The thing about life changing events is that they stick in your memory like nothing else. Although it was 28 years ago, I can easily remember my first beer. The depth of this memory still astounds me. It was a crisp autumn night, a country road and a bunch of fellow high-school kids getting together for a drag race. Naturally a bit of a loaner, I was excited to be hanging out with a new group of friends – but also nervous and unsure in that teenage way. When offered an ice cold Bud, I did not hesitate to show I could fit in.
The thing I remember most is the magical feeling the beer created. As I made way to bottom of it, any feelings of insecurity just disappeared and I was suddenly at ease with myself. At the time I did not stop to think about what this might mean, what it might tell my about myself that alcohol seemed to fill something inside me like I was made for it, like it was waiting for me to discover it. I had come to that country road looking to make friends, and I had found one.
The thing about friendships is that they take on a life of their own and change over time. My friendship with alcohol certainly did. What was a rebellious relationship in my teens turned into an adventurous one in my 20’s and 30’s. It was a big, exciting world and my friend alcohol and I were going to get through it one party at a time. Never mind that I flunked out of college in the process; that was the price of adventure. Like any relationship, there were bumps in the road like that but overall, me and my now well-established friend were taking on the world together!
Sometime in my 30’s alcohol became more than a friend, it became a comforter. Now we weren't after adventure together, we were after solace, relaxation, refuge. With more of a home life now there weren’t all night parties or bar hopping escapades to go on but there were bottles of wine with dinner, beers after work, cocktails with buddies. Above all, though, I had in alcohol an understanding friend to turn to when life just got to be too much. I didn’t look at this as drinking alone; I looked at it as drinking with my only reliable friend.
Unfortunately, in my mid-to late 30’s and early 40’s this friendship took a turn for the worst. Alcohol was still a reliable refuge but it seemed to be causing some of the very problems from which I was taking refuge. I didn’t see this at the time, of course – you always want to see the best in old friends. But the evidence was stacking up, especially in the recycling bins. Friday stress relievers became lost weekends, misspent time and mornings of regret. Weeknight drinking became the norm as bottles of wine with dinner turned into bottles of anything, anything that helped get through the week. My body began to take a toll for this souring relationship – panic attacks, restless nights and shaking, dread-filled mornings. Relationships became strained, with my loving wife taking the brunt of it. My friend alcohol had definitely turned on me, but I didn't myself know what to do about it.
I came to My Way Out because I was looking for just that – a way out of my destructive relationship with alcohol. My first day without alcohol was May 17, 2010, the result of yet another heart to heart with my wife the night before, one in which I came to realize just how much my drinking was hurting her. I know they say you can’t get sober for anyone else but yourself but for me seeing the hurt in her eyes was the kick to gut I needed to get serious about sobriety. I could not at the time begin to even think about life without alcohol but I knew people did it so I Google’d away. The first thing that struck me was the support everyone was getting. There were many approaches to one common goal and people didn't (often) split hairs about anything other than helping each other. Then it was time to find my approach.
I had already been dry for a few days, white knuckling it out of sheer desperation and thoughts of losing the support of my loving wife. I wanted an answer to the intense cravings that made it impossible to think about anything else but alcohol. I wanted to try to get sober for at least 30 days and then see what happened. Personally, I found an answer in Baclofen. There is much talk about whether or not it is a “cure”, whether you can keep drinking on it, what this thing called “the switch” is, etc. All I know is that it absolutely shut down my cravings in the first couple of months and let me get on with rebuilding my life. Once my brain and body had somewhat recovered, I tapered off the Bac, an anti-depressent and a sleep aid. Not all at once, but under my doctor’s care and as I continued to replace them with a better diet, exercise and new-found spirituality.
A couple things have surprised me about sober life. The first is that I’m not bored, far from it, though it took a while for me to figure out what I liked doing. Many of the activities I thought I liked, such as golfing and fishing, revolved around alcohol. Once I was myself again I figured out I just didn’t like them, just the buzz I had while doing them. Cooking, reading, weekends away, church life – I guess it probably sounds boring, but there is a honest satisfaction, a peaceful happy-on-the-inside type feeling, that makes almost any activity enjoyable today. I used to be so worried about how to have fun sober, now I’ve realized that fun is what happens when you start showing up in your own life.
The second thing is how quickly I needed to replace the spiritual comfort alcohol gave me with a more earnest spiritual comfort, one that comes from practicing spiritual beliefs rather than drinking spirits from a bottle. I’ve always been “a person of faith” and as soon as alcohol was taken out of my life I felt a fire lit in my heart for spiritual things. Prayer, meditation and reading became a new hunger in my life and it’s been all the richer for it. When I was drinking, you could not have explained to me the richness of a spiritually rewarding life, it’s just something you have to experience.
So, what’s next? I don’t know. First, I’m eternally grateful for this site. I’m not a big chit chat kind of guy but I got the support I needed, both directly and indirectly, on the MWO boards. Writing this down for others to see I guess is one way I wanted to express my gratitude. I’m also working on making new friendships in real life, getting more active with my church and my local YMCA. I might even stop by an AA meeting because I hear we have a lot in common. Anyway, at age 43, it just seems like there is so much still waiting for me – watching my children grow up, growing closer with my wife, learning, growing, experience new things. Where I used to dread facing tomorrow, I now look forward to it - a clear headed, warm hearted, sober tomorrow. And, God willing, many more to come.
The thing I remember most is the magical feeling the beer created. As I made way to bottom of it, any feelings of insecurity just disappeared and I was suddenly at ease with myself. At the time I did not stop to think about what this might mean, what it might tell my about myself that alcohol seemed to fill something inside me like I was made for it, like it was waiting for me to discover it. I had come to that country road looking to make friends, and I had found one.
The thing about friendships is that they take on a life of their own and change over time. My friendship with alcohol certainly did. What was a rebellious relationship in my teens turned into an adventurous one in my 20’s and 30’s. It was a big, exciting world and my friend alcohol and I were going to get through it one party at a time. Never mind that I flunked out of college in the process; that was the price of adventure. Like any relationship, there were bumps in the road like that but overall, me and my now well-established friend were taking on the world together!
Sometime in my 30’s alcohol became more than a friend, it became a comforter. Now we weren't after adventure together, we were after solace, relaxation, refuge. With more of a home life now there weren’t all night parties or bar hopping escapades to go on but there were bottles of wine with dinner, beers after work, cocktails with buddies. Above all, though, I had in alcohol an understanding friend to turn to when life just got to be too much. I didn’t look at this as drinking alone; I looked at it as drinking with my only reliable friend.
Unfortunately, in my mid-to late 30’s and early 40’s this friendship took a turn for the worst. Alcohol was still a reliable refuge but it seemed to be causing some of the very problems from which I was taking refuge. I didn’t see this at the time, of course – you always want to see the best in old friends. But the evidence was stacking up, especially in the recycling bins. Friday stress relievers became lost weekends, misspent time and mornings of regret. Weeknight drinking became the norm as bottles of wine with dinner turned into bottles of anything, anything that helped get through the week. My body began to take a toll for this souring relationship – panic attacks, restless nights and shaking, dread-filled mornings. Relationships became strained, with my loving wife taking the brunt of it. My friend alcohol had definitely turned on me, but I didn't myself know what to do about it.
I came to My Way Out because I was looking for just that – a way out of my destructive relationship with alcohol. My first day without alcohol was May 17, 2010, the result of yet another heart to heart with my wife the night before, one in which I came to realize just how much my drinking was hurting her. I know they say you can’t get sober for anyone else but yourself but for me seeing the hurt in her eyes was the kick to gut I needed to get serious about sobriety. I could not at the time begin to even think about life without alcohol but I knew people did it so I Google’d away. The first thing that struck me was the support everyone was getting. There were many approaches to one common goal and people didn't (often) split hairs about anything other than helping each other. Then it was time to find my approach.
I had already been dry for a few days, white knuckling it out of sheer desperation and thoughts of losing the support of my loving wife. I wanted an answer to the intense cravings that made it impossible to think about anything else but alcohol. I wanted to try to get sober for at least 30 days and then see what happened. Personally, I found an answer in Baclofen. There is much talk about whether or not it is a “cure”, whether you can keep drinking on it, what this thing called “the switch” is, etc. All I know is that it absolutely shut down my cravings in the first couple of months and let me get on with rebuilding my life. Once my brain and body had somewhat recovered, I tapered off the Bac, an anti-depressent and a sleep aid. Not all at once, but under my doctor’s care and as I continued to replace them with a better diet, exercise and new-found spirituality.
A couple things have surprised me about sober life. The first is that I’m not bored, far from it, though it took a while for me to figure out what I liked doing. Many of the activities I thought I liked, such as golfing and fishing, revolved around alcohol. Once I was myself again I figured out I just didn’t like them, just the buzz I had while doing them. Cooking, reading, weekends away, church life – I guess it probably sounds boring, but there is a honest satisfaction, a peaceful happy-on-the-inside type feeling, that makes almost any activity enjoyable today. I used to be so worried about how to have fun sober, now I’ve realized that fun is what happens when you start showing up in your own life.
The second thing is how quickly I needed to replace the spiritual comfort alcohol gave me with a more earnest spiritual comfort, one that comes from practicing spiritual beliefs rather than drinking spirits from a bottle. I’ve always been “a person of faith” and as soon as alcohol was taken out of my life I felt a fire lit in my heart for spiritual things. Prayer, meditation and reading became a new hunger in my life and it’s been all the richer for it. When I was drinking, you could not have explained to me the richness of a spiritually rewarding life, it’s just something you have to experience.
So, what’s next? I don’t know. First, I’m eternally grateful for this site. I’m not a big chit chat kind of guy but I got the support I needed, both directly and indirectly, on the MWO boards. Writing this down for others to see I guess is one way I wanted to express my gratitude. I’m also working on making new friendships in real life, getting more active with my church and my local YMCA. I might even stop by an AA meeting because I hear we have a lot in common. Anyway, at age 43, it just seems like there is so much still waiting for me – watching my children grow up, growing closer with my wife, learning, growing, experience new things. Where I used to dread facing tomorrow, I now look forward to it - a clear headed, warm hearted, sober tomorrow. And, God willing, many more to come.
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