I?m going to try and be as brief and to the point as I can be in telling my story. It isn?t easy. There are a lot of different, interconnected elements at play in my life and it?s very tempting to wax epic on how and why I?m such a mess. However I?ll try to contain myself and convey things as straightforwardly as possible.
Starting at the beginning-- I come from a controlling, loving, creative family with high standards and expectations. My parents are very religious and considered drinking (along with a whole lot of other things) immoral. There was never any alcohol around when I was growing up. None. Ever. Not on holidays, not on special occasions, just none.
When I started school at 5 it was the 1st time I was really exposed to anyone outside my immediate family. Large for my age, shy and socially inept, I was immediately singled out by my peers and a cycle of bullying or abuse (physical, verbal and sometimes sexual) or whatever you want to call it began. It persisted from kindergarten most of the way through high school. Needless to say my self-esteem was completely shot. From about the age of 6 I thought of myself as completely worthless. I started binge eating as a coping mechanism and by the age of 12 I was well over 200 pounds. At 14 I became bulimic though I didn?t loss any weight.
I continued to be obese through high school and college. Then when I was 22, faced with fears about making it out in the real world as a fat person I started dieting obsessively. In a year?s time I went from obese (240 lbs) to anorexic (115 lbs at 5?8). I should have gone into the hospital but I was determined to finish my Master?s course in Library Science.
I did manage to get my coveted Master?s Degree, but I spent the better part of the next 10 years living with my parents in rural Upstate NY, struggling with anorexia.
Finally, when I was in my early 30?s, I got over the worst of the anorexia. I was still very restrictive about what I ate but I was maintaining a low normal weight. I felt like I wanted to challenge myself and see what life was like outside my small town so I moved to Chicago, where my sister (who I was very close with) lived with her husband and two small children.
I enjoyed many things about living in Chicago, unfortunately I ran into some very hard times. I became severely depressed and started suffering from episodes of low blood sugar, probably because I wasn?t eating enough. I was missing work and didn?t know if I?d be able to keep my job. Also my sister more or less abandoned me because frankly I?m a drag when I?m stressed and depressed.
Feeling alone and desperate, I decided to move back home to Upstate NY. My 90 year old grandmother was in declining health and needed someone to take care of her. It was a good thing to do, but I still felt like a failure for not being able to make it in Chicago on my own.
Notice I haven?t mentioned drinking yet. Don?t worry, it?s coming.
As I prepared to more back to NY in the spring and summer of 1999, I discovered a sure-fire way to ease all these feelings of anger and hurt towards my sister, stress, depression, and failure that I was dealing with. I started drinking. At first I did it once in a while socially, inevitably overdoing it. Then I discovered that I didn?t need a party or a night at the bar. I could polish off a bottle of wine in the comfort of my own apartment.
I started doing this every day. I was a little worried but mainly I was having a great time, worry free about my upcoming move, and I figured I?d stop once I got back to NY.
I did stop. For the 1st two months I was back home I didn?t drink anything. Then Thanksgiving came. We had dinner with a family friend. I drank four glasses of wine and wondered why I?d ever stopped.
I started drinking again in secret, about a bottle of wine a day, often starting as early as 9 or 10 in the morning.
My secret didn?t stay secret very long. In February my mother confronted me about ?smelling like wine all the time?. Denied it of course and I decided I?d better stop post-haste. To my horror I discovered I couldn?t. Without that bottle of wine to get me through the day I had nothing. In a panic I admitted my problem to my family.
I started going to AA several times a week. I couldn?t connect. No one seemed to speak honestly, from the heart. It was all pat slogans, few of which seemed to have anything to do with me. I endured it, hoping for results but I still couldn?t stop drinking.
After about two months of this, something happened. I?d applied for a part-time library clerk job in a nearby town. I?d been unemployed since I moved to Chicago and desperately wanted this position. Two days after my interview I got a call from the Library Director. I was over-qualified, what with my Master?s Degree and all. I wouldn?t be happy in the job.
I was completely crushed. I?d already had my daily bottle of wine so I went out in my car for another, tears running down my face.
When I sobered up the next day, the fact that I had driven while drunk really freaked me out. After many months, it really brought me to my senses. I stopped drinking that day and stayed stopped for 4 months. I lost all the weight I?d put on drinking, I got a job, I started a relationship. Unfortunately I also got sucked into a vicious cycle of bulimia. Drinking again seemed like a way out but it was only a deeper, more vicious cycle.
3 months later, at the end of November I stopped again. It?s been over a month.
I want this time to be different than the 2 months I was sober after moving from Chicago, or the 4 months I didn?t drink earlier this year.
Will this time be different? Because I know now I can?t drink at all, that for me now drinking is the worst problem, even worse than my eating disorder or depression. I also I think this forum is going to help me a lot. I found the MWO community a few days ago and it really seems like I can connect here and get the support I need.
Starting at the beginning-- I come from a controlling, loving, creative family with high standards and expectations. My parents are very religious and considered drinking (along with a whole lot of other things) immoral. There was never any alcohol around when I was growing up. None. Ever. Not on holidays, not on special occasions, just none.
When I started school at 5 it was the 1st time I was really exposed to anyone outside my immediate family. Large for my age, shy and socially inept, I was immediately singled out by my peers and a cycle of bullying or abuse (physical, verbal and sometimes sexual) or whatever you want to call it began. It persisted from kindergarten most of the way through high school. Needless to say my self-esteem was completely shot. From about the age of 6 I thought of myself as completely worthless. I started binge eating as a coping mechanism and by the age of 12 I was well over 200 pounds. At 14 I became bulimic though I didn?t loss any weight.
I continued to be obese through high school and college. Then when I was 22, faced with fears about making it out in the real world as a fat person I started dieting obsessively. In a year?s time I went from obese (240 lbs) to anorexic (115 lbs at 5?8). I should have gone into the hospital but I was determined to finish my Master?s course in Library Science.
I did manage to get my coveted Master?s Degree, but I spent the better part of the next 10 years living with my parents in rural Upstate NY, struggling with anorexia.
Finally, when I was in my early 30?s, I got over the worst of the anorexia. I was still very restrictive about what I ate but I was maintaining a low normal weight. I felt like I wanted to challenge myself and see what life was like outside my small town so I moved to Chicago, where my sister (who I was very close with) lived with her husband and two small children.
I enjoyed many things about living in Chicago, unfortunately I ran into some very hard times. I became severely depressed and started suffering from episodes of low blood sugar, probably because I wasn?t eating enough. I was missing work and didn?t know if I?d be able to keep my job. Also my sister more or less abandoned me because frankly I?m a drag when I?m stressed and depressed.
Feeling alone and desperate, I decided to move back home to Upstate NY. My 90 year old grandmother was in declining health and needed someone to take care of her. It was a good thing to do, but I still felt like a failure for not being able to make it in Chicago on my own.
Notice I haven?t mentioned drinking yet. Don?t worry, it?s coming.
As I prepared to more back to NY in the spring and summer of 1999, I discovered a sure-fire way to ease all these feelings of anger and hurt towards my sister, stress, depression, and failure that I was dealing with. I started drinking. At first I did it once in a while socially, inevitably overdoing it. Then I discovered that I didn?t need a party or a night at the bar. I could polish off a bottle of wine in the comfort of my own apartment.
I started doing this every day. I was a little worried but mainly I was having a great time, worry free about my upcoming move, and I figured I?d stop once I got back to NY.
I did stop. For the 1st two months I was back home I didn?t drink anything. Then Thanksgiving came. We had dinner with a family friend. I drank four glasses of wine and wondered why I?d ever stopped.
I started drinking again in secret, about a bottle of wine a day, often starting as early as 9 or 10 in the morning.
My secret didn?t stay secret very long. In February my mother confronted me about ?smelling like wine all the time?. Denied it of course and I decided I?d better stop post-haste. To my horror I discovered I couldn?t. Without that bottle of wine to get me through the day I had nothing. In a panic I admitted my problem to my family.
I started going to AA several times a week. I couldn?t connect. No one seemed to speak honestly, from the heart. It was all pat slogans, few of which seemed to have anything to do with me. I endured it, hoping for results but I still couldn?t stop drinking.
After about two months of this, something happened. I?d applied for a part-time library clerk job in a nearby town. I?d been unemployed since I moved to Chicago and desperately wanted this position. Two days after my interview I got a call from the Library Director. I was over-qualified, what with my Master?s Degree and all. I wouldn?t be happy in the job.
I was completely crushed. I?d already had my daily bottle of wine so I went out in my car for another, tears running down my face.
When I sobered up the next day, the fact that I had driven while drunk really freaked me out. After many months, it really brought me to my senses. I stopped drinking that day and stayed stopped for 4 months. I lost all the weight I?d put on drinking, I got a job, I started a relationship. Unfortunately I also got sucked into a vicious cycle of bulimia. Drinking again seemed like a way out but it was only a deeper, more vicious cycle.
3 months later, at the end of November I stopped again. It?s been over a month.
I want this time to be different than the 2 months I was sober after moving from Chicago, or the 4 months I didn?t drink earlier this year.
Will this time be different? Because I know now I can?t drink at all, that for me now drinking is the worst problem, even worse than my eating disorder or depression. I also I think this forum is going to help me a lot. I found the MWO community a few days ago and it really seems like I can connect here and get the support I need.
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