Feeling so, so sad

[thirdsister]

My sister is an alcoholic. She introduced me to this site a few years ago. To my best knowledge, she is no longer using this site as a source of support. I have not logged on in over a year. But today I am feeling so...vacant, sad...that I felt drawn back to this place.

Over the past year my sister has been living with a young man she met in rehab. They were kicked out for fraternizing in the facility. She left our home state for a while to be with him but they eventually returned and moved in together. The past year or so hasn't exactly been peaches and cream, but they were functioning and not relying on my folks for support. I'm sure everyone here can appreciate how huge just functioning on your own can be when you are struggling with addiction.

Anyway, things were going well but then in September my sister's was laid off from work they could no longer afford to pay rent. My parents drew a line in the sand about two years ago that she could not live with them anymore.

Right before the Christmas holiday, her boyfriend was arrested. She confessed that he had started using again several months ago (around the time she was laid off). They had tried to use what little money was coming in from unemployment to get him help but it was too expensive. After he was arrested the police came to the apartment and tore it up. She ended up getting arrested when the police found a needle in the apartment.

When my other sister and I arrived in town for Christmas, we contacted her so that we could get together for lunch. She was a bit shaky, she said because she was detoxing (hadn't drank in a week she said). The lunch went so well. So well that my other sister was actually considering asking her to come out to Cali to stay with her for awhile until she could get back on her feet. We drove her around town so she could meet with her public defender, get some bus tokens, took her grocery shopping, etc.

Two days later my Dad was balancing the checkbook and discovered money missing. Turns out after her boyfriend was arrested, my sister got a ride in the middle of the night to my parents house and using the spare key (which they foolishly had left in the same hiding place as always) forged a check for $2000. She said she was going to use it to bond her boyfriend from jail. She said when she realized it wasn't going to be enough, she mailed the money back to my parents...that was weeks ago and, of course, no money was sent back.

I travelled back to my home and was feeling pretty sad about the whole ordeal. She'd snowed us again. We really thought that her boyfriend's arrest and the legal problems she'd gotten tangled up in were a wake up call. I'd used my Christmas gift from my boss (a $100 gift card) to buy her groceries. I felt like a fool.

It took me several days before I felt I could contact her. I texted to tell her I was still in shock over all that had been revealed to me during my trip home (she also told me her boyfriend abused her while they were together, breaking her nose and hand), but that I love her and I hope she uses this opportunity (him being in jail) to redefine herself. She fired back with a succession of emails telling me that she thinks we (the family) are the reason behind her problems. That her boyfriend is the only one that cares about her. That we have all turned our backs on her. That if she ever kicks this addiction on her own, she doesn't want anything to do with us again. Then she told me she would be in jail by the next day.

Now, part of me knows she's desperate, lonely, addicted and is just lashing out because she doesn't know what else to do and she needs someone to blame for her problems. The other part of me is so hurt. While my parents have cut off communication (although they still bought her Christmas gifts and suggested they could start meeting her again, just not at the house - this was before finding out about the check) and while our other sister has gone long periods of time without talking to her...I have always been there.

I told her that even if we are the source of all her troubles, it's time to rise above it. I told her that I love her, I will never give up on her and she has my address and phone number if she changes her mind.

That was a week ago. According to the county sheriff's website, she's not in jail yet. But she probably has been evicted...unless $2000 was enough to get her out of it.

My deliema now is what to do if she does reach out to me again. Some well meaning people have told me I need to cut off communication not just for her benefit (they think it will help her 'hit rock bottom' - I don't even know what that is supposed to mean anymre) but for myself as well.

While I do get sad from time to time, I really feel I've done a good job of not letting her problems cause problems for me. So what I want to do what is best for her. Is it best to completely break away from your family for awhile? Or is it best to keep being that one person who will always answer her phone calls? I thought you all would have a good perspective on this. I really appreciate your thoughts and advice.

Thank you,
thirdsister

[KundaliniGirl]

Feeling so, so sad

Thirdsister, I don't have any expert advice. The only thing I can tell you is what I have learned from watching Intervention. If you've never seen it, you should. It's an amazing show and really illucidates the realities of addiction.

The constant theme you see throughout all the programs is how the enablers fuel the addiction. Usually it's family members like you who mean well but by continuing to bail out the addict, keep him or her from getting well because they're not forced to.

I don't know if just answering a phone call is considered enabling, but I do think giving money and shelter to the person is. The addict has to be put in a situation where they're willing to go to rehab.

It doesn't sound like your sister will be able to do this on her own. She isn't even seeing the reality of the destructive relationship she has with the boyfriend, so she sounds like she's a long way from admitting she has a real problem.

Not sure if this helps..........Best of luck. I feel your pain -- my brother was a druggie who ruined my mother's life. She was the classic enabler.......

KG

[Kimberley]

Feeling so, so sad

I don't know what to say to you, Third. You clearly love your sister a great deal and want to help her. She will never get better unless she wants to help herself. When I was in the worst of my addiction I was horrible to my parents and my sister - never stealing or anything, but constantly telling them to eff off or letting them down.

Luckily, although my ma did kick me out of the house once, I still was able to call her at any time. I was depressed and suicidal and I did NEED to talk to her. I made a lot of my own money - in various horrible ways.

I would say it depends on her mental state whether you decide that picking up the phone is important. my ma didn't stop me drinking but she sometimes saved me doing much worse stuff. That said, I wouldn't give her money or anything like that.

All I can do is a give you a big virtual :l - addiciton is a horrible illness for both the one suffereing it and sadly anyone who comes into contact with them, especially those who care.
I hope she gets help, but in the meantime, take care of you too,
K x

[madmans]

Feeling so, so sad

Hi third sis ,its up to her if she wants to stop or end up living on the street. Her choice. She can blame everyone she knows and will . She has your number let her know you are there for her if she wants to stay clean, if not you have to live your life you sis i living hers. KG is right about the enabling no more money or bail outs. I have a brother an alki ( just like me ) if he was on the street in the morning no help would he get unless he would agree to do a full detox , unlike me he can not see he has a problem

[rubywillow]

Feeling so, so sad

Sis, I've been in a place like yours, and I've put people in it. It's part of the heartbreak of addiction. All I can tell you is to give her only you unconditional love, not money to enable her lifestyle. As long as she is making the decisions, her mind is clouded by the substance she's using. Your feelings can't trump that. It's a horrible cycle. She can't think clearly, lashes out at those who do, and is desperate to continue her way of life. Sometimes, enforced rehab (prison) is the only answer, to give her clarity. You cannot love her enough, or give her enough, to change her right now. Only when SHE realizes, and wants to change and live, can she change. Rehab relationships are notoriously damaging, since they support each other's reason to abuse.
When she gets clean, she will need therapy to understand why she has behaved this way. I can only wish you the best, and pray that she will come to a point where she has to really look at herself. Continue to love her, and let her know that, but don't support the addiction.

[thirdsister]

Feeling so, so sad

Up until Christmas when I used my gift card to buy her groceries, I had not given her any money. Sounds like I gotta re-commit myself to no matter how bad it sounds or looks, to just be an ear and a shoulder.

I guess the frustrating part is that we (the family) have really done a good job the last year of not giving her money or paying her rent, etc. But when she appears to be on the right path, we want to be supportive to her recovery by helping out. I've always considered it a trust issue. You know, show her my good faith in her recovery by helping out a little bit with groceries.

But after reading what you all wrote, it sounds like even if she has truly stopped drinking, I could be sabbotaging her recovery by giving her anything besides my love.

Thank you so much! This morning I woke up feeling so drained. Today is one week since her torrent of text messages. Then I remembered about this place and I am so, so glad I remembered my username and password because this really is a great place. Thank you for being so supportive and honest.

[Doggygirl]

Feeling so, so sad

Hi Thirdsister. Not sure if you are still reading here - just saw your thread. My heart goes out to you. I am now learning how difficult it was for my own loved ones to witness my self destructive behavior and be powerless to help me.

I too blamed my drinking on everything and everyone around me. My loved ones were the closest targets for that. I think it's pretty common.

I participate in AA and through that, have gotten to know a number of people who participate in Alanon. I have come to respect the way Alanon helps family members deal with the addicts in the family. There is a wealth of experience in Alanon that might be helpful to you. Just a suggestion.

I hope your sister gets here wake up call before it's too late.

Strength and hope to you,

DG

[thirdsister]

Feeling so, so sad

Thank you Doggygirl ) I appreciate your suggestion. I've looked up Al-anon meetings in my area, just haven't gotten up the guts to go yet.

[LVT25]

Feeling so, so sad

Hi thirdsister,
I remember you and your sister from before. I'm so sorry you all are still going through this nightmare. It is a very difficult thing for everyone involved. Don't feel bad about helping your sister out by buying groceries, etc. It is a very hard thing to learn how to detach from the addiction and not the person.
I agree with DG, get yourself to an Al anon meeting and talk to some people there. If you felt better logging on here, you will feel a lot of weight lifted on your shoulders after talking to others in your situation. That is the best thing you can do for your sister, is to take care of yourself.
Best wishes.:l

[thirdsister]

Feeling so, so sad

We've heard from my sister. She tried to call my folks from jail but my Mom didn't answer. Then they got a letter from her. She said she'd been in jail for two days and sober for six. She expressed regret over all the decisions that have led her to jail and asked my parents to send her a copy of her letter so if she's ever feeling like drinking again she can read her letter from jail. She told my parents the name of the homeless shelter she'd stayed at after she was evicted so they could pick up her laptop and last unemployment check if they wanted to keep it as the start of repayment.

My Mom was able to find out that her next court date was Tuesday. My Dad still wants nothing to do with any of her shenanegans but to support my Mom, he drove her to the court house and stayed in the hallway while my Mom went in. Mom said my sister looked at her when she first was led into the courtroom but didn't look at her again the rest of the time...whatever that means...if anything.

The court has sent her to an inpatient facility for women for a two week evaluation. She goes back to court on February 8.

My Mom is going to continue going to the court dates and dropped off some clothes for her at the inpatient facility. Mom said when she got home my sister called to thank her for the clothes and to let her know what the visiting hours were. My Mom may go visit her tonight.

Mom is still going to Al-anon and I think it is really helping her. I think I'm going to go tomorrow during my lunch hour. There's a meeting on Thursdays and Fridays at noon just a few miles down the road from where I work. I found out too late to go today. Wish me courage and luck tomorrow )

[clthorson75]

Feeling so, so sad

I was in your sister's shoes

It's a terrible place to be in. You are doing the right thing. When I was arrested for my dui charge..thrown in jail and sat there for 30 days. It's a huge wake up call. But I was still not smart enough to get it. In November of last year, I think I finally got it. Waking up shaking...knowing it was either a slow death or a huge rebound in life. I took the tougher road. I wanted to become the person I want to be. For addicts and alcoholics that choice is the hardest one to make. You have to do what it takes to be there and not be there for her. I was enabled by family as she has been. When you are enabled you know you can get by with everything. When I said...NO MORE! AS I said no more from them...That is when i finally changed. I very much know this story..I was the one being enabled.

[mylife]

Feeling so, so sad

Good luck Thirdsister. I really feel for you, I have a bunch of sisters myself and I don't know what I'd do if any of them were in that situation. However, I also had a father who basically lost everything (this is years after my mom divorced him for AL) and ended up on the streets selling newspapers and was homeless for awhile. It was really hard for everyone, but he eventually checked himself into a rehab and then a halfway house and climbed out of the hole he'd dug for himself with his addiction.

I don't think he would have done it if people kept enabling and helping him. It was really only after he'd burned out his entire family, several wives, and all of us kids and had nowhere else to turn that he got sober. Before that he'd tell any string of lies in order to get people to lend him money or help him out.

I hope that helps you. Hang in there.

[thirdsister]

Feeling so, so sad

Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I was going to try and go to an Al-anon meeting today at lunch but with one person out of the office today that won't be happening. There's a beginners meeting on Sunday morning so I'm going to try and catch that one.

I actually got to talk to my sister last night. She called me from the drug/alcohol facility that she's at for the next couple of weeks. She seems pretty confident that she will be accepted into the program. It's a 90 day intensive program. If she finishes they might exponge the conviction from her record. After the 90 days though, she's on her own as far as housing goes. Hopefully they can at least give her some good resources for work and a half way house or something.

MyLife, what you said is so true. We all have to stop 'helping' and let her do this on her own. I was just telling my fiance last night, I hope that if she makes it through this program, that no one (friends/family) things it's ok to let her stay with them or give her money.

Anyway, she sounded ok. Says she's through all the withdrawal symptoms and is feeling better. She said my parents comes to visit (Dad too) and that went better than she was expecting.

All in all, at least I know she's safe and, for now, sober.

[universal]

Feeling so, so sad

Third sister - I am so proud of you for logging on here and telling us your story. I'm glad to hear your sister is doing what she needs to do and I do hope she sticks with it. There are a lot of sober living houses that she may be able to go to after she is finished her program. I'm glad you are not going to enable her but are going to be there for support. That's the best thing to do.

Good luck tomorrow at your al-anon meeting. I am also in AA and have heard the wonderful support that al-anon provides. Keep an open mind in your first meeting and I hope that things work out for you and your family.

Love and hugs,
Uni

[thirdsister]

Feeling so, so sad

I did go to the Al-anon meeting yesterday and it was ok. They had a speaker and it seemed that most people there knew her and got a lot out of her talk. However, I found the story difficult to follow. I'm looking forward to next week when a beginners program will start. I would really like to be able to hear more people share, instead of just one.

Uni, thanks for the support. When I originally posted this thread, I wasn't sure if I should. But I think I made the right decision. You all have helped me work through the raw emotions and guided me to Al-anon. Even though I didn't exactly feel the ground move at my first meeting, I know this is a journey and it will take time and patience.

I feel good, well, better anyway. And I want to say thank you to everyone here for helping me through this tough time and for keeping my sister in your thoughts.