Over the past year my sister has been living with a young man she met in rehab. They were kicked out for fraternizing in the facility. She left our home state for a while to be with him but they eventually returned and moved in together. The past year or so hasn't exactly been peaches and cream, but they were functioning and not relying on my folks for support. I'm sure everyone here can appreciate how huge just functioning on your own can be when you are struggling with addiction.
Anyway, things were going well but then in September my sister's was laid off from work they could no longer afford to pay rent. My parents drew a line in the sand about two years ago that she could not live with them anymore.
Right before the Christmas holiday, her boyfriend was arrested. She confessed that he had started using again several months ago (around the time she was laid off). They had tried to use what little money was coming in from unemployment to get him help but it was too expensive. After he was arrested the police came to the apartment and tore it up. She ended up getting arrested when the police found a needle in the apartment.
When my other sister and I arrived in town for Christmas, we contacted her so that we could get together for lunch. She was a bit shaky, she said because she was detoxing (hadn't drank in a week she said). The lunch went so well. So well that my other sister was actually considering asking her to come out to Cali to stay with her for awhile until she could get back on her feet. We drove her around town so she could meet with her public defender, get some bus tokens, took her grocery shopping, etc.
Two days later my Dad was balancing the checkbook and discovered money missing. Turns out after her boyfriend was arrested, my sister got a ride in the middle of the night to my parents house and using the spare key (which they foolishly had left in the same hiding place as always) forged a check for $2000. She said she was going to use it to bond her boyfriend from jail. She said when she realized it wasn't going to be enough, she mailed the money back to my parents...that was weeks ago and, of course, no money was sent back.
I travelled back to my home and was feeling pretty sad about the whole ordeal. She'd snowed us again. We really thought that her boyfriend's arrest and the legal problems she'd gotten tangled up in were a wake up call. I'd used my Christmas gift from my boss (a $100 gift card) to buy her groceries. I felt like a fool.
It took me several days before I felt I could contact her. I texted to tell her I was still in shock over all that had been revealed to me during my trip home (she also told me her boyfriend abused her while they were together, breaking her nose and hand), but that I love her and I hope she uses this opportunity (him being in jail) to redefine herself. She fired back with a succession of emails telling me that she thinks we (the family) are the reason behind her problems. That her boyfriend is the only one that cares about her. That we have all turned our backs on her. That if she ever kicks this addiction on her own, she doesn't want anything to do with us again. Then she told me she would be in jail by the next day.
Now, part of me knows she's desperate, lonely, addicted and is just lashing out because she doesn't know what else to do and she needs someone to blame for her problems. The other part of me is so hurt. While my parents have cut off communication (although they still bought her Christmas gifts and suggested they could start meeting her again, just not at the house - this was before finding out about the check) and while our other sister has gone long periods of time without talking to her...I have always been there.
I told her that even if we are the source of all her troubles, it's time to rise above it. I told her that I love her, I will never give up on her and she has my address and phone number if she changes her mind.
That was a week ago. According to the county sheriff's website, she's not in jail yet. But she probably has been evicted...unless $2000 was enough to get her out of it.
My deliema now is what to do if she does reach out to me again. Some well meaning people have told me I need to cut off communication not just for her benefit (they think it will help her 'hit rock bottom' - I don't even know what that is supposed to mean anymre) but for myself as well.
While I do get sad from time to time, I really feel I've done a good job of not letting her problems cause problems for me. So what I want to do what is best for her. Is it best to completely break away from your family for awhile? Or is it best to keep being that one person who will always answer her phone calls? I thought you all would have a good perspective on this. I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.
Thank you,
thirdsister
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