Inspired by a few stories I?ve read within this forum, I thought I?d start a bit of a day-by-day while I kick the drink. If this isn?t the appropriate place to do so I apologise, but something in here might eventually be of use to someone else, and if nothing else it?ll give me somewhere to record the process and my progress without making a tonne of separate threads.
I?m currently on day 5 and I feel OK. I?m optimistic, but not na?ve enough to believe that this is going to be an easy ride by any stretch. A lot of work needs to be done: supps like L-Glutamine and GABA need to be taken, emotions and mistakes from the past need to be worked through/forgiven and tears need to be shed, becoming a more balanced and present mother will be a top priority, adopting habits that replace my need to get high with something healthy and real will be interesting and challenging, saying goodbye to people from my past and moving forward with new people I?m yet to meet will be important once I?m feeling stronger.
I grew up with parents that didn?t spend a lot of time together. Neither of my parents drink, but both of my Grandfathers were huge drinkers, one of my Grandmothers , who was more my Mother at that time due to my parents travelling a lot, was a heavy drinker also. Nights staying up late with my Gramma (as I called her) spent watching Prisoner (Cell Block H) on the TV or listening to her record collection on the old stand alone HMV player while she scratched my back with her long nails, smoked her menthol ciggies and drank her wine and sherry are favourite times from my childhood. Special times that she and I shared as my Poppy sat out back in his shed getting blind to oldies on the radio.
I was 11 when over a matter of a year both of them passed away (a horrible time when my Father decided it was time to up and leave us for his mistress) I learned from him that my Poppy had been a terribly abusive drunk, my mother and grandmother having suffered much physical and mental abuse from him. My parents actually lived next door to one another growing up, so my Mum was always over Dad?s place crying and sheltering from the battle raging on next door. Learning this truly broke my heart. For some reason, possibly because of my Gramma?s protection, my Poppy never did lay a hand on me. I have held a lot of anger and resentment toward him for being such a despicable bastard, but now realise he was just an alcoholic like me, with a fucking bad temper and no possible way to control it that he could understand. Those proud Irish ? hard for them to admit when they need a hand.
I?m thankful that I didn?t end up an abusive alcoholic with my daughter.
Once Dad left it was just Mum and I and I went through a totally clingy period of not leaving my mother?s side, sleeping in with her at night and worrying like mad when I wasn?t with her. My Mum threw herself into work full-time and was pretty much unavailable. I got dumped on mates a lot to stay with them while she went away on business conferences. At 13 I took up with a varied crowd of misfits ? graffiti artists and pot smoking rock band types ? all into drink and drugs to varying degrees.
Music has always been a massive part of my life, from first memories of dancing with my Dad to The Rolling Stones and Queen, to Gramma?s old symphonies and Irish folk music. That?s why my username is a song title (most people that reply to me have been writing OceansiDe, the Z in my username is not a typo ? it?s the title of my fave Jane?s Addiction song ? check my sig if you?re curious to hear it) and most of my thread titles are song names or lyrics.
These new kids were into all sorts of sounds that I just soaked up and used to escape into. If only I?d just stuck to the music as a means of escape rather than the drugs and booze that inevitably seemed to go along with it.
>Long story short, I ended up in a juvenile detention centre at age 14 due to taking off from home and becoming a Ward of the State (when the state takes control of you because your damn parents can?t). In the court room hearing my Father turned up as my Mum was away and I tried to tear him to pieces as I was being led out of the room. Bad, fucked up times.
A succession of high schools to get expelled from followed until I found one that was full of long haired rock loving kids that smoked oodles of pot, took acid and shrooms regularly and drank more booze than water. I eventually walked out triumphantly smoking a cigarette the day I was expelled from this particular school and devoted each and every waking hour to getting as high as possible.
This went on for years, until I fell pregnant by sheer accident and miraculously had no trouble not drinking/drugging. Having someone else inside me that I was responsible for was the factor in my abstinence. I had some of the greatest times of my life while pregnant and after my daughter was born. Good, sober times full of joy and excitement about what life had in store. I want to find that feeling again.
Unfortunately I fell back into my old habits when my daughter was around a year old just hanging with old friends and being led by wicked ways (who am I fooling ? I had usually been the instigator and quickly fell into my old roll nicely).
I always cared for my daughter as best I could, she has grown into a fabulous teenager with an intelligence and insight well beyond her peers. She looks exactly like me at that age and hangs with a sweet bunch of girls and guys that do nothing worse than pierce their noses and dye their hair wild colors. For this I?m grateful, as I?ve always been brutally honest with her about my past and everything in it. I?m not naiive enough to think she won?t come home pissed or high one day, but she knows I?ll know and I think that is a huge deterrent. You can?t hide being high from someone who did it professionally for the majority of their living years can you?
We moved to a different place for me to get away from the drugs and alcohol when I was in my mid 20s. Loneliest years of my life and my drinking had never been so bad. I spent nearly 10 years there and it wrecked me emotionally: isolation, nothing but my career to occupy me (I?m in a creative field that allows me to outlet a lot of the frustration), stuck with a young kid that I worried continually about, boyfriends flitting in and out but none of them worth a dime. It was a hellish time.
We moved to a new city a couple of years ago as I landed a high paying job (for some reason my reputation is fantastic, regardless of the many, many days I?ve missed work or turned up hungover as shit) and here I be. I wanted it to be a turning point, but I kept up the drinking (not so much the drug taking as I had no friends to do that with but you can ALWAYS drink alone).
The past 6 months have been an exercise in escalation. Up to 4 bottles of wine on some occasions that for a small woman like myself should probably have killed me by now. About a month ago I was in the shower (I always turn to water when I get the ?fear?), full of regret and shame and tearing myself up over past issues and mistakes when I had a bit of an epiphany. The person who does those stupid, drunken things is not me. I don?t actually know who me as an adult is as I stopped growing at 13. I knew it was time to cut the shit, get serious and try and beat this thing.
So here I am on day 5 of this ride. It?s exciting and frightening and frustrating and emotional, but I?m sticking with it. I?ve put in for 30 days alcohol free and I?m gonna ride this bitch to the end. After those 30 days if I feel I can moderate I may give it a shot, but I think recent events have proven to me that I just don?t have the capacity to do so. Never say never, but I think last Tuesday night?s escapades were a fitting send off to a life of excess.
Waking up without a hangover is thrilling. I know that thrill will wear off soon, but I?m enjoying it now. I fell asleep last night to music, something I?ve done many times drunk, but this time it was different. Laying in the dark, headphones in and The Big Pink hammering into my head: it was ecstasy and it made me feel new again. Naturally high!
Woke up today and took my L-Glut and two large heavy coffees (who knew coffee tasted so damn good without a hangover?). Saw my daughter off as she is staying with a friend tonight. I then sat down to write this with the stereo blaring some cool tunes and I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY. I intend to write up how each day goes as it can?t all be smooth sailing (day 3 was bloody awful), so whether anyone reads or replies is not an issue. I just need to get stuff out and here is as good a place as any.
This forum has been a real eye opener and a much needed tool. Thanks to anyone who read this far and to all who have helped me out over the past 4 days. I appreciate it more than you know.
I?m currently on day 5 and I feel OK. I?m optimistic, but not na?ve enough to believe that this is going to be an easy ride by any stretch. A lot of work needs to be done: supps like L-Glutamine and GABA need to be taken, emotions and mistakes from the past need to be worked through/forgiven and tears need to be shed, becoming a more balanced and present mother will be a top priority, adopting habits that replace my need to get high with something healthy and real will be interesting and challenging, saying goodbye to people from my past and moving forward with new people I?m yet to meet will be important once I?m feeling stronger.
I grew up with parents that didn?t spend a lot of time together. Neither of my parents drink, but both of my Grandfathers were huge drinkers, one of my Grandmothers , who was more my Mother at that time due to my parents travelling a lot, was a heavy drinker also. Nights staying up late with my Gramma (as I called her) spent watching Prisoner (Cell Block H) on the TV or listening to her record collection on the old stand alone HMV player while she scratched my back with her long nails, smoked her menthol ciggies and drank her wine and sherry are favourite times from my childhood. Special times that she and I shared as my Poppy sat out back in his shed getting blind to oldies on the radio.
I was 11 when over a matter of a year both of them passed away (a horrible time when my Father decided it was time to up and leave us for his mistress) I learned from him that my Poppy had been a terribly abusive drunk, my mother and grandmother having suffered much physical and mental abuse from him. My parents actually lived next door to one another growing up, so my Mum was always over Dad?s place crying and sheltering from the battle raging on next door. Learning this truly broke my heart. For some reason, possibly because of my Gramma?s protection, my Poppy never did lay a hand on me. I have held a lot of anger and resentment toward him for being such a despicable bastard, but now realise he was just an alcoholic like me, with a fucking bad temper and no possible way to control it that he could understand. Those proud Irish ? hard for them to admit when they need a hand.
I?m thankful that I didn?t end up an abusive alcoholic with my daughter.
Once Dad left it was just Mum and I and I went through a totally clingy period of not leaving my mother?s side, sleeping in with her at night and worrying like mad when I wasn?t with her. My Mum threw herself into work full-time and was pretty much unavailable. I got dumped on mates a lot to stay with them while she went away on business conferences. At 13 I took up with a varied crowd of misfits ? graffiti artists and pot smoking rock band types ? all into drink and drugs to varying degrees.
Music has always been a massive part of my life, from first memories of dancing with my Dad to The Rolling Stones and Queen, to Gramma?s old symphonies and Irish folk music. That?s why my username is a song title (most people that reply to me have been writing OceansiDe, the Z in my username is not a typo ? it?s the title of my fave Jane?s Addiction song ? check my sig if you?re curious to hear it) and most of my thread titles are song names or lyrics.
These new kids were into all sorts of sounds that I just soaked up and used to escape into. If only I?d just stuck to the music as a means of escape rather than the drugs and booze that inevitably seemed to go along with it.
>Long story short, I ended up in a juvenile detention centre at age 14 due to taking off from home and becoming a Ward of the State (when the state takes control of you because your damn parents can?t). In the court room hearing my Father turned up as my Mum was away and I tried to tear him to pieces as I was being led out of the room. Bad, fucked up times.
A succession of high schools to get expelled from followed until I found one that was full of long haired rock loving kids that smoked oodles of pot, took acid and shrooms regularly and drank more booze than water. I eventually walked out triumphantly smoking a cigarette the day I was expelled from this particular school and devoted each and every waking hour to getting as high as possible.
This went on for years, until I fell pregnant by sheer accident and miraculously had no trouble not drinking/drugging. Having someone else inside me that I was responsible for was the factor in my abstinence. I had some of the greatest times of my life while pregnant and after my daughter was born. Good, sober times full of joy and excitement about what life had in store. I want to find that feeling again.
Unfortunately I fell back into my old habits when my daughter was around a year old just hanging with old friends and being led by wicked ways (who am I fooling ? I had usually been the instigator and quickly fell into my old roll nicely).
I always cared for my daughter as best I could, she has grown into a fabulous teenager with an intelligence and insight well beyond her peers. She looks exactly like me at that age and hangs with a sweet bunch of girls and guys that do nothing worse than pierce their noses and dye their hair wild colors. For this I?m grateful, as I?ve always been brutally honest with her about my past and everything in it. I?m not naiive enough to think she won?t come home pissed or high one day, but she knows I?ll know and I think that is a huge deterrent. You can?t hide being high from someone who did it professionally for the majority of their living years can you?
We moved to a different place for me to get away from the drugs and alcohol when I was in my mid 20s. Loneliest years of my life and my drinking had never been so bad. I spent nearly 10 years there and it wrecked me emotionally: isolation, nothing but my career to occupy me (I?m in a creative field that allows me to outlet a lot of the frustration), stuck with a young kid that I worried continually about, boyfriends flitting in and out but none of them worth a dime. It was a hellish time.
We moved to a new city a couple of years ago as I landed a high paying job (for some reason my reputation is fantastic, regardless of the many, many days I?ve missed work or turned up hungover as shit) and here I be. I wanted it to be a turning point, but I kept up the drinking (not so much the drug taking as I had no friends to do that with but you can ALWAYS drink alone).
The past 6 months have been an exercise in escalation. Up to 4 bottles of wine on some occasions that for a small woman like myself should probably have killed me by now. About a month ago I was in the shower (I always turn to water when I get the ?fear?), full of regret and shame and tearing myself up over past issues and mistakes when I had a bit of an epiphany. The person who does those stupid, drunken things is not me. I don?t actually know who me as an adult is as I stopped growing at 13. I knew it was time to cut the shit, get serious and try and beat this thing.
So here I am on day 5 of this ride. It?s exciting and frightening and frustrating and emotional, but I?m sticking with it. I?ve put in for 30 days alcohol free and I?m gonna ride this bitch to the end. After those 30 days if I feel I can moderate I may give it a shot, but I think recent events have proven to me that I just don?t have the capacity to do so. Never say never, but I think last Tuesday night?s escapades were a fitting send off to a life of excess.
Waking up without a hangover is thrilling. I know that thrill will wear off soon, but I?m enjoying it now. I fell asleep last night to music, something I?ve done many times drunk, but this time it was different. Laying in the dark, headphones in and The Big Pink hammering into my head: it was ecstasy and it made me feel new again. Naturally high!
Woke up today and took my L-Glut and two large heavy coffees (who knew coffee tasted so damn good without a hangover?). Saw my daughter off as she is staying with a friend tonight. I then sat down to write this with the stereo blaring some cool tunes and I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY. I intend to write up how each day goes as it can?t all be smooth sailing (day 3 was bloody awful), so whether anyone reads or replies is not an issue. I just need to get stuff out and here is as good a place as any.
This forum has been a real eye opener and a much needed tool. Thanks to anyone who read this far and to all who have helped me out over the past 4 days. I appreciate it more than you know.
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