I'm a return offender

[Juley]

I've been here before. I've done well before but I just keep falling back into old and bad habits.
Everytime I think I've sorted myself, something will happen. Be it extra stress at work or a text message from my ex.. I have a drink.. then a bottle or two of wine later I'm a mess. Or at least the next day. Then it just continues.

I can't understand how I can't talk myself out of it. I'm a highly intelligent woman to the extent I've become an expert at hiding this problem from others. At this stage though I see other people aren't that stupid and suspect what's going on. Because it's a sensitive subject few interfere but I've had family advise me to stop drinking, which quite frankly is embarrassing.

My life has become stagnate. I work, sometimes go to gym, come home and drink. Weekends are Friday evening wine, Saturday in bed, Saturday evening wine and Sunday recovering. I cancel plans with friends due to hangovers. I've stopped dating because I feel like crap and feel so bad about myself I don't feel I can make the effort.

Now my health has become affected. I have to go for a series of tests next week because of my constant illness, infections to stomach bugs.

I have no idea how to get this under control but I know I want to. I've admitted to myself a long long time ago that I have a problem. I know that's the first step but if so why do I take other steps to the Wine Store and buy not just one but two bottles on a Saturday evening. And why 2? In case I want more after the 1st. How sad is that? I even lie in the store and tell them I'm having friends around!!
However, I just can't do it anymore. It's affecting my health, my general life, my looks, my bank account.
It also makes me very very very sad.

[Samantha T.]

I'm a return offender

Hi Juley,
As I was reading your post, I thought I was reading a post of my own. Your story parallels mine right down to the last sentence. I, too, have tried many, many, many (countless) times in the past to quit my two-bottle-a-day wine routine and never had much success. The one thing I can suggest is keep trying different things. The "different thing" I tried was finding a good addiction therapist. When I first went to her, she even told me to keep drinking if that is what I felt I needed to do. I drank for the past year and half that I was working with her, then things finally started shifting. If you do a search under all posts by me, you can read what I have written about my experience with her and how it has helped me.

When I met her, I was in AA and not so enamoured with the AA process, so I quit AA. But I realized that I needed support, so that is why I sought her out.

You sound like you are just about at the end of your rope, a good place to be in order to take the next steps to begin to turn things around. I am certainly no expert as I am only 8 days sober myself, but I can tell you this, something has "shifted" in me this time around. A big help has been this board, reading the posts of people who are successfully quitting this madness. Also reading the posts of those who are struggling helps me to realize we are all in this together.

I can totally feel your sadness and isolation. That is exactly the way I have been feeling for the past 10 years. Like you, I have not dated (not once in 11 years), and always cancel plans with friends because I was too afraid they could tell what was going on by how bad I looked. So I would just stay home and drink. Pathetic. But as pathetic as it was, I think I had to wallow in it long enough in order to start clawing my way back out.

I don't have much to offer except to say that the part of you that recognizes all of the madness for what it really is is the part of you that wants to get sober. Listen to her. She is much stronger than you might think. She is your higher Self and she wants you to live the life you deserve.

Stick around here. There is much compassion and wisdom and help.

[Juley]

I'm a return offender

Wow Samantha, what an amazing reply and thank you so much.
I have such guilt hanging over me for 'how I am' and is nice to have it removed a little to help me see a little clearer.
I know for a long time I need to seek counselling for matters even apart from my drinking. I'm quite sure it's all linked. But yes, worth looking into it now for sure. I always make excuses about lack of money but hey, if I'm p'ing 20 euro of wine down the loo a few nights a week, then all the money in the world is worth getting help.

Glad to hear you've gotten on track even if it is only a short time. Everyday is a good day without it. I considered AA but from what I've seen they replace the addiction with another, be it the dependency on your sponsor etc. It's not for me either. Don't think in Ireland it's God related (funnily enough). I just don't like that 'Cult' feeling.

Thank you so much for your support.

[Ringing Cedars]

I'm a return offender

Just want to say welcome back Juley and hope that you stick around for the support that is here. You are obviously not a newbie and know some of what you need to do in order to do what you WANT to do. I was starting to go down that road of buying two bottles just because I knew I would want more than one. I have since stopped that through sheer determination and wanting a better life. I am using the forum for support to find my way and it helps. All the best to you claiming your life back!

[Juley]

I'm a return offender

Ringing Cedars.. you couldn't have put it better than 'Claiming your life back'
That's exactly what I'm trying to do. Can't remember anymore when I had a 'Life'.
Yesterday I was off work sick (again) and on antibiotics (again). I lay there crying most the day and realised that this is a bare exsistance.. not a life.

[Ringing Cedars]

I'm a return offender

Yah...it's what we're meant to do....some have to do it sooner than other....some not at all....and we try .....

[Ringing Cedars]

I'm a return offender

Sorry if that sounded trite...not my intention at all....many times we need to reclaim our life....sorry I don't have more practical answers atm...look forward to ttyl

[Wally22]

I'm a return offender

Hi Juley
Welcome back, although I never met you the other times. We have similar stories except I didn't drink wine. Beer, vodka and scotch are my weaknesses. I am 4 months sober now and am seeing an addiction therapist as well. I don't see him that often. He is a physician and an alcoholic as well. The best thing he gave me was a prescription for antabuse. I don't know what they call it in Ireland, but you can google it I'm sure.
For me it's the wonder drug. I can't drink because it will make me very very ill.
Voila!!!! No inner dialogue, no will power, I have no choice!!!! All I need to do is put that green pill in the pill case with all the others I take on a daily basis and swallow it in the morning (when my resolve is usually the highest).
At this point I don't even think about it any more. You can take it for a long long time. You can pursue therapy and other forms of help, but in the meantime, YOU'RE NOT DRINKING!!! Whoo Hoo. How simple is that!
Right now I know that if I stopped taking the pill, I would start drinking again. However as long as I take the pill, I don't feel the urge to drink. I mean think about it. Would you really choose to be violently sick to your stomach and have to be rushed to emergency?