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Out of Sheer Despair -- How I Got Here

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    Out of Sheer Despair -- How I Got Here

    Hello All,

    I am new here and very encouraged by everything I've read so far. I wanted to introduce myself and tell you why I'm here.

    I am a 41-year-old female with a 15-year history of problem drinking, which morphed into alcoholism and drug addiction about 5 years ago. I was always what they call a ?high-functioning alcoholic,? though, so that kept me in denial about the fact that I had a problem. I held down jobs, had committed relationships, earned two master?s degrees and a PhD, never got into legal trouble, etc. I was basically a weekend drinker. When a relationship of mine about 5 years ago was threatened by my drinking, I decided to try AA to see if that would help. I went faithfully to meetings several times a week, got a sponsor, worked the steps, saw a psychiatrist, etc. I have been in psychotherapy off and on for most of my adult life. Have been on a variety of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and have been diagnosed with various mental health problems, ranging from anxiety/depression to bipolar, schizoaffective disorder, Asperger?s, etc.

    I turned to drugs after being in AA for a while, because I thought as long as I wasn?t drinking, I could handle it, and I wanted to self-medicate the dysphoria I was constantly suffering from. I tried pot, opiates, benzodiazepines, psychedelics, and when I finally discovered amphetamines and cocaine, I found my ultimate drug of choice. In spite of attempts to stay clean and sober in ?the program,? I could never put together more than a few months of abstinence. This was frustrating beyond belief, as I have always had a great deal of self-discipline and will power.

    What was it that I wasn?t ?getting? about the program and the steps? Was I one of those ?constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves?? Did I have such severe ?character defects? that I could not recover? Was I one of those who is so ?spiritually bankrupt? that I was just doomed to an alcoholic, drug-addicted death? This is what I began to believe about myself, and it tore me apart.

    Cut to spring of last year -- I relapsed once again and went on a three-week cocaine, alcohol, and marijuana binge. My mother intervened and sent me to a treatment center at a facility that is world-renowned for its ability to help people with addictions (little did I know that their actual success rate is pathetically low ... of course, they don?t want you to know this). I was in rehab for a total of 7 months.

    I have been back home for about two months, working at my old job, going to meetings, seeing my psychiatrist, etc., and have already relapsed again. A physician prescribed me some Xanax for panic attacks I was having, and instead of taking it as directed, I downed the whole bottle one night. The shame has been crushing. I had been clean and sober for almost 9 months and I can?t even tell you how much money was spent on this treatment center. Seemingly all down the drain. I don?t dare tell my mother that I?ve relapsed. It was all I could do to tell my sponsor and a few close friends.

    Anyway, out of sheer frustration and despair, I began researching ways of recovering from addiction that are alternatives to the 12-step-approach, since that way doesn?t seem to work for me, no matter how hard I try. I found this site somehow.

    I recently finished reading Ameisen's book The End of My Addiction, which was a fantastic read, in addition to giving me a glimmer of hope, and I ordered some Baclofen online a couple of days ago and am feeling hopeful that this may actually help. I am scared of some of the side effects I?ve read about, but it?s certainly worth a try.

    Thanks for reading and for being here!
    "We are high priest Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom! Print that, people!" -- from the "Cats Quote Charlie Sheen" Wordpress Blog

    #2
    Out of Sheer Despair -- How I Got Here

    Hey booktree,

    I have struggled with my drinking for the last five years, I was also a weekend binger and a highly functioning abuser. My biggest problem is that once I started, I couldn't stop until I passed out. It was normally a fri or sat night. Finding this site has been an eye opener and kept me af. You will get all of the support you need here. Just be yourself and let us help u.

    I myself have not has issues with drugs but my sister has. She has been sober for five years now so if she can do it, you can do it. Just find your own way and ask for advice in what that might be.

    Looking forward to getting to know u.

    L x
    'Breakfast, every hour, it could save the world.' Tori Amos

    "Turn a stumbling block into a stepping stone."

    AF since 23rd December 2010 - progession is paramount! :truce:

    "don't be sad because it's over, smile because it happened!"

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      #3
      Out of Sheer Despair -- How I Got Here

      Hi, try not to despair, and keep telling yourself that you can do it. The determination and fortitude it must have taken to complete two masters and a Phd, well, that's more than just a remarkable achievement. Your brain--no matter how much you've rewired those synapses for drugs and alcohol--is capable of just about anything. That foundation isn't destroyed, just mixed up.
      From what I'm reading on the web, it sounds like poly-substance abuse is not uncommon, and though the challenge to find sobriety is maybe bigger (?), it can be done. Be kind to yourself if you slip a bit, then get back on the track you're wanting to be on. Don't give up. With all that knowledge you've gained about yourself and your field(s) of study, you must have an amazing amount to share with others.
      Jib
      Resisting all Magical Thinking...one day at a time

      Comment


        #4
        Out of Sheer Despair -- How I Got Here

        Hey Cassia and Jib,

        Thanks for the support!

        You know actually what was harder for me than the advanced degrees was completing 7 months of treatment -- that was grueling!! I thought it would never end. I guess I'm not as good at the emotional/psychological stuff -- I much prefer to have my head buried in a book or following the permutations of some abstruse scholarly idea. To me, that sounds like fun. But sitting in a group of people pouring their hearts out and being expected to do likewise...? No thanks.

        Actually, that is one of the main reasons I have never really taken to AA meetings. The interpersonal stuff completely baffles me and I feel I have no patience or time for it. Of course, this means I end up "isolated" and everyone tells me that's a big no-no in the rooms. But personally I enjoy solitude, and I really don't think that's the reason for my substance abuse.

        Anyway, I very much look forward to getting to you as well, and I will not give up this fight nor give in to despair.

        Best to you,
        Booktree
        "We are high priest Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom! Print that, people!" -- from the "Cats Quote Charlie Sheen" Wordpress Blog

        Comment


          #5
          Out of Sheer Despair -- How I Got Here

          Hi Booktree and :welcome:

          Thanks for sharing your story. It was a very interesting read and just goes to show that it really is about finding your own way out. Although it is horribly upsetting to relapse (I should know!) don't beat yourself up - you HAVE been trying things, but they just haven't been working.

          I have heard stories from people on here that finally found the solution in meds. For me, I tried almost everything, but I have recently found AA and I believe that this will finally be the thing that does sustain my sobriety. Hand-holding and physical support, not being alone and being honest are exactly what I need. So we're all different.

          I hope you do find yourway out and am looking forward to reading more from you,
          K x
          Recovery Coaching website

          "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." - Carl Bard wl:

          Recovery Videos

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            #6
            Out of Sheer Despair -- How I Got Here

            Hey Booktree, I am a pretty high functioning alcoholic too, although I haven't your esteemed academic background. I too have been diagnosed with a multitude of psychological disorders although I haven't been in therapy in a damn long time. I also talk the talk-I know all the right words, but the deeds, therein lies the crux.

            This is a great place, many very kind, supportive people. You might not be a people person, but there are those that will not bullshit you and coddle you. If you apply yourself and are open, you are obviously someone who can succeed at any endeavor you put ur mind to. Welcome!

            Comment


              #7
              Out of Sheer Despair -- How I Got Here

              :welcome: Booktree
              I just want to add my support and wish you well on your path to sobriety. There are zillions of fantastic sucess stories on here about the use of baclofen and a wealth of experience in finding the right balance for you.
              "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
              AF - JAN 1st 2010
              NF - May 1996

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