Hi everyone, you know the story... one too many mornings hungover and wondering, how--and will--I ever get this thing under control?
When I was 18 I did a LOT of partying in New Orleans, where I lived for a few years. It was a drinking city. If you had no inclination for alcohol when you moved there, you'd have one when you left...
At 20 I moved to California, where the drinking age was 21. I had always been a social drinker so I drank very little during that year and for years after. But still, after I turned 21, I used to worry because I'd buy a six pack of coors light every week and drink 3 on Friday and 3 on Saturday. I REALLY wanted those three beers and even though it was easy the rest of the week to not drink, it worried me. I had alcohol in my family and denial was something I was never going to indulge in.
I was diagnosed with Hodgekins Lymphoma when I was 20 and underwent radiation treatments and surgery to get rid of it. Seemed to work until almost 5 years later when it came back, worse than the first time. I also underwent a divorce--my husband's idea not mine. I moved out of my home on a Friday and started chemo on a Monday. My life was pretty rough. Anyway, after 6 months of really nasty chemotherapy and a month of radiation, and I was cured (I now have been in remission for 19 years). The problem was that, once I realized I might live, I had post traumatic stress and severe anxiety. I managed to hold myself together during the crisis but once it was over, I was falling apart--dealing with the fallout of my divorce which was sublimated by the cancer. Anyway, I had severe anxiety that the cancer would return or that I would get something else even worse. I had that anxiety for five full years (they say five years means you're cured, but I had gotten to 4 years and 11 months the first time, so I was terrified every time I'd have a check up).
That period of time was when my alcohol use really picked up. Whereas before, I was a relatively light drinker and only on weekends, I began to drink wine during the week to take the edge off my anxiety. It really freaking worked! At the time, I was drinking white zinfandel --about 2 glasses (roughly half a bottle) most nights, and the alcohol content was much lower than the kinds of wine I drink now.
I was so afraid I was getting a problem though. I needed it in a way that was uncomfortable for me. But it seemed that the only help back then was AA and total abstinence. Moderation Management would have been perfect for me at that time and might have worked, but it wasn't around yet. I used to joke "Why can't they have a group called Almost Alcoholics Anonymous"? I wanted to get control of it, not give it up, but I was so ashamed that I just dealt with it (or rather didn't deal with it). I have never been in denial, but I also have never been really ready to give it up.
I still mourn the idea of never drinking again. Everyone I know drinks, and it's no fun being the only sober person at a table (I know because I did manage to quit for a month a few years back--it really wasn't so bad but I haven't been able to do it again)...
I really began to worry when I realized that I would cut an evening with friends short so I could safely drive home and finish my drinking there. I wasn't going to do any drunk driving so I would leave after my two glass limit. And then go home and drink more.
Over the years, I switched to red wine and much heavier alcohol content. First it was half a bottle a night, then gradually a bottle, and now I can easily have a couple glasses out at dinner and come home and drink a bottle. On a daily basis. Yikes!! I don't want to stop drinking until I'm ready to go to sleep (i.e., pass out).
Five years ago, I became self employed and I work from home a lot.... this has not helped since I don't have that 6 a.m. alarm to keep me in line anymore.
I've never had a blackout but of course all memory from every night I drink is fuzzy.
I also have enough tolerance that I'm not too hungover most of the time. But tired? Oh yes, sooo tired. I have started to admit out loud to family and friends that I'm concerned about my drinking, but in a way that suggests that I like it too much and have it under control. They believe me.
I don't.
18 months ago I had surgery to replace two heart valves and a bypass--to repair damage done by the radiation treatments all those years ago. I have had a very hard time recovering and am only now starting to have my life back. My drinking was much improved for a long time because I was simply too sick to drink much. And I was also trying not to drink so much.
The past few months I've been under incredible stress and I feel it is just out of control. Tonight is the first night in over a week where I've had no alcohol.
I have anxiety with nothing to dull it.
I drink because I'm lonely too--I live alone and it's boring and it makes the time pass more quickly. And of course takes the edge off of any kind of sexual frustration that might or might not be occurring.
I drink with friends to be social.
I drink because I'm happy.
Because I'm sad.
Any reason will do.
My doctor has no idea how much I drink, I am so ashamed to admit it, plus I don't want it in my medical records. But I do think it's hindering my recovery and my cardiologist has made it clear he doesn't want me drinking at all.
AA is not going to happen.
I found this site and it's giving me hope and fear at the same time. What if I try this and it doesn't work? I have struggled with so many things. I'm so tired of struggling.
For the past year, I thought I was going to die because of my heart issues. Now I realize I'm going to live... Wow. So if that's the case, I've gotta get my shit together. I want to be healthy.
I am an attractive, successful, outgoing, blah blah blah 45 year old single woman.
I'm terrified.
I'm in that place where I don't want the monkey on my back any longer. But depressed at the idea of giving up my crutch which can also make things seem to be more fun (til the next day of course).
What if I can't do it? How much worse is it going to get? What is it doing to my heart, my liver, all of my systems and how can it possibly be that even the fact that I have heart issues hasn't gotten me to moderate or stop?
What I tell myself as I get ready to go to bed, sober... is that I know how happy I'm going to be tomorrow morning when I wake up, expecting the dry mouth etc. and discover that no, I didn't drink last night. It is such a good feeling.
On a positive note, I don't usually crave alcohol during the day (sometimes but not regularly). So daytimes aren't bad. It's nighttimes. And truly, even they aren't bad when I decide it's not going to happen that night and mean it.
What's so weird is how I will wake up in the morning feeling like shit and think NO WAY am I drinking tonight. But just about the time I'm feeling better (5 or 6 in the evening) I find an excuse to drink tonight and I KNOW it's BS but I don't even TRY to fight the urge. Don't even try.
That has got to change. Right now, I'm thinking that even if I could stop on weeknights it would be such a huge improvement. But I'm not in denial, I know that eventually, it'll creep back in. But, first things first, right?
I'm scared. Because I see the threads and all the struggle, and I wonder, will this program work? Sigh. Sorry for the extremely long rant. But that's my story.
When I was 18 I did a LOT of partying in New Orleans, where I lived for a few years. It was a drinking city. If you had no inclination for alcohol when you moved there, you'd have one when you left...
At 20 I moved to California, where the drinking age was 21. I had always been a social drinker so I drank very little during that year and for years after. But still, after I turned 21, I used to worry because I'd buy a six pack of coors light every week and drink 3 on Friday and 3 on Saturday. I REALLY wanted those three beers and even though it was easy the rest of the week to not drink, it worried me. I had alcohol in my family and denial was something I was never going to indulge in.
I was diagnosed with Hodgekins Lymphoma when I was 20 and underwent radiation treatments and surgery to get rid of it. Seemed to work until almost 5 years later when it came back, worse than the first time. I also underwent a divorce--my husband's idea not mine. I moved out of my home on a Friday and started chemo on a Monday. My life was pretty rough. Anyway, after 6 months of really nasty chemotherapy and a month of radiation, and I was cured (I now have been in remission for 19 years). The problem was that, once I realized I might live, I had post traumatic stress and severe anxiety. I managed to hold myself together during the crisis but once it was over, I was falling apart--dealing with the fallout of my divorce which was sublimated by the cancer. Anyway, I had severe anxiety that the cancer would return or that I would get something else even worse. I had that anxiety for five full years (they say five years means you're cured, but I had gotten to 4 years and 11 months the first time, so I was terrified every time I'd have a check up).
That period of time was when my alcohol use really picked up. Whereas before, I was a relatively light drinker and only on weekends, I began to drink wine during the week to take the edge off my anxiety. It really freaking worked! At the time, I was drinking white zinfandel --about 2 glasses (roughly half a bottle) most nights, and the alcohol content was much lower than the kinds of wine I drink now.
I was so afraid I was getting a problem though. I needed it in a way that was uncomfortable for me. But it seemed that the only help back then was AA and total abstinence. Moderation Management would have been perfect for me at that time and might have worked, but it wasn't around yet. I used to joke "Why can't they have a group called Almost Alcoholics Anonymous"? I wanted to get control of it, not give it up, but I was so ashamed that I just dealt with it (or rather didn't deal with it). I have never been in denial, but I also have never been really ready to give it up.
I still mourn the idea of never drinking again. Everyone I know drinks, and it's no fun being the only sober person at a table (I know because I did manage to quit for a month a few years back--it really wasn't so bad but I haven't been able to do it again)...
I really began to worry when I realized that I would cut an evening with friends short so I could safely drive home and finish my drinking there. I wasn't going to do any drunk driving so I would leave after my two glass limit. And then go home and drink more.
Over the years, I switched to red wine and much heavier alcohol content. First it was half a bottle a night, then gradually a bottle, and now I can easily have a couple glasses out at dinner and come home and drink a bottle. On a daily basis. Yikes!! I don't want to stop drinking until I'm ready to go to sleep (i.e., pass out).
Five years ago, I became self employed and I work from home a lot.... this has not helped since I don't have that 6 a.m. alarm to keep me in line anymore.
I've never had a blackout but of course all memory from every night I drink is fuzzy.
I also have enough tolerance that I'm not too hungover most of the time. But tired? Oh yes, sooo tired. I have started to admit out loud to family and friends that I'm concerned about my drinking, but in a way that suggests that I like it too much and have it under control. They believe me.
I don't.
18 months ago I had surgery to replace two heart valves and a bypass--to repair damage done by the radiation treatments all those years ago. I have had a very hard time recovering and am only now starting to have my life back. My drinking was much improved for a long time because I was simply too sick to drink much. And I was also trying not to drink so much.
The past few months I've been under incredible stress and I feel it is just out of control. Tonight is the first night in over a week where I've had no alcohol.
I have anxiety with nothing to dull it.
I drink because I'm lonely too--I live alone and it's boring and it makes the time pass more quickly. And of course takes the edge off of any kind of sexual frustration that might or might not be occurring.
I drink with friends to be social.
I drink because I'm happy.
Because I'm sad.
Any reason will do.
My doctor has no idea how much I drink, I am so ashamed to admit it, plus I don't want it in my medical records. But I do think it's hindering my recovery and my cardiologist has made it clear he doesn't want me drinking at all.
AA is not going to happen.
I found this site and it's giving me hope and fear at the same time. What if I try this and it doesn't work? I have struggled with so many things. I'm so tired of struggling.
For the past year, I thought I was going to die because of my heart issues. Now I realize I'm going to live... Wow. So if that's the case, I've gotta get my shit together. I want to be healthy.
I am an attractive, successful, outgoing, blah blah blah 45 year old single woman.
I'm terrified.
I'm in that place where I don't want the monkey on my back any longer. But depressed at the idea of giving up my crutch which can also make things seem to be more fun (til the next day of course).
What if I can't do it? How much worse is it going to get? What is it doing to my heart, my liver, all of my systems and how can it possibly be that even the fact that I have heart issues hasn't gotten me to moderate or stop?
What I tell myself as I get ready to go to bed, sober... is that I know how happy I'm going to be tomorrow morning when I wake up, expecting the dry mouth etc. and discover that no, I didn't drink last night. It is such a good feeling.
On a positive note, I don't usually crave alcohol during the day (sometimes but not regularly). So daytimes aren't bad. It's nighttimes. And truly, even they aren't bad when I decide it's not going to happen that night and mean it.
What's so weird is how I will wake up in the morning feeling like shit and think NO WAY am I drinking tonight. But just about the time I'm feeling better (5 or 6 in the evening) I find an excuse to drink tonight and I KNOW it's BS but I don't even TRY to fight the urge. Don't even try.
That has got to change. Right now, I'm thinking that even if I could stop on weeknights it would be such a huge improvement. But I'm not in denial, I know that eventually, it'll creep back in. But, first things first, right?
I'm scared. Because I see the threads and all the struggle, and I wonder, will this program work? Sigh. Sorry for the extremely long rant. But that's my story.
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