I have been lurking for a while, reading posts, read the book. I decided to post today because maybe this will give me a start in putting down the beer and making something of my life before it's too late.
I have been drinking since I was 14 and I will be 36 next week. It started out with drinking with friends at parties, etc. It never was a problem for me when my kids were born and little as I was busy taking care of them and working full time. Besides, I was too busy dealing with their dads alcohol problems and consequences of same. One of many instances -He once came home drunk, walked into our room, woke me up asking where the guy was-he thought I was hiding another man. Then he put a loaded pistol to my head after I tried to leave with our boys. I left with the kids to my parents house in my pjs and no shoes. I still don't know how I got him to put down the gun. When I left he was sitting on our bed clicking the barrel. I fully expected him to kill himself that night. He stopped drinking for a while after that and started seeing a therapist. Things did get better. But he drank again. That was 10 years ago.
Then over the years we kind of switched places and MY drinking and behavior became the problem. We both would drink and do cocaine. I would do things that embarrassed him and myself. I would promise to behave and would get sloppy drunk and do stupid things. Then he would get angry and our arguments, alcohol fueled, would become physical. While I was out of town working, he got a girlfriend who was a friend or so I thought. They had an affair that I wasn't able to stop until 9 months later I gave him an ultimatum. He chose our family over her. I thought I was happy. My drinking now became the biggest problem. Along with discovering I was bisexual and dealing with all of those confusing feelings and pain. I started to cut myself. I was hurting and damn angry and alcohol made things easier. We still drank together alot and did cocaine. But it was ME who had the problem according to him. One night I got cozy with a girl friend and made her boyfriend very angry. I became physically uncontrollable and he actually called my parents to come deal with me. About 3 weeks after that episode I ended up in Rehab for 21 days. I gave up drinking for 40 very long days. I went to AA a few times. Then when we were out to lunch he suggested that I could have one beer and I thought about it and boom. Back to drinking and everything was back to where it was before. I started to hate him. I hated him because I knew he wasn't supporting me in my desire to change. I knew that from that moment I didn't love him anymore. I withdrew from our relationship gradually over the next couple of years. I started seeing a therapist. I wanted to divorce but he wanted to stay married. Finally, he had enough and agreed to divorce, telling me that he didn't want to jump into another relationship and hoped that I would do the same (which is funny cause he already had a girlfriend by the time he moved out two weeks later). So now, the divorce is final. He lives with his girlfriend and we share custody of our boys age 10 and 13. I am alone alot when the boys aren't here. I am glad to be free of him, I thought my problems with alcohol would leave when he left. But alcohol stayed and dug in hard. I did a special diet for 6 weeks and lost 32 lbs and only drank once in the 6 weeks, then was so hungover I faked a migraine to get out of my sons basketball game. I am ashamed that my boys see me drunk. I try to hide it but they know. I feel so lonely and used up and unwanted. I want to get control of my life.
I read somewhere on the board...I will not drink alcohol today, I will worry about tomorrow when it comes. This is my plan for today. Thanks for listening.
I have been drinking since I was 14 and I will be 36 next week. It started out with drinking with friends at parties, etc. It never was a problem for me when my kids were born and little as I was busy taking care of them and working full time. Besides, I was too busy dealing with their dads alcohol problems and consequences of same. One of many instances -He once came home drunk, walked into our room, woke me up asking where the guy was-he thought I was hiding another man. Then he put a loaded pistol to my head after I tried to leave with our boys. I left with the kids to my parents house in my pjs and no shoes. I still don't know how I got him to put down the gun. When I left he was sitting on our bed clicking the barrel. I fully expected him to kill himself that night. He stopped drinking for a while after that and started seeing a therapist. Things did get better. But he drank again. That was 10 years ago.
Then over the years we kind of switched places and MY drinking and behavior became the problem. We both would drink and do cocaine. I would do things that embarrassed him and myself. I would promise to behave and would get sloppy drunk and do stupid things. Then he would get angry and our arguments, alcohol fueled, would become physical. While I was out of town working, he got a girlfriend who was a friend or so I thought. They had an affair that I wasn't able to stop until 9 months later I gave him an ultimatum. He chose our family over her. I thought I was happy. My drinking now became the biggest problem. Along with discovering I was bisexual and dealing with all of those confusing feelings and pain. I started to cut myself. I was hurting and damn angry and alcohol made things easier. We still drank together alot and did cocaine. But it was ME who had the problem according to him. One night I got cozy with a girl friend and made her boyfriend very angry. I became physically uncontrollable and he actually called my parents to come deal with me. About 3 weeks after that episode I ended up in Rehab for 21 days. I gave up drinking for 40 very long days. I went to AA a few times. Then when we were out to lunch he suggested that I could have one beer and I thought about it and boom. Back to drinking and everything was back to where it was before. I started to hate him. I hated him because I knew he wasn't supporting me in my desire to change. I knew that from that moment I didn't love him anymore. I withdrew from our relationship gradually over the next couple of years. I started seeing a therapist. I wanted to divorce but he wanted to stay married. Finally, he had enough and agreed to divorce, telling me that he didn't want to jump into another relationship and hoped that I would do the same (which is funny cause he already had a girlfriend by the time he moved out two weeks later). So now, the divorce is final. He lives with his girlfriend and we share custody of our boys age 10 and 13. I am alone alot when the boys aren't here. I am glad to be free of him, I thought my problems with alcohol would leave when he left. But alcohol stayed and dug in hard. I did a special diet for 6 weeks and lost 32 lbs and only drank once in the 6 weeks, then was so hungover I faked a migraine to get out of my sons basketball game. I am ashamed that my boys see me drunk. I try to hide it but they know. I feel so lonely and used up and unwanted. I want to get control of my life.
I read somewhere on the board...I will not drink alcohol today, I will worry about tomorrow when it comes. This is my plan for today. Thanks for listening.
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