple, right? It's ridiculous that it took me so many years to figure that out. Every time I've contemplated quitting, I've actually been contemplating cutting back. Moderating. I couldn't fathom a world without alcohol. But each day that I get further away from my last drink it becomes more and more clear to me that that was to be my LAST drink EVER.

I'm thinking of everyone out there that is fighting to stay AF as we head into the weekend. We can do this!!!!!! ODAT that will add up to a lifetime of better, healthier days.

[newstart32]

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Day 6

I was thinking about what I wrote last and wanted to come back and clarify for myself (my future self the might come back to these entries in a time of need) and anyone else that I did not mean to imply that this was easy. I thought more about it and realized that what I feel is calm. And accepting. It certainly is not easy to break this terrible habit but I feel like I have finally given up and submitted myself that it is something that isn't going to magically disappear.

I have so many huge hurdles to cross and I am terrified. I still have yet to tell my husband about this. I have yet to utter the word 'alcoholic' and give him any glimpse into all the sneaking and hiding I have been doing for 10 years. Just thinking about this conversation makes me cry. Yet I know it is one I will need to have very very soon.

Right now things are very even keel in my life. Monotonous and tedious - which is something that led me to drink in the past - but otherwise manageable. I truly fear the day something happens to make me feel like I need that time machine again. Like getting plastered and numbing everything, even with it's consequences, would be better than facing whatever challenge I was up against. Let's pray that that day doesn't come for a long time and that I have plenty of sobriety under my belt before I cross that bridge.

You hear of people who have long, long bouts of sobriety and then relapse. This is terrifying to me. But I guess for now I need to take it one day at a time. I am proud of my 6 days and I will be proud tomorrow morning when I was up for sober day 7.

Goodnight. :h

[newstart32]

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Day 8

I made it a full week!!!!!

I have come nowhere near a week of sobriety (other than when I was pregnant 2x) in over 10 years. Wow. I am so proud of myself. I want to go shout it from the rooftops, but then I remind myself that I was a closet alcoholic in the first place so no one really knows to be proud of me. Nevermind that! I will just be happy for myself. : )

Things for me to note about this week:

I have definitely been binge eating. While that is not as bad as binge drinking, it is certainly not healthy either. Mentally or physically. While out shopping today it was all I could do to not let myself buy a giant bag of chocolate. Interestingly, I passed right by the wine/beer aisle without batting an eye but it took every bit of strength for me to pass up the Halloween candy. I am trying to explore this mentally and figure out why I feel a need to stuff myself senseless. Whether it's with alcohol or food.

After I left the store I made a note to myself:

Live conscious. Live with conscience.

I need to train myself to be fully aware of all my actions. Just because I was zoned out in a mental haze doesn't make it excusable for me to binge on anything. And I need to stop and think about my conscience before I drink or mindlessly eat. Would I be ashamed if my family found me eating/drinking that amount of food/alcohol? Will *I* be ashamed of myself? If the answer to those questions is yes, than there is no amount of immediate pleasure that should outweigh that long term feeling of shame and guilt.

BTW, on a totally different note, I've been feeling a little off. This morning I was kind of shaky and lightheaded. I've been feeling tired, even though I've been getting plenty of quality sleep. And I feel like my short term memory is still very spotty. I pray that I haven't done extensive permanent damage to my brain. Hopefully this fuzzy, brown-out feeling is just from the minor withdrawal I am experiencing (I say minor because my symptoms seem very minor compared to what I hear about in others) and eventually I'll be back to normal. The scary thing is, "normal" was when I was a teenager so I don't even have a great memory of what that was like.

That's enough for tonight. Goodnight and good luck to all my fellow MWOers. Let's wake up healthy, happy and sober tomorrow morning. :h

[FreedGenie]

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Hi Newstart

Thanks for posting on my thread :-)

I have read your journal and think you are doing a fantastic job.

It must have been difficult hiding all this from your husband and frustrating that now you are
In control - you can't get the praise from him.

Keep up the good work - you are doing so well x

[newstart32]

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Day 10

I am in double digits. Woo hoo!!!!!

Last night was so hard. SO HARD. My husband is traveling all week and it seemed so tempting to just have a glass. Who am I kidding? I knew that glass would be a bottle or more. It honestly took every ounce of willpower I had to not drink.

Instead I went ahead and allowed myself some ice cream (I had been doing low carb the rest of the day) and listened to an anti-anxiety hypnosis cd. When the urge was the very strongest I told myself to sit down and watch TV for 10 minutes and then see how I felt. It was definitely not easy, but at a certain point in the evening I just knew that it was too late to start.

I was also meeting my friend for lunch - the one who I told about my drinking problem. I would have felt so ashamed looking her in the eye and lying about drinking. (Because I know I would have lied and told her I didn't drink.) I want to stop lying about it to everyone. I want to be an honest person.

I am so scared of feeling that feeling again. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Feeling that kind of temptation and fighting tooth and nail to overcome it? I really pray that it gets better with time.

[fluff]

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Hi Newstart- It will get easier-you have to believe that- just think of all the people that made it to a month-and it gets easier after that- you can do this--don't let that demon talk you back into it...the more you say no-the less it will nag you- like a little tot trying to get his way-don't give into the nagging thoughts! I found if I substitute my usual drink with a fruit tea- like cherry or blueberry-it really helps the urge to go away..
Congratulations on day 10!:goodjob:

[Margaret345]

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I just read your story. How are you doing? Come back and give us an update!

[Britches]

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Hello Newbie-yes give us an update-you are very inspiring! I am a new member as well and have a similar story to yours. I was alcohol free for 6 days and then had a couple of glasses wine and now am restarting. I ordered the book from Amazon and will read that which I believe will help.
Great job so far! Hope things are still going well...:goodjob:

[whatevah]

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Oh I am so sad... I have read this entire thread it is so inspiring and I can totally relate... Now it looks like it's been a month since you've posted. You want this so badly, and you deserve it too. I am worried about you and that maybe you feel it won't do any good to post unless you are not drinking. Come back and talk to us, if you are struggling or sliding down that slippery slope, let us tackle it together.

This is only my first day so I don't have much credibility, I'll admit. But I think about a time in my life when I was out of control with food and had gained 50 pounds. I would go on a diet for a short time. Then I would go off of it for a long time.... I would try and fail. Try and fail... but I always kept trying. And over time, the periods where I was trying got longer and the periods where I was failing grew shorter and eventually, I lost that 50 pounds and never gained more than 10 or 15 back at the most. So if you are failing right now, don't beat yourself up over it... just try again. And yes, I do know, easier said than done... Good luck I am thinking of you... Lisa