My best friend is by far the prettiest -- and wildest -- girl in town, and I follow her lead unquestioningly. She's doing some serious drinking by the time we turn 16... so is my first boyfriend... and they both put a lot of pressure on me to join in. I am anxious for their approval... these two are both very "cool" and I am not... and besides, I soon find out that I like to drink and smoke cigarettes. I come to associate alcohol with getting dressed up, going out, meeting friends, dating, boyfriends, socializing, concerts, storytelling, fun... in other words... good times. There is NO stigma to heavy drinking in the small town when and where I grew up thirty years ago? and where alcohol is concerned, I never do grow up.
I move to a big city 3000 miles away after college and continue to drink hard... which works out fine during my twenties. I have a remarkable constitution; I can drink anyone under the table and show up for work the next day no hangover, no problem, and do it all again that night, and the next? I do well at work and move steadily up the ladder. As I move into my thirties I do start to notice that it's much harder to find people to accompany me to the bars after work... everyone is now busy with spouse, kids, etc. Not me; I still want to have fun! I?m not quite sure how everyone manages to get married anyway? I am reasonably attractive but have ?bad luck? with men. Of course the only place I ever meet them is in bars, but why would I want to meet them anywhere else? Drinking is what real men do, in my mind. A ?date? includes heavy drinking. I definitely have a reputation as a partier and good time girl... a label that is fine with me and I am actually proud of, though looking back, it is probably not meant in a good way.
My brother's small business suddenly explodes and he is a single, successful millionaire looking to celebrate... which leads to four or five years of absolutely amazing vacations, nights out, parties, restaurants, new friends and, of course, lots more hard drinking... in much more expensive places. We have the best times ever... all alcohol fueled. My brother and I jokingly call each other "alcoholic" sometimes, when one of us (me usually) really ties one on or we have a bad argument while drinking... but we are kidding. We are enjoying life and celebrating his much deserved success. Neither of us suffer any real consequences from drinking. We both have plenty of money for bar bills etc. I go out on my own in business and do fairly well, so my schedule is now my own. Still, I have never missed a day of work in my life due to drinking/hangover at this point. I never get a DUI or in trouble with the law. I don't drink in the daytime (makes me fall asleep) and generally go for days... sometimes weeks... without alcohol. I/we are big social weekend/vacation bingers, for sure, and don?t see a thing in the world wrong with that.
There are casualties along the way among friends and acquaintances... especially those we hear about from our faraway hometown -- arrests, rehabs, fatal car wrecks, suicides -- plenty of them, all alcohol related... and while I always feel bad for the person involved, I never once worry about my own drinking. My oldest girlfriend gradually gives up drinking and drugs and becomes very health conscious... and quite frankly I miss my old pal, the life of the party who will say or do anything. I am not quite as eager to make the long trip to visit her every year. And when I do make it out to see her, I spend a lot of time with the (fewer) remaining hard drinkers who basically have no life and are free to go out at night. I sit in bars with them instead of staying at home talking with my friend and her husband and baby... babies plural as the years pass. I also become much closer to her sister, who is still very much in the drinking/drugging small-town circle and has a number of iffy friends. The sister eggs me on as I disloyally complain about what a boring drag my oldest friend has become.
It?s bound to happen and finally does... my brother meets the right woman and gets married. I lose my best friend, closest confidante and favorite drinking buddy in one swoop. So... now I'm in my early 40s... everyone settled down but me. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I am sad and lonely and things start to slide out of control a little bit. I start drinking more and my famous constitution deserts me at times. I start getting hangovers. I can't seem to find as many drinking buddies as I used to, so for the first time in my life I buy alcohol in the store to keep at home. And begin to drink it. Alone?. While I think about how alone I really am and how I somehow missed the boat. I have a few embarrassing blackouts, where friends tell me I called/emailed/texted them the night before and I don't remember it. For the first time, at a friend?s late afternoon shower where champagne is served, I notice that I find it very hard to STOP once I have a few sips. It occurs to me I have a problem... then I tell myself... it just can't be. after all this time? please. I've been drinking for YEARS... I can handle my liquor... (a real point of pride) Sheesh. I tell myself to pull it together!
Due to being loud and rude at a couple of industry conventions while drunk I embarrass myself badly with some important business contacts. More than one person tells me I have a real mean streak and sharp tongue when I drink. I begin to blackout regularly. I am cut off at a trendy bar/restaurant while out with friends, which is extremely humiliating. I have a one-night stand -- if you call leaving a bar with a complete stranger, having unsafe sex and returning to same bar a "one night stand." I cannot remember what actually happens, the guy's name (if I ever knew it) or how I managed to drive home that night. I do remember very clearly the look of absolute disgust look the bartender gives me when I stumble back in, clothing disheveled, and order another drink. He refuses and tells me to leave his bar. My ?date? turns away and keeps drinking, unconcerned.
OK, whoa now, this is getting out of hand here... I'm a fun person, I always have been, don't mind being a bit wild at heart... but this is too much. I am really NOT the kind of sleazy barfly who behaves this way? it?s particularly pathetic at my age?I?m no kid. I tell myself it's really time to cool it, and that the stress of running my own business is getting to me, along with the recession and getting older... and I just need better control. I try to talk to my brother -- the only person I really trust -- about my worries while drinking (naturally) at his house one night, but he is distracted by his own business troubles and new baby and tells me I should probably cool it a bit, but I don't really have a problem. Compared to a lot of people we know, he's right, I don't.
A year ago my former boss and mentor of many years gets sick and dies a prolonged and horribly painful death, leaving a huge hole in my personal and professional lives. Not to mention on a more practical level he sent me a lot of business which is now gone forever. I have a couple other very disappointing business reversals on projects that should have taken off. I feel I am living under a black cloud and start to drink at home regularly? almost nightly? and brood about everything. The blackouts continue and some very embarrassing texts are sent one night a couple of months ago. One in particular is so bad it?s very hard for me to believe I sent it? in fact I don?t know I did till the recipient calls me the next day and responds verbally. I have no idea what he?s talking about? then I look at my phone. OK, wow. This drinking is getting way, seriously out of hand. Something should be done. It is right then that I find this forum online and start to read the entries regularly. But I do not join or post. I am still in denial... I really just need to put the reins on my drinking.
I decide I need a break. Business is terrible... as everyone's is in this recession... and I will go home to see the people who care about me, and get away from all the hardhearted backstabbing people here. The first night I get falling down drunk at the only "fancy" restaurant in town and throw up violently in the bathroom. Then leave with a (married) guy and wake up not sure what happened, though it?s pretty easy to guess. This is a small town and I feel very chastened, though I tell myself it's not so bad because I actually know this man... he wasn't an actual total stranger so it's really OK. But in my heart I know it?s not.
My last night in town my best friend, who has been wonderful, takes me to her sister's house for what is meant to be a quiet visit. Her whole family is there, all the many siblings, and one of them mixes some very strong drinks. I get blackout drunk and proposition my best friend?s brother... who has been married for more than ten years to a woman I like very much. (I was, of course, a guest at their wedding... they have three children.) The proposition includes ripping off my shirt and bra and flashing him. If I live to be a hundred I will never forget the look of shock and dismay on his face. I am immediately tossed out of the house by his furious wife. I return to where I'm staying, calling yet another (married) guy to meet me as I speed drunkenly on dangerous country roads. The two of us meet and drink beer until 6am. I then sleep/pass out for two hours, then pack and drive to the airport 50 miles away at 9am -- still quite drunk.
I crawl into bed for 3 days upon my return home... finally get up last night and drag myself to an AA meeting that I find online. As soon as I walk in the door and sit down I burst into tears and cry steadily for the next hour and a half... through the entire meeting... unable to stop long enough to talk at all. I do not know what to say or do anyway. A woman speaks of the "shame" and "humiliation" drinking brought her and the words resonate. I never knew it was possible to feel this ashamed, guilty, sick at heart. I think about how at one point? not that long ago? I would actually find what I did a funny drinking story? but it?s not. I will never, never find anything about that particular incident funny or amusing. Oh, I?ve done worse things? but this pierces right to the very heart of me.
One thought runs continually through my mind during the entire meeting. ?It's come to this." And so it has.
I move to a big city 3000 miles away after college and continue to drink hard... which works out fine during my twenties. I have a remarkable constitution; I can drink anyone under the table and show up for work the next day no hangover, no problem, and do it all again that night, and the next? I do well at work and move steadily up the ladder. As I move into my thirties I do start to notice that it's much harder to find people to accompany me to the bars after work... everyone is now busy with spouse, kids, etc. Not me; I still want to have fun! I?m not quite sure how everyone manages to get married anyway? I am reasonably attractive but have ?bad luck? with men. Of course the only place I ever meet them is in bars, but why would I want to meet them anywhere else? Drinking is what real men do, in my mind. A ?date? includes heavy drinking. I definitely have a reputation as a partier and good time girl... a label that is fine with me and I am actually proud of, though looking back, it is probably not meant in a good way.
My brother's small business suddenly explodes and he is a single, successful millionaire looking to celebrate... which leads to four or five years of absolutely amazing vacations, nights out, parties, restaurants, new friends and, of course, lots more hard drinking... in much more expensive places. We have the best times ever... all alcohol fueled. My brother and I jokingly call each other "alcoholic" sometimes, when one of us (me usually) really ties one on or we have a bad argument while drinking... but we are kidding. We are enjoying life and celebrating his much deserved success. Neither of us suffer any real consequences from drinking. We both have plenty of money for bar bills etc. I go out on my own in business and do fairly well, so my schedule is now my own. Still, I have never missed a day of work in my life due to drinking/hangover at this point. I never get a DUI or in trouble with the law. I don't drink in the daytime (makes me fall asleep) and generally go for days... sometimes weeks... without alcohol. I/we are big social weekend/vacation bingers, for sure, and don?t see a thing in the world wrong with that.
There are casualties along the way among friends and acquaintances... especially those we hear about from our faraway hometown -- arrests, rehabs, fatal car wrecks, suicides -- plenty of them, all alcohol related... and while I always feel bad for the person involved, I never once worry about my own drinking. My oldest girlfriend gradually gives up drinking and drugs and becomes very health conscious... and quite frankly I miss my old pal, the life of the party who will say or do anything. I am not quite as eager to make the long trip to visit her every year. And when I do make it out to see her, I spend a lot of time with the (fewer) remaining hard drinkers who basically have no life and are free to go out at night. I sit in bars with them instead of staying at home talking with my friend and her husband and baby... babies plural as the years pass. I also become much closer to her sister, who is still very much in the drinking/drugging small-town circle and has a number of iffy friends. The sister eggs me on as I disloyally complain about what a boring drag my oldest friend has become.
It?s bound to happen and finally does... my brother meets the right woman and gets married. I lose my best friend, closest confidante and favorite drinking buddy in one swoop. So... now I'm in my early 40s... everyone settled down but me. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I am sad and lonely and things start to slide out of control a little bit. I start drinking more and my famous constitution deserts me at times. I start getting hangovers. I can't seem to find as many drinking buddies as I used to, so for the first time in my life I buy alcohol in the store to keep at home. And begin to drink it. Alone?. While I think about how alone I really am and how I somehow missed the boat. I have a few embarrassing blackouts, where friends tell me I called/emailed/texted them the night before and I don't remember it. For the first time, at a friend?s late afternoon shower where champagne is served, I notice that I find it very hard to STOP once I have a few sips. It occurs to me I have a problem... then I tell myself... it just can't be. after all this time? please. I've been drinking for YEARS... I can handle my liquor... (a real point of pride) Sheesh. I tell myself to pull it together!
Due to being loud and rude at a couple of industry conventions while drunk I embarrass myself badly with some important business contacts. More than one person tells me I have a real mean streak and sharp tongue when I drink. I begin to blackout regularly. I am cut off at a trendy bar/restaurant while out with friends, which is extremely humiliating. I have a one-night stand -- if you call leaving a bar with a complete stranger, having unsafe sex and returning to same bar a "one night stand." I cannot remember what actually happens, the guy's name (if I ever knew it) or how I managed to drive home that night. I do remember very clearly the look of absolute disgust look the bartender gives me when I stumble back in, clothing disheveled, and order another drink. He refuses and tells me to leave his bar. My ?date? turns away and keeps drinking, unconcerned.
OK, whoa now, this is getting out of hand here... I'm a fun person, I always have been, don't mind being a bit wild at heart... but this is too much. I am really NOT the kind of sleazy barfly who behaves this way? it?s particularly pathetic at my age?I?m no kid. I tell myself it's really time to cool it, and that the stress of running my own business is getting to me, along with the recession and getting older... and I just need better control. I try to talk to my brother -- the only person I really trust -- about my worries while drinking (naturally) at his house one night, but he is distracted by his own business troubles and new baby and tells me I should probably cool it a bit, but I don't really have a problem. Compared to a lot of people we know, he's right, I don't.
A year ago my former boss and mentor of many years gets sick and dies a prolonged and horribly painful death, leaving a huge hole in my personal and professional lives. Not to mention on a more practical level he sent me a lot of business which is now gone forever. I have a couple other very disappointing business reversals on projects that should have taken off. I feel I am living under a black cloud and start to drink at home regularly? almost nightly? and brood about everything. The blackouts continue and some very embarrassing texts are sent one night a couple of months ago. One in particular is so bad it?s very hard for me to believe I sent it? in fact I don?t know I did till the recipient calls me the next day and responds verbally. I have no idea what he?s talking about? then I look at my phone. OK, wow. This drinking is getting way, seriously out of hand. Something should be done. It is right then that I find this forum online and start to read the entries regularly. But I do not join or post. I am still in denial... I really just need to put the reins on my drinking.
I decide I need a break. Business is terrible... as everyone's is in this recession... and I will go home to see the people who care about me, and get away from all the hardhearted backstabbing people here. The first night I get falling down drunk at the only "fancy" restaurant in town and throw up violently in the bathroom. Then leave with a (married) guy and wake up not sure what happened, though it?s pretty easy to guess. This is a small town and I feel very chastened, though I tell myself it's not so bad because I actually know this man... he wasn't an actual total stranger so it's really OK. But in my heart I know it?s not.
My last night in town my best friend, who has been wonderful, takes me to her sister's house for what is meant to be a quiet visit. Her whole family is there, all the many siblings, and one of them mixes some very strong drinks. I get blackout drunk and proposition my best friend?s brother... who has been married for more than ten years to a woman I like very much. (I was, of course, a guest at their wedding... they have three children.) The proposition includes ripping off my shirt and bra and flashing him. If I live to be a hundred I will never forget the look of shock and dismay on his face. I am immediately tossed out of the house by his furious wife. I return to where I'm staying, calling yet another (married) guy to meet me as I speed drunkenly on dangerous country roads. The two of us meet and drink beer until 6am. I then sleep/pass out for two hours, then pack and drive to the airport 50 miles away at 9am -- still quite drunk.
I crawl into bed for 3 days upon my return home... finally get up last night and drag myself to an AA meeting that I find online. As soon as I walk in the door and sit down I burst into tears and cry steadily for the next hour and a half... through the entire meeting... unable to stop long enough to talk at all. I do not know what to say or do anyway. A woman speaks of the "shame" and "humiliation" drinking brought her and the words resonate. I never knew it was possible to feel this ashamed, guilty, sick at heart. I think about how at one point? not that long ago? I would actually find what I did a funny drinking story? but it?s not. I will never, never find anything about that particular incident funny or amusing. Oh, I?ve done worse things? but this pierces right to the very heart of me.
One thought runs continually through my mind during the entire meeting. ?It's come to this." And so it has.
Keep close it will help you beyond what you can imagine, you are not alone!
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